Aquaman Annual #1

Aquaman almost looks like he's enjoying this.

For some reason, I really thought this was the second Aquaman Annual this year. The John Ostrander Others' Interlude issue felt like an annual, I guess. Maybe it also came out the same week as a bunch of annuals. Whatever the case, now all of my "two Annuals in one year" jokes aren't going to work! And I've been writing them in my head all night! And by all night, I mean the amount of time it took to scan the cover of this issue before I noticed the huge #1 on the side.

This issue begins in the East China Sea which I don't believe is a truly sanctioned sea, so Aquaman is out of his league. Get it? League! As in an ocean term that means something oceany! I think a league is the distance a pirate ship can travel while the Captain rapes the cabin boy. Unless that's a furlong! As in, "The Captain can't last furlong now, what with his scurvy causing a bad case of limp dick. Oh and 'Arr' and whatnot."

Oh yeah! The thing about the East China Sea is that it's full of mutated fish monsters calling for help. Aquaman has decided he'll help them because nobody else is calling for his help. I mean, there was that one guy having some trouble with pop-eye in his tropical aquarium but screw him. It's like the third time in six months. He should really give up the fish hobby.

The creatures first goal (by which I mean the first goal of the person controlling the creatures. Duh!) is to attack The Operative and his grandson and his grandson's lady friend Sky (the newest The Other!). But Aquaman is there to save the day the way he never does!

I wonder when I last had fish sticks? Are fish sticks a thing you just stop eating when you reach a certain age? I remember loving it when Fish Sticks were on the weekly menu for lunch in elementary school. The thought of them definitely isn't appealing anymore. What changed?! Where did my innocence go?! I wonder if there is a reverse correlation between how much a person desires fish sticks and the amount of time one spends masturbating? I should do a study! Where's my grant money?!

It turns out the mutant fish creatures are just a distraction while the mutant winged monkeys steal Vostok's mask from out of The Operative's Living Room. I love that comic books allow me to type sentences like that. Once The Operative and Aquaman realize the true mission was to steal one of the Atlantean relics, they decide to gather the other The Others. That means Ya'wara is going to appear soon in her jungle bikini!

This is me showing lots of self-control as I refrain from doing something that I can't even mention or else I wouldn't be refraining from doing it!

The Others meet up in the Living Room so that Sky can explain their powers to the new people that haven't been reading Aquaman but decided to give the Annual a try for some reason.

Why is Aquaman being so mysterious? He's been hanging out with The Batman too much. Batman always has to have the advantage, so he never opens up about anything! I'll tell you one thing Aquaman's trident does: it blinds people! Although that might be inherent in its design and not part of its magic power.

The Others figure out that somebody named Madame Xan in Hong Kong has taken the helmet. For some reason, I'm strongly disliking this new villain! "Madame Xan?" She sounds like a cunt. She also sounds like a witch but that might be because she has flying monkeys and because everything is pointing out that she's involved in heavy magic. Hopefully she doesn't have the same weakness that the other witch with the flying monkeys had! Because that's the prefect job for somebody named Aquaman!

The Others arrive but Madame Xan is waiting for them. She sets a trap which separates them so that she can offer all of them their heart's desire if only they'll join her. I bet they all refuse because they're heroes! I think. They did originally join up to kill Black Manta, right? That's not really heroic. Maybe they'll all take Madame Xan's offers! That would be a good twist!

Oh yeah. That's why she looked so familiar on the cover!

Morgaine le Fay had a plan. She decided to become immortal so that she, well, you know, would never die and shit. But she realized the flaw in her plan! The Earth can still die! So she either needs to save it (for some reason. I think she actually just wants to kill off all the humans because they're assholes and they're annoying her) or she needs to leave the planet. And since Vostok's mask rejected her, she can't leave. So now she wants The Others to help her "save" the planet. We all know the planet doesn't really need saving. So I think she just wants to kill the humans.

Aquaman and The Others decide not to deal with her so she begins destroying Hong Kong. Why the urgency? I think she's just had a really bad day. Although it turns out Ya'wara bought into the scheme, so she begins betraying The Others. Of course. I would have guessed Aquaman would have betrayed them because he's not good at having friends. Ya'wara doesn't accomplish much without her kitty cats. While she's failing to defeat The Others, Aquaman uses the magic of his trident to defeat Morgaine le Fay. I think his trident absorbs magic or something. Maybe he just stabbed her with it. I hope he explains how he defeated her on the last page and everybody laughs uproariously.

Ya'wara quits the group but keeps her orb and everybody kind of lives happily ever after. Although the one Apache spirit in Sky's ghostland proves himself to be as inflexible as Aquaman's ancestor Orin. He tells Sky that if she walks with a white man, she'll lose her powers. What a dick! I think he just doesn't care for The Operative's grandson.

Aquaman Annual #1 Rating: Can The Others get their own title already? Not because I'm excited to read a monthly book about them. I just wish they'd let Aquaman star in his own fucking comic book. Stop hogging the spotlight, The Others!

Aquaman #24

I composed a song while I was masturbating. I'm very good at multitasking! It's sung to the tune of Spiderman. Or Spiderpig. Whichever came first.

Aquaman! Aquaman! Sleeps alone in a frying pan!
Talks to fish! Any size!
Don't you wish you had his thighs?
Look out! Here comes The Ba-atman!

He was lame! Now he's cool! He's an under water fool!
Go to space? What a waste. Stays at home all alone!
Lighthouse! Where you'll find Aquaman!

In the chill of the sea with Atlantis at war
Covered in fishy pee he's a big dolphin whore!

Aquaman! Aquaman! Is something that you'll never hear
From anyone in trouble! Unless in an underwater bubble.
Look out! Don't buy that Aquaman comic!

Thank you! Thank you! You can purchase it on iTunes since there were no sexual situations in it.

So last issue, Aquaman woke up to find he'd been asleep for six months. I think that was because he needed a beard for the next story.

I had the same reaction the first time I saw a Giraffe. Sadly, one year later, there was no Savannaman.

Aquaman's mom is hot. She's a MILF! Mermaid I'd like to fillet.

Vulko is telling Aquaman the story of his life story from conception to becoming king of Atlantis. Actually, those are the only two parts of the story. He leaves out the entire middle. He's the shittiest story teller I've ever seen. I mean, right after Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell, of course. Aquaman's first question is, "Six months?!"

His second question is, "Really? A band-aid? No wonder I was out for six months!"

Eventually Arthur asks where Mera has gotten to. Vulko explains that he last saw her battling the Dead King, so she could be anywhere. But, you know, she's probably dead. And lastly, Arthur asks where he is. My guess is the Gobi Desert!

Bingo! Of course I meant the one in Antarctica.

Antarctica is where old characters go to be frozen beneath gigantic blocks of ice. It's where The First Born and The Dead King lived for centuries. I guess it's time to put Aquaman on ice. Too bad. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I hope he battles a penguin army first.

Vulko brought Aquaman here to see The Dead King's old apartment. I wonder if The First Born and The Dead King shared a space? Probably not. Rental space in the depths of Antarctica probably isn't in high demand. Aquaman takes Vulko with him to explore the Dead King's Studio (The First Born probably had a cozy loft) and the editor (Matt!) reminds me that the Dead King first made his appearance way back in Issue #18. Really? Can this story take any longer?!

Aquaman discovers a giant throne surrounded by seven statues and is told that this is "THE SECRET OF THE SEVEN SEAS!" What's the big deal? That each one was ruled by a different person with a different special weapon? I bet there were a lot of turf wars between the ruler of the North Atlantic with the ruler of the South Atlantic! Probably not with the rulers of the North and South Pacific though. West coasters are way more chill. To find out the secret, Aquaman must sit in the Dead King's Throne. And suck a big ass ice dick, apparently.

Those are the eyes of a man who has been forced into this position before.

Atlantis's history penetrates deep into Aquaman's mind. He learns that his ancestor was a racist dirtbag that believed integration was destroying the purity of the Atlantean race. I mean, he was a racist because he believed that was a bad thing. He was actually correct that integration was changing the genetic stock of the Atlantean people. He didn't realize that that's the best way to improve the species over long periods of time and the worst thing you can do for a people is to keep them isolated for many generations. So Aquaman's ancestor was racist and stupid. Although to be fair, he was probably smarter than the filthy races Atlan the King of Atlantis was bringing in to mix with the Atlanteans.

"If we want to interbreed until our children's blood leaks continually from out of their anuses and their skulls grow too small for their brains, that's our proud decision!"

If only Aquaman's ancestor could see his dirty, half-human progeny, he'd probably put an Atlantean Blunderbuss into his mouth and pull the Seahorse tail.

Aquaman's ancestor Orin drove King Atlan out, took the throne, and killed Atlan's family. Atlan went off to forge the Mystic Artifacts that The Others now use. Once he was finished, he returned to Atlantis, slew Orin and his queen, and sunk the entire city. The rest of the long years of Atlantis's history can be summarized in a single page because it wasn't full of King on King action.

You can see The Trench didn't believe in King Orin's message of purity. They've definitely been fucking piranha.

So Aquaman learns that his ancestors from long ago were racist dicks. Who cares? This entire scenario is perfect! Arthur never wanted to be king of Atlantis anyway! So now he needs to seek an audience with The Dead King, publicly apologize for his ancestors, and give up all rights to the throne. Then he can go back to the Lighthouse to feed his starving dog.

Aquaman #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope Aquaman is banished from the ocean! He might even have to change his entire superhero theme. He'd better start practicing telepathy on Marsupials! He can become Downunderman!

Superman #24

Triple Yippee Yay! The end of the Psi War!

Why was Mike Johnson brought in to finish Scott Lobdell's Psi War story? Was Editorial sick of Lobdell's Psionic Story not going anywhere? So they called in Mike Johnson to clean it up before Lobdell began his ridiculous Krypton Returns story? How do I know it's ridiculous when I haven't read it yet? Because it was written by Scott Lobdell, of course! Where have you been for the last two years? Reading Marvel? Well, if you were, lucky you. I wonder if anybody would notice if I stopped reading the 26 worst DC books and just began picking up Marvel comic books?

Last issue, Blue Lightning Lois Lane arrived to knock Psycho Pirate's mind dick out of Superman's brain sphincter. This issue begins by learnin' us about Lois Lane's 3rd Grade experience of being struck by lightning. She wrote a paper about it and it was published in the local paper. I don't know where Lois Lane grew up but now I know it was a place where an eight year old was as competent at writing newspaper stories as the adults. I suppose it might have been a gimmick by the local paper to sell more papers. "Read the SHOCKING firsthand account of the little girl ravaged by nature's fury!" But Lois Lane would never let a little girl scoop her! Fuck that sentimental shit! Lois would have gotten the story if she'd had to set the little girl's backpack on fire.

I read this immediately as "part of this story." And I was sympathetic.

Psycho Pirate defeats Lois and then takes off to turn everybody in Metropolis into emotional basketcases. He says he's freeing them from the shackles of civility or something. I guess that means freeing them from the ability to be kind and generous and peaceful as well. As if the only reason people don't rape and kill every other person is because society made some rules and we've all been brainwashed to follow them. If Psycho Pirate really is freeing everybody to act on "pure emotion," most people are going to feel empathy as strongly as any of the others. The only thing that would really happen would be a small percentage of sociopaths that were previously "passing" due to enforced laws would start acting inappropriately. So they'd probably start spitting on other people and killing too. Both of those things are inappropriate!

Lois heals Superman with her psychic powers but I guess she can control her powers well enough to keep from reading his mind. Although I'm sure she's quite curious to know his secret identity. And she's a reporter who must always get the scoop! So my guess is that she's going to pry a little bit and find out he's Clark Kent. Once she discovers it though, she'll decide to keep it to herself because he's a good friend. But she'll probably also decide he's a better catch than that other jerk she's been dating. What was his name? Steve? Mark? Dildo?

Once Superman is okay, Hector Hammond reappears. He's soon followed by one more old friend.

She merely looks like every other creator of a Social Media Website.

The people of Metropolis begin killing the fuck out of each other because Psycho Pirate took away their civility. "See, civilization is basically a big lie that we all buy into." Yes, that's how civilization works. But it's not a lie. It's a way to survive and to thrive as a species. We have the time to create and invent and think and relax when we agree to not steal the neighbor's shit and fuck her cute little dog Merle. She trusts that I won't do that and I trust that she won't burn my fucking house down. Sure, sometimes we break the rules a bit in an effort to get along as peacefully as possible. Like how she had some industrial sized wind chimes hanging right on the other side of my bedroom and I decided that sucked so I went out one morning and cut out the clapper so I could get some sleep. Was it a civil solution to the problem? Probably not. But nobody lost face and I get to sleep! Psycho Pirate continues with "It's not the natural state of things." No, it's not the "natural" state of things. But the natural state of things also isn't everybody running riot killing each other for no reason. As I said before, you take away civility and rules and you'll still have people who are filled with kind emotions instead of selfish ones and people filled with bravery instead of fear. Society wouldn't necessarily fall apart. We're still basically pack animals. And while a few pack animals fight over their place in the pack, most of them are content to just hang out and enjoy the protection of the group.

I'm not unsympathetic to the idea that phrases like "please" and "thank you" aren't mostly used as bullshit politeness. After all, I am the guy that has decided to stop shaking hands since it's far too aggressive an act. But I'm not certain I'm ready to admit that my "true self" is an eight year old cannibal.

Psycho Pirate believes he's saving the city. And Superman arrives to stop him using the only means Superman understands, especially when things get too cerebral or magicky: start punching stuff in the face!

I just pointed that out, Psycho Pirate! Stop reading my mind or being omniscient or whatever! Jerk.

Luckily the Psionics arrive to back up Superman. Speaking of psionics, when I first got into Dungeons and Dragons in the 5th Grade, my cousins and I were not really big followers of the rules. Or readers of them, actually. We mostly made up our own rules. We also, apparently, didn't understand the rules we half-assedly read either. Somehow we got it into our minds that Infravision was a psionic power that could cause people's heads to blow up. We also called it "in-fray-sion." I have a feeling this was a rule foisted on me by my Cousin Jerry because I would never have made that mistake with my reading comprehension! I have the standardized test score results to back me up!

Anyway, Lois realizes the Psycho Pirate needs to lose the Medusa Mask. Separating him from the mask is possibly the only way to beat him. And that sounds like, finally, a job for Superman! Or The Flash but he isn't around. Too bad once the task is done, Superman is too stupid and weak-willed to keep from shoving the mask on his own stupid Kryptonian face.

Okay, Lois. We get it! You know his secret. Now how about not shouting it in front of the entire city, hunh?

Superman is able to pull off the Medusa Mask and destroy it which sucks for anybody hoping for future appearances of Psycho Pirate that aren't written by Scott Lobdell and whomever Editorial can drudge up to finish Lobdell's shitty stories. The people of Metropolis are now free of Psycho Pirate's influence but they're once again under the control of the Iron Prison of Civilization! Ha ha! Losers! And then Lois Lane begins to fade away. My guess is Electric Blue Lois will simply fade out of existence and Lois Lane will wake up again in the hospital with no memories of the events of this story.

This is a nice moment that I'm not going to ruin with a dick joke. Although I've got a pretty good one about a vagina! No, no. I'll abstain.

Lois actually just loses her Electric Blue costume and morphs back into normal Lois in normal clothing. Clark Kent returns her to the hospital where she remains in a coma. Then he's sucked out into space to take part in the greatest comic book story to ever be told at either Marvel or DC! At least according to Scott Lobdell.

Superman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad the Psi War is over, so that's a plus. But the story overall was a big miss. So that's a minus. But I did like the moment with Superman and falling-into-a-coma Lois. So that's a plus! I hate that all of the psychics just simply disappeared at the end of the comic book. What kind of stupid resolution is that? Minus! But I also like that Lois Lane now knows Superman's identity. That's a plus and I hope she actually retains the memory when she comes back around. It seems highly unlikely though.

Talon #12

Even splitting his time between Forever Evil and all of the Bat-titles and kicking Batwoman's ass, he still has time to drop by and bitchslap the fuck out of Talon. Bravissimo!

Last issue, I was incredibly bored. So let's see what happens this month!

The year is 1852. Horror has been seeing a therapist to talk through its issues with itself. Why does it thrive in the dark? Must it always be so? Is the darkness where Horror truly belongs? It really would like to move past the darkness since the darkness is awash in the afterbirth of Fear's becoming, and full of pollen from Terror's blooming. But Horror knows it belongs in the dark as well even though it longs for something more. It's full of ambition and no closet can hold it any longer! No longer will it be relegated to the cramped, musty spaces under the bed! It's tired of being imagined! It needs to show the world what it can do! Except it must be a lazy piece of shit because it's now 2013 and Horror has yet to make a name for itself.

Since Horror's story is such a bust, I guess we have to follow Batman and Talon as they search for the Court of Owls. I think they still need to save Casey's kid, Sarah. She's enrolled in Owl School which is the opposite of Bat School and a complete waste of time. Which makes it exactly like regular school!

Oh! The story about Horror was a metaphor for The Gotham Butcher!

Hey! Wake up! I've barely even gotten into the meat of this thing and you're already falling asleep?! Look, I don't want to have to read this comic book and try to write clever things about it. I really just want to sleep and eat and shit and masturbate and play Call of Duty. But sometimes, as adults, we have to do things we don't want to do. Like read comic books. I do like The Gotham Butcher though! But I don't want to see his backstory where he was too deranged for even the Court of Owls to handle. I feel like Tynion has given enough of that for us to understand the character. I don't need to keep being reminded that he's a monster!

The Court of Owls realizes they should probably never have given Felix Harmon another chance to walk the streets of Gotham. So they attempt to put him down by detonating the Liquid Nitrogen Bath Beads they stuffed into his head. When it doesn't work, they realize that maybe telling your slave monsters how you're keeping them in line isn't the best idea when your slave monsters are indestructible, immortal creatures that can perform brain surgery on themselves. Sure, they die a few times on the operating garbage bin. But that's what regeneration is for! Anyway, the Court of Owls has now lost control of yet another asset. I think it's about time The Court of Owls just went gently into that good night. Seriously. Even Dylan Thomas would agree on this one.

Casey is currently staying in Wayne Enterprises because that building hasn't had quite enough damage over the last few months.

Lucius Fox knows Casey because they're both BLiG (Black Living in Gotham). Unless it was because he knew her father since they were both big shot corporate electrical engineering wizards. It's probably whichever of those makes me sound less ignorant. Lucius is outfitting Casey with her own mechanical talon since The Gotham Butcher cost her an arm. Now she'll be part robot and Calvin is part corpse! It'll be hardest on their offspring who will probably be judged by the robots and the undead both when she grows up. They're such insular groups! Although maybe she's the Chosen One who will unite the Robots and the Undead!

Well, Lucius isn't as great an electrical engineering wizard as I thought! BliG it is! I wonder if he knows Bleak Michael too?

Batman arrives to let Calvin know that after Calvin finds The Gotham Butcher, Calvin needs to call Batman so Batman can take care of it. And then Calvin is going into retirement in a cryo-tube in Blackgate Prison. Batman should probably think twice about threatening people, especially escapadiliogolists. Now Calvin probably won't contact Batman at all when he finds The Gotham Butcher! Why should he?! Fuck Batman and his control issues! What a dick.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Clark and The Gotham Butcher have decided to team up to destroy Gotham City. And they shouldn't have to worry about Bane and his invasion of Gotham City because nobody knows where Bane or his island has gone. I guess Forever Evil is taking place in a pocket dimension! Earth 0.05, perhaps.

Talon #12 Rating: No change. I still don't care for Undead Calvin Rose but I do care for The Gotham Butcher! He's such a sweet teddy bear. Who else can burn 117 orphan children to death and still leave you laughing?

Batman: The Dark Knight #24

What the fuck? I thought we were through with Clayface already!

Last issue, Batman and Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham City Police Department finally captured Clayface. This month, Clayface is once again on the cover. Unless that's Cthulu. Or the Kraken. Batman with a really bad case of diarrhea?

This issue begins with Clayface explaining his criminal motivations to the man in the cell next to his, a fan of Basil Karlo. Clayface merely needed an audience. He needed the attention and the fame. He needed eyes on him and people talking about his performance. Clayface a criminal? No, no. He is an Artist!

Or a needy asshole. But why quibble over terms?

No need to quibble. Needy asshole it is!

Poor Clayface. His adult life as a super villain has turned out just like his high school years. He's just trying to fit in but none of the cool kids in the Crime Syndicate want him hanging around. At least his new jail buddy adores him. Although he's probably a paid actor himself helping to keep Clayface's mind preoccupied and prevent him from escaping.

Basil spent years trying to be noticed but nobody found him interesting. Probably because he didn't find anything interesting himself. He was so desperate for people to notice him that he was ignoring himself as well. He seemed to be into old horror movies judging by the posters in his room. I'm sure he could have found friends in that shared interest and then he wouldn't have been so desperate to be noticed. Sure, those friends would have been depressing middle aged men that could quote entire B movie scripts for no good fucking reason but at least he would have had some buddies! He could have sat around in an undusted (as opposed to dusty. This is a critically exact description I'm making here!), bitter smelling, dark apartment at a folding table with three or four older men playing marathon sessions of Magic the Gathering. One of the guys would probably have turned a set of cards into some old time monster movie playing card game that only he really knew all of the rules for playing it. I think there would also be many fleas and three mangy cats named Frohike, Byers, and Langly.

But instead of doing that, Basil simply grew older and more alone and less interesting. So he did what the rest of us wind up doing when stuck in that position. Make a deal with the devil while on the verge of sleep after crying for twenty minutes straight, lying in the slowly drying puddle of our own bodily emissions which we didn't even enjoy producing but we just needed to feel something.

Except Basil's devil wasn't imaginary.

Later Basil snorted the clay and found that he could mimic any face. He found that he could perfectly express any emotion. It took practice but he had a lot of time for that since he didn't have any friends and nobody particularly liked him. The jobs began pouring in and people started to like him. Just imagine if he'd been into practicing before snorting the Skinwalker Cube! I bet he could have made an honest living as an actor! But who fucking likes hard work? It's hard! And it's work! Fuck that shit. Let's go do some ecstasy instead!

Fame and fortune followed. But that's the kind of thing you should expect when you deal with the devil! He knows how to make good on a contract. Unlike that God fellow who works in mysterious ways by giving you cancer and allowing your daughter to drown when she was just barely two. Thanks a lot, God! I guess I learned something!

Yeah, like God is a dick. That's all I learned! At least when you deal with the devil, you know he's going to come back and try to screw you. But at least he'll have made good on the initial promise by giving you whatever you wanted. That's important! So after all the fame and fortune and discovering he could replicate other people simply by touching them, Basil finally gets the callback he's been dreading. The Penguin wants his due.

He should just transform into somebody with less stress.

Clayface is left with only one person in his life: The Penguin. And so he continued to do The Penguin's jobs until Batman caught him, he was thrown in Arkham, and he met his bestiest friend ever. Too bad his life story was so shitty and depressing that his bestie killed himself during the tale. Oh well! That's life!

Afterward, Clayface fakes a choking incident which the idiot doctors fall for. Look at him! Look at what his body can do! Do you really think he can choke? Or breathe, for that matter? I bet he doesn't even need to eat! How does he have any organs that do anything? He probably gets nutrients like a whale! You know, if a whale were a land animal and plankton were floating in the air. It's not a perfect analogy but that's what makes it an analogy! You don't use an analogy to make an apt comparison with the original situation! You use an analogy to muddy the water and make your side of an argument seem better by using shadow puppetry and legerdemain! Anyway, the big act wins Clayface an Oscar. And by Oscar, I really mean his freedom. Because now he's able to escape which means another fucking Clayface issue next month! I can't believe when this whole Clayface story began, I thought it was over after the first issue! I'm such an idiot.

Batman: The Dark Knight #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets a thumbs up from me because it was nice to see some of Clayface's history, even though he was a pathetic jerk.

The Flash #24

Reverse-Flash really is a stupid name, isn't it?

The Reverse-Flash story has officially gone on too long now. I am the arbiter of stories that have gone on too long which is why I said "officially" in the previous sentence. Mostly I'm just tired of typing a hyphen every time I have to type his name because the first try usually looks like this: Reverse=Flash. Or this: ReversFlash. That last one is because I hit the backspace instead of the dash. I apparently have no aptitude for typing with the pinky on my right hand. Plus, who gave it control of so many different keys on the keyboard?! It's shouldering so much of the work for such a tiny digit. It's got eleven fucking keys to manage and that's ignoring the Function keys across the top of the keyboard that I never really use. Well, I do use PrtSc occasionally but when I do, I hit it with my index finger. So that doesn't count.

The Flash has currently been dragged back in time to witness Reverse-Flash deal with his daddy issues. Also witnessing this: Reverse-Flash's alter ego, Little Daniel West and his sister, Little Iris. Little Iris and Little Daniel don't take kindly to their father nearly being murdered in front of their eyes, even if he was an incredible shitheel. Aren't the Shitheels a college basketball team?

Apparently going back in time and punching yourself in the stomach causes you to turn into a Werewolf.

The Flash beats Reverse-Flash by making him cry. Then Barry absorbs Daniel's powers, travels back in time, fixes time, travels forward in time, saves the world, and wonders how the fuck he did it all. I think Buccellato and Manapul also decided this story had gone on long enough and just decided to wrap it up in a few crazy double page montages that even The Flash doesn't really understand. Ta-da! Day saved! How? The Speed Force, bitches! It just works!

Iris hugs her brother and he says, "Fuck y'all! I'll change time and keep it changed next time! Which is now! But not really now. Just figuratively now because it's time travel and, well, you know. It gets kind of complicated." Then Iris goes, "My brother is an idiot!" And Dr. Elias screams, "Terror attack! Terror attack!" And The Flash goes, "U.S.A! U.S.A!" And his shadow is like, "Look at me! I'm a lightning bolt!" And Dr. Elias is all, "Let's make Salt Angels!" And the audience laughs and laughs.

Bazinga!

I think Barry has a Patty Party to get to now. Patty looks hot. Not as sexy as Iris in her Flash costume though. I'll miss that.

Afterward, Barry visits Dr. Elias to threaten him because Barry can't stand how he relies on science to figure things out instead of syrupy sentimentality. How dare he trust numbers and not his heart! He'd better fucking stop that or The Flash will put him in jail for Science Crimes!

Also afterward, Iris visits Daniel in jail to show him that she has a healthy relationship with her past even if a lot of it was crappy. She understands that changing the past kills who you are in the present. Maybe Daniel understands that as well. What he's really trying to do is an elaborate form of suicide. He can't stand who he's become and if he's going to kill himself, at least he can give the boy he was another life even at the expense of his sister's happiness. And probably a lot of other people's happiness as well! The scene also shows that Daniel still retains some of his Reverse-Flash powers. So he'll be back! What a shock, eh?

This is why Barry Allen is The Reverse Reverse-Flash!

Too bad for all The New 52 haters out there. Barry is currently against a new Flashpoint! Maybe he'll change his mind later when DC needs another infusion of cash.

The Flash #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Two years later and the initial run of The Flash is over! It really feels like the various plots up until this point have all sort of tied together to tell one long tale. It's been well told and had gorillas and time travel and an idiot named Mob Rule. Manapul and Buccellato have done one of the best jobs setting up their title hero's world. DC harped on about World Building early on in The New 52 but they fucked up a lot of it by trying to force connections quickly. The Flash's world has a really solid foundation now. A few other titles have also done this well. Scott Snyder's Batman. Williams and Blackman's Batwoman. I think Swamp Thing and Animal Man have as well, although with maybe a few more missteps than the others. Demon Knights and Dial H were killing it on the world building but DC gave up on those titles because comic book fans have no taste. I'm sure there are some others but this ain't no retrospective! It's The Flash commentary, man!

All Star Western #24

He'll take 'em all!

Gotham City Police tried to arrest Jonah Hex last issue for saving citizens and other assorted bullshit. But Bruce Wayne and his lawyers have come to Hex's defense! Which probably means that this issue will be like an episode of Perry Mason. If that's true, then I predict the guilty party will confess four minutes before the program is over. Just like always!

Establishing herself in the real New 52 continuity, Bethany Snow delivers a news report about the incident.

I want to read A Face Full of Violence!

Hex spends an hour or so in court before he's set loose on the twentieth century. Nobody would dare try to convict him for acting as heroically as he did. In the end, Jeremiah Arkham and Bruce Wayne both just let him walk out to make his way in the world with no money and no idea how anything works and no knowledge of Pokemon or Spongebob Squarepants. He's going to be so fucking freaked out!

I suppose he's a cowboy! On a steel horse, he rides!

Jonah and Gina have hit the road to hunt down some of Hex's old treasure stashes. Jonah Hex has become a cultural icon via internet footage of his violent exploits in Gotham. Everyone seems impressed that he simply walked away without wanting any fame or any rewards. He's also come to the attention of John Constantine. And just when I was hoping Jonah Hex was going to remain in the present for awhile. Although the chapter title was "We Know What You're Thinking and You're Wrong," so maybe it's some other British guy that loves smoking!

Jonah Hex finds some of his treasure, cashes in some gold, and gets a new set of pistols. Much newer than his Colts! He decides on a pair of Desert Eagles. Now if he can manage to get these things back to the 19th Century with a nice supply of ammunition, he can take over the West!

Afterward they stop in at Burning Man. Trivia tidbit: my best friend from high school's sister runs the company that supplies portable toilets to Burning Man.

Jonah and Gina run into Constantine at Burning Man where a major Demon is going to be set loose on the world. Again. Every time, Burning Man! Every. Fucking. Time. Can we cool it with the demon releasing already?

All Star Western #24 Rating: No change. This story was definitely just a bit of an intermission. But it had, as usual, some really nice character driven moments. And nobody is fucking worried about The Crime Syndicate!