Swamp Thing #36

This doesn't look like horror at all! This? This is romance! Bleck!

Abigail hasn't been around for some time because she's not very interesting without her Uncle Anton touching her creepily. Also she's a lousy Avatar of the Rot. You're supposed to be Swamp Thing's antagonist, Abby! Antagonists don't hug! Unless it's a death hug! Swamp Thing does seem to be evaporating wherever he's touching her.

Last issue, A Calculus and their goons had marched into Swamp Thing's backyard and began destroying it. Swamp Thing was busy not destroying the Machine's Headquarters because he's never heard of a little thing called a preemptive strike! That's where you tell as many people as you can that a place that has resources you really want for yourself is the most evil place in the world and that they're going to destroy us all if we don't destroy them first. Then when everybody goes, "Let's see the evidence!", you shout, "No time! No time!" Then you attack the place (or person) as they go, "What the fuck?" Except they probably say "what the fuck" in a different language because it's wrong, for some reason, to attack places that speak the same language as you do.

Everything I've learned from pop culture leads me to believe the same thing: a war with machines is inevitable! The only way we can stop that from happening is if we create a zombie apocalypse first. Then the zombies can worry about fighting the machines when we're all dead.

Swamp Thing returns just in time from his arctic vacation to disassemble A Calculus and their hooligans. I guess Charles Soule can write a fight scene!

Alec realizes he finally has a good reason to call Abigail. He should probably call Buddy as well so it looks like he's keeping the visit with Abby professional. Then he can cough a few times and stare really hard at Buddy as he jerks his head toward the door until Buddy gets the hint and beats it.

If they can't touch, watching each other masturbate is a decent option.

While Alec and Abby create duplicates of themselves which they watch fuck until they burn, A Calculus, along with B Calculus and C Calculus, go about choosing a human avatar for the machines. If I were them, I'd pick Kevin Kho! He's already used to being part of a machine and he's completely human.

They consider Cyborg, Metallo, Cyborg Superman, The Metal Men, and Earl J. Dukeston. Better known as The Duke of Oil! Are you fucking kidding me? Way to pull that guy out of your ass, Charles Soule! Maybe Charles Soule loves the original Outsiders just like I do!

After vetoing all of the people I mentioned, the Calculi seem to be thinking about choosing Anton Arcane as the Avatar of Machines, simply for his experience. They haven't named him yet but they're considering a candidate with all the requisite skills of an Avatar. And Anton seems like the best prospect out there.

Oh! Even better! How could I forget you so quickly, my lovely Lady Weeds?!

Swamp Thing #36 Rating: Swamp Thing under Charles Soule has been one of my favorite books of The New 52. For now, this comic will remain high up in the ranks as I re-sort my rankings. What will it become when Soule leaves though? I hope whoever takes over after Soule turns it into a dark, disgusting, horror story full of unheimlich and uncanny valleys! Or something. I might not know what I'm talking about.

Futures End: Swamp Thing #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Look arounds us, sees? Dusty Stretches norf, souf, eas, wes, frowards, backslides, ups, downs. Ain't no 'scapin' nows. Ain't no uses worryin' bouts hows we comeded to it. We's gots boff feets in da dust and it be billowin' ups 'round us, obfuscurrin' everfing. Somedust, when peeps 'cognicize me speech when I be down in dem lower voices, dat duster'll sayem, "Goggs! Goggs! I love your show, Goggs! I don't know if I could make it through each week without it. But, seriously, what...what are we doing? What is this--" and dey'll sweep out dey arms ta take in da corpses and da rats and da filth and da cracks and da dust, oh dat fuckity dust, and continue, "--what is this all for?" And Goggs will say, "Who dis Goggs? What da fuckity ya on about, looper?" And Goggs will continue on 'er way to doin' whatevems she uz up ta. Old Goggs cain't take da chance ta identifies herself downs in the lower voices, gets it? But she cans answer ya questyshin up here in her cozy broadcastin' nest.

What are we doin? We gettin' on mit life, dat's what we doin'. Ya wanna end it, ya end it. If'n ya don'ts wanna end it, ya keep trudgin' frough dat dust. What else cans ya do, feels it? It ain't no differencing den Formertimes. What da fuckity were ya doin' den? Work weeks and foopsballs on da weekends. Forcin' yaself ta make friendies mit da peeps ya stuck wit at yer job. Fillin' up dat safe 'count mit as much koku as possibles fer jess in case ya donna corpse it too youthful. Weren't no point ta life den, ain't no point ta life now. Fings was jess much cleaner in Formertimes. And ya didna spend piles a koku on fuckity masks ta cover upside yer nostrums, ja? Joins a gang or a religy movesment ifn ya cain't figger out yer own meaning. But Goggs sure as hell ain't gonna give ya da meanings of life. Afferdust, Old Goggs is a beliefer in The Secret, so she be gettin' her answers fum some other duster anydust! Although, truff be in da tellin, Goggs mossly likems The Secret cause it bout gettin' merde easy-like, feels me? Writes it on a board, fink dem positron foughts, and whiz-bango! Ya gots what ya wanted! Okay, maybe sumdust it takes a mighty small bit of mighty extremes violence as well. But fuckity, The Goddess never said Old Goggs couldna bust some faces ta make her dreams come truthful. At leastways, not in any a da epersodes Goggs 'members.

Dis week's littyrapture funfun book starrems Swamp Thing and it be called "The Zeugma." Fuckity fuck, wishem Prof were here ta tell me what dat means. Nows Old Goggs gotsta digs up da Oxford and flip pages, ja? Lessee, lessee.

[sounds of pages shuffling for about twenty seconds]

Aha! Here em is: noun. "a figure of speech in which a word applies to two others in different senses or to two others of which it semantically suits only one." I sposes dat haff sumfing ta do mit dis here telltale, ja? Mayhaps it splains how dem Divideds and dem Fungis cans do da same jobs as da rots but in a differenty kinda way? Or mayhappens it just means hows dat Swamp Thing says, nearly lastly, "Tears up or tears it down." Although dat seems more kinship ta a homopun or somefink. Or mayhappers it jess in reference ta da two Swamp Things dat battles Anton. Or possibilitates dat it describes Anton and Abby where dey are boff of dem da Rot but dat onny really applicates ta Anton. Sos dats hows we know Abby survivin' in da ends. Dat pobabaly makems da mos' sense; dat da Anton/Abby creature be da Zuegma. Or maybe Old Goggs jess donna fuckity get it, get it?

Trooff, Swampy Fing. Whatevems.

Dis telltale gives 'way da endin' a dat Futures End pap what been goin' on fer weeks and weeks da las' five round trips. Sees, ta keep da Gods und da Superior-Naturals from interferin' like mit da mortals, deys all make da deal mit da Spectre ta border demselves off from da mortal realms. I spose dat forceded da ovver Gods like Darkseids and Anti-Monitors and Brainsiacs into some kinda closeted off systems ta help end da New Earf/Earf Two war. And now dat be dones wif, Swampy Fing gonna go destroy da Rot onct and for allsatime.

But firsts, Swampy needs help from da ovver realms like da Grey and da Divided and da Metal and da Gray. Acause da Earf cain't exist mitout rot. But fungi and divided do all dat rot business demselves. So what da fuckity is da Rot den? I spose da Rot da superior-natural side of organic matters breakin' down as 'posed ta da scientifical way dat da Fungi and da Bacterium shoulda been takin' care a allatime anydust. But dey been lazy and self-involved or somefin.

Da Gray's somefin were dem lustful temptations.

Who dis chica and what's da Grey wanna mit her? Old Goggs donna know! Perhappens it's Sue Dibny and da Grays ams Ralph! Or permaybe dis heres be Deaf's teenylittle sister? Or possables ain't nobody noduster readin' might recognize nohows. Old Goggs bets da necklery is da clue!

Nex', da Swampy visitem da Red whose Avatar is a fuckity bonger, sees? Dat mus' mean da new avatar ams Brothers Blood. Affer dat, da Swampy visitem da Divided where da Avatar's name is Sarah. Den Swampy visitem da Metal where dat Avatar be makin' an Anti-Monitor costume fer hisself. Unless it jess a Swampy costume acause he gonna haff ta take over dat Green job (or gonna take alla dem realms over!) if'n Swampy dies. Or it jess be a hot dog vendor costume since it got alla dem condiments bottles on da backs a it.

The Zeugma?

Affer dat Swampy bongerslaps Anton und frees his loverly and most probable corpses it as well. Abby might also corpse it. And Anton mos' definite corpses it. And Swamp be a hero and merde.

Dere ya go, ya lower voices what allways up and down lookin' fer da meanin' a tings. Swamp Fing, he doin' what he tinks be rights, no matters what dangers dat puts him afore. Mayhap choosin' ta give it all up and corpse it doin' what ya fink is da right fing ta do be better than squirrel-hidin' in yer holes und safe places jess tryin' eke out da longes' potentials life, ja? Meanin' ta life ain't gots to 'quate ta dangers nohow neitherway, dough. But ya fink hidin' and livin' long better den pursuin' personal goals and desires und corpsin' it early? Mayhappers, mayhappers. But dat ain't not for Old Goggs. Ya all of ya may sees her as a voice jess passin' da judgments from upover da clouds but dats acause dats all she wantin' ya ta see. Dere be a reason she ain't wanna be 'cognicized by dem lower voices. She got plans, ya Mopes. She gotta lotta fuckity plans. And if ya fink ya know what ya hearin' each week, if ya fink Old Goggs is doin' dis merde ta make yer lifes passables, ya fuckity deaf, dumb-dumb, und mole-sighted. Dis here weekly...dis ain'ts fa youse, feels me? Dis for him. Now fuckity off, ya misery wretchers.

Arcane #1

This is my favorite Lenticular cover so far. Especially because you can see down his throat and his tongue waggles.

Since Marguerite Bennett got to take control of Lobo for this Villains Month, I thought I'd ask her a question on Twitter. It went like this:

Grunion Guy: "Since you wrote Lobo #1, do you know if DC has any plans for Sheba, the last female Czarnian created by Liefeld?"
Marguerite Bennett: "I'm afraid I don't know!"
Grunion Guy: "Thanks! I can read between the lines. Time to go to press with 'Bennet says DC Banking on Success of Sheba in 2014!'"

You heard it here first, folks! Look for a Sheba ongoing series in the Seventh Wave along with a Sheba mini-series, Sheba action figure, Sheba bedsheets, and a Sheba movie in 2016! I can't fucking wait. I hope they can get Liefeld back to write the script for the Sheba movie.

Do you think any of the editors at DC even remember Sheba? God I fucking hope so.

That had nothing to do with Arcane but I'm sure I can bring back around at some point!

The issue begins with Anton Arcane in hell. Which is a perfect place to start because that's where he was left at the end of the 1985 Who's Who Entry! And I also can't quite remember what happened to him in the Swamp Thing run. Didn't the Parliament of Rot Decay decide he was shit as their avatar and dumped his ass? Oh remembering things! Apparently I'm wasting all of my read only memory on Sheba and Scott Lobdell's forgotten plot threads.

I've experienced my own particular Hell as well!

My hell was the parking lot of a strip club in San Jose, California. I was wearing my Neil Gaiman's Death t-shirt (the one that was half black and half white) while staring at reflected in the window of a truck while it was also reflected in the side mirror. A truck full of hooting rednecks kept circling the parking lot, over and over and over and, well, over. I realized I was not who I thought I was. The trip I was going to take to China was imagined. My road trip in a Volkswagen Bus across the United States: never going to happen. My life was this parking lot and this reflected image and this truck of drunk assholes, replaying on an infinite loop. Also, Jupiter was following me. I wouldn't say it was a bad Hell. But it was the infinite loops and regressions that seemed a bit overwhelming. And having a planet watching your every movement is a bit disconcerting. It was during this trip to Hell that I invented comic books though. I thought, "Words and pictures? Damn. That could be used to tell great stories."

I should probably postpreface this story by saying I was on mushrooms.

Arcane is driven to kill himself over and over again since nothing in his Hell rots and it's making him a bit mad. Both crazy and pissed. Not drunk pissed but mad pissed! Not crazy pissed but angry pissed! I should probably choose to keep to American English or British English and stop frolicking in both of their playgrounds. But since I don't really know enough British English (I only recently learned they call underwear "pants." And I love it. Do I love it because it's new? Or do I love it because I'm fetishizing their culture and treating them like little monkeys that do the cutest and most adorable things? Probably that one), I guess I'd have to stick to stupid American English if I did. Which I won't do! So instead I'll use idioms and expressions I only really half understand so that I can sound cute and adorable like a British monkey-person. Except to those self-same British Monkey-persons who will just think I sound like an idiot. But what do they know! We kicked their asses (with the help of the French and German and a great big wide ocean) over two hundred years ago and that settled the matter once and for all! Am I right? Sure, they tried to get us back by sending those Beatles over here and showing us what real power is. Actually, I think that wasn't their idea either! The Beatles just didn't want to pay taxes so they came to America where rich people get to do whatever they want! You think you can force a rich American to do something? Well fuck you! He'll just dress up in a racist outfit and dump your tea in the fucking ocean, motherfucker! Take that!

Sometimes when I'm typing away, I just feel like an out-of-control child that just drank a can of Mountain Dew. "I'm going to touch everything in the house ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Here's a picture of Arcane in Hell to help me get back on track.

Abigail appears and I realize she's the Narrator which caused me to go back to the start and begin again with that knowledge in mind. Which made me get to this panel which I must have glossed over the first time.

It gave me goosebumps this second time. Big, evil, monster Anton Arcane whispering, desperately, "Please." Charles Soule, I look forward to every book you write.

Abigail is visiting Anton Arcane to learn about her mother. It's always these connections to family that get people into trouble. It's a strange thing, this need to know a person that you've never met. Since you've never met them, you shouldn't have any attachments to them, any need to know about them. Is it the influence of society that creates this longing for a false bond? I'm sure many people believe there is some innate need or love that exists between mother and child. But in reality, a child separated from their mother at birth and presented with a society that has no notion of motherhood would never long for something it doesn't know existed. But if you tell this child about how it was born and that the mother/child bond is special, it will begin to long for this bond it never had. What is the word for nostalgia for something that you see others have? What is the longing for a past that you see others have experienced, and therefore a need to recreate what you feel was missing? If only society could stop telling people that they're incomplete by presenting a picture of "normalcy" that isn't fucking normal. There's a reason why the word "individual" exists. Because we are all one. Otherwise the word we would be using would be "Borg."

Except when I turn the page, I see Abigail actually has four memories of her mother. So forget that last rant. Copy and paste it somewhere where it would be more apt.

He wants a taste of the Rot, you perv.

Arcane begins his story about Abigail's mother by telling a story about himself and how he ate a decaying, maggot-filled rabbit that he found in the forest when he was twelve. Remember all that stuff I said about not telling people they aren't normal? Forget it! This kid ain't normal! Although what do I know? Maggot-filled putrefying rabbit might be a delicious entree that I'm missing out on because my stupid upbringing has told me that it's disgusting! I'm so angry right now! What if Maggot-filled Putrefied Rabbit tastes delicious? It might be my favorite dish but nobody has ever allowed me to eat it! I wonder if I can find a recipe online?

MAGGOT-FILLED PUTREFIED RABBIT

INGREDIENTS
1 Carrot
1 Shovel
1 Rabbit

DIRECTIONS:
1. Buy a rabbit at the pet store. Don't look at it too much because you will fall in love with it.
2. Find a secluded spot in the backyard that is safe from dogs and stray cats. Bring the rabbit, the carrot, and the shovel.
3. Put the carrot on the ground.
4. Put the rabbit by the carrot.
5. Hit the rabbit really hard with the shovel. You might have to hit it two or three times.
6. Leave for two weeks.
7. Enjoy!

Om nom nom nom!

Anton continues with his story about how he became the Avatar, he fought female Swamp Thing, he murdered people, and then decided maybe he could make things Rotten without killing him! And that's where Abigail's mother Ilse comes into the picture. Finally.

Not finally like I was bored with the comic book! But finally in that Abigail wanted to hear about her mother and it took Anton a really long, roundabout way to get there. But that's how evil villains tell stories! They just love to hear themselves talk.

Anton decided to perform experimentations on Ilse (read this if you have a problem with "experimentations!") to see if he could pass The Rot on to her without killing her. His first touch was successful, so he kept at it. This was when Ilse sent Abigail away to her sister in France.

Oh are you kidding me? So this part of the story still wasn't about her mother? This must be the part where the Villain is just killing time to come up with an escape plan! Well, at least we have the origin story for The Patchwork Woman whenever she appears.

The story of Abigail's mother consists of one panel about how babies touch things and how Abigail filled her mother with The Rot. This same panel was shown previously but I don't remember the exact context. I think Abigail learned it in The Rotworld timeline, so she had no recollection of it. But now she knows! Now she remembers! Although it could be a lie. That's the problem with asking evil demon people for truthful answers. Why would you fucking trust anything they say?

Abigail gets angry and flounces out of Anton's Hell. But Anton pulls out one of his eyes and tosses it through Abigail's portal as she leaves. Anton's eye escapes into the real world and now will...um, look at stuff? Blink? I don't think it will take over. It's just an eye! I suppose it will take awhile but will eventually regenerate into a full-sized version of Anton Arcane. But does that mean he'll be the same consciousness but in two bodies? Or will he now be two separate Antons?

Arcane #1 Rating: Another good one-shot character study that helps flesh out a high profile nemesis of a New 52 superhero. It also gave some background to Abigail and an origin for The Patchwork Woman which was nice. Almost like having three Villains Month stories in one! And Charles Soule just keeps proving he can write a good comic book script. I just hope DC doesn't drive him away!

Swamp Thing #18

Sure. Live it up while Cliff Baker gets his heart ripped out. Jerks.

Swamp Thing and Animal Man have been sent back in time to fix the world. Animal Man did his thing over in Animal Man #18 and nothing tragic happened at all no matter what I said in the caption to the cover of this issue. So I'm pretty sure nothing tragic will happen in this one either even with the whole "death do them part" foreshadowment on the cover.

As in Animal Man's case, The Parliament of Decay spits Swamp Thing out in the past with about one second left to save Abby's life.

For a bunch of Parliamentary Corpses claiming to want to restore balance to the world, they cut it awfully close here.

But since The Swamp Thing apparently isn't fucking around this time, I guess one second is all he needs.

This is Page Two. I guess Snyder needs 18 pages to depict Abby fucking The Swamp Thing.

Too bad the fucking never happens. Abby and The Swamp Thing realize that Arcane will simply reform. They need to find a way to destroy him and get the Parliament of Decay to choose a newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar. Besides, Future Anton Arcane arrives to try to create his Rotworld again and discovers Past Anton Arcane ripped in half. He eats him and heads off to teach The Parliament of Decay a lesson for helping Swamp Thing and Animal Man.

Apparently the newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar next in the queue is Abby herself. She was always meant to be the next Avatar of Decay but she abdicated when Swamp Thing saved her from Sethe. That's when Anton was chosen as the Avatar. So for Abigail to accept her proper role as the Avatar of Decay, she needs to die just like Alec died to become Swamp Thing. So Swamp Thing shrugs his mossy shoulders and says, "Okay!"

It really didn't take that much convincing. This is like page three or something.

After killing Abby, Swamp Thing is killed by Anton. I sense a pattern here! Let me see if I can suss out what will happen next? Someone else needs to kill someone else. But who?!

Oh yeah! Abby takes Anton! At least she doesn't look like Howard Stern's Beetlejuice this time.

The Swamp Thing regrows back in the swamps of Louisiana near his Parliament of Seedlings. But the body of Alec Holland is gone, killed by Anton. Swamp Thing is all plant now and ready to take his place amongst the Parliament. Except this Swamp Thing has a choice. He can take root and finish out his days as a member of the Parliament, or he can continue to roam the world as The Green's Avatar. Before he chooses, he has a visitor bearing gifts.

What happens if they engage in sexual activity now? Will they destroy each other, leaving Maxine the most powerful creature on Earth?

Oh. Why am I always asking questions instead of turning pages!

I guess that's about as far as they can go.

After the romance, Swamp Thing chooses to continue to be the Avatar because legs. He has all the time in the world to end up rooted to one lousy spot in the swamp! As long as they're offering, he's going to hit the road!

Swamp Thing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm excited about Swamp Thing stories without having to deal with Alec Holland's human side! And we'll probably get a few Abby as the Avatar of Decay one shot stories here and there which should be fun. I really like where this comic is headed now.

Swamp Thing #16

Swamp Thing meet Womanbatgirl.

While Animal Man has built up a mighty army over in his Rotworld: The Red Kingdom half of this story, Swamp Thing has only managed to lose everybody in his group. Maybe that's a good thing because now he'll have time alone in the Batcave to develop a romance with Womanbatgirl. Normally I wouldn't advocate mammal/plant relationships because I was raised as a fear-mongering bigot that can't accept a plant fucking an animal. But Swamp Thing was bitten by Rabid Rot Batman, so he's probably going to turn into a Werebatplant any second now. I don't think Baby Jesus would frown on that relationship.

Come to think of it, does Baby Jesus even exist in The New 52? Oh yeah! He was in an issue of Blue Beetle as a picture on a wall. By seeing that picture, the Reach Scarab inside Jamie Reyes suddenly understood self-sacrifice and was then okay with Jamie's suicidal plans. And I guess the whole origin of The Phantom Stranger hinges on Jesus having been an actual person in The New 52. But I still have to wonder how DC rebooted him! What was his origin in this universe? What were his powers? Is he friends with the Greek Gods from Wonder Woman? Is he more believable than the one in our universe?

Back to Swamp Thing and his lack of an army, all he needs to do is find twelve year old Damian Wayne alive and his group will be more powerful than Animal Man's. Maybe not more powerful but definitely angrier. But whatever happened in Gotham must have to stay in Gotham because this comic book begins with Swamp Thing trudging up to Arcane's back door all by himself.

Swamp Thing versus Superman and the Suicide Squad and The Birds of Prey! Let's hope he has a surprise Bat-army following him up. Everyone can always use a surprise Bat-army.

Of course the scene shifts to six days earlier where Babs Gordon shows Swamp Thing a recording of Half-Rot Batman made specifically for Alec Holland. Because Batman prepares for every eventuality, especially the eventuality that usually happens. Or maybe it was just a lucky guess that Swamp Thing would wander into Gotham looking for him. Except I think maybe it was Poison Ivy who told Swamp Thing that Batman was working on something he could use. I forget how the plan was put together because I read too many fucking comic books and can't keep anything straight anymore. Anyway, Batman made something for Alec to use against Arcane. Or maybe to use against Rot Superman since at least three quarters of Batman's projects have to do with putting down Superman if he should ever turn away from justice.

Barbara Gordon leads the Swamp Thing to New Gotham which is, of course, in Arkham Asylum (isn't it always the way in alternate timelines?).

A monster climbs out of the sewers into your refuge and nobody shoots him in the face with a shotgun?

Batman was working on creating a huge batch of Alec Holland's bio-restorative formula. Swamp Thing finishes up Batman's work, making it as aggressive as possible. So now Swamp Thing has a shit-ton of Miracle-Gro to back him up. Swamp Thing also remarks that Batman left a special chemical that the Swamp Thing is going to try to incorporate into the formula. If you've been paying attention to what I've been saying about Batman, you already know what I'm guessing the chemical is: Kryptonite. While Swamp Thing is finalizing Batman's version of his bio-restorative formula, Arkham Asylum comes under attack.

The invasion force includes Giganta, Commissioner Gordon, and, I believe, Clayface.

As Arkham begins to fall, Swamp Thing finishes filling the container beneath the chamber he and Babs are currently in. But it's not just a chamber, Swamp Thing says. So he must be filling a person full of this bio-restorative formula. Plastic Man was my first thought because that would just be so frickin' cool. He's probably Rot-proof, right? But I can't picture Plastic Man being introduced to The New 52 this way. Perhaps Metamorpho since he was a member of Batman, Incorporated? How about I stop guessing and keep reading to find out?!

But before I find out, a quick recap on Abby Arcane in the past: she's failing miserably.

Okay! Back to the action! As Swamp Thing approaches Rot Superman and Rot Suicide Squad and Rot Turds of Prey, he unleashes his secret weapon full of green growing goodness!

Of course it's a Bat-bot! Plastic Man is too full of ADHD to sit in a chamber waiting for someone to pump him full of plant nutrients.

But it's not just a Bat-bot! Swamp Thing also has his Bat-army!

Including Mr. Freeze, Killer Croc, and The Floronic Man (not pictured).

For himself, Swamp Thing strapped Bane's venom delivery device to his back so it could pump the bio-restorative formula directly into him for added strength and, probably, a bit of a kryptonite touch!

And I guess we should check in on Abby Arcane before I wrap this up.

Whoops!

Swamp Thing #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Animal Man's fourth part was simply the heroes getting from Point A to Point B while picking up a new companion and defeating a mediocre enemy, Swamp Thing's fourth part was an epic tale of survival and rebellion. I love the panel with what is essentially the last of the human race charging Rot Superman and his Rot Army with little more than squirt guns filled with plant nutrients. I really hope the end of this crossover lives up to the journey!

Swamp Thing Annual #1

Will the Narration Boxes in this issue be in the voice of Liev Schreiber?

I have two annuals left before I'm done with all of the comic books in my to-read pile. But there's no anticipation for them. I'm not excited to read them at all. And since I'm in no way anticipating a good read from The Swamp Thing annual, might I suggest you just skip reading this commentary and enjoy some Future Retard instead?

This issue begins with an enormous Swamp Thing reacting to the news that Abigail Arcane is dead. The editors decide to drop a note for any regular readers stricken with a moment of What the Fuck?

Hopefully he's super-sized because he just consumed all of the rotten Teen Titans.

This opening scene doesn't have anything to do with the annual's story which is a tale told by the Parliament, full of bullshit and ancient history, signifying I'm out five bucks. This story begins with a very young Alec Holland having been invited to the Carpathian Mountains, Abigail's homeland, for reasons I've yet to read. And then I read the reasons!

The town which has not been named (possibly Latveria?) has absolutely no vegetation due to a soviet nuclear accident of some kind. And since Holland has been getting really good grades in Botany in college, he's been invited over by a Dr. Doom Mr. Arcane to help restore the town. That Arcane! What a philanthropic leader.

Or insane monster.

While Anton Arcane hems his suit, Alec Holland studies the landscape surrounding the castle. After seeing no vegetation at all, he suddenly spies some purple flowers growing in the distance. He heads out to investigate and runs into Abigail Arcane. Alec is no Donald Draper because he doesn't immediately fuck her while they both remain ninety percent clothed. Instead, they flirt innocently enough in the shadow of Anton Arcane's gigantic phallus.

Sorry about spoiling sixty percent of all Mad Men episodes with that Donald Draper line!

Abby decides to give Alec a tour of the still unnamed town Since she calls the flowers Alec finds, "The Flower," I suppose the town is simply called "The Town."

Although it might be called Castle Grayskull.

Alec and Abby tour the town and share some chemistry. Whatever happens in this annual, I'm beginning to suspect it'll set the foundation for the story about how Abby survived the plane crash. Although I'm not sure how much of that stuff matters at this point since, once again, there is no way the year that has passed that killed everyone on Earth is going to remain actual continuity!

So Alec and Abby feel like they've met somewhere before which leads to first base.

Who the hell has she been kissing in this town? Everyone is either really old, really young, or full of radiation sores.

Alec dumps a shitload of Foxglove seeds in the river just outside Grayskull Village. These foxgloves may become important later! After this, he makes a date with Abby for breakfast and then heads back to Castle Von Doom for a chat with Anton Arcane. And after the chat, he'll settle down with a nice cup of being murdered.

Alec studies The Flower and discovers it's just a bunch of rotting organic material that's pretending to be a flower. It also causes memory loss which Abby was complaining about. That's also enough to explain why Abby and Alec never retain this memory of meeting each other. I think I need a few of those flowers so I can forget how much I hate The Ravagers. Maybe then I'll be excited for each new issue! Although I'll be horribly disappointed after each new issue as well. So I'd better make sure I have a lot of The Flowers. Maybe I already have some and I've forgotten where I put them?

Anton Arcane checks in on Alec to make sure he's ready to be killed. He is! So Arcane knocks him out with the Rot Flowers. But one of the Parliament of Trees gives its life to save Alec. It uproots itself from The Green and travels through the Foxglove seeds into Grayskull Village. It grabs Alec and escapes with him although Alec's mind has already been fogged up by the Rot Flower. The Parliamentary Swamp Thing manages to deliver Alec to Jason Woodrue so that Woodrue can transport him back to Louisiana. In exchange for his service to The Green, Woodrue will be rewarded. I think he'll be turned into the Floronic Man or something crazy like that.

And that's the end of that story. Which leads to the end of the main story.

Hopefully you just took my earlier advice and read Future Retard.

Swamp Thing Annual #1 Rating: Forgetful. Ha ha! That was a play on words. What it actually was was kind of cute and funny. Not much horror in cute and funny though. No wonder Alec Holland was allowed to forget it. This is a horror comic, not a teen romance.

Swamp Thing #13

Shouldn't Deadman be some kind of harbinger of The Rot? Or is there a spirit realm called The Silver or The Gold?

Swampy's turn to realize just how badly he and Buddy Baker fucked up by being lured into The Rot's Dungeon of Doom for just a few minutes. The Earth has been destroyed by The Rot and only a small oasis known as The Red Kingdom survives. Since this comic book is called "The Green Kingdom," I should probably update that statement to say two small oases survive. But I don't know that for sure yet! Maybe The Green Kingdom refers to Poison Ivy's womb. Or Deadman's anus. Why not? Look at Swamp Thing's look on the cover! That's a "You've got to be joking" look if I ever saw one.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy looking super fantastic.

Deadman is also looking at his best here. I've become a huge fan of Yanick Paquette on this title.

I don't know why Deadman is traveling with Poison Ivy. Perhaps Justice League Dark are some of the few people to have survived in Rotworld so they're splitting their members amongst the remaining bands of survivors. Constantine and Black Orchid with The Red and Deadman and Zatanna hanging out with The Green.

During his interrogation, Swamp Thing learns that a full year has passed since entering The Rot and that the world has become one gigantic pile of cancerous shit. Deadman and Ivy are as amazed as Steel, Black Orchid, and Beast Boy that Alec Holland and Buddy Baker still live. But it's too late to do anything, right? Better just to let Abby Arcane fix things in real time.

One year earlier, Abigail Arcane is also looking super fantastic.

The most attractive thing about her is that she just looks so fucking comfortable in those clothes.

While Abby's lost in thoughts of the home of her youth, black ooze streams out of the airplane's restroom and enters into an old man. Isn't that the opposite of how that usually goes?

In Rotworld, bathrooms foul you! Ah ha ha ha!

Back in Rotworld, Swamp Thing makes his way to The Green Kingdom hidden above the Earth at the top of a large stalk. The Parliament of Trees still live and they explain how Anton destroyed the world while Swamp Thing and Animal Man were away. Only beings with a connection to The Red or The Green could be saved. And maybe a few exceptions like Steel who made himself into a robot to avoid rotting and John Constantine who can't be killed due to some deal he made when saving himself from lung cancer. Or just because he's simply too cool to kill.

I like how Rotworld is giving the reader glimpses of other DC Characters that have yet to make an appearance in The New 52. Even if they're dead like Giganta here.

Swamp Thing asks about Abby Arcane but before the Parliament can answer (unless silence is their answer), a rumble shakes The Green. The bottom of the stalk is being attacked. Poison Ivy, Deadman, and their army of fake Swamp Things head down to defend. The Rot has sent some of its transformed heroes to do the job. But this time the real Swamp Thing is here to beat them back.

Rotworld has to be some kind of alternate timeline because Red Robin doesn't look anything like Harvest here!

During the fight, Swamp Thing takes off Kid Flash's head and Poison Ivy throws a wooden sword through Red Robin's face. But since they're Rotten versions of themselves, I don't think those wounds matter. I'm still not sure how anyone is supposed to destroy The Rot! Perhaps compost it and use it as nutrients for creatures of The Red and The Green? I think the only way to kill The Rot is to eat it! Oh, unless you're an Agent of SHADE. Then you have some kind of organic destroying mega bomb. That seemed to work.

During the battle (which will apparently conclude in Issue #14 as Swamp Thing faces off against Rotten Superboy), the Parliament of Trees discuss whether they should tell Alec what happened to Abby one year ago. They believe she died trying to return home to stop The Rot before the war could even start. But The Rot took over everyone on the plane she was on. And since The Rot began in Europe, this must be the moment Anton Arcane's war began. But did Abby really die? Yeah, probably not.

I have a feeling Anton Arcane's real trap was not having time advance by one year but the creation of this Rotworld simulation that is meant to distract Buddy and Alec from helping out in the real world. He's playing mind games with them by making them believe even their loved ones have died. But in the meantime, their loved ones are fighting to stop the world from falling apart. They'll probably need to enter Rotworld themselves at some point to pull Buddy and Alec out of it so that Buddy and Alec can save the world. Part of that will be Ellen tracking down Frankenstein so that he can help them enter Rotworld because Justice League Dark mentioned she would have to find the Green One and they didn't mean Swamp Thing. I think Abby will be able to get into Rotworld on her own since she was meant to be their Avatar anyway.

Swamp Thing #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thankfully, Rotworld is off to a really good start. One year into The New 52 and I've had it with continuity and world building! Let these writers and their stories off the leash! The thing I like so far about Rotworld is that anything can happen here. Fuck you, Jonni DC! Snyder and Lemire are gonna fuck some shit up. And then we'll find it's all a dream or a simulation or a hallucination. But that's okay. I'm just here for the shit that's going to get fucked up.