Arkham Manor #6

On the trail of Seth Squickem!

At the end of this story, is Batman going to have to pony up a few million dollars to rebuild Arkham Asylum so that he can get his house back? Currently over in Batman, Bruce and Julia and Alfred are working out of an apartment in downtown Gotham. But that might be an imaginary tale, so this story could end differently. If Batman doesn't get his house back, I at least want to see a panel where he's taking a break searching for psychopaths to take a nice relaxing dump in his own toilet.

This issue begins with Harvey Bullock wasting time pretending to help Eric Border hunt down the escaped psychopaths that Batman isn't hunting down. Well, Batman is looking for one of them and he is one of them. So the only one Harvey needs to worry about is Sybil Silverlock. But she'll be dealt with in Gotham Academy so Harvey can just go get a danish and relax. And even though he doesn't know that that's what he can do, that's probably what he's planning on doing anyway. Right after he phones STAR Labs to have them pick up Jokerface.

Here is a page of Alfred eating cookies because awesome eating awesome is awesome.

The above scanned image is also important because Alfred is working on getting Wayne Manor back! I wonder if Alfred can figure out a way to get Arkham rebuilt in Metropolis. Let Superman deal with the psychos for awhile. Although Superman will probably just throw them in the Phantom Zone and Arkham will stand empty in just a few months.

Is anybody else disturbed that Batman and Superman and Green Lantern have places where they can just stick people that they disagree with and nobody will ever hear from them again? Shit, even Wonder Woman has the Labyrinth of monsters where she can shove enemies. I think Aquaman just feeds them to sharks when nobody is looking.

Batman is too busy to talk about real estate with Alfred because he's about to get in a big fight with Seth Wickham. Wickham is just a normal guy with schizophrenia who has recently murdered his parents. He's mentally ill and dangerous which means, I think, it's okay for Batman to send him to the emergency room.

Well shit. Kudos to Gerry Duggan for writing a Batman who actually considers how much force is needed to stop a threat and who thinks about the consequences of his actions.

Seth Wickham is taken back to Arkham where they deny him drugs for his schizophrenia and just let him think that he's dead as Jeremiah Arkham tries other methods of curing him. Probably. I think the only drugs used at Arkham are tranquilizers.

Later, Bruce tells Alfred that he's not going to challenge the city's takeover of Wayne Manor. Until the city can pay for construction of a new asylum, Bruce would rather let Arkham have his house instead of paying for a new asylum out of his own pocket. Besides, Batman has easy access to the new asylum and he probably even thinks it's more secure. At least Batman has the place wired so he can keep his eyes and ears on everything that goes on.

Arkham Manor #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm dropping the ranking on this last issue because it just kind of petered out. Instead of ending with a great big twist or exciting revelation, it just kind of pulled a repeat and fade. You know how when a pop song doesn't know how to end so it just keeps repeating the same shit over and over while the volume steadily decreases until you don't realize the song ended so much as completely forget that a song had even been playing. Although here's an idea for this title! Now that everything is set up and Batman has a close eye on Arkham, this title can keep coming back with another new short story every one or two years. And just keep the numbering going! It's just that Issue #7 won't come out for another fifteen months and then it'll tell a story about The Scarecrow taking over the asylum and Batman having to pull the Jack Shaw identity out for another infiltration. It kind of feels like that's what they've set up here, doesn't it? I'm all for that.

Gotham Academy #6

How many Experience Points is Batman worth? I'd say he's about a 12 Hit Dice creature.

When's the last time anybody else has gone to a Fry's Electronics? When did soft soap, candy, and body pillows become "electronics"? That place is like walking into a flea market now. My favorite display is for the digital cameras. It's more empty spaces and security wires connected to nothing then it is cameras. Who would have guessed the cell phone market would kill the digital camera market?

Last issue ended with Maps and her friends hanging out with Killer Croc as he told them funny Batman stories. But then Batman dropped in because his Bat-Ears were burning and he was all, "Lies! Take it back! I never once said Jason Todd had it coming and I in no way financed that pub calling itself the Crow Bar!"

This is what happens when you talk about Batman behind his back.

While Maps heroically leads Pomeline and Colton to safety during the Batman/Killer Croc throwdown, Olive Silverlock stays behind to manifest some super powers. She ignites Colton's fireworks with the power of her mind. That might be conclusive proof that she is the one that burned down the North Hall last summer. Or it might just be proof that she time traveled.

With the North Hall burning around them (again!) and the ceiling about to cave in on top of Olive (again!), Killer Croc scoops Olive up and heads into the secret passage that Maps bravely retreated into to make sure it was clear. Batman remains behind in the fire because nothing can kill him. The kids get split up and Olive winds up alone with Croc. That's probably a good thing because now he can tell her secret stories about her mother.

Croc's cell was right across from Sybil's but none of his stories are, sadly, about her using the toilet in her cell. Instead he just mentions that she could be scary and when she was scary, she'd talk about how Gotham Academy and Arkham Asylum were connected by more than just tunnels. They're also connected to Wayne Manor too!

Croc leaves Olive at the edge of the swamp and disappears telling her she's always welcome to come visit him. Then she heads back to school to join up with this comic book's real main character, Maps.

I wonder when Maps's secret power will be revealed?

Later Batman appears to Olive so that he can lecture her. Why is Batman the favorite of so many people? He's a douchey killjoy buttpoo. And then after his lecture when Olive thinks she gets to ask him some questions, he does the fucking disappearing act. He's such a coward!

The next day, Pomeline and Olive (PomOlive?) give their Millie Jane Cobblepot report. It's all about how Millie Jane was made a captive of Arkham to ensure that she wouldn't expose the Cobblepot family secrets. She was kept in the building that's currently the girls' dorm. She later escaped using the secret tunnels but her freedom led to her death and the death of her father. In mysterious circumstances! Also she might not have died since she wasn't buried in the Cobblepot family tomb.

Then Colton arrives with a big clue to the mysterious symbol they've been seeing everywhere. The one with the "W" on top of the "M" denoting "Wayne Manor"? Well, Maps sees Colton's "A"s on his assignment and realizes the symbol could be an "A" with another "A" inverted on top of the first one. And that could stand for Arkham Asylum! Too bad they're wrong because the symbol was already shown at Wayne Manor when it was renovated to become Arkham Manor! But they're just junior detectives who have yet to begin the Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Course like I have. And anyway, Arkham Asylum, Wayne Manor, and Gotham Academy are all linked to some greater mystery anyway, so at least they're on the right track.

I hope they call their detective club "Maps'sses Dicks."

I think instead they're calling it Pizza Club which is stupid and dumb because it isn't what I suggested.

But wait! There's one of those "meanwhiles" I love to throw around my commentaries! This one involves Damian Wayne hunting down The Diary of Millie Jane Cobblepot and taking it back from Maps'sses Dicks. He does this because it was inscribed to Bruce from his mother Martha. Aww! And I thought Bruce was just being a pushy asshole when he tried to get the diary back from Olive! But the best part about the Meanwhile Epilogue is that Damian Wayne is being enrolled in Gotham Academy! Yay!

Stay away from Maps, you ten year old pervert!

Gotham Academy #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. What a twist! I never saw the Damian thing coming! Could this book get any better or any more like an episode of Degrassi Junior High? The good series with Caitlin and Joey and Snake and Wheels and The Zit Remedy. Although I'm not a hater about the new version with Drake and all the other people whose names I've forgotten (like the kid that gets shot in an alley and the kid that shoots Jimmy and the hot girl and the other hot girl and the hot boy and Liberty and the other hot boy) since I only watched it through the one time thanks to Netflix and its old fashioned method of sending disks through the mail. Degrassi the Next Generation is good stuff too but since I grew up alongside the first series, I have to love that one more. Gotham Academy really does need a theme song that I can play each month before I read it. DC Comics, get to work on that!

Secret Origins #11

John Constantine
The secret origin of John Constantine is that his father stuck his penis in John's mother's vagina and ejaculated at least one spermatozoa which managed to swim up John's mother's lady parts (like a uvula tube or something. It's all very complicated down there) and penetrate the cell wall of one of her eggs recently ejected from one of her ovaries. It's all very much like every single one of our origins. Except our parents weren't fucking in the middle of a pentagram with dead children stacked up all around them and old men and women in black robes chanting glowing words from sulfurous books bound in human skin. Okay, maybe not your parents. But I'm pretty sure mine did since I did go to Haman the Satanic Elementary School in Santa Clara, California.

To discover the actual secret origin of John Constantine, some more of those jerks in black robes have summoned a demon to tell them the tale. But Constantine doesn't want people knowing his origin so he put up a masking spell in case of a situation like this. That means the demon is going to tell hem three stories, only one of which is true.

Come on! Even The Phantom Stranger's origin wasn't this wishy washy! At least not for the reboot.

One of his origins has him burning toys out in the yard. My first year in college at Portland State University, I could easily have burned down the entire dormitory. I had some of that shitty Brute cologne that relatives that don't know you very well purchase when you begin to get to that age where they know you're starting to stink. The only thing it was ever good for was filling a peanut butter cap full of it, setting a Dungeons and Dragons miniature into the middle of the liquid, and setting the whole thing ablaze to watch the figure melt in horror. Other fun things I did in the dorm: stared down a muscular guy that was screaming at his girlfriend in the stairwell until he turned his wrath on me, wondered what that fucking smell in the hallway was (hashish, I later found out), watched a neighbor smoking pot throw up on himself as he told me about the cockroach corpses he'd found in his room, spent an awkward evening drinking wine with an older couple sharing the room next to me and possibly contemplating asking me to join them in a three way. There was probably also a lot of masturbating. I mean by other people! I told did it with a chick or something. Probably like eight of them!

I did more stuff too! But I don't have all day to type all the cool things I accomplished that first year of college! Sheesh!

All of his stories converge at the burning his family to death moment.

Later he may or may not have done some other magical things. Also he might have worn a tie or had orange hair or masturbated while resting his chin on the edge of a dirty toilet. None of that really mattered because, once again, his story converges on a moment in Newcastle when he lost the soul of a young girl to hell, damning himself and his mates to...well, to kind of feel bad about themselves or something. Unless he beat the demon and saved the girl. I think the one where he fails but goes crazy is his television secret origin. And the one where he defeats the beast is his New 52 secret origin. And the one where he has orange hair and the young girl's severed arm is some other origin. Maybe Preboot? I really should reread my old Constantine comics!

Oh? Then I guess I don't have to reread my old comics! Thanks, John!

John Constantine Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. It wasn't really much of a secret origin, was it? His family burned to death and he had a major battle for the life of an innocent in Newcastle. Already knew that stuff! The other things were all possibilities and what-nots! The story could have at least mentioned why he can't remain in London without slowly dying. That was a thing, right? But if John says it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter. But he could have mentioned that to DC Comics before they chose to feature him in a comic book called Secret Origins! Fucking rip-off is what this was!

Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was this angry guy that didn't have any fear and was given a ring by the Green Lantern Corps because the rings don't have a very good interview process. They just fly up to a person and say, "Mister Jones of Sector Whatever, you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And then whatever sociopath it chose gets to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe! And that's how Guy Gardner was given more power than he deserved to have!

Fucking hell. Then why did I buy this fucking comic booK?!

When Guy Gardner was a boy, nobody loved him. Boo fucking hoo. Wah wah wah! First his mother died. World's tiniest violin much? Then his brother would beat him up on a regular basis. Does baby need a nappy? And then Guy broke his brother's arm while defending his sister so brother couldn't beat him up anymore. That meant it was dad's turn to punch him! God, I'm running out of sarcastic ways to point out how much I don't care!

Well, that makes up for all that bullshit then! Thanks for the mediocre apology! Those beatings are totally forgotten now!

What I think the story is hinting at is that Guy Gardner had a tough childhood.

The whole family became cops and everything was good again! Not really because Guy's father was still a miserable, bitter asshole and Guy actually cared what his father thought for some reason. Look, some people just wind up having assholes for relatives. You don't have to make excuses for them over and over again just to have them in your life. I wish more people realized how easy it is to cut an asshole out of your life even if they're related to you. It's possible it's not as easy for other people because other people feel love and emotions and connections and shit like that.

Eventually Guy Gardner becomes a Green Lantern because the Green Lantern Corps has some kind of fetish for human beings. You assholes do know there are millions of other inhabited planets in Sector 2814, right? You don't have to choose them all from Earth!

Guy Gardner has so much anger inside that he eventually becomes a Red Lantern. I'm trying to find some compassion for him but I just love to point out how cliche his past was and don't have the willpower to stop myself. I fear I may have gone too far but I hope I didn't. Um, greed.

Guy Gardner Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a recounting of all the shit Guy's been through so far in The New 52. For somebody who has been reading all of the books with Guy in it, this holds no surprises. I think. Maybe the brother beating the shit out of him was new. Anyway, it might have been enlightening for readers that haven't cared about Guy at all since the Reboot. But then why would they care about this story too?

Black Canary
Black Canary's secret origin is that she gained the power to scream people's heads off while working for Team 8. Unless it was Team 7. Six maybe? I forget how she gained the power but at the beginning of the Team 7 comic book, she didn't have any powers. And by the end of it when Gamorra sunk beneath the ocean, she had the power to scream. I think it had something to do with the Majestic Project. Unless it was something else. I don't really remember. But who cares about any of that since Grifter is in this story!

From Grifter's perspective, this panel is full of his own Narration Boxes.

This story takes place immediately following the destruction of Gamorra. Black Canary has chosen to get the fuck out of New Atlantis with the skull of Pandora instead of searching for Kurt's body lost somewhere in the chaos below. As she swats a few of Grifter's Narration Boxes out of her way and settles down in the seat next to Stever Trevor, she decides to have a Secret Origin flashback! That's when she remembers how she developed her secret powers due to secret experiments she agreed to submit to while on Team 7.

And then she becomes the lead singer of the band Ashes On Sunday! I know I skipped some parts but I don't think they were very important. Although I think she got the name of her band at Kurt's funeral where somebody's ashes were buried and it was probably Sunday.

The government (or whoever was in charge of Team 7) decides they need to make Dinah disappear but she disappears herself first. And that's basically why she's been on the run since the Reboot started. Or something.

Black Canary Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't have anything more to add to the Black Canary stuff. Once again, it was mostly stuff told in other stories. I am glad that this is the final issue of Secret Origins though! The problem I've always had with DC's Secret Origin books is that the characters that I'm interested in, I already know everything they tell me (and they rarely try to tell the story in a new and interesting way). And the characters that I don't know anything about, I'm never interested in! Otherwise I'd already know their secret origins! DC's Who's Who was always a better way to approach the history of their characters. You get a lot more into one book and you can just summarize their stories and their powers without telling a story that's been told and rehashed dozens of times before. Good riddance, Secret Origins!

Batman and Robin #40

Please let something take over Aquaman's mind so that Damian can kick his ass!

Does everybody have their tear bibs on?! I feel an emotionally powerful father-son moment in the next twenty pages of comic book goodness! If I were a good writer, I would write about the time when I was thirteen years old and my father took me on a trip up to his sister's house up in the mountains outside of Truckee for a week. I'd talk about how he tried a number of times, out under the stars, to have a heart to heart talk with me about...well, who the fuck can remember? I just felt awkward and weird and didn't really have much to say. Years later, I look back on that trip and think that, quite possibly, he was trying to say goodbye to me. He had been an alcoholic for many years and his life was really falling apart. Either he felt he wasn't going to live much longer or, possibly, he had been contemplating suicide. Then again, having never asked him about the trip, it's possible he was just up there to score as much weed as possible from Cousin Bill (his nephew). At one point while at Bill's place, Cousin Troy (Bill's brother) stole one of Bill's Penthouse magazines while my dad and Bill were in a back room smoking pot. Before leaving Truckee, I stole the Penthouse from Troy and perused it for many years afterward. Porn was hard to come by back then and this was a major find! Although, come to find out later, it was child pornography. That was the Penthouse magazine that featured Traci Lords when she was sixteen. Luckily I was younger than she was so I don't think it was as illegal to own as all the other perverts who owned it! I threw it out (along with all of my other random porn magazines) when I went to college at seventeen. Because college! Who needs porn in college?! Only nerds and losers, that's who!

And, as it turns out, I did. Stupid college.

Um, anyway, the Justice League have found their way to Ghost Island which is under attack by one of the enemies of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Oh Superman! That only works for Billy!

While Robin battles the reject from an episode of Ultraman, he learns that he has heat vision like Superman! Well, not like Superman since Superman's heat vision comes from the solar energy stored in the vitreous humors in his eyeballs. Robin's heat vision must be the first inkling of an Omega Beam since his powers are from Apokolips. Robin slices off one of the monster's fists and then begins using the fist to punch the monster in the face because Damian is ten years old. There's nothing funnier to a ten year old than making somebody hit themselves with their own fist! Although the creature must regrow its hand or take it away from Damain and reattach it since a few panels later when it vomits pink puke on everyone, it's got both hands.

While the adults are gagging on monster vomit, Billy and Damian finish the monstrous robot off by shoving a radio tower through its head and calling down magic lightning to fry it.

Tomorrow's headlines: Captain Marvel: Childlike Man or Man to Keep Away From Your Child?

You know, I can still recall, clear as day in my mind's eye, some of the photos of Traci Lords from that Penthouse. Is that illegal?!

It turns out Batman set up this whole Monster Island fight to try to drain Robin of his powers. It was just a video game simulation with Cyborg controlling the robot. Is this the first time we really get to see Victor's love of video games? I guess Robin doesn't have super-hearing because he didn't hear Batman discuss the plan with the others while Robin waited in the back seat of the Batplane.

Back at Wayne Manor, Damian scarfs down a ton of food and passes out giving Alfred and Bruce some time alone to figure out what the fuck they are going to do with this kid.

I was just going to scan the bottom half of the page but then I wouldn't have a record of the finished family portrait which they all posed for so many issues ago.

The next morning, Damian wakes up and immediately gets a paper cut. Just like when Superman was human for the day! I guess paper cuts are shorthand for "this motherfucker ain't got no more motherfuckin' powers, bitches!" The second thing he does is fall out of the second story window trying to fly. Just like Superman 3000 from Justice League 3000! I guess falling out of a window because you thought you could fly is shorthand for "stupid dumb idiot moron!"

Bruce and Damian have one of those stupid father-son heart to heart talks that I've never experienced because I wasn't really paying attention when my father tried to have one with me that time I mentioned earlier. My dad was all, "Life...you know?" And then he lit a cigarette and I fidgeted uncomfortably while gazing at the stars through the tall trees. Then he was all, "Do you have any questions about it or anything?" And I kicked some pine cones and dry thistles and muttered, "No," while thinking, "I wonder what they're watching on television inside?" And then my dad probably asked me if I knew he loved me and I probably turned red and said, "Yeah." And then we sat in silence while he finished his cigarette before we headed back inside. Those heart to heart talks are stupid.

Bruce asks Damian if it's so bad that he's just Damian now and Damian says, "I guess not." Of course Damian guesses not! Damian already thinks Damian is the greatest super hero that ever lived, powers or no powers!

But then the Bat Signal interrupts and it's time for the Dynamic Duo to hit the streets yet again! Nobody hugs anybody but Batman does kind of freak Robin out by smiling like a lunatic while swinging around the city. And that's it!

Batman and Robin #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's interesting that this comic book ends right when the dynamic between this duo is finally at the most Batman and Robinesque of the entire series. This final page:

shows them finally comfortable and content with each other (and kind of Batman '66ish, no?). Batman is happy to have his son back with him, alive and normal. Damian is just as excited as he was on all of the early covers of this series where he's grinning ear to ear because he gets to go out and fight crime side by side with his dad. Throughout the beginning of the series, Batman was afraid he was going to lose Robin to Robin's al Ghul side. He was afraid to trust his son. Then he lost Damian when Damian proved himself to be as heroic as Batman had hoped he would be: learning that his son had the heart of a hero, learning that he could be allowed to trust his son, to have faith in his son's decisions, came at the expense of his son's life. Batman was nearly inconsolable having gained the son he knew Damian could be too late. And then once he brought Damian back to life, he had to contend with Damian's super powers. But they were actually a gift. They were a kind of litmus test to see if the lessons Damian learned while not having super powers stuck. And so Batman tested him on Ghost Island to find that his son could follow orders, and could maintain control of even Superman level powers, and could work well as a team with even somebody as annoying as Shazam (okay, that was a cheap shot. I would actually like to see a lot more of Billy and Damian hanging out together). And with Damian's powers now gone, Batman can finally feel happy and relaxed, having faith that his son will make him proud no matter what. In the end, Batman learned his son was actually a pretty good fucking kid. And, holy shit, that's kind of what my dad said to me that time in Truckee! That he was happy that I'd turned into a really neat and interesting person and that I was a pretty good kid.

Pshaw! As if he knew any better! I was about to steal Troy's Penthouse!

World's End #25

I guess poor Jay Gimmick lost the seat next to his mom on the escape ship. Enh, the gigantic moray eel probably deserved it more.

I just looked at the list of comics coming out tomorrow and all the weekly comic books still have an issue arriving. Hopefully it's the last issue for all of them! Makes sense, right? Fifty-two issues of Batman Eternal because that's the magic DC number. Twenty-six issues of World's End because that's one-half of DC's magic number. And forty-eight issues of Futures End because fuck you.

At least Futures End #47 has renewed my interest in the finale of World's End since Harvest Tim Drake changed time and saved...well, he saved something. I think maybe he only saved himself. He actually killed everybody in the world he came from because that world no longer exists. What a selfish asshole. But he did make it so that Brother Eye no longer exists. That's a good thing! And he forced all the Twofers to go find their own planet on Earth-14 or Earth-24 or Earth-25 or Earth-27 or Earth-28 or Earth-46 or Earth-49! I bet whatever Earth they land on, Child Services is going to immediately make a call to Dick Grayson.

This issue is called "Grounded" even though I thought it was going to be called "Hope." Am I remembering that wrong? Oh, I am! Last issue was called "Hope" and ended with "Next: Power!" But this issue isn't called "Power." But that makes sense because the issue previous to the issue called "Hope" said "Next: Light!" So what have we learned here? Fuck you!

Kalibak using semaphore to command the Protofuries.

Hawkcop remains outside the escape ships to guard their retreat. She's also managed to convince The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick to remain behind. Even Aquawoman and her monstrous moray eel (not a dick innuendo because that would make a penis sound more terrifying than it actually is. I think) refused to take a seat on one of the ships. Jonni Loves Chachi Thunder is also helping with the defense for reasons that probably would have taken too many pages to explain. Another thing that would have taken too long to explain?

How did Dick wind up in a fighter ship with Replacement Batman?

Once again, Dick Grayson ditches his kid so that he can go on thrilling adventures. I totally get it. Fucking kids ruin everything. This is my life and I only get so many years to live it! Why the fuck do I want to spend a good third or more of it concentrating on somebody else's life? Fuck that bullshit! If humans were reptiles, I would have had kids. Lay some eggs in a neighbor's yard and forget about them.

It's possible Notwing and Replacement Batman blow up on the next page. At least that would end the fucking plot where Dick keeps giving away his kid and then going out of his mind trying to find him again.

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Power Girl takes an Omega Beam straight to the face and remains extant. No wonder last issue ended with "Next: Power!" because that's powerful! She punches Darkseid's Omega Beams back at him and she and Darkseid tumble off of Apokolips and fall to Earth.

Oh stop it, Val-el. You broke that pledge yesterday and the day before and last week and this morning and a few minutes ago.

Now that Darkseid is on the surface of Earth, the rest of Earth-2's wonders come up to attack him. I guess the threat in Atom Shaven was taken care of? The only ship that mattered made it out although it nearly crashed back down on Earth. Val-el set it down gently with Huntress and Red Arrow inside of it with the Codex that will terraform whatever Earth the survivors wind up on into another version of Earth-2. But I guess the Codex isn't as important as kicking Darkseid's ass because Huntress and Soon-to-be-dead Arrow have left it behind to join in the battle against Darkseid. Also joining the battle? Replacement Batman! I guess his ship blew up in much the same way Cobra's ships used to blow up in the GI Joe cartoon.

Back in space nearby the Earth-Apokolips Amalgamation, Queen Lantern figures out the secret to saving everybody (thanks to Mister Terrific stealing Mister Miracle's feet disc technology which he'll probably illegally patent as his own as soon as they get to whatever Earth they manage to escape to).

The Multiverse awaits!

But first Alan Scott has to defeat Darkseid all by himself. He arrives on Earth to find Darkseid teabagging all of the other wonders whom he's just defeated. I was going to leave it at that but I can't not post a picture of Darkseid's teabag style, right?

Classic teabag. Note the bent legs as he drops his balls down on Val-el's face? And the enthusiastic taunting? Right before Alan Scott arrived, he probably called them all garbage.

The worst part about this final page is my new favorite character, Humongous Moray Eel, lying dead in the background. Hopefully she's just as unconscious as the rest of the wonders.

World's End #25 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a positive rating simply because of the announcement that next issue is the end! This issue, just like last issue, was much better in many ways. It benefits from having the plot concentrating on just getting to the end of the story. It's more cohesive and characters aren't just running about on tangential plots that you know are never going to resolve or matter. Although it also suffers because it's near the end and some short cuts needed to be made to get everybody on the same page. I'm going to buy myself a full sized cake topped with a whole pack of Oreos for next week and then eat the entire thing in celebration after reading next issue! I deserve it!

Batman Eternal #51

Has the Cluemaster been using his code at all during this series? You know the code! The one Dick mentions in the best September Futures End book, Futures End: Grayson #1?

If Batman is the World's Greatest Detective, how come he couldn't figure out Cluemaster was behind it all? I have my theories, being a Junior World's Greatest Detective thanks to my Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Study Course. My first theory is that Batman doesn't take Cluemaster seriously and so never considered him. My second theory is aliens. My third theory is that Project Cloverleaf is a real government project whose goal is to get homeless people and AM Radio Talk Show Enthusiasts to believe in chemtrails so that they stop paying any attention to anything else that's really happening. My fourth theory is that the person behind it all has yet to be revealed and Batman knows exactly who it is (hint: Earth-3 Superwoman's infant. Or Lincoln March. Or The Outsider. Or Red Skull. Or Owlman (non-Lincoln March version)) but he figured he needed to fall for Cluemaster's trap to lure the real bad guy out into the open. Batman is involved in one of those Harvest plans where he fails completely but it was all part of the plan to ultimately save the day!

Just suck his dick already.

Arthur Brown, you really are a small time criminal idiot. You're not supposed to want Batman's attention! He's not the father who abandoned you! You don't need his love to prove your worth! He's a guy trying to stop criminals from stealing shit and hurting people. You're a guy trying to steal shit and hurt people. You're supposed to avoid his notice, you fuckdummy! This is why I told you to suck his dick already. People think The Joker is in love with The Batman because everything he does has to involve The Batman. But do you think The Penguin wants Batman's balls in his mouth? Fuck no! He'd rather Batman left him alone completely! If your entire plan was to kill Batman so that he doesn't interfere with your crime sprees anymore then just fucking kill him already. But forcing him to acknowledge your existence? That's fucking pathetic. You're a joke, Cluedoucher.

Cluemaster unmasks Batman and is all, "Bruce Wayne! I knew I recognized those nipples and that curving, succulent bulge from somewhere. Now put your rich man dick in my mouth! Love me, Bruce Daddy! Love me!"

My dad left when I was two so I'm not sure if I'm portraying the love between a son and his father correctly. Do you suck dick immediately or is there a little ass play involved first?

Selina isn't really thinking about it. She has this weird idea that they can make more money by saving Gotham and keeping it safe then by pillaging it of anything valuable and razing it.

Back on the beacon, Cluemaster finally gets his chance to do one of those super villain monologues he's always been denied. He says so many words that he must be using the Codemaster Clue! Let's see..."Wtyk toouwdmtal wholuapnawt. Ironiiwtnooojbs Tbcbotc Imajomo." Hmm. Is that Tamil?

Cluemaster mentions how he once read this comic book called Knightfall and got the great idea to create lots of chaos so that he could pull some cool heists while Batman was involved with lots of other chaos. Then at the end of it all when Batman was too tired to defend himself, Cluemaster would break him! But his story goes on so long that...SURPRISE!...Batman escapes from the chains!

Cluemaster probably has such a huge boner right now. This is always what happens to the A-Listers! He's made the big time!

Bruce had better hope that the bat symbol carved on his chest doesn't scar or else he'll never be able to take his shirt off in front of another woman! Although there was that night where those small time crooks wounded by Batman went around branding everybody with Bat symbols, so he can always pretend he was one of the victims that night. Or he can just assume that the kind of women Bruce Wayne dates will simply think it's cute that he has a scarification bat symbol on his chest.

While Batman and Cluemaster battle, some mysterious figure arrives downstairs and gasses the other Secret Society of Super-Villain members. I bet it's Alfred Pennyworth! Or The Joker! Or somebody in-between those two extremes! I think I covered all the bases there, right?

Although the scene before this that I didn't mention had Harper fighting for the city while Spoiler was apparently ditching it. So it's probably Spoiler. Especially since the one Secret Society guy that I don't recognize recognizes her. And since Cluemaster knows Bruce's identity, he kind of has to die now, doesn't he? And it's kind of appropriate that Spoiler finally chooses what side she's on by killing her dad. Bruce will be totally conflicted about that!

Or, you know, it could be whoever this guy is!

Batman Eternal #51 Rating: No change. I hope the final issue ends with Earth-3 Superwoman's baby floating up behind Owlman (Lincoln March version) and slitting his throat just like Owlan did to Cluemaster in this issue! I suppose that only makes sense if Geoff Johns writes Batman Eternal #52. Since this is mainly a Scott Snyder jam, I think we've reached the top of his Batman villain pyramid. And since these guys are brothers, I hope next issue is just twenty pages of one long hug.

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*