Grayson #4

Uh oh! Somebody pissed off the Spider Women of Spider Island!

After last issue, Spyral probably held a meeting about Dick Grayson and his usefulness to the team. And even though he keeps not following orders and he was sort of responsible for Agent 8's death and he's probably fucking every woman in the organization, Mister Spyral Minos still wants him on the team. At the meeting, he probably had to say, "Just trust me!", about twenty times to his outraged lieutenants. I almost went with "sergeants" because lieutenants is so hard to spell but I got it right on the first try anyway! Not because I'm good at spelling (I'm not terrible!) but because I just got lucky on the first shot. I find, with spell-checker, I'm getting lazier and lazier about my spelling. I just take a few stabs at spelling a word and if I can't get it right, I left-click on it, choose the correct spelling, and move on without having learned a thing.

Back to Mister Spyral Minos, he probably wants Dick on the team for some long con against Bruce Wayne. They currently have him hunting down the body parts of some guy named Paragon, probably for dual reasons: to keep him busy, and to, well, you know, find the body parts of Paragon. While Dick is kept distracted with his spy job, Mister Spyral Minos is probably setting up some scheme to bring down the Batman once and for all. Or he's just grooming Dick so he can get a shot at that ass too.

I don't think the creative team eats a lot of lollipops because it isn't the sucking sound that annoys other people. It's the constant clicking of the lollipop against the teeth that drives them nuts. Although "suck, suck" is much funnier than "clickety clackety" and gets the message across better. Also every person reading is imagining a dick in Dick's mouth. By the way, I'm a sucker, not a hater. Um, of lollipops!

It's time for another mission! This time, Dick and Helena get to infiltrate Checkmate and steal a hard drive with information on Paragon! Which seems like a difficult mission to do since once somebody has a hard drive with important information on it, don't you think they'd copy that information to other drives and clouds and Hello Kitty USB data storage devices? You can't put the genie back in the bottle! Well, sometimes you can, if you're really smart and tricky. You just have to use the genie's arrogance against himself (or herself! Some genies can be female! I saw it on a television show. I think if you're a 'djinn', you're male; if you're a 'Jeannie', female).

We haven't seen a lot from Checkmate in The New 52, so this could be interesting. Or it could just be a lot of "Get them, Pawns!" and "Yes sir, Rook sir!" and "Who let Bishop in the children's ward?!"

Meanwhile at Saint Hadrian's finishing school, a lot of curious girls are coming into their sexuality and practicing kissing on each other and practicing fucking on thick candles. Um, I think. That's what goes on in finishing schools, right?

Holy crap! There's a b-b-b-b-b-boy in the building! Where'd Matron lock up those candles?!

Lucky Dick! Now he's got a band of horny young teenaged murderesses after him! I've never been so envious.

Dick probably won't think he's so lucky since he has a lot of secrets he's trying to keep from everybody at Spyral and Saint Hadrian's. These dripping young lasses might stumble upon one of his Bat Devices! And then where will he be? Oh! Probably having sex with an underage vixen that's blackmailing him into having sex with her or else she'll report him to Mister Minos! Gosh, what a horrible turn of events that would be!

Dick's sucker was actually a means to try to pick up some DNA samples from Mister Minos. I know a better way of sucking that would get a bigger sample! Um, anyway, the sucker was sent off to Batman for analysis and Bruce discovered that Mister Minos keeps a supply of tiny, hungry nanobots that eat all of his DNA so that he doesn't leave any forensic evidence anywhere. Gross. I bet Mister Minos just masturbates all over his office because he knows his little robots will clean it right up for him.

How cute. They're having a bit of a tiff.

This is an excellent example of how to do a comic book well when you hold back information from the reader. Too many comic books begin in the action on the first couple of pages and then flash back to tell the whole story from the beginning. Or they keep having characters learn things which move the plot forward but refuse to give the reader the same information to keep the mystery going. But this book is doing the Paragon thing right. Stormwatch killed some guy named Paragon (or just dismembered him (or, according to this line about the heart by Midnighter, blew him up in orbit)) and now Spyral and Midnighter are separately searching for his parts (as well as other organizations. Emphasis on "organ!"). The reader doesn't know the whole story because this comic doesn't rely on that story for forward momentum. Sure, it's what the plot is all about. But the comic is about Dick and Bruce and their infiltration of Spyral. The pacing on the revelation of the Paragon stuff has been nicely done. Especially this part where we finally get some Apollo action. It's all balanced nicely between the spy stuff and the Bruce stuff and the young girls lusting after Dick stuff.

Oh! They're college girls! Even better! I mean, obviously even better because of arbitrary laws about sexual activity and very specific ages!

Oh, don't get your thick cotton undies in a twist, ya damn Puritans! I'm not interested in the youngings! I'm forty-three and I can barely deal long term with anybody, male or female, born post Empire Strikes Back! Although Nick at Nite has given many young people the pop culture knowledge to interact with my exact level of immaturity. And now with easy access to all media ever, the lines between generations blur rapidly between any two people of any age who are simply curious to consume as much as they can. So while the Empire Strikes Back limit used to be a visceral thing (probably right up to about the turn of the century), now that we're all online, the different generations share many of the same experiences. Like ease of access to tons of pornography!

Pornography should be my generation's "At your age, we had to walk uphill in the snow to school."

Old Tess: "When I was your age, I had to find my pornography in the bushes down the side of a steep creek covered in poisonous snakes and spiders! And we didn't get to pick what kind of porn we masturbated to! Oh no! Beggars can't be heterosexuals! If it was gay male porn, you just squinted a bit and pretended that was a woman's hairy asshole. Oh! Speaking of hair! I don't even know the first time I saw actual female genitalia and not just bush! I once found a magazine called "Girls Who Eat Cum" which was just shot after shot of penises shooting their load onto women's faces. Not a tit or snatch in sight! Did that stop me? By golly, no! I treasured that porn like it was, well, like it was porn! Porn was gold in those days! Oncet, and yes I meant oncet, I found a black and white porn cartoon of Santa's elves fucking Missus Claus. That was all I had for weeks and it was enough! I hid it in the branches of a fucking tree at my elementary school! Okay, I guess it was enough because I wasn't actually masturbating yet. But I could get a boner! Good god could I get a boner! A boner like you never saw before! Young and eager and straining at the waist band of my underwear! Giddy with the possibilities of future sexual adventures! Sexual adventures like, well, I don't know! I guess my ding dong would rub up on the woman's nether hair or something?"

Uh oh! They're onto Dick! Good thing Helena has a crush on him! She'll never rat him out!

Mister Minos must be playing a game with Helena because if I had hired Batman's pool boy and then secret transmissions suddenly began leaving my facility, I'd immediately suspect Batman's pool boy! Everybody remains loyal to Batman! Even Jason Todd is loyal to Batman! Even though he never killed the Joker with a crowbar like he probably should have.

Trade four inexperienced girls for one tiger of a woman like Matron? Baws yes!

Bruce Wayne is a genius. By sending Dick Grayson to a spy school for girls, he'll never be caught! Because all the women just want to eat his tight ass! Spy schools expect a little subterfuge and sabotage now and then. So who cares if Dick Grayson is a spy as long as he's a spy willing to make mama happy.

Later, Dick gets reprimanded by Mister Minos for exposing himself to the young girls on campus.

Come and knock on our door! Take a step that is new! Where the faces are hers and spirals and unmemorable! Three's company too!

Helena reports back to Mister Minos about the unknown broadcasts on campus. She hands over some mini-cameras that one of the girls was using to spy on staff. That's the one that got all the nearly naked pictures of Dick Grayson! Lotti, the camera girl, receives extra credit for her imaginative extra-curricular activities. And all the young girls get paddled for breaking curfew. Why isn't that scene in this comic book? Doesn't DC want to sell lots and lots of comic books?! Doesn't DC like money?

The issue ends with Helena getting Dick Grayson to chase her across the rooftops. Helena has an elementary school crush on Dick Grayson! Except Helena will know what to do once he catches her.

Grayson #4 Rating: I'm not rating the issues this month. I'm just revamping the rankings. Across four issues, Grayson has been a surprisingly charming and fun book. Tim Seeley and Tom King understand the character. They seem to have a plan to fit Dick Grayson into a world that he, at the most fundamental levels of his character, doesn't fit into. Plus Midnighter has been a supporting character!

Swamp Thing #36

This doesn't look like horror at all! This? This is romance! Bleck!

Abigail hasn't been around for some time because she's not very interesting without her Uncle Anton touching her creepily. Also she's a lousy Avatar of the Rot. You're supposed to be Swamp Thing's antagonist, Abby! Antagonists don't hug! Unless it's a death hug! Swamp Thing does seem to be evaporating wherever he's touching her.

Last issue, A Calculus and their goons had marched into Swamp Thing's backyard and began destroying it. Swamp Thing was busy not destroying the Machine's Headquarters because he's never heard of a little thing called a preemptive strike! That's where you tell as many people as you can that a place that has resources you really want for yourself is the most evil place in the world and that they're going to destroy us all if we don't destroy them first. Then when everybody goes, "Let's see the evidence!", you shout, "No time! No time!" Then you attack the place (or person) as they go, "What the fuck?" Except they probably say "what the fuck" in a different language because it's wrong, for some reason, to attack places that speak the same language as you do.

Everything I've learned from pop culture leads me to believe the same thing: a war with machines is inevitable! The only way we can stop that from happening is if we create a zombie apocalypse first. Then the zombies can worry about fighting the machines when we're all dead.

Swamp Thing returns just in time from his arctic vacation to disassemble A Calculus and their hooligans. I guess Charles Soule can write a fight scene!

Alec realizes he finally has a good reason to call Abigail. He should probably call Buddy as well so it looks like he's keeping the visit with Abby professional. Then he can cough a few times and stare really hard at Buddy as he jerks his head toward the door until Buddy gets the hint and beats it.

If they can't touch, watching each other masturbate is a decent option.

While Alec and Abby create duplicates of themselves which they watch fuck until they burn, A Calculus, along with B Calculus and C Calculus, go about choosing a human avatar for the machines. If I were them, I'd pick Kevin Kho! He's already used to being part of a machine and he's completely human.

They consider Cyborg, Metallo, Cyborg Superman, The Metal Men, and Earl J. Dukeston. Better known as The Duke of Oil! Are you fucking kidding me? Way to pull that guy out of your ass, Charles Soule! Maybe Charles Soule loves the original Outsiders just like I do!

After vetoing all of the people I mentioned, the Calculi seem to be thinking about choosing Anton Arcane as the Avatar of Machines, simply for his experience. They haven't named him yet but they're considering a candidate with all the requisite skills of an Avatar. And Anton seems like the best prospect out there.

Oh! Even better! How could I forget you so quickly, my lovely Lady Weeds?!

Swamp Thing #36 Rating: Swamp Thing under Charles Soule has been one of my favorite books of The New 52. For now, this comic will remain high up in the ranks as I re-sort my rankings. What will it become when Soule leaves though? I hope whoever takes over after Soule turns it into a dark, disgusting, horror story full of unheimlich and uncanny valleys! Or something. I might not know what I'm talking about.

Detective Comics #36

Get it?! The story about a terminal disease takes place in an airport terminal!

Last issue, Batman, The World's Greatest Detective, had teamed up with Ed Boar, The World's Greatest Port Authority Layabout. Together, they will solve The Mystery of the Terminal Terminal! Mostly the mystery is solved because Magnus Magnuson appeared on television to tell the world that he was behind it all. Usually that's the detective's job at the end of the story! He calls everybody to the study and looks smug and paces about while saying things that make everybody nervous because he doesn't want to come right out and say who the culprit is because then nobody will have any reason to listen to him anymore. So he mentions lots of ambiguous clues first so that the wife gets nervous and then the cleaning lady gets nervous and then the chauffeur gets nervous and then the gardener gets really nervous but then the detective points at the ex-boyfriend and shouts, "You had every reason to do it!" And then the ex-boyfriend jumps up and says, "But I loved Bill more than life itself! I would never have killed him!" And after that drama plays out, the detective says, "I know! It was really the mother-in-law!" Then everybody gasps and a few people lean over to the person next to them and say, "I knew it all along." Then the mother-in-law tries to run but the detective grabs her and says, "But what you didn't know is that the mother-in-law is really Sirius B. Finch, the real estate mogul who is planning to build a nuclear power plant on this very spot!" And the detective pulls the rubber mask off of Sirius B. Finch and everybody gasps and applauds and yells, "Good show!" Then the father-in-law frowns and whispers, "But I've been sleeping with her for months!" And the detective says, "If only you had seen the clues the way I had seen the clues! And by clues I mean his penis! I figured it all out while using the urinal next to the mother-in-law at the wake!" And then the story ends.

But the Mystery of the Terminal Terminal is the mystery we are concentrating on today! Let us see how Batman finds the clues to solve the mystery! Yes, yes! Let us see!

That's a pretty big clue! Thanks, culprit, for helping Batman solve the mystery!

Since the whodunit is no longer a whodunit, I guess it's now a medical mystery! Doctor Batman has only eight hours to figure out what is killing everybody or the world will end! I bet it's Lupus!

While Batman tries to find the clues, the Narrator tries to get all philosophical by comparing air travel to life. The Narrator is quite accurate in describing air travel as a piece of time in our lives that nobody really acknowledges. It's just a chore to be dealt with so we can get from one destination to another. But that's where the Narrator's analogy breaks down because the narrator compares the travel destinations to birth and death. But who is ignoring life just to hurry along and rush headlong into death? Okay, okay. So we're all rushing headlong into death. But we're not actively seeking it out! At least most of us aren't. I think maybe Batman is! Maybe I should think about my life as air travel more often! Then maybe I'd read more books by Michael Crichton and John Grisham! I would think, "Boy, I can't wait for the next exciting moment in my life to happen! But until then, I will sit in a tiny space with minimal amounts of food and drink while trying to read my shitty thriller. I will also try to sit uncomfortably close to a stranger while I chew my ice and they go out of their minds listening to me chew my ice but never say anything so how was I ever supposed to know there are people out there that can't stand the sound of somebody chewing ice? Oh, fucking pardon me, Mr. Sensitive Ears!"

Maybe life and air travel are exactly the same thing! I think I'm all turned around on the analogy! Life is just air travel with more elbow and leg room.

Batman needs help! He's the World's Greatest Detective, not the World's Greatest Medical Mystery Detective! When you find a murdered body, you don't call Doctor House! And when you find a body bleeding out of its asshole, you don't call Sherlock Holmes! And since Batman needs help solving a medical mystery, he calls the greatest doctor in the world.

Oh, sorry. He calls a retired acrobat.

Batman calls up Dick Grayson and says, "Dick! Remember the first rule of being my friend? When I say jump, you say, 'Skip deedly doo!' Well, I'm saying jump!"

"But Batman," whispers Dick Grayson, "I am in the middle of torturing a man! Surely saying, 'Skip deedly doo!', can wait!"

"I did not ask Shirley to say 'Skip deedly doo!' I asked you to say it! That was a joke from Airplane! It is timeless, is it not?" wheezes Batman into his Batphone. Dick hears the desperation in Bruce's wheezing and agrees to say "Skip deedly doo!" Finally! That kid sure has learned how to back talk!

Batman continues to search for clues amongst the air traffic controllers while probably thinking, "I bet it is Lupus and not at all contagious enough to spread to these innocent workers!" Meanwhile Dick Grayson continues to torture the man he was torturing but now he's asking him to answer Batman's questions.

Batman continues to run around the airport confidently spreading the disease to as many people as possible. "It does not matter who I infect," he brags to himself, "because I will save them all by solving the mystery! Then they will all thank me for saving their lives!"

Back in Minsk, Dick continues to search for clues to the whereabouts of Magnus Magnuson.

"This is the biggest clue yet!"

Dick is finding clues all over the place!

"Look, Bruce! Look! I have found an even bigger clue than the previous clue! Right in my pants!"

Dick learns that Magnus Magnuson is in Gotham! He's on the plane! Everybody get out! He's on the plane!

I already knew that because I found the biggest clue of all: the cover of the comic book. See Magnus Magnuson choking Batman? See?

The issue ends with everybody surviving thanks to Magnus Magnuson's blood! Yay! Except then the Narrator chimes in and starts blabbing about how we're all going to die. Way to ruin the moment, Narrator! And way to hit us all over the head with your philosophy of "slowing down to smell the roses because we know we're going to die" being the way we should all embrace life. Or something. I stopped listening because I don't enjoy pedantry unless it's coming out of my own typing fingers. Also, pedantry isn't perverted like some of you dumb dumbs probably think it is. Buy a dictionary! Also, a dictionary has nothing to do with penises.

Detective Comics #36 Rating: I'm changing up my ratings this month. Everything is getting reshuffled! So I won't be rating anything for the rest of the month. I'm just going to stick all the books back in whatever order feels right as I read them and as I reflect on how consistently well written each of the titles has been. It's hard to judge Detective Comics because this is a new creative team (and I don't even know if they're going to stick around for more than this two part story). But this issue alone was not a very good example of Batman's detective skills. He really just got lucky that Magnuson was the cure and that Magnuson was on board the plane. Hey, you know what? Dick got lucky too!

Superman Unchained #9

Oh yeah! Wraparound cover! Party time! Excellent!

Once again, Superman is depicted with his eyes on fire! I guess that's a symbol of how unchained he is. Although it looks more like he's "vchained" this issue, whatever that is. Also, his eyes tend to be on fire in any book he's in, whether he's unchained or not. I'm going to do something right now that I'm particularly loath to do: dig through my New 52 comic book boxes! Let's see how often Superman has been depicted with his eyes on fire on the covers of the comic books he's appeared in. Be aware that a statistical error of "my comic book store sometimes gives me variants" probably makes all of my data invalid.

On the cover of the Justice League, Superman appears twenty times out of the first thirty six issues (counting the zero issue). Only four of those covers show him using his heat vision. On one cover, his eyes are yellow because he's half-Cheetah-man. On some of the covers where he isn't using his heat vision, he's a skeleton or an image on a poster. I think that's a pretty good ratio of showing Superman about to fuck shit up.

Action Comics didn't have many instances with Superman blasting his heat vision because he generally just looked scared and confused on most of the covers, especially during Grant Morrison's run. Andy Diggle comes along and we get three out of four covers with Superman unchained, spraying hot liquid looks all over the place! Then Lobdell took over and I had a seizure and may have lost count. But I think the instances of Superman's heat vision were rare. During the Doomed run, instances of Superman's eyes flying off the handle skyrocket which might be why I feel like his eyes are always on fire now. Even with the run of burning eyeballs at the end, just nine of thirty-nine Action Comics covers have Superman prepared to let loose the eye fire. That's about a quarter of the time while Justice League had the ratio about a fifth of the time.

Superman had eleven eye blasts (kind of?) out of thirty-seven appearances, counting Hector Hammond with glowing eyes wearing a Superman suit. That's a little less than one-third of the time which is the most egregious example. Superman Unchained only had two or three, depending on what the original cover of Issue #1 looked like. I have the Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez cover for that issue.

Tallying my data, it looks to me like I'm making more of a big deal about it than it really is! Wow! Who would have guessed I was flying off the handle with no substantial evidence to back up my rants?! Stupid fucking data. Can't take my side just once?

One thing I did learn but didn't think to count the instances (and it's a good thing I didn't so I can make it seem worse than it really is!) is that Superman appears with his eyes closed an unchained amount of times! Sometimes he's getting his ass kicked. Sometimes he's kissing Wonder Woman. Sometimes he's throwing a punch like a wussy baby with his eyes clamped tight. It's ridiculous! I suppose I could have counted those covers as instances of his glowing red eyes since maybe they were glowing under the lids, right?

On to the comic book, kids! Last issue, Lex Luthor had just challenged Superman to save the world with his new Pure Sun (If You Don't Count The Kryptonite and the Heroin) Serum which will turn Superman into an atom bomb capable of destroying an invading alien fleet. The downside? Superman will die! Will Superman choose to save the world Lex's way? Or will he run back to Wraith, apologize for shoving a cock ring down his throat, and challenge Wraith to save he world by injecting this cool new drug he just happened to have on hand! Wraith survived that kind of thing once before! And besides, it's time for atonement! Or blood! One of those! Maybe both!

Oh, was this flashback taking place in this comic book? This feels more like a Superman Loves Batman memory.

How is little Clark Kent going to get out of this one?! How many fans are going to look at this scene and simply think, "Little Clark was so cute?" Fucking Jason Todd fans can suck it! They can go visit Ronnie Raymond's mother and eat a big old plate of dog dick!

Oh, um, never mind that. That was something else that's been on my mind lately. You see, I posted a panel with a scripting error and I made a joke about the scripting error. The panel was reblogged a few dozen times because it had Jason Todd in it and a bunch of the people reblogging it were trying to rationalize the scene, or they just wound up squeebling over Jason Todd. Is Squeebling the thing the kids do now when something gives them so many feels they shit themselves? Somebody should go add that to Urban Dictionary right now!

Clark shouts and knocks Mr. Colder against the wall where he probably doesn't die or else we've got a great big new boner in Clark's closet! I mean skeleton! I meant skeleton in his closet! "And on that day, cute little adorable Clark Kent swore he would never kill again. Except aliens. And robots."

Look at that! They're in the Arctic now even though General Lane attacked Superman in his Antarctic Fortress of Solitude!

Since DC has screwed up the location of the Fortress of Solitude too many times to count (I can't count past five), I'm simply going to believe that Superman has two Fortresses of Solitude. He had to build a second one after Batman learned about his first one and figured out how to hide in the gigantic key so he could sneak in when Superman unlocked the place.

Wonder Woman calls Superman to talk about her feelings but he's all, "Not now, Wonder Woman! I have to save the planet!" As opposed to, you know, "No matter what happens, know that I'll always love you." And then he would have hung up the ear phone and Wonder Woman would have fallen to her knees screaming, "NOOOOO!" Mostly because his cock was super unchained. Wonder Woman's clitoris is invulnerable, so it needs super unchained body parts rubbing on it to feel anything. Now she's going to have to begin dating Barry Allen.

Superman has a tender moment with Lois Lane before flying off to kill himself after which Lois, Jimmy, and General Lane are mauled by polar bears.

What do you think Lex has saved to read on the day he finally defeated Superman? I bet it's some Young Adult series. Probably Indulgent. Is that the name of the third book of the Divergent series?

Back in Clark's flashback, he begins trying to resuscitate old man Colder. Maybe this is when he learns to fly around the Earth really, really fast so that he travels back in time! Or this is where he learns with great power comes great thrill in killing whomever you want.

Back in Metropolis inside Perry White's secret editor-in-chief's super computer room, an obituary flashes up on the screen for a Ben Rios, 1918-2014. I don't know who that is but he was fucking old! Also I thought I should acknowledge it since Jim Lee or the Letterer or an editor or Scott Snyder or some guy down at the print shop felt this was the best place to honor good old Ben. Take care in the afterlife, Ben! And by afterlife, you know I mean not existing! So I'm kind of talking to myself!

While Superman flies into space to blow himself to bits and the rest of the world begins shutting down electronically due to the Earth Stone, Lex Luthor tells Lois Lane how he knew everything he knew and how he came to the conclusion that Superman should blow up like a frog with a firecracker up its ass. He explains, slowly, enunciating as clearly as possible since he was talking to a journalist, what he learned about Superman.

NO! It can't be! You mean Superman...learns from experience?!

This is why I can't stand people like C.S. Lewis and Ayn Rand. People who ignore the strength of changing ones beliefs and ideals based on real world experience. People who believe every decision they make in their lives should be based on a foundation of unchanging, rigid beliefs. They, as Lex Luthor puts it, stand for something. Doesn't fucking matter what that something is! It's just important that they stand for it and they don't ever back down from what they, at some time in their life, decided to believe was the right thing to do, or the right way to act. But I say, "Fuck foundational philosophies! All they help you do is build limited buildings with no imagination or room for spontaneity or change. Plus their basements probably leak like Charles Dickens. Is that a saying? Did he pee himself a lot?" You can all quote me on that, if you want. That's why I put it in the helpful quotation marks.

Superman flies into the fleet and decides not to take Lex Luthor's Wonder Drug. That seems about right since Superman stands for not killing anybody. That's one of those foundational beliefs I think probably get him and Batman in a lot of trouble. They should allow for a little bit of experiential leeway on that one! Once Batman sees The Joker kills dozens of people every time he returns, you've got to start thinking, "Hey? Is my basement leaking like Charles Dickens?" Superman can't take the drug to kill himself. Not because he doesn't want to die saving the world but because he doesn't want to kill anybody while he saves the world. What a puss!

Although once he destroys one ship (probably killing the aliens inside! See? I told you he kills aliens! Jerko!), he gets blasted by every other ship in the fleet. He's about to die so he finally tries to shoot up with Lex Luthor's Grand Old Timey Cure-All! But he can't do it! He pretends to try and then lets the needle go and thinks, "Oh darn! Did anybody see that? It just slipped out of my hand! Whoops! I tried to save the world. Oh well! Shucks! Darn!" But that's when Wraith shows up for that blood/atonement thing I mentioned earlier!

"Wraith...Wraith...it must be...inserted...into your anus. *snicker*"

Wraith plugs Lex Luthor's Super Serum and then shoves Superman back to Earth. In the DC Universe, Earth and the Sun are quite close to each other and it only takes a few seconds for ships or Kryptonians to travel from one to the other. As Wraith blows up the entire fleet, Lex Luthor comes as close as he's ever going to come to saying that he admires Superman. But he makes sure to preface it with "I still think Superman is a fucking dick."

You know, we don't get enough sass from Perry White in The New 52. Let's enjoy this one for a bit, shall we?

The issue ends with some sentimental stuff between Clark and Lois that the readers with emotions probably might enjoy but which I just scanned wondering, "Where are the 0s and 1s? Beep beep beep." And then Superman Unchained is over! Yay! I love when a title ends! I just wish so many new titles weren't constantly beginning! Jesus Christ, DC! Give me a fucking break, will ya?!

Superman Unchained #9 Rating: +4 Ranking. This issue made up for all the silliness in the last issue. Sure, it was predictable! But I did enjoy Luthor's speechifying. And Wraith's atonement was nicely understated in the silence of space. Great finish to a series that had way more hits than misses and may possible have been the second best Superman story of The New 52 after Grant Morrison's Action Comics run. But I will give this story the best story that's also coherent!

Green Lantern #36

I wonder how many covers throughout DC's two hundred year history involve a gigantic hand grabbing a hero? I bet the majority of those covers are giant hands grabbing Hal like this one or the giant hand is The Spectre's.

Across the last few issues of Green Lantern, the Green Lanterns have been learning that their most powerful weapon in the universe is a dime store novelty in the face of New Gods technology. And yet the New Gods themselves are treating the rings as the most powerful weapons in the universe. Which leads me to believe that all of the Lanterns are using their rings incorrectly and have no idea what the fuck they're doing. That isn't much of a surprise seeing as how Mogo has lost his ring and not one fucking Green Lantern has offered to give up their ring to save their own fucking headquarters. Somebody could at least pull the Sinestro trick and create a ring for Mogo! I'm beginning to believe that Sinestro isn't an arrogant asshole at all! He is the only person that knows how to use a fucking ring.

I'm going to adapt this speech for use at Thanksgiving on my own father!

Orion might be a loose cannon but even a loose cannon points at the right ship twice a day. Those rings are bullshit! I don't think Highfather needs them to defeat Darkseid at all! I think Highfather just wants a fancy set of cock rings.

Meanwhile the Green Lantern Corps are rushing off to ask Sinestro to teach them how to best utilize their power rings. Too bad they're headed to Sector 3502 instead of Sector 3567 where New Korugar actually is. Can't they do anything right?

Somehow, the Green Lanterns still manage to find New Korugar even with Venditti and his editors constantly fucking up its location. Unless Cullen Bunn fucked up its location! I have no idea where New Korugar really is now!

The entire universe is about to go down the toilet, Bohemian Guardians. Don't fuck up your only chance at saving it by insulting Sinestro!

Don't worry, Sinestro! As I've already pointed out, I know you're the most powerful Lantern in the universe. Kyle Rayner? Most powerful? Don't make me rant!

Hal Jordan's plan for battling the New Gods is to ask William Hand for assistance. The Bohemian Guardians forbid Hal Jordan from recruiting the Black Lanterns to his army. But what right do they have to tell Hal Jordan what to do? They aren't real Guardians! They have no authority here! Which is why Hal Jordan, according to the cover, is probably just going to ignore them.

Sinestro, being Hal Jordan's truest friend and most hated enemy, gives him a good pep talk that involves very little pep and lots of punching. But it serves its purpose! Sinestro convinces Hal Jordan to do what Hal Jordan does best: do something completely irrational!

Dammit! I don't want to find common ground with Hal Jordan! But I think this is why my uncle, an engineer for Lockheed Martin, enjoyed playing Chess with me when I was a stripling. Because my game playing was such a terrific, thoughtless mess that it made it a challenge to beat me.

Sinestro takes the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps to Qward to hide from the New Gods until Hal Jordan can bring back some fodder for the upcoming battle. And that fodder will be given to him by Black Hand and the Black Lantern Corps.

The Black Hand is busy on Earth being the lovable, B-list villain loser he's always been at heart. He's just hanging out in Coast City waiting for Hal Jordan to resume his old school adventures battling villains that never should have posed him much threat as they robbed banks and mugged joggers. He's decided to enjoy an old fashioned circus while he waits for Hal to return to his old school ways.

Why isn't Dick in the act? Oh my God! Dick Grayson isn't really dead!

Hal Jordan asks Black Hand to gather up his ridiculous army and join the fight against the New Gods. I'm sure he'll say yes.

Green Lantern #36 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Sinestro and The Black Hand were written to my liking. But the Green Lantern Corps themselves aren't doing much to help the ranking of their own book! The jerks abandoned Mogo when they could have easily helped the big guy out! Stupid assholes. Hal Jordan should have marched up to one of those asshat Green Lanterns that refuse to use their ring because of Relic's Peak Emotion Theory, snatched the ring off of their finger, and given it to a great big lovable planet that wants to use the ring for good. Poor Mogo. Nobody fucking cares about Mogo.

Gotham Academy #2

Olive joins the Cult of the Bat!

I grew up with the original Degrassi Junior High airing on PBS stations all over America and causing thousands of children to crush hard on Caitlin Ryan and Joey Jeremiah. I think I'm a year younger than Stacie Mistysyn, so you can imagine how my little heart yearned for her love and affection. Then in my twenties, Sailor Moon (with the Canadian dub (another Canadian show to wreak havoc on my unfeeling heart!)) came to syndication and I fell in love with Sailor Mars. No wait, Sailor Jupiter. No, Sailor Venus! All of them? Anyway, I remember crying on the couch while watching the episode with the song "Rainy Day Man". I'm such an asshole. I don't remember what touched me in my thirties. A drunk uncle, maybe? But now in my forties, I get to crush on Gotham Academy! And don't think I'm that pervy old drunk uncle man! I explained all of this in my Cheetah #1 commentary! We are every age we've ever been! So watching Sailor Moon, I am the boy that just about died giving Marilyn Mendoza a rose I picked on the way to school for her birthday! So I can fall in love with Olive Silverlock and Maps Mizoguchi without it being creepy, you judgmental whippersnapper!

This issue begins with snippets of Millie Jane Cobblepot's secret sex diary.

I think she's writing about her clitoris.

While all sexed up from reading old fashioned euphemisms for dingles and crickets, Olive notices the Cult of the Bat race beneath her window. And one of them notices her! Because when you look into the Cult of the Bat, the Cult of the Bat looks into you! That's some profound philosophy I just made up which has never been said by anybody ever.

Later in History Class, Heathcliff and Pom Fritters nearly bang on a desk. I think they've been banging all over the school at night making everybody think a ghost is haunting the buildings. Sometimes I hear the neighbors downstairs banging and I put my mouth really close to the floor and I say in my deepest, most guttural voice, "Put it in my butt."

All of this is to say that Olive and Pom Poms wind up having to do their Gotham History project together. It's because they're Fremeses! That means that they are each the Fremesis of the other! Because Fremeses is the plural for Fremesis, of course! Their relationship is probably going to be a lot like Buffy and Cordelia's relationship. Except hopefully sexier.

I need an artist to draw pictures for my Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators!

I'm so happy that Maps is a roller playing nerd! She's the best.

Here's my version of a Serpents & Spells Character Sheet:

Olive meets Pomegranate at the library which has an owl statue out front. So we know who's running Gotham Academy! No, not Dumbledore, you dumbdumbdork! Forget I even said anything! If you're not going to take me seriously, why even bother? I'm just going to read my comic book in peace now! Stop bothering me with your need for insight about the story from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I'm done with you!

Don't worry, other readers! I wasn't talking to you! Just that smart aleck that couldn't resist a Harry Potter shout out. Fuck Harry Potter! He's just a Frodo wannabe! Frodo and Sam's love story was far greater than any of that juvenile romantic twaddle in the Potter books! Probably!

In the library, Olive and Pommel Horse find a version of Millie Jane's Diary with a map of the North Hall and the cemetery behind it. It's a mystery to be solved! And who better to solve mysteries than a bunch of meddling kids! Although they don't have a dog that one of them hallucinates can talk. That could hurt their ability to trap the old man in the ghost mask.

What are you talking about, Pomeline? That was always so funny when the little black kid with the rich white gentrification specialist used to say that! He did it better than I can!

Something happened the previous summer to Olive but even Olive doesn't know what it was because she can't remember the previous summer. I bet it has something to do with her Wayne Foundation Scholarship! And maybe her mother.

Later that night, Maps and Olive follow the Cult of the Bat out to the cemetery behind the North Hall. That's where all the hauntings have been happening! I'm so scared! They might encounter a g-g-g-g-ghost! Especially after they find the secret entrance to the old Cobblepot family crypt and head down into the darkness!

Screw Alysia Yeoh! Maps is my favorite New 52 character! Not my favorite character I want to have sex with! I'm not a huge and complete perv! Anyway, my favorite character I want to have sex with is still a toss up between Vampire Tig and Supergirl's Bum.

The Cult of the Bat are spouting gibberish (I hope calling their speaking in tongues "gibberish" doesn't offend whoever actually speaks the gibberish language they're gibberishing) when Olive and Maps enter. Olive sees they've got the book from the library and she bravely marches up to take it back because that pompous Pom and her fucksack Heathcliff and their other mysterious friend that is probably Kyle don't deserve the book. But Olive knocks over some candles and sets the stone on fire and now everybody is going to die. But hopefully not before Olive tells us who her fucking mother is!

Gotham Academy #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art alone is worth reading this book. And the characters alone are worth reading this book. The mystery isn't enough to keep reading this book because it's just stringing the reader along for the sake of keeping an air of mystery so far. But I think a lot will be revealed next issue, and since there are so many other reasons alone to be reading this book, the mystery can afford to take its time!

Twat Lobo #2

This cover says, "Are you ready to be bored by whatever is going on here? A barbecuing accident, maybe? I don't know. Whatever."

Last issue, Twat Lobo killed the first of eight demolition specialists that have been paid a good deal of money to destroy Florida. I guess it's one of those "whoever destroys it first gets the money" kind of contracts. You know, the kind assassins and mercenaries love to take on so much because they have so much time to waste trying to complete a job that they might never get paid for. In this issue, Twat Lobo will probably kill one more of his targets. It might prove to be a little challenging in the first third of the book but then he'll pull it off in the end and cut off somebody's head while saying, "Sorry. Not sorry." Then I'll put the comic book down, go into the bathroom, vomit up my dinner, take off all of my clothes, sit in the shower, and cry for three hours.

How are they supposed to look Florida in the eye before destroying it? Of course they're using technology to do the job! What kind of demolition specialist punches a structure into rubble?

I'm pretty good at deciphering texts when they're simple substitutions. But this one where every letter is a skull and crossbones could prove impossible. I'm going to try anyway!

Grunt Brother #1: "You are loving a cow!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Who fucked a sheep?"
Grunt Brother #3: "Bovine!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Bessie!"
Grunt Brother #1: "Eww..."
Grunt Brother #2: "Who?"

Before Twat Lobo kills the next three of his targets (although I'm assuming they only count as one and his contact lied about his contract), he does admit that these guys would have a hard time looking Florida in the eye. Florida the state! Not Florida Evans the strong yet loving mother of three.

Just count these guys as three of the eight! The contract was for eight kills. Twat Lobo is going to get a reputation for being a chump. I hope.

I have absolutely no feelings for this character. It's just a pale imitation of one of DC's preboot characters. He's fucking annoying. And everybody that is attracted to him can jump in front of three buses. You're ruining comic books by supporting this bullshit.

Twat Lobo climbs out of the ancient cave with thousand year old drawings by an alien race on the walls and exits through a portable toilet. Because that's exactly how those things work! They're just big plastic rectangles positioned over deep holes cut down into the earth. He takes the world destroying device with him and heads back to his stupid looking circle cycle. That's where he finds three new characters that insist they're going to be his partners.

If I were Cullen Bunn and I were given this assignment, I would want to shoot myself in the face every time I used that phrase.

Twat Lobo's new partners are Rave, Luna, and Emily. They're sure to become the next big hits in the world of comic book fandoms! But first they need more fleshed out personalities than bald mustache guy, cowboy hat wearing bad ass, and short person. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a comic book! Those are perfectly acceptable personalities.

Twat Lobo has a flashback which shows him as a lover and a protector and an all around perfect twat. We hates him.

Twat Lobo and his new team kill the third target in Shanghai. He's a robot that enjoys wearing human skin. Now that's a great personality! Too bad he's dead now. He was the best character in the book so far. His plan to destroy Florida was to cause a zombie apocalypse. Which he started before Twat Lobo could kill him. So now this book just got super exciting because it's zipping right down the zeitgeist freeway! Zombies! That has to be an exciting comic book seller, right? Look at how well The Walking Dead is doing and that's totally all about zombies! Twat Lobo is going to make DC scads of cash!

I bet Cullen Bunn's script just read: "Page 17: Lobo battles zombies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Another thing Twat Lobo does that is getting increasingly more annoying: he keeps mentioning The Code. Nice easy parameters for Cullen Bunn to build the motivations behind the character.

Nerdgasm.com: "Tell us about Lobo, Mr. Bunn."
Cullen Bun: "He's a bad ass that can kill anything but he has his limits!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What are those limits?"
Cullen Bunn: "Well, they're parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What's the code?"
Cullen Bunn: "You'll find out as the comic book progresses! Whenever I need to limit Lobo or set up a situation to challenge him, I'll think up new parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "So you don't believe in writing a fully realized character then? Just a version of the real Lobo that takes direction from a set of rules you make up on the fly to direct the plot?"
Cullen Bunn: "Fuck you! Your stupid ass website is name Nerdgasm! Assholes."

Twat Lobo and his new partners defeat the zombies. Afterward, Twat Lobo doesn't kill his new partners. I can't wait until Rave, Luna, and Emily become Heroclix. They're going to be so popular! Emily even said, "Taste hot, melty death!" That's like a totally whimsical thing a teenager would say, right? And Luna said, "My bad!" Ha ha! Who says that for real, right? "My bad!" Such a hoot! And did you see Rave's handlebar mustache?! Ah ha ha! What a cut up!

Twat Lobo #2 Rating: No change. It wasn't bad enough to lower its rank. But I'm not enjoying it at all either. This is the worst fucking character since Vibe.