Green Arrow #22

There's never enough barfing when Count Vertigo is around. I hope The New 52 fixes that.

I began this entry about an hour ago and look how far I've progressed! Stupid internet. Here's a timeline of my last hour:

4:02 AM. Type caption under image of cover.
4:03 AM. What the fuck do I write about now?
4:04-409 AM. Pet cat in my lap.
4:10 AM. Oh yeah! I was going to discuss how Modern American Horror Movies constantly have to tell their audiences that they're based on a true story. Stop with the fucking bullshit, Hollywood. It just tells me you're target audience is superstitious morons. If you're a superstitious moron, I apologize. I know this isn't new. I read The Amityville Horror in 5th Grade and the book was full of blurbs about how true it was. But it seemed Jason and Michael and Freddy killed that aspect of Horror Movies for quite awhile. But then it came back. When? I'm not sure. Maybe with The Blair Witch Project which didn't actually sell itself as based on a true story but created an internet campaign to create a question as to whether it's real footage or not. But now we get things like Paranormal Party where the movie ends and the film studio credits come up and the screen goes black for about ten to twenty seconds and then the credits roll. Because they want the illusion to persist even after the movie is over! Nobody wants to know that the woman that the demon just ate wasn't really named Sarah Blankenship but Rachael Coup d'Etat. I wonder if Japanese Horror Movies tell their audiences that they are based on real stories? I doubt it because if I saw that, I'd get the fuck right out of Japan!
4:11 AM. I didn't write all of that stuff. Instead I thought, "You know, Jim Shooter was desperate to reboot Marvel in the seventies with his 'Big Bang" idea. I wonder what he thinks of the New 52?"
4:12 AM. Lord Google introduces me to Jim Shooter's Blog.
4:15-5:00 AM. I was reading Jim Shooter's reviews of Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 and Catwoman #1 and Batman #1. Holy fuck. That guy nitpicks like me on speed. Now I see why so many writers and artists hated him during his reign as Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics. Red Hood was just as bad as Jim Shooter concludes. But he concludes it by pointing out so many inconsequential details, that I arrive at the end of the article just thinking he's a bitter old man that must have had his vanilla pudding stolen by Scott Lobdell. Granted, I agree with him on a lot of points he raised. But his old man attacks at Rocafort's layouts just had me laughing. "Why is that panel a rhombus?! What is going on here? Why does that panel overlap that other panel? NONSENSE FOR NONSENSE'S SAKE! Look at all the wasted space!" He was equally hard on Catwoman. And then he picked apart Greg Capullo on Batman pretty handily before saying how much he liked Batman #1. Well, thank fuck for that.
5:01 AM. Question my entire existence based on what I just read. "Is that what I sound like? Am I a bitter old fart like Jim Shooter? What's become of my life? How did I get to this point, sitting in my underwear wearing a jersey that says "Popular" in place of a player's name?
5:02 AM. I realize I was supposed to be reading Green Arrow. I should get on that!
5:03 AM. Write the previous shit!

It's now 5:38 AM and it didn't take me 35 minutes to write the timeline, so I must have fudged the timing of the entries. Anyway, I guess it's time to read Green Arrow!

The issue begins with Green Arrow fighting his way past a small army of guards and into what I'm going to presume is a castle since this is Eastern Europe and he's about to fight a Count.

I don't know how he did it but I know why he did it: Sorrentino ran out of red ink due to I, Vampire.

If Ann Nocenti were still writing, Green Arrow would not have been amazed by the green flames. He would have expounded on what metals need to be added to the combustion to get the flames to burn green. But this is Lemire Arrow and I don't think he's as smart as Nocenti Arrow. He definitely seems more willing to kill if he's setting guys on fire. Perhaps the Flame Arrows expel fire extinguishing materials after the bad guys are disabled by severe third degree burns.

Green Arrow defeats every single guard in the castle because these guards apparently guard castles like Call of Duty Red Shirts (the other players on my team that aren't in my party of friends) defend positions. Why do they always leave their defensive position when they hear gunshots from the other direction? We don't need everybody shooting at every target, dumbass! And what the hell is up with Red Shirts moving into position between you and the window you're sniping from? At least now that I'm playing Hardcore, I can shoot them myself. Learn a fucking lesson, moron!

Oh, my point was that every single guard in the castle rushes Green Arrow and he defeats them all. Now there is nobody left to guard the castle as he explores.

So far, Lemire's Naomi is most like Giffen's Naomi. That's a Naomi I can live with. And boink! Because boinking and living together often go thingy in thingy! Like on Laverne and Shirley!

I bet if I posted the "thingy in thingy" out of context, I could get hundreds of notes with people telling me how fucking sexist I am to believe that boinking has to involve putting anything into any other thing! They'd completely miss the point that I just switched the word "hand" to something more sexy like a thingy and that's the reason for using "in". But then I clarified with Laverne and Shirley because that would be some trick to get Shirley's thingy in Laverne's thingy. I'm not saying it can't be done! I just said it would be some trick. And I'd pay to see that trick! Also on that show, Lenny and Squiggy were also living together. And remember that sexist thing I said about people living together? I bet that's why they always looked so greasy and sweaty.

Hopefully Nick at Nite played Laverne and Shirley during the nineties or a good percentage of you won't know what I'm talking about.

Deep in the castle (so probably in the dungeon!), Green Arrow finds the Dragon he had come looking for.

She kisses him when he unchains her and I feel obligated to scan all kissing. I figure I owe something more than writing my pre-comic reading rituals in excruciating detail to my horndog audience.

After the kiss, the comic book returns to a few days ago to explain Green Arrow and his team's plan. I think maybe my comic book was put together incorrectly! Why do I care about the plan to save the Dragon when he's already saved the Dragon? Stupid fancy comic book writers. I bet Jim Shooter is just losing his shit over this!

Jim Shooter: "What the...? *SPLUTTER* Why would Lemire...? This should have been the opening! I guess if DC is trying to sell crap to their fans, they're succeeding in their mission statement. Garbage! Utter refuse!"

Hey, Jim Shooter! Welcome to my cast of characters! I can't wait to hear what you have to say about Nocenti's Catwoman!

The team discuss Zytle, the criminal monarch of Vlatavania.

Nice one, Fyff!

I like the reverse Oliver Queen life of Zytle. And since Zytle is most likely Count Vertigo, it's even more perfecter! Because Green Arrow's super power is concentrating really well and Count Veritgo's power is making people concentrate poorly! See how those things are opposite? I was going to say Count Vertigo's power is creating lots of barf and Green Arrow's power is creating lots of shit but Ann Nocenti isn't writing him anymore so that statement isn't as true as it could have been a few months ago. In factitty fact fact fact, I actually like Green Arrow so far this issue! Not only that, I like Fyff and Naomi! What the fuck is wrong? I don't remember ordering a White Chocolate Mocha with Raspberry Syrup and Xanax this morning!

After that scene with Fyff being funny and Naomi trying awfully hard to look like Tig without the band-aids, the comic book returns to the point just after the kiss.

The Dragon calls Green Arrow "Robert" which confuses the fuck out of me. Robert? Who the fuck is Robert? Green Arrow says he's not Robert, that Robert was...and then he stops, thinking better of it. Wait a second. Was Robert Oliver's Dad's name? I have a quick consult with Lord Google and discover this is true. Then why the fuck was I calling him Dick Queen last issue? I'm positive Emerson called him Richard! So now I have to dig into my comic book boxes and pull out Green Arrow #21 to prove that I'm not totally Batman shit crazy times.

See?! Dick! To be fair, this all takes place during a hallucination! But still, look for it to be edited in the trade!

So the Dragon thinks Ollie is his dad but when he denies being Dick Robert,she realizes he must be Ollie. Finally somebody sees through the stupid little domino mask and the padded crotch.

And then Count Vertigo makes an appearance. He looks like a Munchkin Surfer that was shot in the head. I did like how when he began using his power, it was represented by pieces of the panel askew as if they were falling out of place. But Count Vertigo looks like the Wicked Witch of the West's bunghole.

My main complaint is he doesn't look anything like a Count. But I suppose he did grow up in Canada, so this is about right.

Meanwhile in Seattle, somebody is killing thugs with bullets. I hope it's Tommy Monoghan!

But that scene doesn't really go anywhere. It just shows that the gangs of Seattle aren't working together. I didn't know Seattle had gangs. It doesn't strike me as very realistic. What are they ganging? Coffee smuggling? Perfectly legal marijuana sales? Signing independent rock groups? Tsk tsking people for not recycling or composting?

Getting back to something more realistic, Green Arrow has become nearly incapacitated by Count Vertigo. He's nearly down when Fyff comes up with a plan. The plan is to toss his arrows. This is where I'd normally make a toss his cookies joke but I don't want to suddenly be hungry for cookies.

Damn it.

Fyff, being a wonton delivery genius, has added remote detonators to all of Green Arrow's arrows. So when Green Arrow throws the quiver near Vertigo, Fyff sets off an electromagnetic pulse arrow. Hey, Fyff. I'm fairly certain you could have done that without Ollie needing to throw the quiver. Perhaps it only has a radius of about a foot so it doesn't fuck up everything else in the area. But now that it went off around all of Ollie's other arrows, does that mean they're all shorted out? I hope so! At least Vertigo is down since he has that vertigo-inducing implant in his head.

As Green Arrow and Shado (the Dragon Lady!) escape, Ollie has enough panels left for one last question and answer session. And this one leads to a really good secret that Lemire just gives the readers instead of teasing them for sixteen issues! Wait, has Lemire been around that long? For what seemed like sixteen issues!

From the back, Count Vertigo looks like Where's Waldo?!

Oh yeah. She finishes by saying, of course, that Robert is Emiko's father and that Emiko is Ollie's sister! Dun dun DUN! It takes a full page for the revelation because Sorrentino had to show that this news stopped Green Arrow in his tracks, dumbfounded. Emphasis on the dumb!

Green Arrow #22 Rating: +5 Ranking. Holy fuck! An actual issue of Green Arrow that I really, really, really liked! I like Green Arrow! I like his team! I like the revelation! I don't really care for Count Vertigo's new look but I guess he was designed for all the new young hep cats to totally dig his groovy style. Can you believe this? It only took DC 22 issues to make Green Arrow into a good comic book! Why did they give up on all the other titles? Static Shock could be good by now! Especially since it was getting interesting right about when it ended. And Mister Terrific and Blue Beetle would be the best comics out there if they'd made it to Issue #22! But not Hawkman. That was the shittiest shit in Diarrheaville.

Earth 2 #14

Time for some fun, escapist literature!

Steppenwolf, your hour of dickitude is over. Earth 2 has a penultimatum for you! Stop being a dick! See, I think the stop being a dick is the penultimatum and if he doesn't stop being a dick, then the ultimatum kicks in which is leave or we'll throw you out. And since those two option are really just the same option, a smart person would leave of their own accord. Steppenwolf probably doesn't think that the heroes of Earth 2 can throw him out though, so he probably thinks the ultimatum has some subtext reading, "Unless you're too powerful for us and then you can ignore the ultimatum after you kick all of our asses." I think all ultimatums have that loophole!

Okay, so Steppenwolf needs to be removed from the seat of power in Dherain. Here's the plan. First, the World Army will....

Fine. Forget the plan. Just rush in flinging magic and light.

It turns out Alan Scott and the others actually have a plan. It's called "leaving out the women." Where the fuck is Hawkgirl? Oh yeah, she's detectivanting all over China. That's where you do detective work as you gallivant. It was all the rage in Edwardian times. Now I want to write a comic book about Detectivanting! The activity would strike the fancy of the younger Lords and Ladies with substantial amounts of their parents' money to spend. The series would follow one group of fairly unlikable snobs as they set off for Europe or America or Africa on Detectivanting Excursions. They would pay for the pleasures of prearranged intrigues but their frivolous pursuits would eventually lead the whole world into war. There would also be a lot of sex.

Actually, Alan Scott's plan (before I was derailed by my new comic book idea that I'll never write) was to leave the World Army out of his plan and go into Dehrain with just The Flash and Doctor Fate at his side. Also, they don't care about Steppenwolf or the safety of Earth. This entire strike is just a public relations move to make the people of Earth 2 fall in love with Wonders: The Next Generation. I'm sure something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Commander Khan will probably spit and scowl and scuff his shoe against the military base's hardwood floors and go, "Eeeeeewwwwwww!" Oh, that probably needs a little more to it to be a consequence of something going wrong. Maybe he'll declare Heroes illegal or draft them into the World Army to work with The Sandman and The Atom.

You know what? I think Commander Khan already hates these new wonders and is currently hunting them. So I guess nothing can go wrong! They're only battling a bunch of human soldiers, after all!

Whoops!

The Flash, probably because he has no actual idea how long they've been fighting (seriously? How the hell do you judge time when you run around at different speeds and your mind works at varying speeds? He must always feel like it's Tuesday), thinks it "went well" after defeating Dherain's border guards. But Alan Scott reminds him they're at war and wars take a long time. Now I'm curious as to how long The Flash can fight before he completely exhausts himself of energy? Since this isn't the Earth Prime human "Oh no I've just been doused in chemicals and struck by lightning" Flash, perhaps he has unlimited energy. After all, he is using the power of a God.

Before Steppenwolf's anti-wonders can show up, The World Army's Wonders arrive! They're composed of The Sandman Squad, The Atom, and Doctor Didn't Get the Memo That Warfare Has Advanced Past Pointy Sticks.

Seriously, Sir. There's a gigantic nuclear man behind you! And you bring a bow and arrow?

I suppose a bow and arrow might make sense if the person firing it had some kind of super speed power. A gun would be useless because it could still only fire at a standard rate due to its mechanical nature. But a bow could be fired as many times as possible. I think. Ignoring friction, of course. Which would probably mean the bow and string would have to be made out of Inertron.

Also on the way to the battle are Commander Khan and General Foster (Australian, of course. Is that wrong?). General Foster likes to be called Stormy and I can't tell if it's because he's from Australia, or if it's because he has some kind of weather powers, or if it's a sex thing. With that mustache, it could be any of them.

Speaking of mustaches, I have a friend that believes the hipster fascination with old timey mustache styles and getting tattoos of mustaches on their fingers is linked to the Guy Fawkes masks used in the Occupy Movement. I guess he believes it's a secret sign of revolution. Does he think it's some kind of secret symbol like the Christian Fish or a Masonic handshake? As they pass each other on the streets, do they raise a mustache-tattooed finger to their upper lip in a sign of solidarity?

And speaking of geniuses which I'm speaking of now so now I'm speaking of geniuses, Earth Prime's Third Smartest Asshole has finally decided to grace us with his Fair Play and Technobabble.

If I were a super hero, you can bet my uniform would have a whole lot more armor right around the crotch area.

Back on the boundary of Dherain, The World Army Wonders and The Independent Wonders are busy bickering. At least they haven't actually attacked each other by the time Dherain's Anti-Wonders show up. They get a full page splash highlighting their costumes but since I already scanned the smaller panel, I'm not going to bother with this one. Besides, it looks like they've got a spotlight in Channel 52! I mean Channel 2! Which I guess I'll read now.

Not surprisingly, the Local News did not inform. These are the Hunger Dogs of Steppenwolf (I learned that from next month's teaser!). I believe the purple clad woman is Tatters, the orange maniac is Lockjaw, and the big armored guy is Big Armored Guy.

Earth 2 #14 Rating: No change. I think Alan Scott's plan is stupid because he believes the people will bring down the World Government once they see the Wonders in action overthrowing a sovereign country. Yeah, that's what the people want to see! Super powerful beings toppling governments because they don't agree with the country's leader. He does run a broadcasting network, so it's understandable that he isn't in touch with reality.

Stormwatch #22

I hope Jim Starlin plans on allowing Lobo to be Lobo instead of simply bringing him in as a punching bag to show how powerful Stormwatch is.

I've been reading a lot about Jim Starlin lately and his approach to Stormwatch makes a lot of sense now. He's decided more than once before that a universe needed a brand new beginning. Plus, it seemed the thing to do at Marvel in the seventies was to destroy everything the previous writer set down as canon.

Here's an excerpt about Starlin's beginnings at Marvel from "Marvel Comics: The Untold Story" by Sean Howe:

"I was just as crazy as everybody else post-Watergate, post-Vietnam," said Starlin, whose hobbies included motorcycles, chess, and lysergic acid diethylamide-25. "Each one of those stories was me taking that stuff that had gone before and trying to put my personal slant on it. Mar-Vell was a warrior who decided he was going to become a god, and that's where his trip was." In the pages of Captain Marvel, existence itself might be altered several times in the course of an issue. "There is a moment of change, then reality becomes a thing of the past!" howls the evil ruler Thanos, before everything morphs into funhouse-mirror images.

See? Jim Starlin already wrote this story for Marvel back in the seventies! Except instead of Thanos changing reality, it's the Crayola Time Lords!

That's probably enough about Jim Starlin because this commentary isn't meant for learnin' things! It's for stroking my own ego.

Last issue, Jenny Soul was tricked by the Crayola Time Lords into moving their chess piece, Lobo, into the one position on the cosmic chess board that would implement the Ebony Time Line. The Ebony Time Line seems to be the one Time Line in which Stormwatch doesn't ruin the plans of the Crayola Time Lords. Of course in The Ebony Time Line, the Crayola Time Lords all have constant severe diarrhea but sacrifices have to be made if you want to rule Omnithing!

But don't worry, loyal Wildstorm fan who DC Comics despises! Stormwatch has a plan!

This plan doesn't work.

The back-up plan is the usual Stormwatch back-up plan: beat the snot out of the problem. The only problem with that plan is that Lobo's snot can become more Lobos. At least, it used to be able to. I think The New 52 realized how insanely problematic that aspect of the character was and just made Lobo really crazy and very powerful. You can tell how crazy and powerful he is because I used such descriptive intensifiers as "really" and "very."

Stormwatch comes to the conclusion that whatever the Crayola Time Lords are up to, it's probably going to involve destroying the planet they're all on. I'd tend to agree since they stated that the formation of the Ebony Time Line will destroy everybody that knows about the Crayola Time Lords. It's a perfect plan! Except for that one flaw. It's a big flaw. A tremendous flaw. The flaw is putting the success of the entire plan into Lobo's hands.

Really, Hellstrike? Goldilocks? If it wasn't for your comment last issue about how difficult it is to run a group when two of its members are gay (and one is a child and one is a corpse), I might let it slide as a jibe merely at Apollo's hair and/or uniform. Storm Control might not mind your "off-hand" comments but I wouldn't recommend saying this shit in front of Midnighter.

I just realized Apollo's hair is white so that Goldilocks crack is more probably pointed squarely at his sexual orientation. It'll be interesting to see how this team gets along with a leader like Hellstrike that doesn't seem to have any respect for any of his team!

Apollo's attempt to move Lobo was as successful as Jenny Soul's attempt. Which is to say a complete failure. When Jenny Soul failed, The Weird made sure to tell everybody in no uncertain terms that she was out of the fight. Now that Apollo is down, Midnighter checks up on him and lets everybody know that Apollo is out of the fight. Next up on the team's attack Lobo one at a time summer fun plan, Hellstrike!

"Well, we tried! Let's grab lunch!"

Before Stormwatch can flee, an energy pulse blasts out of Lobo and into the Douli-7 Intergalactic Radio Building where it begins sending out wave after wave of odd transmissions. Lobo collapses and Stormwatch decides to stick around for a bit to see what's next.

I think Stormwatch needs to come up with some slogans for their business cards.

Stormwatch! "Your Active-Pro World Savers!* *Disclaimer: 'Active-Pro' does not constitute 'proactive' behavior.'"
Stormwatch! "Universe ending? We'll watch and wait with you!"
Stormwatch! "Plan A? Is that something like Plan B?"
Stormwatch! "We'll try our best but what are we gonna do with all these Gays, Corpses and Little Girls?!"

That last card is Hellstrike's personal card he hands out.

Back to the comic book, The Forecaster (that's the sentient slug that's taken the place of The Projectionist) checks out the AP Newsfeeds and discovers that the Caimonites and the Bruticus have all been wiped out across the entire galaxy. Lobo is now responsible for the genocide of two more races! Stormwatch slinks back to their Skywatch headquarters, bringing Lobo with them. Can we say "New Member"?

Oh! I guess we can!

How many times is Lobo going to find himself drafted into bullshit super groups and/or cosmic police forces? Did Lobo ever wear a Lantern Ring in Green Lantern?

Lobo lets the Tiny Mysterious Leader know that Lobo don't fraggin' join no nothing nohows. Which Preboot History would argue against but, well, that was Preboot History and Non-Ebony Time Line History, so Lobo is just going to have to learn all over again how easy it is to draft him into the service of others. Whenever Lobo acts like a dick, his entire bloodstream lights up with electric nano-particles and he collapses in an ever-angrier heap of anger. Tiny Mysterious Leader had better watch his back because I'm fairly certain Lobo will graciously take the full brunt of his newly electrified system for however long it takes to snap Tiny Mysterious Leader's neck.

Apollo and Midnighter enjoy some nice, relaxing exposition.

I wonder if Stormwatch is ever going to crossover with The New 52 again or if editorial simply decided it can run amok in its own, new little time line for as long as it wants. It doesn't matter to me. I just want it to be entertaining. But it would be odd to be fragmenting their whole reason for a Reboot only a year and a half in by segregating characters and titles.

Meanwhile The Engineer finally gets to make another appearance. She's checking in on Stormwatch's new Shaman, Xiomar. It turns out he's useless unless his brain has been set free from the limits of our perceptions, so he's been allowed a ration of purple buds so he can stay alert and hungry and trip the fuck out. I mean, so his pain isn't so bad and to treat his glaucoma.

As The Engineer is giving Xiomar a tour, they pass by a non-on-fire Hellstrike. Xiomar recognizes him as a gun wielding bastard. I'm assuming the bastard part simply because Xiomar is from South Africa and his memory of Hellstrike is hanging out with another white guy blasting away with an automatic. It could be Hellstrike acted the hero, being that he's not firing his gun and his eyebrow is raised in surprise, and maybe he stopped the other man from killing a bunch of people. But since I don't currently like Hellstrike, I'll assume the worst!

The Crayola Time Lords appear to Jenny Soul to let her know they need to stab a few loose ends in the face. Except Jenny turns the psychic knife around and they end up the stabbees. Stormwatch is safe from nonexistence for now. But they also know they're up against an enemy that can change the fabric of reality right out from under them. If I were Stormwatch, I'd get some new business cards printed up.

Stormwatch! "Why bother?"

Stormwatch #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I dropped Stormwatch a long way when they Rebooted simply because they were Rebooting the Reboot which seemed to be going against the rules of the Reboot! And even though I liked the characters in the previous version, I was sick of all of the in-fighting. At least this dysfunctional team is acting like a team. Also, Lobo is now a member! Yay for me and Ha Ha for all y'all Lobo Haters!

Batwing #22

Really? Evil? Isn't that being a bit harsh and judgmental? Shouldn't it read, "Father and Son in the clutches of a philosophical viewpoint that differs radically from their own"?

Every month, I do not look forward to Batwing. He's like a straight C student. He's forgettable. Every time I grab Batwing off the top of my stack to read, I think, "This is still being printed?" Right now, I'm more interested in the copy on the back of the box of the raisins I'm eating. Did you know Sun-Maid is giving away a free book about raisins for their 100th Anniversary? Oh yeah! The book will answer all of your questions about dried fruits: "their unique characteristics, their history, and how they are grown, processed, marketed, and enjoyed throughout the world." Sounds fucking fascinating, that. If you can't wait to find out the cultural impact the raisin has had on our world, you can find out more at Sunmaid's website.

This issue is called "Daddy Issues." Oh, Lucas Fox has those too? Maybe I can identify better with him than with David Zavimbe. Although he had some pretty crazy daddy issues of his own, being an orphan and his main fatherly role model was a genocidal warlord. Maybe my problem with David was his daddy issues were way too severe. My dad was just a drunk that wasn't around very often! At least he didn't make the rivers of Africa flow red from the blood of the children.

Currently, Lucas's quiet evening at home with his family has been interrupted by a Termite Man invasion in the house.

The Marabunta kind of look like the red ant from The Pink Panther Cartoons. And David's Batwing suit sort of looked like the blue aardvark from that cartoon!

Here's a joke I remember from the elementary school playground: "What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on the ant? Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaaaaaaannt." It doesn't work as well in print.

Lucas is freaked out because he thinks the Termite Man have discovered he is Batwing and that's why they're attacking. But he's forgetting who his dad is! Obviously they need some kind of technology from Lucius Fox and are merely crashing through the windows to kidnap him. Lucas should really try to relax and stop being so narcissistic. Not every thing is about Batwing! Sheesh.

Lucas gets his ass whupped and gets called a boy. Oh fuck. These Termite Man are in for a world of fucking hurt. In a few hours when Lucas wakes up.

Shouldn't Lucius Fox's home be equipped with its own Batsignal?

Lucas has Batman training so the laser shot he took in the back only keeps him down long enough for his father and mother to be kidnapped by the Termite Men. And Lucas can't go after them as Batwing without looking like a complete failure as a son. He decides to hang around and help his family through their emotional crisis instead of hurting their feelings to save his dad.

Three days previous, Bruce Wayne was threatened by the fop owner of Seclorum. The company has something to do with diamonds and the owner, Atticus Fontaine, wants to buy back the mine that Bruce Wayne just purchased at a huge discount due to its previously being run by a half-man, half-lion God that didn't give a shit about international law. Bruce doesn't sell because Bruce loves money and he loves making enemies. He's the fucking Goddamned Batman, Mr. Atticus Fontaine. You're lucky he didn't punch your jaw off simply because you were associating with somebody who was breaking the law.

That interlude was so everybody would understand exactly why Lucius Fox was kidnapped. Because Batman is an arrogant bastard that doesn't give a shit about the safety of his employees! Although reading the Preboot Batman, Incorporated, it gave me more background on Batman tying Bruce Wayne's identity so close to his own. Catwoman, of all people, questions him about it. His answer is pretty much, "If they fuck with Bruce Wayne, they're fucking with Batman." So he wasn't too worried about it. Until Alfred was kidnapped!

So now Lucius Fox has been kidnapped in an attempt to change Bruce Wayne's mind about selling the mine. And while Luke pokes around his dad's access terminal to Wayne Enterprises, he learns that his dad does all the research and development on Batman's toys. Does that mean Luke will be able to open up to his father that he's Batwing?

Batman isn't able to keep Batwing from joining the hunt so it becomes a Bat-Team-Up. It's about this time that I learn another way Batman planned on keeping his employees safe.

If all senior members have a tracer implanted in them, doesn't that mean Bruce Wayne should have one too? I suppose for security reasons, nobody would be able to access the tracer information except in an emergency. But how many times has Bruce Wayne gone missing and nobody thought it odd that nobody else was activating his tracer? I don't think Bruce Wayne thought this thing all the way through. Or, luckily, nobody else at Wayne Enterprises has!

As they sneak aboard the Termite Man ship, Batwing mentions that his father will stop making Batman's tech if Lucius finds out his son is Batwing. So I guess my hope for a bonding over the Batman moment is never going to happen. But that also just means Batman's choice of a new Batwing was stupid. He's pissing all over his own bed. Is that the saying? He's shitting in his pantry? He's masturbating in a pile of his clean clothes?

What I'm trying to say is, his whole gig relies on Lucius and his creations and he's willing to risk it all by hiring Luke as Batwing? That just seems silly.

The Termite Men (and Women! I'm not letting those asshole Termite Women off the hook just because I'm using "men" as a non-gender specific inclusive term) begins stealing Lucius Fox's memories. They're just going to download every embarrassing thing Lucius has ever done and then sift through a lifetime of memories to get to the weapon information they really want. That was just speculation because I don't know how they can simply suck out specific memories to have instant access to. Oh wait! Yes I do! It's a comic book!

While that's happening, Batman and Batwing get to meet the newest Termite in the army: Termite Monster Man! Or Termite Monster Woman! Or Termite Neutral Gender Monster! Or Termite Pangender Monster! Or Termite Monster Trans Woman! Or Termite...you know what? I'm going back to using Termite Monster Man as an all-inclusive term. I thought we were all supposed to be coming together, not pulling apart with all of these labels. What language should really do is find a new word for "man" when you're speaking of exclusively "men" and allow the word "man" to remain a catch-all for all humankind. From here on out, I will refer to myself as a "moman". I think "he" and "his" and "him" should be the same way. Us momen should give up the generic male pronouns as the inclusive pronouns for everyone since that's how they've been used historically. I think the male pronoun should be "pe" and "pim" and "pis". Or, you know, we can keep it how it's always been and just use the third person pronouns all of the time!

I think Batwing is going to get pis ass kicked.

Batwing #22 Rating: Change? For Batwing? No way. I just don't feel any kind of attachment to this character! I shouldn't even have it on my ranking list at all since I can't say good or bad things about it! It's currently low on my list but that's because I just don't feel anything for the character. Is it a good comic book? I don't know! If I were to drop one comic book a month, it would be Batwing! Yes, I'd keep reading the Scott Lobdell comic books because at least they make my head explode. This book just makes me sleepy.

Batman Incorporated #12

Batman, those kneepads are just silly. I approve.

Maybe I should finish reading my Preboot Batman Incorporated Trade Paperback before diving into this Final Battle! Also, I should take a nap. And eat breakfast. And play video games. Why am I suddenly trying to get out of reading comic books? When did it become such a chore?

Oh yeah. When I decided to blog about every stupid issue of The New 52. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the beginning of 2012 and kick myself in the nuts. Then I'd point down at my face as I writhe in agony and I'd say, very sternly, "NO!"

Speaking of Time Machines, I think they've already been invented but people (past and future!) never realize (or realized or will realize!) that they need to be Time and Space Machines. So monkeys have probably been forced, screaming and kicking, into the Time Machine Prototypes. And then the machine is set for a minute or two into the future so that the scientists can witness it reappear. The machine disappears into time like it's supposed to but when two minutes have passed, no machine appears in the lab and the scientists go back to their drawing board to figure out what happened. Meanwhile, the Monkey dies freezing in outer space two minutes into his future as the Earth and our Solar System and the Galaxy have whizzed away from the Monkey's location. Of course I'm merely an internet scientist (that's a person that enters into forum discussions without any knowledge of anything but constantly does internet searches to make it seem like they can speak on a wide variety of topics) so I don't know how momentum would actually affect the way a Time Machine travels through space. I suppose since it doesn't actually exist within the two minutes that it's "leaping", it would simply reappear in the exact place in the universe where it leaped forward in time and then the momentum would keep it moving except in space instead of on Earth. And thus the time machine needs to be programmed to somehow travel through space as well as time. And those calculations are a lot harder than spinning a knob so it reads, "February 15th, 2388."

Anyway, I've now read Preboot Batman Incorporated because I hopped in my time machine that only moves forward in time and it does so in real time which gave me time to read the book in between last paragraph and this one. I love that Otto Netz's Alzheimer's Disease affects the way he traps Batman and his crew in continuously deteriorating spirals of repeated memories. I'd have to read it again to see how many things are repeated and doubled up on them selves across time and history, like Batwoman and Batwoman and the various Agent 33s. Talia pointing out that Leviathan is an acronym of her name with four or so extra letters was a nice bit too. Enough of old Preboot Material that I'm supposed to be ignoring (but can't since part of it came out during the Reboot anyway and Damian killed Otto Netz in this weird half and half Preboot/Reboot world that needed to be dealt with in Tomasi's Batman and Robin) because DC has changed, man, they've changed. Let's see Batman defeat BatThing and Talia now.

Oh Talia. If you'd just done a small amount of research by speaking with inmates at Arkham, you would have learned one very important thing: don't fucking poke The Batman.

I just had an idea for a story that I'd love to read. Batman, Aquaman, and Superman end up in some kind of Freaky Friday situation. Batman ends up in Aquaman's body, Aquaman ends up in Superman's body, and Superman ends up in Batman's body. Now Batman has to deal with being treated like a joke. I imagine he'd beat a lot of innocent people's teeth out of their heads. Aquaman gets to feel what it's like to be worshiped and admired. He'd probably find himself embarrassed by all the recognition. And Superman would find out what it's like to be absolutely feared. Not having to worry about his super strength hurting anybody, I wonder if Superman would take his fists out for a test drive on some of the loonies in Gotham?

Batman's army of bats have Man-Bat Antidote inside of them and they bite the Men-Bat back into simply Men. For Batman's part, he simply goes straight for BatThing.

Batman spends the next seven pages getting out his anger on the BatThing that killed Damian.

Meanwhile Red Robin and Nightwing find that rescuing Wingman doesn't take a whole lot of effort. The Headmistress of Spyral merely grabbed him up to remove a bad tooth and to let Batman Incorporated know that Spyral is out there handling the international super-criminal threat. Does this mean that once Grant Morrison finishes Batman Incorporated, we'll get a Spyral comic book that's kind of based on the same idea? Also, the Headmistress's identity is still not revealed. She has lips and a nose and black hair and teeth. And a left foot. Other than that, she's a complete mystery!

After realizing Jason Todd is cool, Nightwing makes it back in town to get out a little of his own anger.

I think I could accept Nightwing choosing to kill somebody because I trust he wouldn't make the decision lightly nor spiral out of control with more killing afterward. Of course once Batman gets a taste of it, look out Loony Bin!

Batman is horrified when he sees BatThing's real face: the face of bald Damian Wayne. BatThing was artificially aged but he still, like Superboy, has the mind of a child. Batman let's it go but Knight wants to kill BatThing for killing Knight. You know, when she was Squire. And since BatThing has to die but none of the heroes can kill it, Grant Morrison takes it upon himself to dish out a little justice by allowing lightning to strike the giant "W" on Wayne Towers which causes it to fall and crush BatThing.

Oh no, nevermind. The "W" just keeps Knight and the others from pursuing as BatThing escapes into Wayne Towers and back up to Talia.

Aubrey Plaza needs to play Talia in the Batman Incorporated movie.

Afterward, Talia blows up the top of Wayne Tower and heads off to the Batcave where Batman is waiting for her and the final battle.

Batman Incorporated #12 Rating: No change. If there are jars and jars of half-Damians/half-animals growing somewhere in the Middle East or Africa, can Batman find one with a gentle disposition and be happy with it? Maybe a Gerbil Damian? Or a Guinea Pig Damian? Or will Batman only be happy with the one, true Damian? Although I'm pretty sure that Damian was half German Shepherd.

Pandora #1

I will not refer to anything as "The Trinity of Sin."

I've never understood the story of Pandora. She opened up her box and set loose all the evils on the world. But she managed to keep hope in the box. It always seemed a bad thing that Hope wasn't set free. Was it a good thing because Hope was kept just for mankind? As a young boy reading every mythology book he could check out of the elementary school library, I always thought, "Pandora! Open the box again! You've already set everything else loose, why not Hope?! Set Hope free too!" It seemed cruel that Hope should be stuck alone in Pandora's Box, shivering and cold and hungry. I haven't reread the myth of Pandora in many, many years, so I should probably begin with that.

Pandora and the Pandora Myth are either the source of the Garden of Eden story or both stories share from an earlier source that I'm not going to spend any time looking for. The Pandora Myth dates from about the 8th Century BCE, first appearing in Hesiod's "Theogony." If the story were written today, everybody on Tumblr would fucking shit a brick. Basically Zeus was pissed that Prometheus had given the grand and useful gift of fire to mankind (and when I say "mankind", I fucking mean "man"kind. A society of men living in peace and prosperity and freezing cold darkness. But now that they had fire, they'd be unstoppable!), so Zeus decides to give them a horrible gift to teach them a lesson. That gift was the first woman and her jar of disgusting shit. Except for the jar and the initial motivation of the God, this sounds quite a bit like the story of Adam and Eve. Yahweh actually creates Eve to help Adam whereas Zeus sends Pandora to curse and hinder mankind. But in the story of Adam and Eve, Eve eventually convinces Adam to eat of the Forbidden Fruit which winds up cursing mankind exactly in the same way Pandora and her jar did. I think that means Zeus was the talking snake and he was probably actually trying to have sex with Eve. And I think Hope, still stuck in the jar ready to be released at some later date to save humankind, must represent Jesus Christ.

As I continue to read more interpretations of the Pandora Myth, I'm surprised to find scholarly discussions of whether Hope remaining in the jar should be seen as a good or a bad outcome. So as a young boy in elementary school, I was just as flummoxed by the story as other modern academics. Seeing that later in Hesiod's poem (this time, "Works and Days"), Hesiod describes Hope as being empty and no good and causing humanity to be lazy by taking away their industriousness, makes it seem as if leaving Mankind with Hope was worse than letting it escape. Hope was just another kind of evil in the jar. I like that reading of the myth. Because when I see people allowing bullshit to go on in the world because they're secure in their Hope for an afterlife, I can see how Hope can do great evil and cause much ruination. When someone prays that a child gets better instead of actively fighting against the illness with whatever knowledge and modern means we have, we see the evil of Hope. When people are taught that this world doesn't matter because a reward awaits them in Heaven, that fighting to make this world a better place matters little because our physical being is nothing and our spiritual selves are everything, we see the evil of Hope. I'll leave it at those two sentences because I don't want to slip into "The Triple" at this point. "The Triple" is standard comedic fare where you give two serious examples of a thing and then you throw in a third, ridiculous thing for the punchline. I think I learned about it from Nick at Night!

Okay, now that I'm finished with the most sparse amount of Pandora research possible, it's time to read my comic book.

The story begins in 8000 BCE, so it's contemporary with the first appearance of the Pandora Myth and the formal beginnings of what would become The Old Testament. Except according to Young Earth Scholars, none of this actually happened because the world was created in 4004 BC (since I'm speaking of Creationism, I'll stick to BC over BCE for this one). Pandora is a young woman living with her people in Macedonia when she stumbles upon a Golden Skull in a bush. She picks it up and looks at it and fucks up everything.

No wonder the Wizards are pissed at her. She set free the Seven Deadly Sins.

First off, I don't really like this beginning. She doesn't do anything. She's completely passive and doesn't do anything that anybody else probably wouldn't have done. She picks up the Golden Skull and looks at it. I suppose that's supposed to be her sin of curiosity. But I'd rather that she opened something or actively did more than just took a look at some curious object.

But then, I don't agree with punishing Judas for his actions either! So I suppose I'm not going to agree with whatever fucked up reason is given for The Question being punished as well. He's probably being punished for engaging in scientific research.

I suppose the punishment of each of the Trinity comes down to their own feelings of guilt. Judas is punished not because he did as Christ knew he would which furthered Christ's purpose but because Judas himself felt that he could never be forgiven for his part in the proceedings. And when the creatures Pandora released which destroy her tribe call her mother, she believes it to be her fault even though she merely looked at an object in the woods. I guess I can see their point since when I step on a slug in the dark, I feel awful and guilty and spend three or four days crying and gnashing my teeth for not having been more careful.

Pandora soon finds herself before The Rock of Eternity and the World's Most Wonderful Wizards.

One of the three greatest transgressors?! Lesson to be learned: Never pick up anything you find in the woods. Also never betray Jesus Christ. Those two things are equally bad.

Just as The Phantom Stranger does, Pandora wanders the world across time. She is cursed to observe the world fallen prey to the sins she set loose on it. They are her children and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not yet. I suppose some time around Flashpoint, she figures out a way to interact with things.

Pandora is basically the cause of all of the Old Testament's wrath and chaos. She tries to save those she can. Is she the force that spoke with Abraham and his descendants? Is she, herself, the Hope left over? If so, then her story ties directly into The Phantom Stranger's as she sets in motion the things that lead to Jesus Christ. And then The Phantom Stranger fucks up that one, doesn't he? Is this why they hate each other? And if this is the case, then where does The Question fit in? Who comes after Jesus Christ to question the way of things and cause more pain and misery? I suppose The Question could have committed his sin between Pandora and The Phantom Stranger as well. Should I be thinking Biblically for his identity as well? Moses questions God, doesn't he? I really don't think he'd be another Biblical figure though. Although one character from Greek Myth, one from the Old Testament, and one from The New Testament could work. It's a bit heavy on blaming the Western World for all of the world's troubles though. But just as DC's stories on a Galactic scale always concentrate on Mankind and their differences, the stories on Earth tend to concentrate on Western Beliefs and Modes of Thought as well. So I shouldn't be surprised if The Question is just another Person from The Book.

Pandora tries to save the few she can. She tries to change the minds of men and lead them away from her children's temptations. And then she goes all Kung Fu and travels the land learning what she can from mystics and sages and teachers. One teacher, in particular, is my favoritest of favorites.

I know he's not really a teacher. But that doesn't keep Pandora from learning something from him.

By 2013, Pandora has armed herself with a slew of modern weapons and ancient fighting techniques and mystical abilities. She's prepped and ready for battle against the Sins when she's visited by The last wizard of The Rock of Eternity.

What a dick.

And so Pandora sets out on a quest to have Superman or Batman help her to discover the secrets within her box.

Pandora #1 Rating: I thought this was a good start to the whole Pandora deal plus Vandal Savage made an appearance and he'll be back next issue. So I'll begin this comic book at Rank #20.

The Movement #3

Either Katharsis is a giant bad-ass or the Coral City cops are pusses. Maybe it's a little bit of one and a whole lotta the other.

Can we discuss the bravery of Gail Simone for naming her comic book The Movement? You realize if it had sucked, every critic on the internet would be saying, "More like The Bowel Movement!" At least I know I would have! Man, now I wish this comic book sucked. Except DC doesn't actually need another poorly written comic book about teenagers. Thank God for this book!

Hmm, as an atheist, maybe I should praise this book differently.

Amen! No, wait, that doesn't work either.

Hallelujah! Fuck. What the hell?

This book is a long awaited miracle! Jesus Christ! Oh fuck, I can't even swear without religion butting in! And people think I'm being intrusive and upsetting when I simply mention I don't believe in God. How would you like it if every third thing in your language involved Satanism?! Yeah, you'd be pissed, right?

Well, you know, I don't actually care. I do say "thank God" and "Jesus Christ" and all sorts of other phrases with religious connotations. It's just the way language is. It doesn't bother me which is why I don't fucking care if the Pledge of Allegiance has "Under God" in it or not. What I find more upsetting is forcing kids to constantly repeat a pledge they can't even understand!

Oh! Speaking of Religion, I just received the "Family Bible" yesterday.

Black Lightning says, "Holy Bible? More like Holy Fuck That Thing Is Massive!"

My grandfather wanted me to have it simply because I'm the youngest male son of one of his sons. You know, the keeper of the family name bullshit. The only other son of a son was the oldest grandson. And neither of us had planned on having children. I don't think either of us felt any obligation to keeping something like the family name going. Although eventually, and, at first accidentally, my cousin did manage to become a father. And he had a boy somewhere in his late middle ages there! So I suppose the family Bible should go to him. And, eventually, maybe it will. But my Uncle decided it should go where Grandpa Doil explicitly said it should go: to me. He decided that because I said, "Even though I'm a bit interested in it, it really should go to someone to whom it means something." But because I said the "slightly bit interested" part, he thought it best to stick with Grandpa's exact wishes. Also, I think he'd already put it in the mail.

The best part about this Bible is that it includes the Apocrypha right smack in-between the Old and the New Testaments! And I was planning to do those as well as the Old and New Books as part of Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs.

And, no, it did not burn me when I embraced it for the photo shoot. Smart asses.

Now, where did I set down that comic book I was supposed to be reading?

Well Narration Boxed, Katharsis.

I don't think enough people think about the true security civilization offers them. It's just a massive illusion that could break down at any moment and no authority could stop the rampaging, looting, killing, or destruction of an out of control mob of people that have decided they don't buy into the social contract anymore. Katharsis believes it's based on fear. But that's understandable considering what we've seen of her attitude and background in this comic and Batgirl. I've always believed the biggest part of the illusion is grounded in empathy. The main reason civilization works is not because police are keeping us safe. It isn't because soldiers are dying for our freedom. And it definitely isn't because government is taking care of us. The main reason it works is because the majority of us understand that what is best for each of us is for each of us to be the best we can be to each of the others. It's partially selfishly motivated, granted. But selfish motivations work best on us humans. And by being selfish in this way, we actually promote the lives and the growth of others who are similarly acting selfishly. And so it's not really so selfish in the end.

Although a lot of people buy into Katharsis's belief that it is only fear of authority that keeps a lot of people in line. And many think the only authority that really keeps people in line is God. And so they believe religion helps more than it hurts. I'd say raising your children with pets helps build a stronger society than raising your children with God. You know. Because they learn empathy instead of fear and/or reward as the means to the end.

At this point, if you really just want a review about The Movement #3, you should probably find another website because I haven't finished reading page one yet.

Katharsis ends up captured at the hands of Coral City's Police force and this rich, powerful man, Mr. Cannon. Get it? His name is Mr. Cannon because he's powerful and explosive and he has big balls. Also it's a weapon useful against the masses. Also, it's phallic and I already mentioned the balls.

Meanwhile The Movement have begun their meeting with the Weather Witch.

There's less coffee and doughnuts than I was expecting.

I had to make a conscious effort to not scan in every picture of Mouse's rats or else I'd completely fill up my commentary space with random pictures like this:

And this:

And this:

I guess my conscious effort sucked.

As Mouse's Mieces are being flung about in a mini-hurricane, a homeless war veteran is chosen by a passing raincloud as the next victim of the Cornea Killer.

Vengeance Moth is currently busy feeding the two Coral City Police Prisoners and not showing anybody her awesome powers of erratic flight, flammability, and vengeful wrath. The police officer that got the short end of Katharsis's fist continues to try to portray The Movement as being as horrible or worse than the Coral City Police Force. He mentions that the police force might be more merciful than The Movement because they would not have punished the Police as severely as The Movement are punishing them. But once again, he's missing the main distinction: the Coral City Police Force are abusing their power. If it had been left up to their brothers in the force (and isn't THAT word dripping with meaning), they would not have been punished at all. A Police Officer committing a crime can't be compared to a civilian committing the same crime. They are completely different situations.

The Movement manage to calm Weather Witch's squall and get her to put the storms away so they can talk. For some reason, Weather Witch saw the young woman in a mask with the other young woman in a cape and the devil dude in the hoodie and the pale boy surrounded by rats and thought, "The police are here!" Maybe she can't see very well with all that milk in her corneas.

Superheroes really need to belong to some kind of Guild and have some kind of App running on their phone that identifies them as one of the good guys so these fights stop breaking out all over the place. I suppose The Movement wouldn't exactly be thrilled about joining some kind of bullshit patriarchal corporate program like that anyway.

Rainmaker mentions how Jim Cannon is set on gentrifying Coral City and pushing all the inconsequential people to the edges of livability. The inconsequential people, by the way, are the ones without any money. You know how it is! That part of town you never would have set foot in six months ago but now has such cute, trendy shops and eateries with the most amazing pulled pork sandwiches? And you shop there and eat there and comment on how they've really transformed the neighborhood without thinking about all the people that were moved out through higher rents and constructions of condominiums? And everybody happily praises the contractors and the city and the people who turned the neighborhood around without giving a single thought to poor people that don't fucking matter anyway. Do they?

Rainmaker decides to stay out of The Movement's fight although if Virtue ever wants to stop by and be, you know, opposite of her name, she should call. Rainmaker and her team disappear while Tremor gets the call from Vengeance Moth that Katharsis has been arrested. Or kidnapped, really.

Virtue decides to pay a visit to her father's the police captain's office.

The police chief seems like he could be a reasonable guy but he reacts badly to being painted into corners. And Virtue keeps slopping on the primer.

Virtue's next move is to threaten to tear down the police station with a whole mob of masked Movementeers.

The Movement #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't think there were any overt ties to The Green Team although Jim Cannon is a big wealthy businessman and Wall Street tycoon, so he may end up being the father or uncle to one of the Green Team. Although they did mention the person who put The Movement together was female, so maybe L.L. really did put it all together. Unless it was Cecilia since Cecilia sounds like Caesar!