Detective Comics #27 Special Edition

This has a New 52 on the cover, so I guess I'm obligated to "review" it.

The first page of this comic book is a word portrait of Dan DiDio and Jim Lee sucking Batman's dick. I'm surprised this was given away for free to kids at the comic book store! I guess Jim Lee wants to repay Batman for "blowing him away" in college when he read "the level of sophistication to the storytelling, the narrative, the political themes and the social themes" in Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns. Whenever I read a story, I'm always amazed at the words, the plot, the characters, and the page numbers! But then, I'm really into in-depth criticism of incredible plot points and deconstructing amazing themes at play in the network of phrases and various bits of punctuation. Just incredible! Words!

After the word pornography and the incredible deconstruction of Frank Miller's seminal work by Jim Lee, this comic book reprints "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate" to show new readers that it's fucking incredible that Batman has lasted 75 years after this shitty beginning!

Oh yeah, you just realized it, didn't you? I'm about to shit all over the Bob Kane and Bill Finger's legendary masterpiece! Buckle up!

This introduction makes no sense. It's just a half-finished thought interrupted by the comment about his identity!

The story begins where all stories began back in the thirties with two men sitting in a parlor face to face while smoking themselves silly.

"Oh yes! I've heard of this 'Bat-Man.' Isn't he the one that chases criminals around the city while hacking and coughing his lungs out?"

The way Commissioner Gordon says "No-o" makes it sound like Bruce Wayne just asked if he was interested in a little fellatio, my good sporto. It's not an unreasonable thought. How did these two men meet? They certainly have nothing in common except tobacco. That ringing in the panel wasn't Gordon's hearing aid freaking out, it was his phone. He answers it and then repeats everything that the person on the other end of the line says because that's the way people spoke on the phone seventy five years ago.

Telephone Answerer: "Hello? Why you said hello too! How are you doing? You're doing fine? And you want to know how I'm doing? Why, I'm swell! You just called to tell me my wife died in a horrible automobile accident with a man that she was obviously having an affair with because he had her lipstick around his anal sphincter? Why golly! That's terrible news! And she was able to say her final words before she died in the arms of the paramedic? What were they? That's what they were! They were, 'I hate my husband and could you please digitally please me as I die?' Well, she always did like that! Thanks for calling! Goodbye, you say? Well goodbye to you too!"

"We'll make a swell outing out of it, what say you?!"

Commissioner Gordon and Bruce Wayne put on their state approved hats and head on over to the crime scene. Back in 1939, they weren't very good at "forensics" or "investigations" or "police work," so most murders were solved when the first person to come along that wasn't associated with the police or the papers wandered by and said, "Ho! What happened here?" "That's what we'd like to know," was the proven response which always flustered the would-be criminal into confessing! Well, that response and hours of questions by quarters in socks.

"That's certainly convenient of you to say, Young Lambert. But how can you explain your presence at the crime scene?!" Bruce Wayne whispers in Commissioner Gordon's ears. "Um, and the fingerprints on the knife! Thank you, Young Wayne! Glad you could come along to help put this creep away!"

Well, this investigation is all very exciting for a first page, but where is The Bat-Man?! He'd better appear soon before Young Lambert gets the chair!

"He says, 'Oh jolly! Does that mean we're having an outing? Is Young Wayne there too?!'"

Gordon tells Crane that they'll be bringing the party to him.

"Thanks for your help, Young Wayne! And don't worry about getting ashes all over the crime scene! We know Young Lambert is the murderer already!"

I guess back in 1939, they didn't have computers or radios or Bat-Man-Signals, so the only way Bruce Wayne could get any leads for the Bat-Man was to follow Commissioner Gordon around constantly.

Bruce Wayne: "I really hate Jim Gordon. He's so boring! And he never wants to engage in a little oral sport between manly men. But if I ever want to fulfill the promise to that bat that flew in my window, I must remain at his side constantly! Day and night! In bed! In the shower! In his butthole! I must be everywhere! My job sure would be easier if the Gotham Police would start using radio already."

Apparently all white men in the thirties had butlers. And these men had white butlers, so they must have been really wealthy! But that would prove to be their undoing because just as rich white men are greedy bastards, so too are their rich white butlers!

"Take that, sir!"

Meanwhile the Bat-Man was investigating but I ignored his initial investigation because it mainly consisted of shoving two men from a roof and then stealing the papers that they had stolen from Crane! Fuck letting the Gotham Police solve this case! They're probably already corrupt and we're only three pages into their existence!

"Yep, that gas killed a guinea pig. Let's see if it will kill this one too. Yep. How about this black fuzzy one. Yep, gas kills it. What about this little Abyssinian? Yep! That one's dead too. You know, I wonder why I made such a huge glass case simply for gassing guinea pigs?"

The "Bat-Man" arrives through an open skylight because Jeeves forgot that the scene would be more dramatic if he'd closed it. Then "Bat-Man" rushes under the glass guinea pig death trap in order to die with Rogers! I mean to save Rogers!

"My Bat-Man-Wank-Tissue and my Bat-Man-Scanner will come in handy to plug the jet and break the glass! Rogers, remember to say 'I was saved by the Jeezly Crow Bat-Man!' when the police arrive!"

The "Bat-Man" subsequently beats up all the bad guys and even knocks one into a vat of acid. After seeing how easily the body of the bad guy is disposed, "Bat-Man" takes the vat of acid back to his apartment where he plans on "convicting" even more felons in years to come!

"Yes, disinterested in everything except smoking and fellatio. Strange chap, that Young Wayne."

After reading that, I have to wonder why people wanted to embarrass Bill Finger so badly that they needed to attach his name to it!

I already commented on the other stories the first time this issue was published without the Bob Kane and Bill Finger story. So that's really all I have to say about that.

Wonder Woman #33

I get it! Batman's been around a long time. Now give me my regular covers back! Stupid comic book store making me miss out on a Cliff Chiang cover!

Wonder Woman has been captured by The First Born and taken to Mount Olympus where he can spend some time killing her. But Diana shouldn't be worried because Wesley Willis is on the way to save her! And he kicked Batman's ass, so you know he can take The First Born!

"I was just minding my own business,
Looking at the pigeons eating their pigeon food,
When this guy bumped into me on the street.
He said, 'Watch it, fatty,' which really made me mad.

I said, 'Hey man, that is not cool.'
He said, 'You are a crazy fat homeless fucker.'
I said, 'I will not be spoken to in that tone.'
He said, 'I am The First Born, bitch.'

So I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!

He fell to the ground moaning in pain.
People began gathering around and talking loudly.
I did not want to be arrested. I did not want to go to jail.
I booked it away as fast as my fat ass could take me.

Love. It's what makes Subaru, a Subaru."

Once again, Orion pisses off the ladies. Hey Orion! You catch more poontang flies with pretending you think women are goddesses honey! Unless the woman actually is a goddess and then you're likely to get your ass kicked for being a lecherous, insincere asshole! Actually, that's likely to happen even if the woman isn't a goddess.

I'm not one of those guys who pretend women are equal just to become ingratiated with them. I know they're exactly like men. I often go up to them in coffee houses and say, "Hey ladies. I like how you have penises just like men. You do, right? Isn't that what's going on down there? I'm not sure it is though because when I wear panties, they fit strangely so I'm beginning to suspect something different about men and women in the pants area. Although women's underwear might fit strangely because putting on a pair makes me sexually excited and it's really hard to stuff an erect penis into a pair of panties." I mean, I used to say that until I became a man and had loads and loads of sexual relationships with women and their penises.

Ahem. Anyway, back on Paradise Island, The First Born's army of gnolls begins its invasion. The gnolls have driven tanks onto the island so it's exactly like every game of Dungeons and Dragons you've ever played in fifth grade with that one kid with the crazy eyes and five older siblings so she knew tons of dirty jokes that you didn't understand at all but laughed at anyway because you didn't want her to think you didn't know anything at all about sex even though it shouldn't have been weird that a ten or eleven year old kid didn't know anything about sex. So during that one game where you had just blown four of Tiamat's heads off with shoulder mounted nuclear missiles while your talking dog cheered you on and she told you that joke about the cop that would let you and your friend and the school bully go if the cumulative length of your three penises measured a certain length and, with only the bully's penis left, you only needed half an inch more for the cop to let you go and the bully showed his penis and it was half an inch and the cop let you all go and then the bully said, "Good thing I was popping a boner," you just pretended that you knew what a boner was and howled with laughter. Although why was a cop looking at kids' junk in the first place? Can you actually get out of tickets if your penis is big enough?

This is the same reaction I always got at the coffee house!

The First Born sends Cassandra and the S&Minotaur down to Paradise Island to fight with his gnolls. But before the S&Minotaur leaves, he glances toward Wonder Woman because he remembers her and her mercy and her compassion. But The First Born doesn't take kindly to the glance.

I know it's probably unprofessional for a writer to change voices in the middle of a written piece, but I want to actually discuss this moment in a more serious tone. So this caption is preparing you for the shift in voice.

The most obvious aspect of this moment is the difference in leadership shown between The First Born and Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman rules with love and compassion and The First Born rules with threats and violence. The other aspect is what I see wrong with the conclusions which some existentialists come to when they realize the universe is a random, uncaring place. Just because nothing we do actually matters to the world or the universe or has any effect on the grand scheme of things, simply because there is "no sentimentality in life," one cannot conclude that what we do as individuals doesn't matter greatly. As soon as we gained the ability to philosophize and rationalize and empathize and view our place within the world, we lost the excuse that we should act as unforgivingly and uncaringly as the rest of the unthinking universe. There may be no sentimentality in nature but there is absolutely sentimentality in human nature. What we do to each other, how we treat each other, matters. With no reward in the afterlife, no grand purpose, no everliving ego, all there is is what we do during our lifetime. If you ruin another person's life, you are ruining their one, single chance at it. You are ruining everything. For some reason, people believe that an afterlife with a promise of a reward or a threat of punishment is the best way to get people to act civilly. But can we not see that isn't the case at all? Life has far less meaning if it's seen as merely a way station to a greater existence. This is where religious folk get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to atheists. We cherish life because we understand it is fleeting. Atheists should be humanists because we understand the criminality of destroying even one life in any way at all. We should be feminists because we believe everybody deserves the same chances at living their lives how they want to live them. We should be good-humored and facetious and easy to laughter and less likely to take offense at things although I'm not sure any of what I just said is truly the case as often as it should be. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt more often than I should because I see in others what is in me. I might offend with my humor or my writings or something I might say but that's all inconsequential to actual life. Disagreeing with another person isn't a bad thing. But forcing a person to change because they disagree with you? That's where I disagree. Or something. Any ladies want to show me their penises now?

God I suck at writing seriously. I'm glad that's over. I'm sweating profusely at that aborted attempt! This is why I like comic books! Because colorful pictures take the edge off serious topics!

See? Colorful images! They must be talking about cotton candy and gummi bearschen!

Diana refuses The First Born's mindbogglingly bad romantic advances (even worse than mine!) so he stabs her in the kidney and heads to Paradise Island to finish the battle. As Wonder Woman begins to bleed out into The First Born's pool of blood, Baby Zeke uses his Zeussy powers to reanimate Hippolyta. Now she's an unbeatable stone statue warrior goddess! Oh, also Orion took an S&Minotaur horn to the abdomen, so he's kind of out of it. And Wesley Willis hasn't saved the day. Heck, he hasn't done anything except appear in a single panel! I thought he was going to be the savior of everyone. I am disappoint.

Wonder Woman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are getting serious! I think. There were so many pretty Cliff Chiang images that things might have also just been a rollicking good fun time party.

The Flash #33

Another Jeezly Crow Batman cover found its way into my pull box!

Previously on The Flash, Patty was pissed at Barry for going on dates with Iris disguised as mentoring opportunities to teach Wally West how to be more white. Also, Future Flash was on a murder spree through time! Barry was also learning about how the special theory of relativity really fucks up his life.

Oh! I also forgot the main plot of the Now part of The Flash comic book. Some guy has stolen a bunch of different super villainous weapons from Prison Island Prison and is using them to kill people and thwart The Flash and maybe to profit somehow as well. Barry, not being a detective, really wants to solve the case so he can get some respect. Or something.

Double Oh! I also forgot about how many speed puns The Flash comic book forces down your throat. They took a back seat to the actual story for awhile as Manaletto ran out of steam (pun!) but now that they have a fresh writing team on the book, they're really ramping up the pun pace!

References to The Flash's speed by the end of page two:
1. "ran in the same crew"
2. "Barry! Wait up!"
3. "We're all running overtime"
4. "I wrote down the license number. I thought maybe you could run it"

That's four in two pages! Some of them might not be intentional but you can't be too careful when reading an issue of The Flash! People are constantly running things and trying to catch up to things and not being able to slow down and fucking up time and causing the entirety of the DC Universe to collapse. All because of puns! Puns are dangerous!

Anyway, Iris can't control her nephew so she thinks it's Barry's job to control him. Barry doesn't seem to know how to say "fuck off," so he takes on the mission of teaching Wally West not to be so urban.

Victim #2: The Trickster! Counting forward time-wise! I think Weather Wizard still needs to die.

The Trickster doesn't actually become one of The Flash's victims. The Flash is actually saving him from killing himself after his change robots accidentally kill a baby. But then The Flash risks the entire world by telling The Trickster that he can change! NO! Enough with the puns, Barry! They're tearing space/time apart!

Speaking of space/time, Barry has just about had enough of it. It's nearly 3 PM when Wally and his friends are meant to rob some place. So The Flash heads off at superspeed only to realize, after only a few moments of time have passed from his perspective, that it's already eight past three and Wally and his dumb friends have been caught by the police.

I have to say I like the idea of dealing with the special theory of relativity in The Flash but it also kind of ruins the character, doesn't it? The faster he runs, the later he always is to everything!

Not you too, Wally! I can feel space/time crumbling all around me! Stop punning already!

Later, Barry solves the case of the guy that Iris calls Mashup. It's Detective Seborn who was assigned to the case! Oh noes! Not a dirty cop in Central City?! He must have transferred over from Gotham.

The Flash #33 Rating: No change. I mean, there was some change! Flying robot change! And then the Trickster changed. And then a whole bunch of punning happened. And then the issue ended with the title, "A Step Behind." OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! THAT'S A PUN AS WELL! EVERYBODY KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE!

Batman and Robin #33

I like to believe that Captain Cold is about to put a bullet in the back of Aquaman's head.

All aboard the party bus to Apokolips! I hope Batman gets in a fist fight with Granny Goodness!

Last issue, Damian Wayne's corpse was taken to Apokolips by Glorious Godfrey. Batman tried to go along but was stopped by the Justice League.

Because you don't have a Mother Box?

Aquaman should really stop butting into Batman's business and help those poor Killer Whales he dragged up to this elevation to fight his battles for him. They're probably freezing to death right now. And they have stomach aches from eating meat from Apokolips.

Aquaman's reasons for not allowing Bats to go to Apokolips are far more philosophical and theoretical than my quite practical reason. Apparently the Justice League can't leave Earth because they need to protect it. I think they might have learned that lesson during Forever Evil. If they aren't around to save the world, some asshat like Lex Luthor will wind up saving it and steal all of their thunder. So no more disappearing tricks when the Earth needs them! Even if Cyborg can generate a stable enough Boom Tube to transport Batman to Apokolips, Aquaman says he can't go.

Wait a second! Who gave Aquaman the last word?! Fuck that fish fucker!

Remember how I mentioned Forever Evil earlier? I just wanted to point out yet another mistake that DC's Editors made. In the back of this week's comic books, they have a map of the Multiverse. It's not really much of a map. It just shows a bunch of worlds with numbers and graphic hints as to who lives on each of the Earths. But Earth-3 shows a world with the continents in the correct direction. Am I misremembering the land masses being a mirror image of our land masses? Sometimes I feel I should get Jonni DC's old job as continuity cop.

Frankenstein walks out of this comic book because heroes squabble too much. Also, he was only helping Batman to recover his son's body so that it could be properly laid to rest. He doesn't want any part in this mad obsession to resurrect the child.

Shazam is fifteen? I think he may have told a few lies when filling out his application.

Batman is trying to gain access to his Hellbat costume which he keeps on Luthor's Justice League Satellite for some reason. I'm not even sure what it does! It must help Batman to walk since it's a crutch.

Yep. It's a crutch.

Seriously though, Batman doesn't need a super suit to make him Superman! He just needs to be Batman! I suppose if all of the heavy hitters were killed and Batman was the only one left that could put a cosmic bullet in Darkseid's head, he might want to be extra prepared. Or he could just do it without a super suit much the way he did it in that universe that doesn't exist anymore because it got the boot.

The Hellbat suit was forged in the sun by Superman. So when did Superman learn how to make armor? And who created an anvil and hammer that could survive the heat of the sun? And what kind of material is it made out of that it wasn't just incinerated immediately?

Another fight breaks out amongst the heroes because Charles Soule didn't write this bit. Thankfully, even though Tomasi wrote the battle, nobody gets decapitated. Batman just stands down and walks away. To be fair, Captain Cold started the whole thing by putting his freeze gun up to Batman's head. I can't believe he did that and the Justice League took Cold's side when Batman disarms him! What a bunch of dicks! Captain Cold should have been immediately thrown off the team!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Darkseid's most specialest boy gets his first New 52 appearance.

Crikey, he's a big one!

Back at Wayne Manor, Superman pays Bruce a visit to apologize for the way the Justice League reacted. It's one of those touching scenes that Tomasi does so well that DC Comics would be smart to make note of. More of this friendship crap and caring for each other and less grim death and nonsense. Although it's harder for me to crack dick jokes when Clark and Bruce are being all touchy feely. Wait a second! No it isn't! I could have scanned a picture where they were being all sentimental and nice and captioned it, "Gay!" What a missed opportunity!

You know, if Tomasi and Soule wrote most of DC Comics, I think DC would sell a lot more comics. To the gays!

Since the Justice League and Superman wouldn't listen to Batman's desperate cry for help in bringing his son back to life, he gathers together the Bat-Family. They have to help him out or else they're out of the will! Too bad he forced Dick to fake his own death or he could have had added him to his Bat-army of Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, Titus, and Alfred Pennyworth (human). Alfred Pennyworth (cat) and Batcow are going to sit this one out.

Batman and Robin #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. The scene between Clark and Bruce was especially nice but what made it better was how Bruce watched Superman fly off and casually went down into the Batcave where his Bat-family were waiting and just said, "Let's get to it." Fuck the Justice League and the Hellbat armor. Crutches, I tell you! Crutches! What's needed for this mission to Apokolips is a bunch of non-super-powered mortals that have no kinds of super strength and even less invulnerability and couldn't possibly stand toe to toe with even the runtiest of all Apokoliptians! But even though the odds are stacked against them, they'll win in the end because they have the most powerful weapon in the world on their side: LOVE!

So gay!

Red Lanterns Annual #1

How much of this fight would actually be fisticuffs? Guy Gardner is a stupid jerk. Unless the cover artist is a stupid jerk. One of those.

Everybody can point to one of a million things that DC has done wrong in the last few years so let me point out another one. In their "Channel 52" portion of the comic book about the future of the Swamp Thing comic, Matt Idelson writes, "Holding to our fine tradition of making our annuals essential reading...." As you can see, he accidentally typed "fine" when he meant to type "really fucking stupid." How did an editor miss such an obvious mistake? Because they just don't care anymore. And who can blame them when they have to read and reread stories by Howard Mackie, Scott Lobdell, and Ann Nocenti to catch any continuity and grammatical errors? Their minds must be absolutely jellied by the experience.

Hopefully nobody new to the Red Lanterns decided to pick up this annual thinking that it might contain a self-contained story that might lure them into picking up the book on a regular basis, thus increasing DC's profits over the long term because they wouldn't fucking understand it. It's Part Three of a Four Part story. So fuck you, new readers! And wait! DC isn't done handing out the fuck yous! A hearty fucking fuck you to continuing readers as well since they now have to scrounge around their parents' house for loose change and not very closely watched billfolds to come up with another $4.99 this month! Because this annual continues the really fucking stupid tradition of making annuals essential reading!

Speaking of piss poor editing, please enjoy this romantic performance of "The Misplaced Space and The Missed Period."

Atrocitus wants to punish Guy Gardner by squicking everyone on Earth. Dex-Starr is also from Earth but he doesn't give a shit about a species that has no qualms about putting to death, every day, thousands of animals that they proclaim to love and cherish as pets. As long as Atrocitus leaves enough of the Earth left for cats and mice and birds to live free, Dex is probably behind the plan.

Wait. Scratch that. Fuck Atrocitus and his stupid plans!

One of Atrocitus's new Red Lanterns is named One-Heart? That was my nickname in high school! We also called this one kid "Two-Eyes." And another kid was "One-Liver." There was a kid nicknamed "Ten-Toes." And another nicknamed "Nine-Fingers." He had an accident in Algebra II. Then there was that weird kid that was nicknamed "No-Bellybutton." Where did that kid come from?!

Atrocitus's plan changes from the general skull-fuckery to an even more devastating plan: destroy all of Earth's tourist attractions! The best part about this plan is that Oregon will be left alone! There's nothing to see here!

Now New Earth no longer has an Eiffel Tower or a Grand Canyon or any Egyptian pyramids or Las Vegas or some stupid dam in China or some famous building in Spain that probably housed goats and chickens or Baltimore because the Red Lanterns completely destroyed them. So I don't want to see any more shots of Paris with the Eiffel Tower in the background, DC! It's gone! And why would anybody bother to rebuild it? Or the pyramids! Nobody is going to rebuild those. And even if they did, who would want to travel to see some pyramids that were built by modern machines?! DC's editors had better pin this shit up on their DC Continuity Corkboard because I am going to call it out every time I see one of these stupid tourist attractions intact in a future comic book! Unless they all get fixed somehow by the end of this issue. Which seems like a reasonable thing to happen since how can any Earth continue without Las Vegas?

The second part of Atrocitus's plan is to send down thousands of Red Rings because everybody on Earth is going to be awfully angry about the destruction of The City That Reads. And they are! So terribly mad that every one of them that discovers a floating, glowing red ring decides to put it on their finger! Unless that's just human greed. It might be human greed. Atrocitus may not have needed to destroy lots of things for his plan to work. Although destroying all that shit for the sheer pleasure of it was probably a nice feeling.

Guy Gardner finds out what Atrocitus is doing and he gets angry. Or angrier. Perhaps angriest. Whatever! He wants to chew ass and kick bubblegum and he's all out of ass!

The entire DC Universe gets rebooted and Guy still can't live down that time he was sucker punched by Batman!

I do like how Charles Soule reverses the whole "I don't have time for this" comic book trope. Whereas they usually don't have time to explain and waste a bunch of time fighting before they stop fighting to explain, Guy lets Batman know right up front that he doesn't have time for that whole fighting part and they should just get right down to the explanations. Which is what happens! Thank whatever fucking God allows rimjobs for Charles Soule, a comic book writer who refuses to write comics that have already been written.

Meanwhile Skallox heads down to collect Shadow Thief because he's in loooOOoooOOOoove! He wants to take her back to the Blood Ocean on Styge Prime so that she'll be ever so thankful to be back to her somewhat normal self that she'll lick his butthole clean. Sure, she's a self-proclaimed xenophobe but we saw in an earlier issue of Red Lanterns that, in reality, she's simply protesting too much. She's like one of those super anti-gay preachers that believe that being gay is a choice because they're actually gay and desperately choo-choo-choosing to live heterosexually. But they aren't fooling God! At least not that God that loves rimjobs I mentioned earlier.

I'm really, really trying to remain angry at DC Comics so I can earn a Red Ring but fucking Charles Soule keeps writing moments like this and suddenly this thing I don't understand is happening to my face, mostly around the mouth parts but sometimes sort of around the inside corner of the eye area too.

While Guy and most of his crew try to help Earth, Zilius Zox has headed to Styge Prime to shit in Atrocitus's Blood Ocean. The original owner of Zilius Zox's Flying Bar, the Kaalvar, has become a Red Lantern and is on Styge Prime to protect Atrocitus's new home. He also has a chicken beaked, brain exposed friend to help him. And also Rankorr. Surprise! He wasn't crazy at all!

A bit psychopathic, maybe. But not crazy!

It turns out Rankorr just had a really evil mindcontrolling tapeworm in his system. But he hasn't eaten in a while, so he waves a Snickers bar in front of his mouth and when the evil tapeworm sticks its head out to get really satisfied, Rankorr yanks it up and out of his throat and tears it apart. Rankorr's back! Hmm, seems only the crickets care.

Seriously though. What is wrong with the inside corners of my eyes?! WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!

Suicide Squad could learn a thing or two from Charles Soule's Red Lanterns! See how it's done? You take characters that nobody cares about, make them care about them through ritual magic of some nefarious kind, and then kill them off! It's not that hard to do!

And if you think that last panel I scanned fucked up my face in unknown ways (more ritual magic, I'd wager!), Charles Soule beats it a page or two later as Zilius Zox crashes the Kaalvar into Atrocitus's new Blood Ocean headquarters while saying, "My ship. My good ship. Thanks, girl." But even before that, he resolves one of his earlier plot threads.

If there were any doubts that Guy and Zox had become friends, this moment puts them all to rest.

Back on Earth, the rampaging new Red Lanterns are stopped when Bleez brings along the Reds' statue building friends they saved from Barg and his buddy a few issues ago. They have that weapon that calms people down and they blast Earth with it. So Earth is saved but what of the Earthlings that all became Red Lanterns? They can't just sit in the sun like Kara did. And all but one Blue Lantern are dead. I guess they'll just have to pick a Red side.

I have to say, I'd pick the side with the cat as well.

Red Lanterns Annual #1 Rating: Charles Soule should write all the DC Comics. At the very least, he should take over Red Hood and the Outlaws and Klarion the Witch Boy. It can't be too late to change writers on a comic book that hasn't even come out yet, right?

Red Lanterns #33

Did anybody bother to collect all the cover variants so they could build this entire scene?

Guy Gardner and John Stewart are the bestest of friends so I already don't believe this cover. Comic book writers know better than to pit one hero against another hero based on some stupid plot contrivance. Most comic book writers think about how normal people act in their own lives when dealing with friends and family. They realize they can count the number of times they've punched a dear friend in the face on no hands. This leads them to think, "Why would super heroes begin throwing punches every time they disagree when most people work things out through communication?" Then they write their script and go about their lives. Until a few days later when the script arrives back in the mail from their editor with notes all over the place that say, "This issue needs more action! How about making Superman punch Wonder Woman in the vagina on page four? Then Superman can maybe kick Batman in the balls on page five. So the writer goes back to the drawing board and writes a scene where Batman breaks his foot on Wonder Woman's hoo-diddly and is then kicked in half when Superman kicks him in the wobbly bits. A few days later, the script comes back in a manilla envelope with two words written in red pen: "HA" and "HA".

At some point the final script magically appears out of thin air and everybody is happy, even if it includes a short physical fight between heroes due to a misunderstanding. But don't think any writer would ever come up with that! Ridiculous!

See? The interaction between two heroes by a real writer.

Even though Guy Gardner nearly killed Atrocitus when Guy took over the Red Lanterns, he figure he needs help this time. He's probably right since Atrocitus is building an army thanks to all the Red Rings he sent out a number of issues ago. He's probably also going to need help because Skallox is a big doody headed traitor who's busy selling Guy out to Atrocitus!

John is curious as to why Guy became a Red Lantern and even though I already answered this in a previous commmentary, most people would probably rather hear it from Guy Gardner than from me. Basically, Guy has a lot of anger built up at himself and his own choices and he feels like he deserves to be a Red Lantern. You know, just like I've said previously. I've been doing this for nearly three years. When are y'all going to start trusting my judgment?

A-ha! That's why the cover artist mistakenly believed that Guy and John get in a fight this issue!

Skallox runs away from Ysmault to join up with Atrocitus on the new Red Lantern Headquarter Planet of Styge Prime, Skallox's old homeworld. I think I should take back the doody headed traitor line because it's possible Guy has put Skallox up to this mission. Just like he was chosen to infiltrate the Red Lanterns for the Green Lanterns, Guy now may be using Skallox to infiltrate Atrocitus's Red Lanterns. Or I could be completely wrong about everything. It wouldn't be the first time I was completely wrong about everything! The first time was when I decided to live my life the way I'm living it. What have I done?!

Skallox is going to become one of those spies that could be a double, triple, quadruple, or multitupular agent. Speaking of double agents, how come when people are ruining plots to old movies to be funny, nobody ever spoils No Way Out?

Back at the trading post, John Stewart gets in a brawl with some aliens that have a beef with the Green Lanterns. So, you know, he just runs into some non-Green Lantern aliens. Guy Gardner almost misses it while he's in the bathroom. Is Pulp Fiction the only movie that deals with people's fears of missing out on life by using the toilet? I'm pretty sure that was the main theme of the movie.

These Space Ports must have dozens of different bathrooms for all of the alien shaped anuses. Guy just left the one for "vaguely humanoid."

After the brawl, Guy learns that John just can't help him with his war against Atrocitus right now. He's in charge of a bunch of new recruits and he can't let any harm come to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 or I'll never read another comic book with John Stewart in it again. Besides, Atrocitus only has a small army of maniacal, angry, monstrously disfigured aliens, right?

Rings! Rings! Red Rings for Everybody!

Red Lanterns #33 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like Guy and his buddies are seriously fucked! I think need to read the Annual next to find out just how fucked they are!

Aquaman #33

Is that Aquaman's non-magical back-up trident?

When I was in college, I took a Religious Studies class because I was raised without any kind of religion at all and I was interested to learn something about the various religions that influence the people of the world. I wasn't even raised atheist. Religion and spirituality simply played no part in my upbringing. And that's the biggest difference between people that believe in evolution and people that believe in creationism. One side encourages learning and the other side discourages learning. Because the main reason a person believes in creationism is because they haven't taken the time to truly learn the intricacies of evolution. Reading about science is difficult and time consuming. It's much easier to hear somebody say, "If you found a watch in the desert, you would keep it without telling anybody because it's probably valuable. Also, you'd believe it was created by somebody somewhere even though you wouldn't want to think about it for very long because then you'd have to realize you were kind of stealing. Although people do say that thing about losers being out of luck and finders having all the rights, so it's not up to you to put any effort into finding the owner. Just like it's not up to you to put any effort into learning about how the world works when somebody already told you how the world works in like one sentence: God did it!"

Look, if you want to believe that God created everything or that God created evolution to create everything, go ahead. What do I care? But at least realize that what you're doing is just answering a question with the word "God" because finding out the real answer would take more time than you're willing to give to learning. One other thing you're doing is projecting the world outward from your desires. And, you might have to take this with a grain of faith, but the world doesn't bow to your whim. You might want your ego to live forever but just because you desperately want that doesn't mean the world has to comply with your wishes.

The previous tied in with Aquaman because he's currently fighting Chimera (The Creature King) which is a creature that was created. So when Aquaman stumbled upon him, he thought, "Look at this strange creature! Evolution sure made a mockery of itself!" What he should have been thinking was, "This creature is far too complex for billions and billions of changes which increased its ability to survive and, therefore, procreate which occurred across billions of years to ever have come into being! It was obviously created by one man for one specific purpose using dozens of creatures that evolved across billions of years and were then incorporated into one creature!" Comic books like to portray the world differently than it actually is! Remember that time Batman went to heaven?

Is "heaven" related to the word "heave"? I'm just going to believe that all words that look similar share a common root! That would mean Heaven is the place of heaving! By believing this, does this make me a Word Evolutionist or a Word Creationist? I think it just makes me wrong no matter what I call myself!

Funny how Aquaman thinks of killing these creatures "only for food" and yet every single one of his stories since Jeff Parker has taken over has been Aquaman killing creatures that are simply eating humans for food. Does that make him a hypocrite or just hungry?

Hey look! This issue is called "Meet Your Maker"! So that fits in with the way I began this rambling review! I think God, using evolution, made me psychic!

Yep. Hypocrite. Possibly also hungry.

Chimera also questions Arthur's belief that it's okay for Arthur to send the creatures to their deaths whenever he feels like it but nobody else should have that power. Arthur's belief is one of the most immature beliefs that adults fail to shed across their entire lives. It's the main reason America believes it is the only country responsible enough to have nuclear weapons or to be leaders of the world. The feeling is portrayed as being responsible and wise but it's really just being selfish, untrustworthy, blind, and fearful. To have power and think you'd wield it responsibly is easy because you don't have to put yourself in the position of everybody else that is fearing you won't use the power responsibly. But as soon as somebody else gets the power, you become fearful that they won't use it responsibly and you might be hurt by it, so you want to stop them from getting the power at all costs. And even if the power is too wildly dangerous for anybody to have (the power to destroy civilization with a nuclear barrage?), you still can't give it up because you must retain it to keep everybody else from gaining it! Or if they've already gained it, from using it on you.

Aquaman might also be thinking about the abuse and manipulation of the poor sea creatures by an irresponsible and violent being. But I think we can throw that argument out the window just by looking at this next panel:

I'm sure this giant sea turtle volunteered to be a fucking underwater taxi cab.

I'm kidding! I'm sure that sea turtle has just as decent a life as horses on a farm or dairy cows at a corporate dairy factory. Hmm, those are two wildly different points on the scale of how we treat domesticated animals. But then why should Atlantis be any different? The creatures they ride--the turtles, and sea horses, and rays--probably get treated lovingly by most of their keepers. But the whales they keep in pens for their morning milk probably suffer greatly, being kept constantly pregnant and having to watch their male children shipped off to the whale veal facility.

Aquaman is saved by some Atlantean sentries and told that some rebels had recently tried to kill Mera. Jesus Fish Christ! Don't they know to keep their mouths shut about stuff like that?! Now Aquaman is going to go into a frenzy and start slaughtering prisoners! It's a good thing Atlantis wasn't invited to the Geneva Convention. They can kill prisoners of war and use Topo Torture for information all they want. Although America was at the Geneva Convention and they seem to do those things whenever they want as well. Weird!

I think punching a prisoner in the face to get them to shut up is specifically allowed thanks to the third Geneva Convention where it was pointed out that prisoners would probably get really uppity and smart-mouthed when they found out that they couldn't be killed or tortured without it causing an international incident.

While Arthur returns to Atlantis to cause a bunch of seaquakes that he doesn't believe he's causing (but he is according to Vulko who nobody listens to anymore because he began the War of Atlantis), Chimera heads to Amnesty Bay to look for Aquaman. He causes a bit of a ruckus because he looks like a monster, so he uses his camouflage ability to become human. Also, his camouflage ability is more like a metamorphosis with lots of shedding and snot.

Aquadog nearly defeats Chimera but he's kept back by his leash and can only get a few good barks in. That's too bad. It would have been nice to see Aquadog be the hero while Aquaman never hears another word about Chimera. But that can't happen because Chimera needs to eventually remember that Aquaman helped save his life so that he'll have an identity crisis where he doesn't know if he should be a monster looking for vengeance or a grateful man asking for thanks. I think he should be a monster! Which he chooses (for now)!

Aquadog has a glass jaw.

Don't worry! Aquadog lives. So do the other two women whose names I forget even though Chimera calls one of them Erika at one point. Oh! One of them is named Erika! She's the police officer that went to high school with Arthur. The other woman is Aquadog's new best friend. Chimera finds out where Arthur has gone and leaves, letting everybody live. Except for the few people in Amnesty Bay he killed just to prove that he kills for more than just food.

Chimera leaves Amnesty Bay and hunts down Aquaman at the bedside of Doctor Shin. And that's where the biggest fight of the century* will take place!

*At least the biggest fight of the century that takes place in Aquaman #34.

Aquaman #33 Rating: No change. Batman wasn't in this issue! I keep getting fooled by these stupid 75 Years of Batman covers that I didn't ask for! I just wanted the normal covers. Unless they are the normal covers? I have no idea since I don't involve myself in secondary, tertiary, or fourthishiary sources about DC Comics. I just read the primary source and leave it at that! So even though my comic book store keeps trying to push Previews on me ("At cost! It's at cost! You can't lose!"), I have to keep adamantly standing my ground and refusing politely. "In some circles, I have heard that the word 'no' does, in fact, mean 'no.'" Then they'll be all, "Come on! Just touch it. Please?" And I have to steadfastly proclaim, "I have said my piece. Good day to you!" And then my comic book store clerk will say, as I walk out the door, "Well, I'll be in the bathroom for a few minutes of alone time with my Previews."