Star Spangled War Stories #3

That zombie in overalls has the worst super power ever: Reverse Star Bolts.

Holy Christ Inside A Communion Cracker! I missed such a great opportunity to write this commentary on Veteran's Day! I scanned the cover and wrote the stupid caption on Veteran's Day but then I got distracted by easier things like lying on the couch and watching television with the space heater cuddling me in its warm ejaculate. Plus I had to work last night in a wind storm which was cold as a twitch's wit. Also, I don't really acknowledge Veteran's Day. Who do those soldiers think they are? Some kind of big shots or something? Maybe I should write a poem about soldiers before I'm called unpatriotic and also called an ungrateful, dickless, communistic freeloader. I've been called that before and it really stings! So mean!

Veteran's Day: My Poem

Sometimes it's really good to pretend to care about something.
Loudly and exuberantly! Especially in a public place.
Because Veteran's Day isn't just about celebrating those that would give their lives for somebody else.
(Even if it's for corporate reasons that will result in a boatload (a literal one, probably!) of cash)
Veteran's Day is about each and every one of us. But especially the one of us that is me.
Because it's when I can stand up and say, "I'm the biggest fucking patriot in the room.
And you'd better not fucking forget it, you long haired hippie fuck!"
Oh, and don't mention gray ideas during this day because just shut up, asshole.
Also do not be a conscientious objector for any reason, at least not on this day.
Because nobody wants to hear how not supporting war is the biggest support of veterans there is.
At least not today. So just shut up already, you asshole.
This isn't about you!
Freedom isn't free.

Goddammit! I fucked up my poem! I didn't use the word "hero" in it at all! Bah! Now it's worthless as a Veteran's Day poem. Everybody is right! I'm a useless, pathetic, atheist monster! I wonder if Hallmark sells a card for that?

They weren't hillbilly gunrunners. They were biker gunrunners. Get your American stereotypes straight, GI Zombie!

The animal hospital GI Zombie crashes into has a frog in it. Do people take their sick frogs to the vet? How do you tell when a frog is sick? How do you tell when any reptile is sick?! Um, I mean amphibian!

Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "Oh my gosh! Clemens isn't feeling well! He's hardly not cuddling at all!"
Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "Oh! Just listen to his noise he makes constantly! It's not quite as noisy or constant as usual! He must...hee hee hee...have a human in his throat!"
Frog: "BRRRRT!"
Frog Owner: "No, wait. He seems okay. Throw some flies or some shit in there and grab the frisbee. Let's go play with Senator Constance Churchlover, the greatest Labradoodle to ever live! See you later...what was your name? Oh yeah! See you later, Clemens, you stupid frog."
Frog: "BRRRRT!"

Any love you feel from your amphibian or reptile is simply a projection of your own insatiable desire for a substitute for your mother's inadequate love. Your constrictor is not hugging you for the reasons you think it is. Although, when you're so starved for human contact, who really cares the reason for a nice chillingly cold hug, amirite?

Does nobody in this comic book know the difference between a hillbilly and a biker?

The missile GI Zombie rode into Sutterville, Tennessee, carried a biological weapon which turns everything into zombies. That's the best kind of biological payload because it can turn your comic book into a smash independent hit which will eventually make you thousands and thousands of dollars in a television deal!

Ahh! Zombie cats! That's the worst kind of threat because they don't have to chase you down. They just lick their butts until you walk up and say, "Aww! How cute! Kitty wanna head scratchy?" And then you bend down and the cat turns on you, hissing and spitting and biting you! Then it runs away like a crazy person and you're left thinking, "Fucking cat! Acting all normal and the way cats act! I probably don't need to worry about this bite." And then you're a zombie! Zombie cats would take over the world in no time.

The carrier of the biological weapon becomes brain dead when infected. So how can you tell if a dog is infected? Ha ha! Dogs are stupid!

I've never been a huge fan of dogs. I don't mind them on occasion in small chunks of time, if they're calm. But I think I really wouldn't mind making friends with an Australian Shepherd. I'd take it to the dog park where I'd teach it to pick on the other dogs for being so incredibly stupid and loyal to idiots. I'd stand around smoking a big fat cigar while other dog owners would come up to me and ask, "What is your dog doing?" We'd watch as my friend made a series of head movements and signs with his paws which look like pointing right in the other dog's face. Then I'd chew on my cigar a bit, move it to the corner of my mouth so I could talk around it, and say, "He just called your dog a fucking moron. HA!"

GI Zombie goes around town like an asshole killing animals. If that's the price of freedom, it's too fucking high! I suppose I'd need some veterans on hand to save my life in this situation because I couldn't shoot a fucking cat and I'd probably, eventually, get too upset to kill any more dogs. I suppose I could take the job of shooting the humans while somebody else takes the animals. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

The issue ends with GI Zombie being overrun by Civilian Zombies. What a bunch of assholes! Don't they know yesterday was Veteran's Day?! Have some respect!

Star Spangled War Stories #3 Rating: No change. Three issues in and not one war story, star spangled or otherwise! I suppose, if you're a didactic asshole, you could argue that GI Zombie battling zombies for the fate of America is a war. But if you did argue that, I'd have to ban you from reading my blog for disagreeing with me.

Justice League Dark #35

How do you graft the arm of a ghost onto an Englishman? That wasn't a riddle.

Although this might be a riddle: Who can graft the arm of a plant elemental onto a ghost? A Boo-tanical Engineer! Ah ha ha ha ha!

When I last left Justice League Dark, they were swirling into a mysterious vortex caused when the House of Wonders separated back into its component parts (you know, the Houses of Mystery and Secrets!). I know these things because I read Justice League Dark Annual #2 first, as opposed to people who read this comic book when it came out and were forced to say, "What the fuck is going on?!"

This issue is called "Long Before Yesteday" and it's part one of "The Amber of the Moment." Neither of those titles help me figure out where the vortex leads. Probably some sort of crappy time travel story.

The entire team is split up because that makes things more exciting! Zatanna winds up in a version of Wonderland that completely sucks because it has giant green pigs spouting poetry. Nobody likes to hear people spout poetry unless they're at a spoken word poetry slam type of event. And even then, some people simply wandered in for some coffee and don't want to hear poetry shouted at them. I shouldn't be saying this since I have a poetry book that I'm going to be selling on this site as soon as I get it put together, but poetry is boring and stupid! Everything can be poetry if you put the right inflection into it!

That doesn't look like a pig at all! At least it's green.

Zatanna is saved by a younger, more alive version of her father, Zatara. She can't figure out why he's alive as she listens to his voice and remembers how he used to read stories to her. The answer is right there in your thoughts, Zatanna! You're in some kind of mystic world created from your memories. Which is why you were attacked by a Mome Rath which came across Zarathustra's Wall and were saved by your father Zatara! Also, the Mome Rath rhymes a lot like Etrigan, right? Although, Etrigan rhymes a lot like a lot of other demons that think rhyming two words together is the height of talent and creativity. Rhyming is fucking easy! Watch:

Box and Claws!

Fuck! Forget rhyming. Poetry that doesn't rhyme is so much better!

That last sentence was a poem! I call it "A Hater's Haiku!" Can you title a haiku or does that add to the syllable count? Oh, who cares? I hate non-Japanese language haikus anyway. They sound much better in Japanese when every syllable is practically the exact same length.

I can't wait until Madame Xanadu's chapter of this story because I have a haiku for her!

"Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt."

I especially like how that haiku takes a turn in the last line.

The magic carpet is from Dungeons and Dragons and flying into an open second story window to kidnap children is from Peter Pan.

The next morning, Zatanna discovers that her mother and a five year old version of herself also live in this place. Zatara tells her they're six billion years in the past but that's just stupid. How can they be eating walnut pancakes before the recipe for walnut pancakes even exists?! Ridiculous.

Zatanna learns that this place is pure magic and any thought can be made reality. That's when she realizes only her father is truly there and he's made up the rest of the family. Or did she make up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make herself making up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make up herself making up...oh, never mind! The Mome Raths are attacking! Worse yet, they're spouting poetry!

The "mome" in Mome Rath means "from home!" Meaning they've lost their way! Or so Humpty Dumpty would assert. And he has like tons of college degrees or something, so he's worth listening to. Anyway, that probably means something! The fact that these creatures are called from home green pigs!

Once again, Zatanna almost realizes that all of this is being created from her memories when she pictures the younger version of herself drawing a picture of her and her father on magic carpets battling Mome Raths. No wonder the Mome Raths don't look anything like they should. Zatanna was just a stupid kid when she first had Looking Glass read to her.

He doesn't have to go. He probably just wants to go.

While Zatanna cries and destroys the rest of the world, Frank, Ada, Andrew, and Alec walk around a barren landscape at THE END OF THE WORLD! But that will have to wait until next issue.

Justice League Dark #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally a good issue of Justice League Dark! This was kind of like an episode of Lost. I have no idea where Zatanna is or what's going on but there was a good flashback story dealing with her life and her relationship with her father.

Justice League Dark Annual #2

Deadman, you're the worst ghost ever.

One good thing about being a couple of weeks behind on my comic book reading is that when I open up a comic book and the first page says, "See next week's Annual if you want to understand this comic book that we published a week before the story that comes first," I can actually put that stupid book down and pick up the Annual.

The issue begins with Zatanna and Constantine on a date in Paris. I know it's Paris because the establishing shot shows the Eiffel Tower. Since it's harder to get across "urine soaked metro station" in a picture, the artist always goes for the Eiffel Tower to help orient readers. You can also tell where the story begins because the Location Box states "Paris, France...". But since I don't know how to interpret the ellipsis at the end of the name of the location, my brain discarded it immediately. Also, John is pouring some wine and you only drink wine if you're in Paris and it's night. If it were day, they would be drinking coffee and trying to eat baguettes without battering each other in the eye.

I think this might be an alternate Earth as well because John and Zee are getting along.

Oh no. This is the correct Earth.

Why do you even bother, John? Just leave Justice League Dark and Zatanna alone already. You're always much better off on your own with your close knit cast of mortal characters whom you can sacrifice at the drop of a dangerous situation.

Constantine wakes up in a crazy house after thinking he was going to get lucky with Zee. Hopefully it's the House of Secrets and it's revealing to John one of his secrets that he keeps denying: Zatanna doesn't fucking love you.

While Constantine has suddenly found himself in the House of Secrets (a much more fitting house for John), Zatanna, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and the Nightmare Nurse have been transported back to the House of Mystery. I probably should mention that this Annual is called "War of the Houses," so I guess the Houses retain some of the sibling rivalry between Cain and Abel, their original owners.

The House of Secrets appears to John as a woman while the House of Mystery appears to Justice League Dark as a man. I like my houses of secrets and mysteries to be less sentient.

Sibling rivalry after all. Just between the New 52, non-religious versions of Cain and Abel? It's a weird choice since DC has never shied away from using Judeo-Christian characters and places in their comics. Maybe Cain and Abel just have too goofy of a history with DC.

Speaking of goofy, I feel like I've lost touch with my goofy. I'm sure it will return but until then, enjoy my stagnant and boring comic book commentaries that mainly exist to allow me to remember what's been happening in each book, month after month.

Ha ha! John fucked a house! How do you fuck a house? Shoot your semen into one of its drain-shaped orifices or allow it to massage you to orgasm with a steady flow of water from a bathtub spout? Oh, hmm. I bet we've all fucked a house!

The House of Secrets calls in its army which consists of Constantine, Andrew Bennett, Frankenstein, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu. Aside from that cunt Madame Xanadu, that's a pretty solid group!

I couldn't remember what I used to call Madame Xanadu instead of cunt but which I always meant as cunt, so I just went back to calling her a cunt. It's a long running, extremely important tradition to this blog and if you don't like it, fuck off. Or convince me that she isn't a cunt. Maybe I'll change my mind. But I know if I had a relative in my life that was always asking me for favors and telling me that if I didn't do that particular favor, the whole fucking world would end, I'd constantly refer to that relative as "that cunt." Why does the House of Secrets need her, anyway? All she can do is pretend to see the future! But the future she pretends to see never comes true, so why do people keep believing she can see the future? She has a zero percent success rate! Sure, she chalks it up to the future changing thanks to all the favors people have done for her, but that sounds more like manipulation! People need to stop listening to her!

Plus, that cunt broke Etrigan's heart!

Can't stomach a dose of your own medicine, Xanadu?

Both houses have an army and now it's time for them to go to war! This should be tremendously exciting! A huge war of DC's biggest and baddest mystical characters on the battlefield of all space and time! I bet there will be armies of Japanese Warriors battling cults of Celtic Druids from planet to planet! Romans versus Nazis versus Incas versus Thanagarians! Crazy, mystical magical spells that will summon demons and devils and angels! Other worldly gods will come to watch the battle! Pages and pages of the most exciting panels yet of The New 52! Holy shit, I can't wait!

Fuck. That's it? Houses blasting each other? Goddamn it.

Forget the house battle in space. I feel fucking liberated after calling Madame Xanadu a cunt! I've been shackled for too long by the comments of Natalie Whatsername! Who knew I was self-censoring because of a single person that decided she was speaking for all people everywhere? You know who you weren't speaking for, Natalie? Me! So suck it because...well, I don't know what because. It's just a stupid word! Also, I was offended by your words so you should apologize to me even if you didn't mean to be offensive because something about stepping on toes or something stupid. How dare you!

You've got your Houses mixed up, John.

I suppose it doesn't matter which House is which at this point since they're working together against the magical heroes. They've used them to create an enchantment that will allow them to...um...ew.

The House of Incest!

Goddammit, Madame Xanadu! You had one job! ONE FUCKING JOB! To see the future and make sure, if it were a bad one, to keep it from coming true! How did you not see that these houses wanted to fuck and become The House of Wonders? Sexy, sexy wonders.

The House of Wonders plants itself on Earth and enslaves everybody! Why? Because that's what Viruses do! And the siblings in control of the houses are actually some kind of virus that needed John and Zatanna's lust and hate for each other to fuel the viruses replication. I don't know what it's going to do with Earth now that it has it though. Replicate some more until Earth is ready to merge with Venus? Or Mars?

Madame Xanadu comes up with a plan to cut the House of Wonders' source of power: destroy the love between Zatanna and Constantine. Shit. That's a great fucking plan, Xanadu! Only a right, true cunt would come up with that one! I may get turned around on you if you keep coming up with brilliant plans like this! I've been waiting for Constantine to just fucking stop with this lovesick puppy business and, finally, it's going to happen! The way the spell works is that Constantine forgets that he ever loved Zatanna but Zatanna gets to keep remembering that she loved Constantine. So it's a fairly typical male/female breakup then?

After the spell is cast, Constantine winds up back on Earth, the House of Wonders is destroyed, and the rest of Justice League Dark falls into the vortex that they were in when I opened up Justice League Dark #35. So now I can read that issue and feel comfortable that I'm not missing anything!

Justice League Dark Annual #2 Rating: This was the most important issue of Justice League Dark since The New 52 began! Constantine's connection with Zatanna and the House of Mystery and Justice League Dark just never really fit the entire concept. You can't give Constantine too much to care about or he loses the essential bit that makes him Constantine. I know this comic book constantly tried to remind the reader that John was doing his noble shit just to help save Zatanna and not the world. But even that was too much! Constantine should have been simply concerned with saving himself! I suppose it's okay for him to make connections with other people here and there. But not important characters like Zatanna that you know will never be killed! Where's the tension in that?

Harley Quinn #11

For Halloween this year, I went as a grief stricken ball of tears and snot!

I have an idea for a new project but since I'm too busy with being lazy and thinking up new places to nap around the house, I'm going to sell it to one of you! I'll give you the idea here but you have to promise not to steal it and instead pay me fifty bucks when you use it. Here it is: a parody novel of Mark Z. Danielewski's Only Revolutions but in the voices of 90s Lobo and B:TAS Harley Quinn. And, of course it goes with having to be said because you'll probably fuck up the entire project, the historical references will all be lifted from DC comic book plots. You'll have to figure out what the theme is though because I won't spoil Danielewski's book for those that haven't read it yet. It's not some Holy Trinity thing like his first book, Why Do People Keep Leaving Me?. Only Revolutions is more like two halves of the brain trying to fuck into some semblance of individuality. Unless it's more about crazy love. Or maybe celestial bodies trying to bang? Seasonal affective disorder? I mean, I know what it is! I'm just, um, speculating to help you get in the right frame of mind before reading it! You should send me your thoughts on what that book is about so I can tell you if you're right or wrong!

Last issue Power Girl arrived because this comic book needed a guest star so readers wouldn't forget that it's part of DC Continuity and not just a story about a crazy murderer living with a tiny version of Danzig (tinier version, I mean!) and a boy that's a goat and a bunch of wax statues of murderers.

Holy crap! I don't know how old Madame Macabre is but she is fit!

Tinier Danzig and Mason Macabre head to the beach to help Harley Quinn pull Power Girl out of a crater.

And yet Mike-hole in his wheelchair was able to drag Supergirl down to the basement of his building all by himself? I know Kara has smaller boobs but that can't make much difference. I think that fucking shit-tipped-dick Mike-hole isn't being honest about who he really is! Probably a horrible super villain!

They drag Power Girl back to Madame Macabre's House of Lost Souls Paying Cheap Rent and, probably, pop out one of her boobs to take a picture to sell to TMZ. Or to just have on file to use against Power Girl when she's waving her heroism at Harley and Harley isn't in any mood to get beat down or put in jail. Although Power Girl isn't the type of woman to give a shit about people seeing her naked, so she probably wouldn't care who saw the photo. Oh, she'd definitely turn Harley into a piece of crackling with her heat vision simply for threatening her. But she wouldn't care about the nip slip photo.

Anyway, Harley doesn't seem the type that would do something that shitty. Sure, she kills jerks willy-nilly and feeds them to her dogs. She launches bags of shit across the city on a gigantic catapult on the roof. She puts hits out on herself when she's drunk. But she's not the type to fuck with an unconscious woman's body, no matter how curious she might be about the size of Power Girl's nipples and how they never seem to pop into the boob window.

I bet they couldn't even budge the material on Power Girl's suit. It has to be strong enough to withstand simply flexing her muscles and to keep her super dense boobs from flopping all over the place.

Power Girl wakes up long enough to let Harley Quinn know that she's lost her memory. Which means Harley Quinn gets to mold Power Girl into whatever personality she likes! And the personality she likes is "sidekick."

Once she regains her memory, Power Girl should keep the eye shadow.

Harley tells Power Girl her secret identity is Betty Burns, strongwoman in the freak show. This gives Power Girl an excuse to call Lois Lane a moron.

Sure, this is Making Fun of Secret Identities 101. But it's super adorable, right?

Harley and Power Girl go shopping because Betty Burns is going to need some secret identity clothes. I wonder when The Huntress is going to appear to ruin all of the fun?

After shopping, they go out to eat in the food court and I think Harley is about to ask Power Girl for oral sex when some guy begins shooting up the food court.

This is closer to how I've always imagined Sportsmaster than the way DC has always managed to portray him. And if that's The Clock King, this comic book must take place on a different world than the Green Arrow comic book!

Harley Quinn #11 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is what Harley Quinn should do with her comic book. Turn it into a Brave and the Bold or a DC Comics Presents format where Harley teams up with a new super hero or super villain every month. She's at her best when she gets to fuck around with well established characters ripe for parody. Tinier Danzig and Sy Borgman have been getting too much panel time in this comic book! I want super friends gracing every page of this thing!

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

Deadman
The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

Sinestro
With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

Aquaman #35

With "King--no more?" ending in a question mark, I would have gone with the ellipsis as my choice of punctuation. I think the em dash calls for an exclamation point.

I just had a really stupid idea! I'm going to dust off my Inform skills and make tiny text adventures for each title of The New 52! And when I say tiny, I mean super duper tiny! Like one fucking puzzle and it's done! That may sound like it won't be too much work but then I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to writing text adventure games. I tend towards the "make sure every response has an answer no matter how ridiculous" school of thought rather than the "a standard 'I don't know what the fuck you're talking about' response" is good enough. I figure Inform is easily accessible although I still like programming in TADS better. And I know I can implement TADS to be easily played in a browser window. Maybe I'll super dust off my TADS skills and just use that!

Christ, what am I saying?! I haven't used TADS in nearly ten years! Forget I mentioned it! Like I said, it was a stupid idea! Although one that intrigues me enough that I'm only saying forget I mentioned it so that you won't be disappointed when I never get around to it even though it's quite possible I will. You know, someday.

My Aquaman adventure would probably revolve around Aquaman stopping everybody from eating things because Aquaman has a serious issue with sustenance.

This issue begins with Aquman inviting the beaver into the hornets' nest. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea what language my brain is translating the idioms which it comes up with. I thought about changing the ending of that sentence to "with which it comes up" but since "up" is also a preposition, why should I fucking bother?!

Is he "granting a visa" or "putting him on house arrest?" Claymato, Clawmato.

Arthur wants Dr. Shin to come to Atlantis to deconstruct its history. When Arthur mindmelded with Chimera last issue, he realized that Atlantis is based on lies. Maybe. It's also possible it's just based on writer after writer retconning the whole fucking shebang every seven years or so. Things are going to get a little confusing after a few decades.

Doctor Evans is also being brought to Atlantis because why not bring along some hack archaeologist thief that thinks science is coming up with theories with no supporting evidence and then believing they must be true because why else would a scientist have come up with that theory? Another belief he's held: if a hole in an ancient rock is trident-shaped, stick a trident in it!

Atlanteans ride Dickdodons?! Or, as science so wrongfully refers to them, Plesiosaurs.

If Atlanteans ride Plesiosaurs, I suppose that means Aquaman will soon be discovering a mini-Atlantis out in Loch Ness? Probably the secret headquarters of some vile arch-nemesis that he doesn't yet know he has?

Aquaman takes the Underrealmers, the rebels who tried to kill Mera a few issues ago, out of prison and exiles them to a chasm in Antarctica. They're now free to build their own kingdom where they can hate whomever they want for whatever reason they want to hate them. It sounds like paradise! It also sounds like trouble in thirty or forty issues once the colony has become strong enough to be the antagonist of an exciting six issue war against Atlantis.

I think of Dr. Shin as more of a "fremesis" than a "frenemy."

The land scientists discover that Atlantis is full of souls. That's something the water scientists couldn't figure out on their own because they believe in science and not hoodoo. Good thing Dr. Evans was on this team or this discovery could never have been made up! They determine that it's these souls that fill every inch of Atlantis that are shaking Atlantis apart because they think Aquaman is a greedy surface land grabber and Mera is his whore consort. Also, they don't recognize his royalty. Evans believes that doesn't make any sense because shouldn't Aquaman's mother's soul have told the other Atlantean souls that Arthur is her baby? Shouldn't they be pleased with Arthur on the throne?

To solve the mystery, Arthur exhumes his mother's corpse which is a simple matter of swimming out to an unguarded sarcophagus and pushing back the lid. The only problem is the sarcophagus is empty! Which can only mean one thing! Atlanna was eaten by an octopus? They can, like, remove jar lids and stuff, you know? No wait! The only conclusion is that...SHE WAS NEVER KILLED! Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

Aquaman #35 Rating: No change. I can't believe Aquaman let everyone eat their meals undisturbed this issue. He's getting soft.

Red Lanterns #35

Hepburn's Guy Gardner has become my favorite version of Guy Gardner after just two covers (this one and the Futures End cover).

Futures End: Red Lanterns #1 was possibly the best Futures End book I read. I still have eight or nine more to go but since none of them are written by Charles Soule, I'll assume none of them will be as good as Red Lanterns was. It's crazy to think that Charles Soule has only recently entered the ring at the Big Two Comic Book companies and he shot right to the top of DC's best writers. I think that says a lot about DC's hiring policy. How about doing whatever you can to attract great writers so that your beloved characters stay interesting and, well, beloved? I understand it must be attractive to hire somebody like Scott Lobdell whom you don't have to worry about because he always makes his deadlines. But if that's all he has going for him (and, believe me, that's all he has going for him), I'm fairly certain you can find dozens of people that can make deadlines who also write better than Lobdell.

But you know what? I'm not in the comic book business! I'll stop backseat quarterbacking your business decisions and just fume silently behind the scenes as you continue to write checks to Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell instead of seeking out talented writers. Who am I, anyway? Just a venomous little troll whose opinions don't matter because I put them on the internet for free, right? I mean, according to just about every comic book writer who decides to throw a tantrum by putting dialogue in their comics lambasting critics and pointing out how lazy and worthless critics are whenever their work is criticized. So I'll just climb back into my hole and continue to live my worthless life that's obviously worthless because I haven't pursued a life that is identical to the life you pursued therefore indicating that I'm a complete and utter failure and not worthy enough to have any kind of opinion that matters at all.

What do we call this ship? Guyce? Gardotter? I need to know for reasons.

I'm not exactly clear on what was happening to the Red Lanterns at the end of the last issue. I think Guy was giving up the ring while Rankorr and Bleez take over? Except Guy can't leave the team because then this book will be incredibly boring. Maybe the entire book is just going to be about Guy and Tora dating. I'd enjoy that.

Tora seems to believe...no, she knows that Guy only wanted to take this particular vacation in Dubai so he could keep an eye on Qurac just across the sea. Or river. Or ocean. Or imaginary body of water that borders the imaginary supremely terrorist nation of Qurac. It's always nice in comic books to have at least one nation that you always know is up to no good. Who needs complexity in comic books, right? Just tell me who is good and who is bad so that I know who to root for without weird thoughts creeping into the corners of my mind, such as "What if America didn't have so many sanctions against Qurac?" or "It's not the people of Qurac's fault that their leader is a megalomaniac looking to become a super powered monster!" or "How do we now the terrorist group known simply as The Jihad isn't really a revolutionary group trying to wake up a sleeping world to horrors which their so-called freedom loving leaders have committed?!" It's so relaxing to just be able to read the word "Qurac" and think, "Those fucking bastards! Get 'em, Guy!"

Fucking dick! You're going down, you monster!

Guy Gardner appears and vomits all over Shahkavat's face. That's, most likely, a huge breach of etiquette in Qurac. Also the destroying the great leader's statue part. Most shameful display of manners, that.

Ice is probably going to be pretty peeved that Guy has put the ring back on. She might also be a little bit hurt that Guy has chosen the ring and the rage over her friendship and love. She's kind of overly dramatic that way. I hope Ice gets so mad at Guy choosing this ring over her that she gets a red ring as well! And they all lived happily ever after and covered in burning vomit.

Oh. I guess Guy has not chosen the rage or the ring. He's chosen the loss of hope.

Before Guy can commit suicide by super powered terrorist leader, a new group of New Gods BOOM Tubes into the middle of the battle. I don't know who they are but they look like New God Lanterns. Did I miss a chapter or something? They call themselves The Wheel and are named Malhedron, Kor, Rad, and Dia. So is Rad like the radius of The Wheel and Dia is the diameter of The Wheel and Malhedron is the, uh, bad shape of The Wheel and Kor is the, um, uh, chord of The Wheel?

The Wheel have come to relieve Gardner of his ring because that was one of the plot points of Godhead that I'd already forgotten. Highfather thinks the rings are too powerful to be left in the hands of mortals. Guy doesn't put up much of a fight since his whole reason for visiting Qurac was to end his life.

Simon Baz arrives on the scene to save Guy's life which, I guess, Guy actually wanted saved. Guy's never been the type to give up. He just came to Qurac to get out some of his frustrations with the shit that the universe keeps dumping on his head. Also, Tora probably got fed up with him fingering the ring and not the thing he should have been fingering, so she went back home.

Oh, you probably don't know who Simon Baz is! See, he's this guy who became a Green Lantern but then never really got a shot to do anything as a Green Lantern because nobody at DC really seemed to give a shit about him? Although I kind of liked him and think he has some potential, especially to star in a Green Lantern comic based on Earth that ignores every fucking cosmic crisis that comes along every few weeks. He can just stop bank robberies and all that boring stuff that Hal Jordan used to deal with so long ago. Also, he carries a gun. Sometimes.

Simon Baz explains the current Cosmic Crisis to Guy.

Guy and Simon get their asses handed to them in about one panel. But The Wheel are called back to New Genesis for more pressing concerns because deus ex machina. That leaves Guy and Simon with some crucial information about the New Gods: they're from New Genesis. I don't know if anybody else had that information yet. Probably. Anyway, now Guy and Simon have a reason to join the gigantic cosmic fray.

Red Lanterns #35 Rating: No change. What happened to Tora? Was she just visiting for the day? Why can't this comic book be about her and Guy instead of about Guy and his anger issues?! More Tora, DC! Pronto!