Red Lanterns #35

Hepburn's Guy Gardner has become my favorite version of Guy Gardner after just two covers (this one and the Futures End cover).

Futures End: Red Lanterns #1 was possibly the best Futures End book I read. I still have eight or nine more to go but since none of them are written by Charles Soule, I'll assume none of them will be as good as Red Lanterns was. It's crazy to think that Charles Soule has only recently entered the ring at the Big Two Comic Book companies and he shot right to the top of DC's best writers. I think that says a lot about DC's hiring policy. How about doing whatever you can to attract great writers so that your beloved characters stay interesting and, well, beloved? I understand it must be attractive to hire somebody like Scott Lobdell whom you don't have to worry about because he always makes his deadlines. But if that's all he has going for him (and, believe me, that's all he has going for him), I'm fairly certain you can find dozens of people that can make deadlines who also write better than Lobdell.

But you know what? I'm not in the comic book business! I'll stop backseat quarterbacking your business decisions and just fume silently behind the scenes as you continue to write checks to Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell instead of seeking out talented writers. Who am I, anyway? Just a venomous little troll whose opinions don't matter because I put them on the internet for free, right? I mean, according to just about every comic book writer who decides to throw a tantrum by putting dialogue in their comics lambasting critics and pointing out how lazy and worthless critics are whenever their work is criticized. So I'll just climb back into my hole and continue to live my worthless life that's obviously worthless because I haven't pursued a life that is identical to the life you pursued therefore indicating that I'm a complete and utter failure and not worthy enough to have any kind of opinion that matters at all.

What do we call this ship? Guyce? Gardotter? I need to know for reasons.

I'm not exactly clear on what was happening to the Red Lanterns at the end of the last issue. I think Guy was giving up the ring while Rankorr and Bleez take over? Except Guy can't leave the team because then this book will be incredibly boring. Maybe the entire book is just going to be about Guy and Tora dating. I'd enjoy that.

Tora seems to believe...no, she knows that Guy only wanted to take this particular vacation in Dubai so he could keep an eye on Qurac just across the sea. Or river. Or ocean. Or imaginary body of water that borders the imaginary supremely terrorist nation of Qurac. It's always nice in comic books to have at least one nation that you always know is up to no good. Who needs complexity in comic books, right? Just tell me who is good and who is bad so that I know who to root for without weird thoughts creeping into the corners of my mind, such as "What if America didn't have so many sanctions against Qurac?" or "It's not the people of Qurac's fault that their leader is a megalomaniac looking to become a super powered monster!" or "How do we now the terrorist group known simply as The Jihad isn't really a revolutionary group trying to wake up a sleeping world to horrors which their so-called freedom loving leaders have committed?!" It's so relaxing to just be able to read the word "Qurac" and think, "Those fucking bastards! Get 'em, Guy!"

Fucking dick! You're going down, you monster!

Guy Gardner appears and vomits all over Shahkavat's face. That's, most likely, a huge breach of etiquette in Qurac. Also the destroying the great leader's statue part. Most shameful display of manners, that.

Ice is probably going to be pretty peeved that Guy has put the ring back on. She might also be a little bit hurt that Guy has chosen the ring and the rage over her friendship and love. She's kind of overly dramatic that way. I hope Ice gets so mad at Guy choosing this ring over her that she gets a red ring as well! And they all lived happily ever after and covered in burning vomit.

Oh. I guess Guy has not chosen the rage or the ring. He's chosen the loss of hope.

Before Guy can commit suicide by super powered terrorist leader, a new group of New Gods BOOM Tubes into the middle of the battle. I don't know who they are but they look like New God Lanterns. Did I miss a chapter or something? They call themselves The Wheel and are named Malhedron, Kor, Rad, and Dia. So is Rad like the radius of The Wheel and Dia is the diameter of The Wheel and Malhedron is the, uh, bad shape of The Wheel and Kor is the, um, uh, chord of The Wheel?

The Wheel have come to relieve Gardner of his ring because that was one of the plot points of Godhead that I'd already forgotten. Highfather thinks the rings are too powerful to be left in the hands of mortals. Guy doesn't put up much of a fight since his whole reason for visiting Qurac was to end his life.

Simon Baz arrives on the scene to save Guy's life which, I guess, Guy actually wanted saved. Guy's never been the type to give up. He just came to Qurac to get out some of his frustrations with the shit that the universe keeps dumping on his head. Also, Tora probably got fed up with him fingering the ring and not the thing he should have been fingering, so she went back home.

Oh, you probably don't know who Simon Baz is! See, he's this guy who became a Green Lantern but then never really got a shot to do anything as a Green Lantern because nobody at DC really seemed to give a shit about him? Although I kind of liked him and think he has some potential, especially to star in a Green Lantern comic based on Earth that ignores every fucking cosmic crisis that comes along every few weeks. He can just stop bank robberies and all that boring stuff that Hal Jordan used to deal with so long ago. Also, he carries a gun. Sometimes.

Simon Baz explains the current Cosmic Crisis to Guy.

Guy and Simon get their asses handed to them in about one panel. But The Wheel are called back to New Genesis for more pressing concerns because deus ex machina. That leaves Guy and Simon with some crucial information about the New Gods: they're from New Genesis. I don't know if anybody else had that information yet. Probably. Anyway, now Guy and Simon have a reason to join the gigantic cosmic fray.

Red Lanterns #35 Rating: No change. What happened to Tora? Was she just visiting for the day? Why can't this comic book be about her and Guy instead of about Guy and his anger issues?! More Tora, DC! Pronto!

Justice League International #1

Just like Justice League, Justice League International begins by laying the groundwork for the team to come. It doesn't last long and it's important to show that the International version of the Justice League will be at the mercy of the United Nations. But we can see shades of Maxwell Lord already in this Andre Briggs person.

Whatever he's playing at, we can bet that he'll pretty much be lying to the UN and to the JLI while manipulating everyone and everything toward his own ends. Or maybe I'm just expecting another Maxwell Lord!

No, no. He's pretty much Maxwell Lord. Especially since I'm pretty sure the readership is supposed to hate him when he openly calls them all closed-minded, basement dwelling, internet trolls. Or is that just Jurgen pissing on his fanbase?

The JLI headquarters is going to be the Superfriend's Hall of Justice! Hooray! But this revelation comes with possibly the lamest bit of comic scripting I've ever been asked to swallow! A bunch of everymen (and women!) are protesting the UN's takeover of the Hall of Justice because it is a Public Building. What the public was doing with the building and why a bunch of average joes would care that the UN was taking it over, we aren't told. Perhaps they can't bear for the UN to use it because, as one protestor says, it's a symbol! But you know they're average guys because they drop a lot of consanants and say things like "doin'" and "cuz" and "followin'". And when they realize the UN is going to be installing a bunch of heroes in their unused symbolic public building, they get all threatening and terroristy! I'm hoping this glowing red guy in the crowd is the cause of all of this nonsense!



Nine pages in, we get our first glimpse at the collected group. And it warms my heart to see Guy Gardner flip out and throw his first tantrum just eight pages in! I'd scan the picture of him yelling "Are you out of your freaking minds?!" except I'm reading JLI #1 out of the 1000 page book of collected #1s and it'll probably break my scanner and/or the binding on the book trying to get this pic from an inside border.

Guy Gardner ends up bailing on the team but I see him on the cover of Issue #2 and Issue #3, so he'll be back! Batman sneaks onto the jet as the team heads for Peru on their first mission to save some UN people doing UN work of some sort or another. The members of the team:

Red Rocket. He seems very similar to the original Red Rocket which is to say he's a cliche of an ESL Russian immigrant. He's earnest and speaks funny. In this issue he does some scanning with his suit and blasts some little rock guys with some kind of wrist cannon. He can also fly.

Fire. An easy enough name to guess what she does. She shoots flames! She's also probably hot-headed because she's made of fire and because she's Brazilian. She snaps at Godiva during the mission which proves what I just said!

Ice. She freezes things and rides on ice blocks that can float in the sky. So either she makes lighter than air ice blocks or she also has some telekinetic ablility as well. She probably can't get emotionally close to others!

Vixen. She doesn't actually do much in this episode except state that it doesn't matter who is on the team as long as they have a Green Lantern (which they don't!). If I remember correctly, she uses the inherent abilities of animals. I don't know if animals need to be nearby or if she can just do whatever any animal can do. Unless that's Animal Man. Maybe it's just both. Vixen may only be able to use one power at a time. So if she's flying she can't have the strength of a gorilla. Maybe. Like I said, she didn't do much this issue.

August General in Iron. I vaguely remember this guy from somewhere. He was a hero of China who came into conflict with another group. It may have been The Authority or Stormwatch or Planetary or maybe the original JLI. I don't know what this guy can do besides argue with Rocket Red and love his country. He carries some stick like thing that looks like it has a current coming out of it.

Godiva. She can control her hair the same way one might control their legs or arms or hands or fingers. Batman accuses her of not pulling her weight at some point and she kind of responds with a less accurate, differently worded, "Duh! What use is my hair against Rock Creatures?!" She also wants to fuck Booster Gold.

Booster Gold. Booster Gold is the group leader because Andre Briggs probably figures he control and manipulate Booster fairly easily. He can fly and make jokes. He wears a skin tight suit that clings to everything except his penis and balls.

The comic ends with their mission apparently being harder than they thought it was going to be!

I really liked the rhythm and flow of the characters in Justice League International. I also like that before destroying the rock creatures they encounter, Fire asks if they're alive. Rocket Red's sensors confirm they are just animated rock. It's at that point the heroes completely open up and beginning destorying the creatures. That other Justice League is looking really bad now after the way they just began pulling heads and limbs off of the Parademons before finding out what they were killing! Especially since what they were killing were innocent creatures which Darkseid had enslaved and mutated to become Parademons. I'm sure that will be explained later as the innocents died in the process and what was left was some sort of mindless automaton that can only scream, "FOR DARKSEID!"