Batman Eternal #26

Oh Red Hood! Batman has had more influence on you than all of the other Bat-children. The only reason you wield two guns is to show how rebellious you are!

For some reason, the Bat Family cares about Batman again! Why? I don't know! Slumber parties at Wayne Manor? You know the kind! The ones where boys and girls mix but they're not quite old enough to want to engage in any kind of sexual behaviour but they still like to lie close to each other, both pretending to sleep, until maybe somebody's arm touches somebody else's leg and they lie there for five hours feeling like their crotches are going to explode! I'm specifically talking about Dick and Babs, of course. Tim Drake was pretending he knew Bruce Wayne was Batman all along and Jason Todd was probably passed out from breaking into the liquor cabinet. Unless these slumber parties took place after Jason Todd was murdered. Those slumber parties were filled with games of "Pin the Crowbar on the Robin" and "Light as a Feather, Stiff as Jason Todd."

Actually, this issue begins with the Bat Family not caring about Batman as much as I thought! They've once again bonded over the need to know what Batman is hiding from them. Once before, they told Bruce "no secrets" and he agreed even though there was that one secret about Dick not being dead but you can't count that one since it was a secret before the "no secret" agreement. But now Red Robin thinks he can waltz into the Batcave at any moment and declare "No secretsies!" and Bruce has to come clean.

Scott Lobdell would probably rewrite this with a ton of Tim Drake Narration Boxes where he thinks, "Now's the part where Bruce tells us all that Hush is behind it. Does he think we're stupid?"

There was a time when I would read a Batman story and I would think every villain he encountered was a challenge. But that was before every villain he encountered was hellbent on breaking Batman. Now every time some villain comes along that's rocking Bruce's world, I just think, "Really? Hush? Why is he so scary?" Or "The Riddler? A guy that tells stupid jokes?" Or "How does The Joker pull off such intricate plans? He's a nutjob!" I think the main thing the Reboot got wrong was that it didn't deescalate the threats to the heroes! Every fucking thing they face is practically the end of the world, if not the omniverse itself!

Also, I can't remember reading any major stories with Hush so he doesn't feel like much of a threat. He just feels like a kid throwing a huge tantrum.

Thanks for asking the only questions that matter, Penny-Two! Especially since I'm incapable of being constructive. I'm better at the other one. The opposite of constructive!

Now is when Bruce tells Julia that Hush is some asshole named Tommy that, strangely enough, led a life that closely mirrored Bruce's. But Tommy turned into a huge dick while Bruce Wayne turned into an obsessive, emotionally closed off asshole who is also a vigilante.

Bruce tells the story of his friendship with Tommy at a young age and it turns out Tommy's life only mirrored Bruce's because Tommy forced his life to mirror Bruce's. Basically it was a tantrum because Bruce's family was important and worth a lot of money and Tommy's family was a disgrace and broke which made Tommy want what Bruce had especially since Bruce didn't seem to want it. Or Tommy just wanted a neat butler with a cool accent that made delicious waffles.

Watch the "Master Bruce" shit, Penny-Two! You're in public and he's in costume!

Jesus Christ. The fact that Lex Luthor is the only person to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman says less about how smart Lex is and more about how fucking stupid the rest of the DC Universe is. Except re-imagined Secret Origins' Tim Drake, of course! That story was a close save, returning Tim Drake to the Preboot genius he was always meant to be!

I'm not a fan of the art in this issue. The bandages stuck all over Bruce Wayne just look like slugs crawling all over his skin. And Bruce himself looks like an over the hill boxer. And The Joker's Daughter on the last page looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. And Alfred, having been transferred to Arkham Asylum to wait on Maxie Zeus, looks like an overweight business man that just woke up after a weekend bender that turned into a thirty-six hour long lemon party.

Batman Eternal #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. Didn't Scott Snyder already write this story except with The Joker playing all the parts? A villain that knows Batman's secrets. Alfred drugged and kidnapped. The Bat-Family worried that Batman has lost control of the city and probably gave away all of their secrets. Oh, sure! A lot more is happening in this than in Death in the Family but I can't help but notice, just under the surface, it's the same fucking story. Maybe I'm just being overly critical right now! It's not like The Ten-Eyed Man made an appearance in Death of the Family! Also, we're twenty-six issues in and not one appearance of Bat-Cow or Titus! Well, maybe Titus. I can't remember. But I don't think so! And definitely no Alfred the Cat!

Futures End #22

Captain Broccoli Head?

Finally! Captain Broccoli Head returns from limbo! I was so pissed that he was benched in The New 52! But now it looks like he's back! And he's steamed! Ouch! I think I just dislocated my pun bone! Also now I'm hungry.

Last issue of Futures End was a complete waste of time unless you're especially into that part of murder mysteries where the detective spends a full chapter repeating all of the clues that she's found during the rest of the book but in a linear, didactic, and patronizing manner so that the stupid cops can catch up and get with the program. I'm actually fond of that part of the book but not because I've been wondering how the detective knew what she knew. I just like seeing extra smart people treat averagely smart people like they're barely competent.

Here's how I think the new Superman Loves Batman movie should open. Superman, Batman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman will be eating cheeseburgers in a small seaside town when Superman will cock his head and say, "There's trouble in Nebraska!" Aquaman will hang his head and say, "Go on without me. I'll get the bill. Again." Then the others will fly to Nebraska in Wonder Woman's invisible jet where they'll find Blockbuster rampaging across a small farming community for evil and, probably, Republican reasons. They'll land and quickly exit to stand in a pose that would make a great movie poster before Superman flies off and hits Blockbuster with a silo. Batman will say, "No grain, no pain!" while Wonder Woman shifts uncomfortably as she tries to make sure the camera can see both her boobs and her ass at the same time.

I've probably nailed the opening so that when the movie comes out, y'all are just going to think I had access to an advance copy of the script. I assure you I did not and my spot on prediction of the opening scene is simply due to my status as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

This is where I make a stupid segue back to Futures End but since it will be pained, I'll just skip it and get on with the comic book.

Actually, Jason Rusch, it's not a tough issue at all! Stop blaming the Twofers for your problem! It's not their fault that they had lousier superheroes than New 52 Earth who couldn't manage to stop Darkseid!

Lois Lane has posted on her blog about how Superman is a sham...a Shazam sham! Jason Rusch's professor, Doctor Yamazake, has what I expect is supposed to be the typical New 52 Earther reaction. He believes this shows the Justice League has no respect for the people they're supposedly protecting. I think the real reaction would be people reading it and saying, "Hmm, yeah. That makes sense. Why else would Superman have suddenly begun wearing the mask unless it was because he still had those Doomsday bone growths sprouting out from his face." I think the revelation that Superman is Shazam is more comforting than finding out Superman still has a high percentage of Doomsday Herpes running through his veins.

Regular people aren't responsible enough to utilize transporter technology safely! Just imagine all of the Brundleflies that would be roaming the streets!

I think this entire transporter business is simply building up to Jason Rusch and Ronnie Raymond finally merging completely as one happy couple.

On the next page, Lois Lane uses the "sham" word to describe the Shazam/Superman story. Too bad she didn't use that as her headline. Or better yet, her headline should have been, "You Won't Believe What Happens To This Twelve Year Old Boy When He Says His Magic Word!" I know Billy Batson isn't twelve anymore but I can't bring myself to think of him as a grown man. It's less pleasant having a grown man that turns into another grown man. Where's the thematic issues there? Where's the fantasy?

Meanwhile at The Wounder Duck, a bunch of lame ducks are hanging out together being lame. Was that a good line? I think I'm at my best right now! Also, those lame ducks are Ronnie Raymond (lame duck because he can't be Firestorm alone), Billy Batson (lame duck because Lois Lane castrated him on the most popular blog to ever exist), and Red Robin (lame duck because he was written by Scott Lobdell for three years). If this were fan fiction, that bar rag would soon be a cum rag. Was that a good line? Am I back on top yet?! What if I made another lame duck joke?

Speaking of lame ducks and jokes, Justin is currently hiding out in a motel room waiting for Voodoo and her Deadly Friends (that's their version of the Super Friends. They thought about being called the "Deadly Vixens" but decided that was fucking sexist bullshit) to get back from being deadly and/or stripping. Justin, if you don't remember (and I'm sure you don't) is Cole Cash's Dungeons and Dragons playing nerd friend. He might be my favorite character in Futures End.

He may also be the future Oracle because the previous Oracle had too many vaginas.

Voodoo's team is actually codenamed "OPS". That's the worst codename ever. OOPS would have been better. I'm not even going to guess what "OPS" stands for because all of my guesses would be sexist and demeaning. Although I will admit, it's less being sexist that would cause my guesses to be sexist and mostly just being immature. Because if this were an all guy team and they were called "OPS," I'd probably suppose the "P" stood for penis. Maybe it does here as well! "Official Penis Suckers?" Dammit! See? I knew making a guess at the acronym would cause me to put my penis in my mouth!

I wonder if anybody has ever marketed a product called Freudian Slippers? One slipper would look like a cigar and the other one would look like a keyhole. Or one slipper would look like a train and the other one would look like a tunnel. Or one slipper would look like a rocket and the other one would look like a vagina. Also, because our product line wouldn't want to be hetero bullies, we could sell cigars and trains together as well as orchids and keyholes.

Freudian slippers already exist (of course) except they're slippers that look like Freud. What a wasted opportunity. I'd better think up another Freudian themed product! How about a game show called Family Freud? "We surveyed 100 people. How many said they would fuck their mother?"

If I had Voodoo's power, I'd be able to shapeshift into almost four different people and/or animals! Depending on how we're going to define "intimate"!

The website that Justin has hacked into shows King Faraday is only the second to this strike team called "OPS." Their controller is Frank Rock! I guess he enjoyed leading black ops teams so much in the 2000 revival of the Suicide Squad that he decided to get back into it in The New 52.

Meanwhile, for those interested in the main plot involving Batman Beyond, A.L.F.R.E.D. tells Terry McBatman that Brother Eye's satellite is inoperable. But Brother Eye has moved to Cadmus Island where, as we've seen, he's taking control of everyone through the biomonitors placed inside all of the Twofers. And then for those interested in the budding relationship between Hawkman's Penis and Amethyst's Princess Vagina, the scene changes to "Somewhere in Deep Space" where Frank, Amy, and Katar finally meet Brainiac.

This is where I would normally scan the picture of their meeting but it's a double page splash and I hate scanning those. So just imagine a big green penis that kind of looks like Brainiac staring down at the new Stormwatch and telling them that they're on The Blood Moon. So apparently Brainiac gets his power from menstruation now? But before anything really interesting can happen, something interesting happens. Ray Palmer (in costume) and Black Adam appear to rescue the new Stormwatch team!

Futures End #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I liked this issue better than subsequent issues. I think. Maybe. Anyway, I like Bangers and Mash because now I'm hungry again. I wonder if they'll battle Captain Broccoli Head next issue?

Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Batman Eternal #25

Does Batman ever have a battle with a super villain nowadays that doesn't destroy most of Gotham?

After each episode of Gotham (meaning a whole two times so far), when the show ends and the word "GOTHAM" shrinks down to fit the parameters of your television screen, do you also say, out loud, "Got Ham?" If you do, we're like total samesies!

What do you think was going on in Jason Fabok's head (I wanted to call it a stupid head for no reason except that I have an inherent dislike for all humanity) when he decided Hush needed a little cell phone pouch on the sleeve of each arm of his leather trench coat? I can't think of a worse design! I mean, I can think of a worse design since I have like the best imagination that totally allows me to think up stuff whenever I want to think up stuff. And not just dumb stuff like, well, you know, stuff that is dumb! But awesome stuff like stuff that is awesome! Like unihorns and painbows! And doughnut pancakes! Anyway, I bet Jason Fabok was thinking, "You know what I've never fucking thought in my entire life while out clubbing or razing a city? I've never thought, 'Boy, this trench coat would make connecting to friends, family, and international arms dealers much more convenient if it had little carrying cases for multiple cell phones right on the biceps! And being that hardly anybody is actually ambidextrous (although a lot of internet nerds will tell you they are even if, in reality, they can't even skip rope up to the point where Cinderella kisses the snake), trying to unsnap that case with their non-dominant hand would be really super funny to watch! Plus if somebody can only afford one phone, they can keep pills and condoms in the other one.' Yep, I've convinced myself. Pouches on the sleeves of the trench coat is far cooler than no pouches on the sleeves!" I'm sure that's exactly what Mr. Fabok was thinking.

I have no idea what the DC art editors were thinking by not saying, "That is the stupidest fucking thing we have ever seen since Rob Liefeld walked off the job." But I can imagine what I'd like to imagine they were thinking which was, "I sure wish Hush was female so we could slap some goldarned cleavage on this cover."

The issue begins with Vicki Vale showing more journalistic integrity than Lois Lane has all New 52.

I actually have no idea what "journalistic integrity" actually means. I just thought it sounded like a decent slam of Lois Lane who only cares about stories that will make her more and more popular.

Speaking of journalism because I haven't slammed it in quite some time now, guess what the big news story was yesterday? Unless it was the day before. Oh, time. Why must you be such a harsh mistress of non-stop buttplay? Um, anyway, the big news story was about a couple that gave a one hundred dollar tip to a waiter that was giving bad service because they understood and wanted to "pay it forward," whatever the fuck that means. That's a worse phrase than "journalistic integrity!"

Here's a tip, you lousy-at-your-jobs, fucked up, stupid-as-shit local broadcasters: just because some "thing" or "event" happens and it happens to be liked over a million times by fucking morons that think generosity is the grandest idea since Jesus decided not to fuck Magdalene, that does not make it a news story. That makes it some idiotic thing to pass the time awkwardly with a co-worker when you both wind up digging for change by the candy machine. "Oh, um, hey, uh, did you see that thing on Facebook where the shitty server got tipped money by a couple of people that think they're going to inspire the world with their excessive generosity and kindness?" "What? Stop talking to me. I'm getting Human Resources."

I hope you readers are enjoying this commentary so far because it's the last one you're going to see for a week! Denver, here I come! Also, Doom Bunny, here I come! Um, I mean, to visit.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks (oh fuck me. That phrase is even worse than any of the other phrases that have irked me so far! "Terror attack." Shut the fuck up, you stupid fucking morons! Why am I on this planet? Stop adding the word "terror" to everything! It doesn't mean anything! I mean, it does mean something but it does not mean the same something that the people saying it think it means. What "terror attack" means now, at this moment, in this specific time in our modern era, is "a violent act by brown people with a religion that doesn't follow Jesus." No, wait. I should correct myself instead of just letting myself ramble while spouting incorrect facts. That's what terror attack used to mean. So it was meant the way I defined it during the Bush years (nothing against Bush; just trying to get this all straight in time (although there is a lot to hate about Bush but this isn't anything derogatory towards him specifically)). It had a very specific meaning to propel this nation toward war and then to keep this nation accepting of the war. Now, newscasters generally just call any violent act an "act of terror" because they have forgotten how language works. They're more like parrots than thinking humanoids). Fuck. I'm going to start this paragraph over.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks. As we saw last issue, Cluemaster and Hush have a plan to ramp up the tension of all the citizens in Gotham. Ratcatcher spreading rat feces in local salad bars. Signalman speeding up the traffic signals so they now change at an accelerated rate, forcing all the cars to stop every one or two lights instead of driving steadily through all the traffic lights on one long street like they used to. And now Jason Bard is using the media to fear up the city.

Anybody still living in Gotham after the last six years gets what they deserve. Yeah, I'm victim blaming! Don't tell me you haven't thought the same exact thought from time to time! "Why do people still live in Gotham?" If that thought has ever crossed your mind--and if you've been a fan of Batman for any length of time, it has--then you're a victim blamer! Asshole.

Yeah! Think up a cool name! Like, um, Red Robin!

Red Robin gets thrown to the ground by Harper because they're still in that early part of the relationship where they're overtaken by public displays of training at the craziest of moments. But Red Robin can't have Harper get the better of him so he retaliates with...um...with one of the stupidest Bat-Gadgets I've seen since Batman tried to use the Bat-Lube on Robin in that episode of Challenge of the Super Friends that should probably never air ever again. The thing Robin uses is the straps on his chest medallion. They shoot off of him and wrap up Harper using, um...I don't know...probably magnetism. And they're probably made out of inertrite.

I wonder if the process which makes inertrite wings and inertrite straps and inertrite condoms causes microscopic particles of the stuff to wind up in the factory workers' lungs? I bet it probably does and I bet Bruce Wayne probably doesn't care because it would cost him too much money to stop developing the stuff. Which I don't think he actually develops much of anyway. Why don't we ever hear about anything being inertrite except Red Robin's wings or things in the future with the Legion of Super-heroes? Could it be I'm wrong and Bruce Wayne refuses to give people Inertrite Lung just to have indestructible toys? More probably, I just haven't read enough DC books in the last fifteen years to have encountered mentions of the stuff.

Meanwhile Penny-Two helps Batman figure out that Jason Bard let The Architect out of Blackgate. And by "helps," I mean does all of the work with the Batcomputer while Batman scowls and growls and pitches multiple fits about Penny-Two not doing things the correct, Alfred way.

Jason Todd and Tim Drake meet up in Alfred's hospital room to mention how The Joker's bullshit in Death of the Family killed the, you know, being that it's right there in the title, Bat-Family. Even though it didn't. I mean, you could tell that that was what it was supposed to do. At least the readers and most of the writers got the idea. But if your name was Scott Lobdell, you had no clue what was really going on and so you fucked it all up in the pages of Red Hood and the Outlaws #17 where you showed the whole family still getting along and seemingly trusting each other. Remember that? Right before Jason Todd put on his Joker trapped mask which made him lose his memories but then he didn't lose his memories at that time because it didn't work out for continuity's sake? That might have fooled the dumber readers who, for some reason, don't want to admit that Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, so they continued to believe that James Tynion IV was the one that erased Todd's memory. That's what DC wants you to believe. But then why did The Joker's trap tell Jason Todd that he just got Tabula Rasa'd, hunh? Answer me that, dumb dumbs?

Anyway, Todd and Drake decide maybe it's time to act like brothers again because they're the only brothers they have now that Dick and Damian are dead. Supposedly dead. You know, currently, supposedly dead.

And his semen!

Please. Why would Barbara Gordon decide to start hooking up with a guy who is practically The Joker's sidekick? Oh, I know why! For the Degrassi Junior High drama that comic book fans love so much! Oooh! Oooh! Who likes whom? Who is fucking whom? Who? Whom? Whom? Who? Oooh! Oooh!

I think I just wrote a Cure song.

Over in Jason Bard's apartment, Batman has a conversation with a hologram of Hush because comic books.

I've been known to throw insane tantrums my whole life. I just threw one yesterday when my printer stopped doing the thing it's supposed to do (you know, printing!). But I've never decided to destroy an entire city because things didn't go my way. Hmm. Maybe next time!

Hush blows up Batman in Bard's apartment after getting photographic evidence of Batman entering the place to frame him for the explosion later. But Batman has experience being in the center of explosions, so he's okay. And that's when the Bat-Family finally comes together again (minus the dead ones). Batgirl, Red Robin, and Red Hood arrive at the scene to pick Bruce up and dust him off and then ask, "Who the fuck is Penny-Two? Are you still fucking telling people your and our secret identities, you cock bag?"

Batman Eternal #25 Rating: No change. Has it become common practice to refer to "identity theft" as "I.D. theft" or is that just another reason I can call my local newscasters fuckbongs? I thought maybe they were reporting on some junior high school kids having their I.D.s stolen when they put up that graphic. That had nothing to do with Batman Eternal because I don't review comic books, remember? I ramble and rant! I'm also headed to Denver in a few hours so that means this is the last commentary for about a week. Unless, for some silly reason, I decide to read Doomed #2 before going because it's the last non-Futures End book I have to read. The Futures End stuff I'll be wrapping up slowly in the coming month for the one or two of you that were actually interested in the resolution of the story of Goggles. Yes, it has an actual resolution. But I need time to write it so that I'm at least somewhat happy with it how it turned out. I don't have to be ecstatic about it though! It's basically just a first, very rough draft. Not that there will be any other drafts of it! But I do have other ideas for it that will mean real fucking writing work. You know the kind! The kind barely any writers ever get to because, well, look at this place! It's a mess! I should probably be cleaning and maybe exercising and then I need to relax and, of course, I've got the business to attend to and I like to occasionally engage in coitus and, well, eating! So much eating to do! I'm sure I can get some writing shoved in there somewhere, right?

Futures End #21

From this point on, I will no longer be calling any archer in the DC Universe a super hero.

Last issue, Red Robin pretended to be caught breaking into the offices of The Fast Lane by Lois Lane. He was all, "Whoops! How did I not know that you were still in the offices when I am nearly the smartest person in DC Comics and I once discovered Batman's secret identity although I really didn't but then Scott Lobdell rewrote the story for Secret Origins so that it seemed like I knew who Batman was all along because Scott Lobdell likes to pretend he had plans to do things differently when fans tell him that the way he originally did them sucked. Then he writes a new story that reveals that his old story wasn't the entire truth and the new story is the way the fans wanted it. And then he says, 'See? Now you have crow's eggs on your faces because you did not trust me and my far reaching plots which reveal themselves in ridiculous ways but eventually show that I didn't really mean for Starfire to be a cum dumpster or for Tim Drake to be stupid or for Tim Drake to actually be Robin even or for the Teen Titans to have already existed before they even actually New 52 existed or for...well, I could go on like this forever but you get my point!'"

I forget the point Red Robin was trying to make to Lois Lane before Scott Lobdell interrupted so now I have to start over.

Forget about Red Robin and Lois Lane. That story isn't going anywhere unless they begin fucking. Let's remember together where Deathstroke and Grifter were! No wait, they were on Cadmus Island. That hasn't changed for dozens of issues. I actually don't think I need to recap anything because then I'd just be repeating all of my recaps from the last twenty commentaries because the plot on this thing moves slower than a snail crapping molasses.

Your army of archers? Get out of there, Barda! You're just going to wind up carrying them all! And Green Arrow will take all the credit! And he'll steal your technology for Q-Core! Unless it's Q-Corps! Maybe it's Cuke-Whore?

Red Arrow, who didn't die over in Earth 2 even though he was dead over in Earth 2, tells the story about the war that's been referenced multiple times in the last twenty issues. Earth 2 was overrun by Apokolips forces, so a bunch of ships full of Twofer heroes and civilians escaped to The New 52 Earth. But they were followed by parademons! New Earthers were all, "Oh man! Fuckin' dicks! Don't drag your shit onto our doorstep!" Although some New Earthers weren't total dicks and were actually super heroes (not Green Arrow, Roy Harper, or Emiko), so they decided to help battle the parademons (with the help of Green Arrow, Roy Harper, and Emiko). And I guess they won even though they suffered terrible happiness like most of the Teen Titans being killed. Big Barda thought Mister Miracle was killed early in the conflict but Emiko has told her different. So Barda is kind of impatient with Red Arrow telling her the story that she already knows.

I'm a little impatient as well! Most of this comic book has now been simply putting all of the various references to the war into a linear story. Does DC Comics think we're morons? They already told us this shit and we, the most intelligent readers of comic books ever (that includes most of the people that read this blog. Most! All of you that I don't mean, you don't know who you are because you're so fucking stupid. Ha ha! Stupids! All of you that are smart enough to know that you're not a stupid dumb dumb, point and laugh at the stupids with me! No wait! Don't! That's mean! I would never do that! I mean, starting from this moment where I just realized it was mean, I will never do that!) have already pieced this story together! So hopefully Green Arrow has something fantastic to say before the story gets to some good old fashioned fucking!

What is old fashioned fucking? Sepia toned fucking in dirty Victorian rags? Or just looking suggestively at somebody's ankle from across an empty room where proper decorum dictates the sexes remain separate. Lucky Victorian homosexuals! I mean, lucky right up until Oscar Wilde over played his hand and ruined it for everybody! Not that I'm blaming Oscar Wilde for the uptight bigotry of the closeted people of power which turned the fear of penises touching into a complete loss of male intimacy which eventually turned most men into obnoxious dudebros! Don't try to deconstruct me into being a victim blaming asshole, you opportunistic piece of righteous wrath and perfection! Stop trying to make me look bad by purposefully misunderstanding me!

See? Just like I typed earlier! I knew New Earthers were jerks! I mean, I was only guessing before! But now that I have proof, I knew it all along.

After the war, Green Arrow began investigating the government agency that demanded Twofers carry ID cards and obey a curfew. It was probably run by Sloan and Sloan! But during his investigations, he ran afoul of Deathstroke and met Red Arrow, his Christmas Doppelganger. Although I agree with Red Robin: he seems more like Speedy's doppelganger. Together, the Christmas Arrows discovered Brother Eye and a traitor named Maxwell Payne and, eventually, Cadmus. They knew Cadmus was collecting all the Twofer heroes and squirreling them away on a secret island. But Green Arrow knew he was no match for Deathstroke since Deathstork Deathstroke is a super hero and Green Arrow is just this guy, you know? So Green Arrow had to gather an army together to fight his war for him! His army was mostly just The Outsiders (not the awesome Outsiders with that cute little Halo and that hilarious Metamorpho and that cool dude Black Lightning and that motherly murderer, Katana...oh wait! Katana actually was in his Outsiders! But not the others!) and some normal, every day people that knew how to string a bow. But now that they have some actual muscle on their team (Big Barda!), they're ready to invade Cadmus!

But not yet because that story took up this whole issue. You'll have to wait a few more days to find out if Hawkman and Amethyst have Nth fucked. Unless you're relying on me to tell you about Issue #22. And then you'll have to wait a lot longer because I'm going to be in Denver for a week.

Futures End #21 Rating: No change.

The Multiversity: Society of Super-Heroes #1

Why is that Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lanterny Daredevil character on this cover? He was on the cover to Issue #1 and never appeared in that! I bet he doesn't appear here as well!

After reading the first issue, I pointed out that the reader was the villain bringing on tragedy by continuing to read the story and that was why the narrator was trying to get the reader to stop. Obviously I was wrong and reading it completely backwards. But that's because I was just trying to trick my readers into not reading for fear of being the villain. Then I would be the only one left reading The Multiversity and I would be the one true hero! Obviously the narrator is a bad guy, perhaps one of The Gentry, trying to get the reader to give up reading the comic book since reading the comic book creates time and executes the plot which will allow the heroes to win (since that's how comic book stories always end all the time forever). So if the reader were to listen to the Narrator and abandon the book, the heroes would never get a chance to win. This is why Captain Carrot mentions he likes reading stories with good endings. Because he knows he's reading the stories of heroes in alternate dimensions and, by reading those stories, he's helping those heroes to succeed.

So while dumb dumb critics continue to call comic books "wish fulfillment fantasies," Grant Morrison is telling us they're actually more than wish fulfillment. The reader gets to be a true hero by reading, and hoping, and pumping her fist in the air when the hero succeeds! Then everybody in the coffee shop looks at her, annoyed, and she stands up, wagging her middle fingers in every direction, and screams, "Fuck you all, you bourgeoisie bitches! Unless you pronounce and/or spell that dumb word some other way and then maybe you're just middle class, uncreative zombie mother fuckers!"

Judging by this cover, this story will be about Doctor Fate and Lady Blackhawk banging each others body parts sore while The Atom chokes himself and masturbates in the corner. Also maybe zombies will attack.

The initial narrator of this story is a composite of Anthro, Immortal Man, and Vandal Savage. He calls himself Immortal Man although he doesn't die and become reborn like the old DC Character, Immortal Man, who was Vandal Savage's rival. He gained his power of immortality from a radioactive meteor as did Vandal Savage. But Immortal Man was also called, at one point during his life, Anthro. And being a Grant Morrison book, I'm sure Immortal Man here is a little bit of all of those characters and maybe even a few more.

Immortal Man answers a call from Doctor Fate to join a group called The Watchmen, unless he decides to call it the Justice League. Oh! Or maybe the Society of Super-Heroes! I bet that's why this comic was called that! Master Comic Book Reader!

See? He's also part Phantom Stranger! Maybe! And some guy named Mortimer! No, wait! "Morty" is probably just a cute sex kitten nickname for "Immortal Man." Master Comic Book Reader!

Maybe I should stop proclaiming I'm a Master Comic Book Reader every time I show that I have an average ability to comprehend what I'm reading.

A few of the other people looking to join the Society of Super-Heroes are the Blackhawks (the all-female division), and The Mighty Atom. He completed some workout course he found in the back of a comic book and then put on a Doctor Manhattan mask, so now he thinks he can be a real super-hero. He's probably going to die, along with half of the Blackhawks.

Doctor Fate has a copy of the haunted comic book that Nix was trying to vivisect at the beginning of last issue. I don't know how you vivisect a comic book but that's what he was doing and I'm just trying to be accurate for once in my life! And since the comic book is extremely dangerous, Doctor Fate left it out where anybody could put their tiny little mighty hands on it. The Mighty Atom gets yelled at just before Jemm, Son of Saturn, arrives.

Dammit! This would be the perfect moment for that yellow penis joke I used to tell in third grade and now I can't remember it!

Abin Sur mentions he has 100 planets to patrol in his Sector 2814. The Green Lantern of Earth-23 said he had one hundred and one planets to patrol! How come Universe-23 has one more inhabited planet than Earth-20? Unless this is Earth-40? It's one of those, according to the cover!

Doctor Fate put out the call for adventurers because a parallel earth might soon be colliding with their earth. The only way to stop devastation on a scale nigh unimaginable is to recruit an eighteen year old comic book reading kid that cosplays Watchmen charactes, a guy that can't die, some women that can fly airplanes really well, and a Green Lantern. And since Abin Sur had already agreed to help Doctor Fate (having brought the warning to Doctor Fate himself), I'm kind of at a loss for why he needed these other chumps to help out! It's like hiring Black Widow and Hawkeye to be on a team with, well, anybody else with actual superpowers! When the Avengers have a Halloween party at their mansion, I wonder if Black Widow and Hawkeye go as Wendy and Marvin?

The real heroes are on the parallel Earth! Go Vandal Savage! Kick their asses!

He's just a caveman! This world confuses and frightens him!

Vandal Savage is working with Felix Faust although it's probably actually Wotan since Wotan is Doctor Fate's fremesis. They decide to go to war with the parallel earth they just discovered. Or the guy whose throat Vandal Savage tore out with his teeth discovered. Credit where credit is due!

And since the Society of Super-heroes had just finished up a war against Jonah Hex, Nazi Mastermind, they were too weary to defeat Vandal Savage when he invaded. At least that's what Immortal Man says. "Too weary." Excuses, excuses! Vandal Savage was just too bad-ass for you, Mort! That's why you lost the United States of America to him and his suicide robots and his zombie army! And then five years passes in the space of two panels because it's time for Futures End: Multiversity #1?

Five years later, things aren't going very well. Abin Sur has been killed by The Fear-Thing (Solomon Grundy, possibly?), and The Mighty Atom's Doctor Manhattan costume has been ruined. But Doctor Fate's helmet has told him of the Monitors, and of Nix Uotan trapped in some eternal battle to save the universe, and the haunted comic book that probably has something to do with one of those things specifically! Probably the one about Nix fighting! Probably! And since Nabu told Doctor Fate all of these things, Doctor Fate knows about the Transmatter Cubes and how to get to The Bleed where the Monitor's Satellite sits waiting for more heroes to join the fight.

While The Blackhawks battle Lady Shiva and The Mighty Atom (with a fresh new Doctor Manhattan costume) battles Blockbuster, Doctor Fate opens the door to the Monitor's satellite. I wonder if he can smell carrot farts through it?

This battle plays out with as much magic as in the final battle in Wizards except with less bullets and more kicks to the balls.

As Fate drags Faust into his interrogation machine, Faust calls to the Fear-Thing: Parallax. Well, I guess that makes more sense than Solomon Grundy although I do think Solomon Grundy's yellow erection could have done serious damage to Abin Sur. Except Parallax did not kill Abin Sur like Solomon Grundy's penis would have, so I'm smarter than somebody even if I don't know who, or even know what I'm talking about. Abin Sur had to survive so that he can be the one to enter the Multidimensional Lex Luthor Parallelotelegram and appear on the cover of Multiversity #1.

At the end, Immortal Man spills Vandal Savage's blood, summoning Nix Uotan (probably the Destroyer version and not the Superjudge version) to this Earth. Is that also what happened in the first issue on Earth-7 when the Genesis Egg hatched? It seemed to hatch only after having Lord Havok's blood spilled upon it. I think these heroes need to stop spilling blood!

Immortal Man sends out an SOS just like heroes from Earths all over the Multiverse have been doing.

More comic books should be like this! DC and Marvel have so much history, stop trying to force some kind of linear coherence on it all! Just let writers pick and choose and merge and mash and come up with fun shit to read like Multiversity! Hey DC! You can use that blurb on the back cover of the Multiversity trade, okay?

Futures End: Teen Titans #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea! Of course, not everybody in The Dusty Stretches is a fan of the broadcast. One example: Weasel, formerly of The Long Boxes.

"Yer probably wondering why I'm limping, right?"

A woman layered in several different varieties of dust and grime, hair matted against her scalp from grease and sweat, tattered robes of various earth tones trailing from her body, acknowledges the speaker in no way at all.

"That bitch up there. That islander bitch, Goggles, fucking shot me. Fucking cunt. Who does she think she is?"

The woman angles her trajectory slightly so that she slowly, and barely noticeably, begins to drift away from the limping man. She puts one hand on the machete tucked into the fraying rope she wears as a belt. She wants to spit in his direction but decides he isn't worth the moisture.

"Who the fuck does she think she is, anyway?" The limping man glances around and catches the stare of a crazy eyed Asian man just a few feet away. The man's limp gets noticeably worse and he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders at the staring man, a gesture meant to italicize his earlier complaints and, hopefully, bring the other man into some kind of shared confidence. Instead, the staring man points at Weasel's oozing leg, cackles madly, claps his hands, raises them to the air, and never looks in Weasel's direction again.

"What's wrong with you assholes? You think that whore has some kind of solution to this bullshit life? You think she's gonna save us all?"

"Shut the fuck up," comes a hoarse grumble from a direction Weasel isn't looking. He glances back toward the sound of the voice and tries to match it to a dirty, miserable, dusty face. But he has to admit it could have come from any one of these poor wretches.

"Oh! Who would have guessed? Flyshit bravery from you pathetic fools! Classic! Fucking cowards, the lot of you!" Weasel feels better getting in the last word but he is too disheartened to continue his lament. If they're going to treat me like the last dog on earth, they don't deserve to hear the truth, he thinks to himself in consolation. He can't understand why these people followed a person that convinced them to not only leave their homes but to burn them to the ground as well. The only reason he followed was because being alone outside of a city, especially at night, was suicide, plain and simple. This group offers, at the very least, protection from creatures and people that prey on lone travelers and easy marks. So Weasel shuts the fuck up because he isn't willing to be left behind, and he isn't ready to die terrified and alone.

Weasel shuts the fuck up and he trudges along toward an unknown destination with everybody else. He decides he's said enough. Everybody knows where he stands by now, so now it's time for him to keep his ears open. Others must exist within this group who are as disgruntled as he is. And the longer they march, the hungrier they get, the longer it takes to find out any information about what the fuck they're going to do, the more likely people will begin to turn to his side. In a desperate situation like this, all Weasel needs do is wait.

That night, he searches amidst the small clusters of strangers around separate, blazing fires for faces he does not recognize. When he finds one, he gestures at his leg, and at the ground, and a place is quickly made for him. A woman with two small children loans him an extra pillow where he can rest his leg, and a tall blond man leans over and offers him a flask. Before Weaseal can take it, the man gasps slightly and reaches out with his other hand to pull back Weasel's bandage. The bullet wound is red, and raw, and oozing. The man bites his lower lip and, without asking for Weasal's consent, pours a little alcohol directly into the wound. Weasel emits a sharp, quick scream before looking shocked and wide eyed at the man with the flask. The man fixes the bandage, gives Weasel's thigh a hearty squeeze, and he proffers the flask once more. Weasel smiles uneasily, accepts the gift, and takes three long swallows of some low grade moonshine. He coughs, wheezes a bit, and hands the flask back to the beaming man, happy to share his concoction with a new face. Nobody offers him any food because nobody seems to have any. If they've eaten, they do not say. They remain quiet until a sallow skinned teenaged girl brings out a battery operated radio. The others smile. Some sit up straighter, eager for the broadcast about to begin. Others lie back on scruffy, flea-covered blankets. Weasel just stares into the fire, praying they won't be listening to HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea but knowing, before the static on the radio clears and Goggle's voice can begin to speak, that no gods are left to hear his prayer.

Goggles discusses the comic book "Futures End: Teen Titans #1" but Weasel only half-listens. He watches the faces of the seven strangers around the fire. They laugh at her jokes, a few of them cry when she discusses her old friend Skates and how he promised he and the others would give her the time she needed to get to some creep named Shortystuff. He and several others apparently died giving her that time, and that chance to get at Shortystuff. But though they gave her plenty of time, she never got the chance. It was all for naught and she never found Shortystuff. Most around the fire seem to agree with her future plans as she points out how Teen Titans speaks to her goals. It tells a story of rebellion and the end of corruption, about fighting back against those who think money can buy the lives and futures of the non-wealthy. Some grunt affirmations or dig their hands in the dirt as they're caught up in her decrying the richies and their way of life. But one, the man with the flask, looks sad through most of it, and he shakes his head often as he scratches a long stick in the dirt.

"A better way? Harumph," he mutters at one point. He does not argue, or condemn, or say one word of his feelings to the others. But Weasel senses in him a kindred hurt, and a deep, overwhelming sense of loss and sorrow. The world is shit and this man with the flask sees what Weasel sees...sees what Goggles cannot see...that any way to make the world better for some will only make the world worse for others. Weasel doesn't want Goggles' world, whatever the fuck it might be. And Weasel sees that this man, this stranger, this soon-to-be confidant and friend, does not trust her vision either. Weasel lies back without reaching out to this man. Not tonight. There will be time and tonight, the pain in his leg seems to have sent tendrils up through his stomach, and down near to the bottom of each foot. Too much walking, he thinks. If I could just rest, let it heal properly, everything will be okay. I could maybe even leave this group, or fight back. He smiles weakly at the thought of doing to Goggles what she did to him and his friends. He rolls over, putting his weight on his good leg, and, breathing shallowly, he falls asleep.

Weasel dies three hours later.