Green Lantern #19

This must be Volthoom's wet reality for Sinestro.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan was about to kill himself so he could become the greatest Black Lantern that ever didn't live. But now he's spending time gabbing with Tomar-Re because he seems to be having second thoughts. Which is odd for Hal Jordan since he so rarely ever has a first thought. I guess Pauline Fleming, the counselor at Westerburg High, really was serious that whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decision a person can make. At least Hal thinks so because he's actually discussing it with Tomar-Re instead of barreling over the cliff and killing himself immediately.

Hal probably would have gone through with it immediately but Tomar-Re is a member of the Grey Lantern Corps which uses Doubt as their weapon. So now Hal is having second thoughts about killing himself to escape the Dead Zone. And outside of the Dead Zone, Sinestro uses his new fake Green Lantern Ring to teleport away to look for Volthoom.

First off, that's a totally inappropriate sound effect for teleportation. Second off, I didn't think Green Lantern's could teleport. Isn't that just an Indigo power? Not that I haven't done my own fanboy reasoning for why Green Lanterns should be able to teleport! I'm just trying to stick to the Lantern Corps Rules DC has made!

Sinestro ends up on Korugar where he asks for help from Arsona. Do all the people of Korugar have menacing names when read in English? Is there a Manslaughteru? How about a Molestron? Sodomolor? Viciousera? Arsona actually decides to help Sinestro gear up to fight the Guardians simply because this is the first time Sinestro has ever reached out and asked for help. She's impressed that he's learned humility and is willing to save the universe with him. Except that's when Volthoom appears and claims Sinestro is going to save the universe with him instead. That claim seems suspect.

For having the greatest turmoil, he has the least amount of detail in his past timeline montage.

I wonder if Volthoom's Korugarian name is Rapethoom? Because now it's time for him to rape Sinestro just like he's raped all of the other main characters in the Green Lantern titles. Except for Atrocitus. For some reason, he didn't want any of that big beast. I wonder if people from Ryutt have teeth lining their anal sphincters? Instead of rearranging Atrocitus's past, he simply told Atrocitus what it might have been like and Atrocitus went, "Oh my god! I'm a monster!" But now it looks like Volthoom is back to his magic of making the person actually experience the new past (as temporary as it might be. Although Volthoom did suck down the Guardian's Heart of Emotion thing in Red Lanterns. So he should be practically filled up with power now). Volthoom sends Sinestro back to a timeline where he never became a Green Lantern. Sinestro will probably find it a pretty good reality since Volthoom's Rape Therapy generally leaves the victim feeling pretty good about his or her choices.

Oh wait. I take it back. Volthoom is simply talking Sinestro through some what could have beens and then he threatens to kill Arsona. And then I think Sinestro is the first of the batch to not take Volthoom's shit.

I know some others have repelled his advances but I think Sinestro is the first to actually take a shot at him.

Volthoom decides to crack open Korugar and fuck the shit out of it since Sinestro is fighting back. But the one thing you don't fuck with if your an intergalactic super rapist from another time and place is Sinestro's homeworld. Sinestro saves his people and fills them with hope. But since Volthoom feeds on Fear and Hope, he feeds off of the Korugarians which give him enough power to change reality so that Sinestro didn't save Korugar. Which means Volthoom never fed off of the Korugarians' Hope and never gained enough power to change reality. Which means he didn't destroy the planet which means the Korugarians were filled with Hope which means Volthoom fed on them and destroyed Korugar. I can do this all day!

Anyway, Korugar is destroyed. Sinestro is a failure. And Volthoom now has the power to alter reality permanently.

Hopefully the first thing Volthoom does is bring back Ted Kord.

Well DC Universe, it was nice knowing you! Now that Volthoom can change reality whenever and however he wants, nothing can stop him. Unless somebody knows some kind of logic riddle that will send him into a paradoxical time loop from which he can never recover. I believe G'nort knows something like that.

Because the Dead Zone is flooded with millions of Korugarians, Hal Jordan realizes he has to act now. He leaps to his death. Meanwhile in space, Sinestro finds his Yellow Lantern Battery floating amidst the rubble of his home and somehow thinks becoming a Yellow Lantern again will enable him to battle somebody that can just change reality so that Sinestro never found the Yellow Lantern Battery.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: +3 Rating. I give out +1 and +2 ratings all of the time for good books and well told stories. But I have to do better for an issue of Green Lantern where Hal Jordan kills himself. I think I might be Volthoom because this is the reality I've always wanted! So now along with Matu Ba and Damian Wayne and Bloody Mary and Tig and Jack Ryder and Cliff Baker and Stormwatch (kind of), Hal Jordan has also died! That's a lot of people dying lately and I'm pretty sure I missed a few.

The Phantom Stranger #7

Get it? The guy that betrays people is getting a taste of his own semen! Wait, that's not how that saying goes.

The new Dr. Thirteen looks like my cousin Travis. What that means is that he looks appropriately nerdy on this cover. I think maybe his chin should be a bit weaker, maybe his glasses a bit thicker, his teeth a wee bit scragglier, and his hair slightly greasier. And then he'd be an appropriate stereotype and I could accept him being the super smart technological master he is! But he'll just never be as awesome as his top hat wearing, sideburns sporting, fully rational ancestor. This guy just feels like a conniving jerk that desperately wants to be in on the important goings on in the New DC. And now he's going to try to murder The Phantom Stranger with the Spear of Longinus? Hmm, I could buy that.

The issue begins with The Phantom Stranger sitting in church. Is he seeking solace? Is he basking in the glory of his ultimate betrayal? Or is he just taking a break from wandering forever? Whatever he's doing, it's interrupted by a priest homing in on the scent of despair.

You know, I don't mind if you want to try to convert me while I'm in your church. But if you dare fucking quote C.S. Lewis at me, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

That quote is just the kind of bullshit that C.S. Lewis was the master of. He had a way of saying things that people who were desperate to believe or already believed or were too stupid to respond with, "That actually doesn't make any fucking sense," would eat up as profound wisdom. Let's pretend this wasn't just linguistic pablum and take it seriously for a moment. How would C.S. Lewis know it was all plan and not "no plan"? Yeah, he can't know it but oh my Lord doesn't it just FEEL RIGHT?! Hallelujah! That makes so much sense! And something without a center? Why, maybe it's all center! My next project (after DC crumbles and returns to the old Universe which I won't be going back to) is to do a line by line analysis of Mere Christianity. If I can manage to keep my lunch down as I read it.

The Chronicles of Narnia were good though if you ignored the underlying Christian mythology. Although by ignoring that, you're kind of missing the point of the whole series and C.S. Lewis would probably rather you just went off and read The Wizard of Oz instead. I don't think that children's series was about Jesus!

Upon exiting the church, The Stranger runs into Dog.

I'm usually against kicking dogs in the face but I'd be willing to turn the other cheek on this one.

Dog has called The Stranger to Metropolis so they could engage in philosophical banter. Maybe He called him there for some other reason which hasn't been revealed yet since I read so slowly and am constantly distracted by the voices in my head. The Stranger arguing with Dog just makes me think of all the time I've spent debating my friend I've mentioned many times before, Soy Rakelson. I don't even know why Dog bothers to debate with The Stranger. Why is Dog so Doggamned desperate to get The Stranger to see his point of view? I guess Dog is cursing his Free Will Clause at this point. Why can't he just force everyone to believe? It would be so much easier!

When people say God doesn't make mistakes, they're wrong and they've obviously never read The Bible. Because giving man Free Will was a huge mistake. And God even acknowledges it when he destroys mankind with a flood. Why give mankind Free Will simply to destroy mankind when they use that Free Will to be something other than what God demands them to be? That was the biggest bullshit move in the history of mythological tales ever! And Zeus and Odin pulled a lot of bullshit!

God: "Hey, mankind, go on and do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. You're free to choose your own life. Go ahead. Make some choices! Make mistakes! Go for it!"
God: "Woah woah woah. What's that tower you guys are building? That's what you decided to do? Try to build a tower to my vacation cottage? OH NO. Fuck that shit. It's destroyed. And to make sure you never do that with your Free Will again, none of you will be able to understand each other ever again. Unless you're all adept at language and shit. But I don't think you monkeys are that smart."
God: "Okay. Now what are y'all doing? Jesus Christ, you know there are other things to do with your time than fornicating?! And with my angels, no less? Unh unh! This can't stand. Sheesh, you and your fucking Free Will. If I'd've known you'd use it for this kind of nastiness, I never would have given it to you! Okay, I'm going to have to start over. Let me find the least despicable of you...let's see...aha! This drunk and his family over here. Hey! Hey Noah! You're my man! Too drunk to really exploit the Free Will Clause, I think you'll do to start this shit over. Now drown, bitches!"

Anyway, Dog has led The Stranger to Metropolis to betray Jack Ryder. Or use Jack Ryder to betray someone else. Maybe someone named Clark or Lois. But probably not someone named Jimmy. I'm pretty sure Jack Ryder was that dick news guy that tried to fuck over Superman or Clark or somebody and then Fake Nanobot Uniform Superman tried to drop him from a building. I could be wrong about that though because that was a long time ago and I suck at remembering names.

And we hit the Trifecta for horrible philosophical/theological texts and/or writers that people worship without daring to give a proper, cynical deconstructionist once-over! The Bible. C.S. Lewis. Ayn Rand (via the Atlas Shrugged Beer and the "Who is John Galt?" button).

Atlas Shrugged is also on my list of books to read and write commentary on after The Bible, The Qur'an, The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, Mere Christianity, Twilight, and then Atlas Shrugged. I don't imagine I'll ever get anywhere close to finishing this list since I'm only 46 pages into Genesis and already have 300 pages of commentary on it. Sure, a good percentage of those pages are made-up facts and goat fucking jokes, but it's still commentary!

The Phantom Stranger is looking a bit like Steve Martin in this issue. Or maybe Karl Malden. IMDB it, kids!

While The Phantom Stranger tries to convince Jack Ryder that he can be useful in another way besides the show, "You Don't Know Jack", which he just quit (because Morgan Edge was trying to impose too much editorial control. I think Dan DiDio is portraying all of the writers at DC that have walked off their books as the asshole Jack Ryder!), an ever-present news report on an ever-present nearby television catches their attention.

I might be one of a very select and elite and super smart few who actually really enjoyed the Challengers of the Unknown run in DC Universe Presents. Also, this monster is my new favorite character just after Alysia Yeoh. I wonder if this monster will turn out to be trans as well?

I have yet to read Batgirl #19 but since I follow Gail Simone on Tumblr, I ended up being spoiled by the revelation that Alysia is transsexual. I just want to say to all of the people now jumping on the Alysia is an awesome character bandwagon simply because of this reveal, she was my favorite character in the DCnU long before you decided to like her for something as shallow as her sexual/gender identity! So get off my fucking Alysia Yeoh bandwagon, you superficial dicks! Ha ha! "Superficial Dicks" would be an excellent name for a trans rock band.

Jack Ryder runs out of the bar in a panic when he realizes the monster is three blocks away from the bar. He is almost crushed by a car but the stupid, interfering Phantom Stranger saves him. Dammit. That would have been the best moment in comics this week! But Ryder is impressed and decides to use The Phantom Stranger and his power to get back on the air. Once he's on the air, I'm sure The Phantom Stranger and Dog will manipulate and use him to their advantage.

As Morgan Edge is evacuating his workers from the PGN building, Ryder shows up and tells Morgan he wants to be rehired with a raise. And to prove that he's worth it (or simply expecting to be rehired because he has such a tremendous ego), Jack is going to remain within the building and broadcast the dangerous events. While Morgan wouldn't let any other employees stay even though they wanted to because Morgan likes them, he readily allows Ryder to remain behind. I guess this is the rehire job interview. If Ryder survives, he's got his old job back.

That's not reporting! That's interpretation! Or misrepresentation! Or complete and utter bullshit with no evidence to support it! Which I think is the definition of bullshit. Not the first definition which is waste material evacuated from a bull's bowels. But the second definition which means big lies!

When is The Stranger going to get stabbed by the Spear of Longinus? I bet that doesn't happen until the final page! What a spoiler!

And then Jack Ryder fails his new interview and it's one of the most awesome moments in DC Comics this week!

I'm pretty sure if you're a character that dies at Dan DiDio's hands, you stay dead. Been nice knowing you, Jack!

Too bad one of my new favorite characters doesn't last very long. Just like when I had that new favorite character in Firestorm! The super patriotic yet insane Firestorm that died the same issue he was introduced? That was stupid. Well, this beast that is enjoying himself way too much in that panel above explodes on the next page with Jack Ryder in its hand. I think the Challengers of the Unknown did something challenging and unknown to it.

Dog finally lets The Stranger go and The Stranger appears before Terrance Thirteen. Thirteen is acting weird so The Stranger decides to finally speak to him kindly instead of screaming at him the entire time. The Stranger is just being nice because Thirteen can, supposedly, help him find his family. So The Stranger even tells Thirteen that he's come to trust him. That has to be a lie because it's completely out of character. The Stranger is simply willing to say whatever he has to say to get his family back. I mean to get Phil's family back.

And then The Question appears and The Phantom Stranger turns back into a stark raving lunatic at the sight of him. They tussle for a bit and then the cover happens on the last page.

What a twist!

The Phantom Stranger #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is meaty and well paced. That wasn't supposed to sound pornographic.

Detective Comics #19

I don't know. What is the goo?

Eighty pages? Are you fucking kidding me? It takes me nearly two hours to do a stupid twenty page comic book. I'm going to be here all day! I have to figure out a way to make this easier on myself. Perhaps I'll just make a quick comment on each page instead of trying to pull together some kind of coherent summary of the entire issue. You don't think I see you smirking because I called my commentaries "coherent"?! I'll show you!

Page 1: This is the page where they stick the credits but nothing else when DC publishes an extra long issue. So now the issue really only has 79 pages because no fan would actually count this as one of the pages. This is a page for Roman Numeraling! It informs me that there will be five stories and some pinup art. Oh boy! Bombshell shots of Batman in one pieces! Woo hoo!

Page 2: A splash page showing an indeterminate number of Men-bat (well, indeterminate if you're too lazy to count them) flying down from the moon with Kirk Langstrom, the inventor of Man-bat Flavored Gator Water, declaring, "I did this." Luckily the Men-bat are wearing pants so Gotham isn't going to be covered in Man-bat Guano come morning.

Page 3: Gordon and some nobody fire up the Bat Signal to inform Batman that Gotham has a Man-bat problem. Has someone already written a story where Killer Moth is captured by firing up the Bat Signal and waiting for him to start flopping and flapping around the light?

Page 4: Citizens of Gotham are running about the streets helter-skelter getting Men-bat caught in their hair. Kirk Langstrom holds his serum the way he usually holds his penis. His girlfriend begins fucking him from behind. That's a thing, right? I can't wait to see what women have in their panties some day! I hope it looks like the thing in my panties because that thing is E-ROTIC.

Kirk's girlfriend is fugging uckly. She should lose the glasses and lower the hair. Then she might be presentable. Or super duper hot!

Page 5 Advert: This page is an advertisement for Midtown Comics in New York City. It has a picture of Batman taking a crap while riding a horse.

I'm pretty sure fecal accidents are fairly common in Batman's line of business. Alfred definitely knows his way around sewer pants.

The real Page 5!: The Man-bat outbreak occurred in a part of Gotham called "The goo" by its residents. They call it that because it takes place on the goo block between 9th and 10th. Batman doesn't patrol this part of town very often because the residents aren't crazy or Irish or black or Italian. Hey, Batman is the racist, not me! Blame Bruce Wayne for his fascist, racist policies to manipulate real estate prices.

Page 6: One of the goo shop owners lets a woman and her baby into his shop after closing and pays the price when they turn into a Man-bat and Batboy. If he were being interviewed after the case on Judge Judy, the lesson he would have learned would have been "Never help anybody."

Page 7 & 8: This is the staple of The New 52 Detective Comics: the double page splash title page with Batman flying across both pages. In this one, he's surrounded by about 800 Men-bat.

The goo must refer to the Gotham suburb and the Man-bat Serum!

Page 9: Batman flies about fighting Men-bat and thinking about how they resemble Talia al Ghul's Man-bat army. I would be wondering why they all have jeans on and nothing else. Does the transformation include the clothing into jeans?

Page 10: Batman takes a sample of blood from a Man-bat that he fell out of the sky with. Batman is okay though because he landed on the Man-bat. I guess the Man-bat is okay because Batman would be sad if he inadvertently killed one. I hope Batman doesn't discover that he has to douse Gotham in his semen to cure everyone. No wait! I DO hope that!

Page 11: A large shot of half one-quarter of the Batcave.

Page 12: Another quarter shot of the Batcave! Batman is spouting cliches at Alfred who is just telling Batman that he can't speed up the Bat Computers! If Batman wanted the blood screening faster, maybe he should upgrade his 486 PC to something modern. Also the dinosaur in the Batcave is in this shot. I think it should have feathers and be peacock colored. Unless it's a female dinosaur. Then it's probably the right color.

Page 13: Alfred is also running a program on Batman's computer to try and identify a recent John Doe that appears to be a victim of Victor Zsasz. But the thing that's taking up most of the 486's memory is Alfred playing Pools of Darkness on it.

"But Batman! I'm in the middle of a huge battle with dozens of Bits 'o Moander! I can't shut it down until I get an opportunity to save!" "Alfred. Shut it. The fuck. Down."

Page 14: Batman lies to Alfred.

Page 15: Batman lies to the readers.

You would never be able to tell the Bat Family was angry at Batman in any book written by Lobdell! They were all hanging out like nothing happened in Red Hood's Death of the Family aftermath!

Page 16: Batman Narration Boxes about how he doesn't want to hurt any of the Men-bat because they're just simple, innocent goo victims. He wants to learn the antidote for their condition. I think the cure will be one of Kirk Langstrom's bodily fluids. You know? His goo!

Page 17: Alfred figures out where Patient Zero lived so that Batman can investigate the cause of the outbreak. At the apartment, he finds a body with a Talon dagger embedded in it.

Page 18: Batman discovers the source of the infection and the goo and Zsasz-bat all at the same time.

I bet Victor Zsasz has 900 scars on his body.

Page 19: Zsasz-bat attacks Batman in a big splash page. For the first time ever, I wish there were more splash pages. Eighty pages is ridiculous!

Page 20 and 21: Batman ties up Zsasz-bat and tackles him out of a window. Batman is getting a lot of mileage out of the "fall out of the sky and land on top of a man-bat to survive" move during this adventure.

Page 22: This story is still going on? Batwoman arrives with Kirk Langstrom and Francine in tow. Kirk mentions how this is all his fault but he knows how to fix the problem! All he needs is a hot air balloon, a really powerful fan, and some hot man on bat pornography. Luckily Batman has two out of three of those. And he knows of a place to rent balloons.

Page 23: Kirk Langstrom begins priming the pump so he'll be ready to spurt his cure into the fan once they're high over Gotham.

"Kirk, NO! Let me do that!"

Page 24: Langstrom releases his DNA into the atmosphere.

Gotham is the grossest city in the DC Universe.

Page 25: Langstrom transforms into a Man-bat and attacks Batman. I guess the antidote reverses the process for everyone but Langstrom. So now Langstrom has to be a Man-bat so that everybody else can return to normal.

Page 26: The Man-bat infestation has ended and Zsasz has been caught and returned to Arkham. Zsasz mutters something about the bird giving him the goo but nobody listens because Zsasz is a crazy bastard. Well, nobody listens on THIS page! You have to wait until Page 27 to see that Batman is listening.

Page 27: For the first time, Batman is hearing about Emperor Penguin. That can't be good for Ogilvy. Meanewhile, Ogilvy is harassing Poison Ivy so that she'll do a favor for him. See, he buried her alive for Penguin but then helped dig her up again, so she owes him her life. I know he actually just made things even by saving her after trying to kill her but she doesn't know that! And that's the end of the first story. Just four more to go!

Page 28: Story #2 is called "Birth of a Family" and it stars Man-bat.

Page 29: Francine, Man-bat's ex-girlfriend, is Narration Boxing about how much Kirk loved bats. He knew all the bat facts there were to know. Which is why when he wanted to create some way to help people in the world, he decided to use Bat-Genes to inject into people and make them more like bats. He was trying to help deaf people by giving them the bat DNA goo shot so that they could use echolocation to help them hear. Except they can't hear so how the fuck is echolocation supposed to help them?! Stupid Kirk Langstrom.

Page 30: Man-bat screams at a puddle.

Page 31: Francine reminisces about her life before Kirk Langstrom turned into a giant bat. He told her he's going to find a cure for deafness and says it's a shameful, disgusting character flaw in Francine that she doesn't know sign language. I know how to say cookie! And raccoon! And goat! Oh, she also remembers that she married Kirk.

Page 32: She falls in love with Kirk because of his terrible, terrible idea.

As a person that can hardly stand most of the noises I hear now, I would hate to suddenly hear even higher frequencies! There might be a very good reason humans have evolved to hear only what they can currently hear. Perhaps those that could hear higher or lower frequencies were driven insane or their heads blew up or they just sat their unable to function. I'm okay with the restorative features of the goo, but fuck that biosonar bullshit. Can you imagine how fucking confused and dizzy you would become in a city with a bunch of people squealing away?

Page 33: A man on Page 32 asks Kirk if he's encountered any side effects and Kirk shrugs them off and says they're working to remedy them. In the meantime, he's got a lab full of screaming bat-children tearing the place apart. I'm not so sure those are "side-effects". I guess if you were using acid to remove a wart, you would call the loss of your appendage a "side-effect" too.

Page 34: Back in the present, Francine is getting super horny watching the lab bats hanging on their branches together. So she gets a really super hot and sexy idea!

Page 35: Francine drinks the goo so that she can become a Man-bat as well! Also, Page 35 is the first page of the second half of the comic book according to the staples I'm looking at. Which means the adverts also count as part of the 80 pages! What a fucking ripoff! How dare you proclaim an "80 page spectacular" when about ten of those "spectacular" pages are advertisements! Now my whole counting system is off! Jerks!

Page 36 & 37: A pinup by Alex Maleev and Nathan Fairbairn of Batman having anal sex with the Bat Signal. It looks like the Bat Signal really likes it because it's shooting its load straight into the sky.

Page 38: A pinup by Brett Booth, Norm Rapmund, and Andrew Dalhouse of Batman farting in Clayface's face.

Clayface looks horrified.

Page 39: The Bane story begins with Bane inspecting his army at a prison. Or else he's delivering a gigantic throat lozenge to the warden.

Page 40: The story is called "War Council." Bane has overtaken a prison and become king shitheel. He now has some Brainstorm looking nutjob working on a prison version of venom out of the toilet.

Page 41: Malicia, Wolfspider, Brute, Bane, and the Brainy Guy are planning on taking over Gotham. So they're in the prison courtyard discussing plans on dealing with the other mob bosses and crazies of the city.

Page 42: A year previously, Bane was going to reenact The Dark Knight Rises but was stopped before he could even begin by unknown forces.

Page 43: Those unknown forces were The Court of Owls' Talons. They killed all of Bane's men. I guess all of Bane's men were on The Talons' hit list.

Page 44: Bane tears the head off a Talon or two but doesn't exactly finish the story about that night. What night was it? If there were that many Talons, it had to be The Night of the Talons, right? Because they were brought forward that night. The Talons make Bane so angry that he screws up in his next fight against The Batman.

Page 45: That next fight against The Batman, that fight that takes place after The Night of Owls, is the one that takes place in one of the worst story arcs of The New 52: David Finch's Scarecrow run in The Dark Knight. I guess The Dark Knight #1 doesn't even take place until after The Night of the Talons. Maybe that would shine some light on why the fuck Venomized Deathstroke drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane just before Batman fights Superman and Bane.

Page 46: Bane was approached by one of the Court of Owls at the base of the cliff Batman just threw him off. It's probably Sebastian Clark already setting plans in motion to destroy the Next Generation Court of Owls rising from the ashes of his failed Court. So he tells Bane the rhyme and that the Court were as much responsible as Batman for Bane failing and Bane believes this mysterious asshole because he's a gigantic pile of shit that can't accept his own failures. He's always got to blame somebody else even when that somebody else is an urban legend.

Page 47: Bane reveals to everyone his personal item he smuggled into prison up his ass.

Notice their reaction to the mask? They know exactly how Bane smuggled that thing into prison.

Page 48: Bane walks away from the smashed and stinking mask and heads to Talon #7 while his army prepares. The End.

Page 49: This fucking comic book is way too long! I can't believe I paid $7.99 for it. I skipped dinner because of this comic book! Oh, and this page is another pinup. It's by Chris Burnham and Nathan Fairbairn. It depicts Damian Wayne spending quality time with his mom and dad.

Page 50: Another Bat Pinup. This one by Jason Fabok and Emilio Lopez. It depicts Batman standing on a roof trying to untangle his bat grapple's rope.

Page 51: The third story begins. It is called "Birdwatching" and it stars Mr. Combustible. Hopefully this story ends with Mr. Combustible trying to smoke a cigarette and killing himself instead.

Page 52: Emperor Penguin is using the cover of the Man-bat infestation to send his minions (in this case, Mr. Combustible!) to loot the city. One of the minion's minions removes his gas mask to scratch his nose and Mr. Combustible has him killed. He's volatile!

Page 53: Mr. My Head Is A Glass Flask Full of Flammable Gas's thugs refuse to shoot Rizzo. Right up until he turns into a Man-bat.

Page 54: Rizzo is shot to death. Mr. Combustible looks at his watch. How does he tell time?! Does he have eyes somewhere inside his glass flask face? He's like Mr. Monopoly and Mr. Peanut and high school Chemistry Lab all rolled into one.

Page 55: The voice of the Narration Boxes always hint that the story is being told to a second party somewhere in the future. But that's never the case so I just grumble and rant and move on. But this time, it turns out that Mr. Combustible IS telling the story of the night of the goo while in prison on a prison phone to whoever his visitor might be. Oh wait! I just realized who is visitor is! It's him! He's the visitor and he's relating Emperor Penguin's plans of that night to The Penguin! Ha ha! In your face, Ogilvy!

Page 56: Mr. Combustible wasn't the only criminal on the street working for Emperor Penguin. Mr. Mosaic and Hypnotic and Imperceptible Man and all of the new second string Gotham Mob Bosses were out stealing shit for Emperor Penguin that night.

For somebody who once preached lying low as the key to success in Gotham, Ogilvy sure is reaching for the fucking stars.

Page 57: The Penguin blows a brain gasket and freaks the fuck out.

Why does Mr. Combustible have to hold the phone up to the side of his flask?

Page 58: By kidnapping and threatening the Judge's family, Mr. Combustible helps to get The Penguin out of the stupid fucking trespassing charges that Batman seemed to think were going to put The Penguin away for life. Or at least that's the premise. The actual courtroom battle to determine if The Penguin is guilty of trespassing continues in a future issue. I don't even know why it matters! Trespassing probably will just result in community service. And Oswald Cobblepot loves serving his community.

Page 59: A Batman pinup by Andy Clarke. Batman is either skulking in an alley lit by a single streetlamp or he's delivering a Shakespearean soliloquy on stage under a spotlight.

Page 60: A pinup of a thug terrified by the bat shadow puppet that his friend just made. It's by Francesco Francavilla.

Page 61: The final story begins. It's called "Through a Blue Lens" and stars the Gotham City Police Department. I smell graft!

Page 62: The scene takes place in a hospital room where one of Gotham City's less than finest is recovering from a broken arm. He had turned into a Man-bat and got into a scrape with Batman. His fellow police officers toast to his fighting Batman.

Page 63: While the men foam at the mouth about Batman getting his comeuppance for making them all look lazy, Nancy Strode stands up for Batman. She's the police officer that had to guard The Joker's face in one of the earlier backup stories for Detective Comics. I guess she's trying to become as recognizable as Renee Montoya or Harvey Bullock.

Page 64: The most rabid officer declares that Batman first appeared in Gotham five years ago. I guess. Maybe he was just an urban legend up until he joined the Justice League. This officer's first meeting with Batman ended with him taking some shots at Batman.

Page 65: Nancy suspects this asshole was just pissed that Batman got all the credit for taking down the man he was after. Although if I were a cop and suddenly some guy in a scary Bat outfit that was created to scare people suddenly jumped out from the dark, I might shoot at him too! If I wasn't a cop, which I'm not, I wouldn't have though. I was just trying to put myself in the shoes of a police officer and I know they love to shoot off their weapons because no court on Earth will convict them even when they kill an innocent bystander as long as they keep repeating, "I thought he was armed."

Page 66: The other cops get pissed and storm out because Nancy is speaking her mind instead of towing the fraternal line. After they're gone and Nancy is leaving Hector the Ex-Man-Bat, he tells her to hold up. He lied to the others about what happened with The Batman.

Page 67: He remembers wanting to kill. And he remembers Batman breaking his arm to stop him.

Page 68: Strode and Hector become the best of friends. The end!

I think all police forces in the DC Universe should be disbanded and replaced by Super Hero teams. I think there are enough B-list super heroes to fill out the major cities' departments.

Page 69: A Batman pinup by Cameron Stewart showing Batman sitting on the top of a skyscraper and looking into the abyss.

Page 70: A pinup by Dustin Nguyen. Batman and The Joker are engaged in strangulation sex play. From the looks on their faces, they're both thoroughly enjoying it.

And that's that! It was really just a 70-page spectacular with 10 pages of totally terrific advertisements! Holy fuck. What an ordeal.

Detective Comics #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm giving it a positive ranking even though I think I'm completely burned out with Batmen and Men-Bats and any other combination of bats and men you can think of. But I'm not burned out on Emperor Penguin and most of this comic was about his scheming and being a generally arrogant douche.

Also, yes, I fucking know it was about the 900 and not about goo. Sheesh.

Swamp Thing #19

When I first opened this cover, I thought that was Bizarro and got way more excited than I probably should have.

Swamp Thing no longer has a human side so he needed a new writer. Maybe I've been wrong all along about new writers sticking to the old writers' characters and stories and histories. Perhaps Jim Starlin had the right idea by simply erasing the previous writer's characters from existence so he could start over. Except how am I supposed to care about any of these characters when they constantly flip personalities? I understand DC doesn't really have much of a choice about keeping a single writer on every title they do. But is it any wonder that I stopped reading comic books when Cerebus ended? Sure, Dave Sim kind of fucked himself at the end when he began obsessing with his religious beliefs that reintegrated Judaism, Islam, and Christianity as if they never branched out from each other. I guess that's a pitfall of having the same writer. But is it any wonder that after I stopped reading monthly comics, the two comic books I kept following via trade paperbacks were Fables and Walking Dead? The common link between those? A single writer across all issues (well, maybe Fables had a few guest stories here and there. But that hardly counts).

Not that I'm already complaining that Swamp Thing has a new writer! I think changes in writers work on comic books when they have time to finish out their stories and create a moment where a new writer easily fits in. Like Swamp Thing losing his human side. Or Stormwatch breaking up. Oh wait. Stormwatch could have been anywhere in their story since they were just simply erased from existence when Adam One was killed at the beginning of the universe because they weren't selling enough Stormwatch books to old Stormwatch fans. So Starlin gets to bring back characters more like the originals even though they're the same characters that were just wiped from the New 52. What does this mean for the 19th Century Stormwatch tale being told in All Star Western? Adam One is currently recruiting them and now Adam One doesn't exist. But more importantly, how does this affect Swamp Thing?

And the first page of Swamp Thing gets all contrary on my comment that "Swamp Thing no longer has a human side." Because Swamp Thing is sitting in the desert thinking that all he is is his human side! I guess losing the body part of Alec Holland hasn't changed the fact that it's still Alec Holland's mind whereas the Pre-52 Swamp Thing didn't even have Alec's mind and was simply a confused plant. Now he's a man that looks like a plant but isn't confused about the fact that he still has the mind of a man. I guess hanging out in the desert as a cactus man can bring a new perspective to your life.

What I like about this new Swamp Thing (new? Or should I simply say, "Changed"?) is that he's actively listening to plants now. He's not just poor, abused Alec Holland trying to deal with his death and his own problems. He's opened himself up and is receptive to the voices of other plants. He is now ready to deal with problems that don't directly relate to his own ego. I'm not sure because I don't want to think about it for too long, but he might be the first of The New 52 characters to come to grips with his Rebooted self and is ready to simply have comic book adventures! Okay, maybe The Flash has long since come to terms with his role. But he should have! He's supposed to do everything faster than everyone else. And probably a whole bunch more but then I'd be arguing against my own point and I'd never get anywhere in my writing if I began doing that. Well, maybe I would. But it wouldn't be anywhere I wanted to go. It would simply be one digression after another and pretty soon it would all just end with me calling myself a cunt-faced motherfucker and storming away from the computer pissed off at myself. Oh, sure. That might be entertaining to somebody watching my office from a hidden spy camera. But since I'd be too angry to hit the POST button, nobody else would ever get to enjoy it.

You know what? I was going to scan a panel that had something to do with my original point. I forget what that was but here's the panel anyway.

I think he's painting all plants with a pretty wide and stereotypical brush!

Swamp Thing has come to the desert because the plants won't shut up about a new piece of tropical rainforest growing in the desert where it shouldn't be growing. Swamp Thing must be old fashioned because he heads to the desert and destroys it because, historically, this shouldn't be this way. So I guess Swamp Thing's against technological advancements in creating ecosystems outside their normal parameters? A nice piece of Tropical Rainforest can't exist where it shouldn't exist because mankind created it instead of nature? The new Swamp Thing is a complete and utter fascist! I think that's probably a good thing. I mean, he knows plants. I don't know plants at all! He must have a good reason for destroying this place that humans can't fathom.

Some guy named The Seeder is manipulating The Green to help people. The Swamp Thing is going about undoing all of his good work because The Swamp Thing knows better than The Seeder. Or else The Swamp Thing has become a Super Villain! Stupid jerk! Help the people, not the plants!

Oh! I bet The Seeder is Monsanto. He's probably fucking up biodiversity, sending the world into a place where one catastrophic disease will end all plant life because it's all been so closely tied together with all the same genes spliced into every single plant. Except it's not that at all. It's just like I said earlier about how The Swamp Thing sees how when The Green is manipulated unnaturally in one place (even if it helps humans), it hurts and changes The Green in another place. Eventually fucking with the natural order too much will collapse the whole system. And The Swamp Thing is just being a good Avatar of the Green. He's not trying to rule the world or defeat The Red or The Rot; he's simply keeping the balance.

The Swamp Thing is doing an awful lot of Narration Boxing. It's almost like he's writing his memoirs. He is a plant though. And he did say how plants can't shut up. So the logic is consistent.

After Sudan, The Swamp Thing travels through the Green and regrows in Metropolis to visit the Metropolis Botanical Garden.

Well you'd better fucking destroy it then! Unnatural!

The Swamp Thing has come to Metropolis to hang out with humans. Or with super-humans, actually. He wants to speak with Superman. They've got that whole died and came back from the dead thing in common, so he probably wants to gab about that a bit. But I suppose The Scarecrow is also in town. He probably needs some ingredients for a Fear Toxin and he can only find those ingredients in the Metropolis Botanical Garden. Well, he could find them all over the world. But he can only find them all in one place for the cost of one ferry ticket across the bay here in the Botanical Garden.

Swamp Thing wants Superman to tell him it's okay to choose plants over people since Superman constantly has to choose people over people. Perhaps Swamp Thing and Superman can set up some kind of helpful exchange program. When Swamp Thing takes away an oasis that will cause a whole bunch of people to die, he can contact Superman to come and save those people by bringing them soup and bottled water. Hey, you try to think up a charity program on the first try! That's my best first guess. It probably needs to be workshopped a bit more to get it right. Maybe Superman will just tell Swamp Thing to stop doing things that put people in danger, you stupid plant. You're no better than Poison Ivy and Kudzu.

I love this portrayal of plants so much. "OH MY GOD! SWAMP THING IS ACTUALLY HERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! SWAMP THING! SWAMP THING! OVER HERE! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! IT'S REALLY HIM!"

Swamp Thing might not be very horrory right now (except maybe for the rats) but I'm really enjoying the new voice. Pouty and depressed can only go so far. Now he's a bit perplexed about his job but he's enjoying it and embracing it and making plant friends everywhere he goes.

I'm hoping the horror will pick up and the comic can be both of these things at the same time. If that happens, Charles Soule will have nailed his target audience of me.

Am I the only one that hates "squee" and is super sick of it? It just smacks of trying too hard to be overwhelmed by cuteness. Think up your own reaction, internet denizens. For me, "squee" occupies nearly the same space as "meh".

I think Charles is gently easing us into the horror part of the comic book. An underground nest of rats eating away at the roots of a Banyan Tree. Smashed and crushed rats bleeding everywhere. Swamp Thing walking off leaving a trail of blood. I think these are omens! Squee!

I hate myself. Even for using it sarcastically. Meh.

OH GOD I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF FOR REAL NOW!

Meanwhile The Scarecrow is sneaking into the Botanical Garden to steal some Nightshade. Or something. I already said I don't know my plants! But Swamp Thing is there to stop him before Scarecrow can clip any flowers. I bet the plants are going fucking bananas right now! Especially the bananas! "HOLY MANURE! THE SWAMP THING IS FIGHTING THE SCARECROW! I COULD LITERALLY WILT HAPPY RIGHT NOW!"

Does DC really need more Scarecrow stories? This fucker is everywhere! Well, he's mostly in The Dark Knight and then again in The Dark Knight and then in Detective Comics and then in all those other places I'm sure he's been. Oh! Like Justice League America #2.

After the Swamp Thing gets his fill of talking to another human (or a human. I still think Swamp Thing is delusional thinking of himself as a human) and giving him advice on how to raise the Terror Foxglove Flower Thing, Swamp Thing decides to come out of the shadows to try to scare the unscareable.

"PRUNE HIS APPENDAGES, SWAMPY!" "MULCH HIM!" "COMPOST HIM!" "POLLINATE HIS FACE!" "NO, NO! POLLINATE MY FACE!" "NO! MINE!" "YOU CAN POLLINATE MY ROOTS!"

I think that might be the first time I've ever written Plant Porn.

The fight goes poorly for Swamp Thing because he has no offense. He just stands there while The Scarecrow pollinates Swamp Thing's face over and over again. Well, that isn't totally true. Swamp Thing does begin strangling The Scarecrow by taking control of the hay in his hood. But since Swamp Thing doesn't want to kill him, he doesn't punch Crane in the head. I'm pretty sure a butterfly could accidentally fly into Crane's face and break his nose. He's a weakling!

The Scarecrow must have designed that spray specifically for Poison Ivy who was killed by Katana. Or not.

Whatever the spray did to Swamp Thing (probably made him scared, right?), it knocked him out and caused him to sprout all over Metropolis. Superman sees his city suddenly covered in vines like a scene straight out of Rotworld and quietly judges from the sky. "Holland," he thinks because he's super smart. Also he has super vision. And probably super smell. I bet Swamp Thing has a very distinctive smell. That would probably be the worst super sense. Super hearing would drive me mad because I'm really sensitive to certain sounds. But super smell? Disgusting. I imagine Clark Kent would be gagging and retching throughout his entire day. Lois probably thinks he's a wuss with a weak stomach.

Swamp Thing #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed every aspect of this comic book even though it was mostly Narration Boxes. I don't always have to hate them just for the sake of hating them. I only hate them when Scott Lobdell writes them simply for the sake of hating Scott Lobdell. I knew I could work in my distaste for him into another commentary!

Animal Man #19

This cover is a dick.

Animal Man, a recap:

Issues #1-17: Foreshadow Cliff's Death.
Issue #18: Cliff Dies.
Issue #19: I haven't fucking read it yet. Hold on to your horses!

For the first year and a half of DC Comics Reboot, The Suicide Squad has successfully managed to kill one person. In the last two months, people have been dropping all over the place! Damian Wayne. Matu Ba. Cliff Baker. Umm. Okay, maybe not ALL over the place. But that's a whole lot more than Suicide Squad and none of these other comic books have "suicide" in the title! Adam Glass, you are a failure! Get with the keeping people dead already! I'm tired of your plot revolving around Amanda Waller creating a resurrection serum so that she never has to deal with a dead teammate ever again. The whole point of the Suicide Squad is to kill people and thus keep an entertaining, ever-shifting group of B Grade Super Villains! You have failed at Suicide Squad 101. I guess it is a reboot though and you decided to take it in a different direction. Well, whatever direction you headed in, all it did was get you lost.

Animal Man begins with six depressing panels. I imagine the rest of the panels are also going to be depressing. I think I've had enough funerals and graveside chats in my comic books the last couple of months.

If life doesn't suck enough for anyone right now, let me help make it more horrible with the following cavalcade of sadness.

That's probably enough sadness for one commentary. I very much doubt it's all the sadness that this issue can dish out though. Buddy Baker has always been about family and now his family is gone. How long will it last? Will Ellen's mom convince her to get back with Buddy? Will Buddy simply turn into a squirrel and go live in a park, eventually forgetting that he was ever human? Will Maxine and Socks bring Cliff back to life as a zombified, monstrous horror? I suppose the most probable thing will be Buddy going crazy, trying to figure out a way to bring Cliff back so Ellen will take him back, and completely screwing it up in that zombified monstrous horror way I mentioned last sentence.

Come on, Socks! A dog would help Maxine bring back Cliff.

While Maxine ponders blasphemy, Buddy heads into the Red to fix his family. Since Ellen wants to be normal and have a normal life, perhaps Buddy is going to ask the Parliament of the Red if there is a way to take on the burden of the Avatar of the Red himself so that Maxine can be normal. It's possible he'll first want the powers taken away from both of them. But DC isn't going to let that happen. I don't think Animal Man is a good enough character to support his own comic book. This book is all about Buddy Baker.

As he enters The Red, his first thought is to try to convince the Totems to find a new Animal Man. As I just said, I believe that won't happen so he'll have to modify his request to somehow take the burden off of Maxine, letting Ellen and Maxine have a normal life even if he can't be with them. So he barges in and tells them what's what and how it's going to be!

That doesn't work out very well for him.

Buddy Baker is sent packing from The Red and isn't welcome back until the Totems call him. He's banished and he loses his link to The Red. He's now lost his family but worst of all, he's lost his connection to every other living thing. What must such a loss feel like? Cut off from everything just like everybody else. Except Buddy isn't used to it. It's like immediately losing your sense of smell. Eventually he'll hardly notice a difference. But right now, he's probably overwhelmed by the loss. Now he's simply a cross between Vixen and Beast Boy. Just another super hero and just another lonely human being.

Animal Man #19 Rating: No change. Here's what I would do with this comic book now. I'd send Buddy Baker off into a downward spiral, living in a motel, drinking constantly, ignoring the world entirely. Change the name of the comic book to "Animal Girl and Socks" and concentrate on their small, neighborhood adventures where Maxine learns to use her powers while fixing problems for local animals like Squirrels and Raccoons. Socks will use this time to train her and Maxine will constantly be hiding her powers from her mom. Have Maxine experiment with bringing Cliff back and have him come back as a worm or a goldfish but with the ability to think and speak like old Cliff. Maxine has to hide Cliff from her mom but she takes him with her to school and on adventures. Every few months, Maxine will try to help return Cliff to being a boy and he'll become a larger creature. Maybe he'll go from fish to small bird to gerbil to hamster to guinea pig to whatever. Ellen might still be in mourning but she'd be a background character that Maxine is mostly just trying to avoid since Maxine knows she has a responsibility to the world as the Avatar of the Red. Perhaps Ellen's mom could discover the secret of Cliff and she'd see how important Maxine's role is and how serious Maxine is taking it. So Ellen's mom will begin looking for Buddy to bring him back to the family and make everything all right again. There would be no more tragedy. Fuck tragedy. I'm tired of tragedy. I want silliness and whimsy and fun and I think Maxine and Socks would be great as title characters of their own comic book.

Dial H #11

Does the Exchange only exchange super powers? Or does The Flash currently have whatever skill Nelson has? I don't think Nelson has any skills though. So The Flash is fucked over there in Flash #19 unless the only way to beat the Outlander Nation is to smoke more cigarettes than they can smoke and then have a mild cardiac infarction.

Last issue ended with Nelson and Roxie making out in their Hero and Sidekick personae. This happens not because Nelson has been romantically or sexually attracted to Roxie all this time, although the two have invariably been getting close sharing the intimate experience of the Dial changes. What really turns them on is the way they're linked when they worked together as hero and sidekick. As a Sidekick, everything just felt right when Manteau told him what to do. He looked up to her and wanted to please her. Which makes their kiss at the end of the comic book pretty disturbing and creepy. It feels like Manteau is abusing her power. It reads very much like pedophilia with the person in power overstepping the bounds of propriety and taking advantage of the sidekick's hero worship. And taking their ages into account, Roxie is pretty much robbing the cradle here.

But I suppose to those less cynical and less willing to find the most perverse pleasure in anything they read, maybe it was kind of romantic.

While Nelson and Roxie are enjoying the easy lubrication of Roxie's young and virile super hero persona, The Human Centipede is busy killing members of the Nameless Canadian Black Ops Mounties Group so that he can hook up the French Dial Religion Bishop to some huge machine which will enable him to get in contact with The Exchange. I think. Something like that.

Oh man! I just remembered Nelson turns into The Flash on the cover! Roxie had better get ready for a pounding!

I think she's up for it!

But things are weird as well they should be! Apparently Nelson feels the same way I do about the boundaries crossed in this situation.

I think Roxie is suggesting they fuck after every Dial to ameliorate the side effects of Dialing! That strumpet!

To avoid having a discussion with the older woman that seduced him while he was vulnerable and under her tutelage, Nelson uses the Hero Dial and turns into The Flash. He needed to escape and he got super speed powers. Does that mean he's getting more control over the Dial?

The best part about this, of course, is that The Flash just got screwed over in his own comic because Nelson didn't want to talk about getting screwed. What an abuse of the Dial and it could cost Barry Allen his life (it won't)! Nelson writes Roxie a note at super speed and gets the fuck out of the hotel room.

Oh wait! My mistake! I jumped to conclusions before turning the page to find out what was really going on.

You know what would get him to stop? Speaking! The Flash always slows down when he speaks so that other people can hear his hilarious puns!

I wonder if Nelson will make some stupid running puns!

Back in Canada, The Human Centipede is trying to open a door to the Exchange so that The Fixer (the guy that can hunts Dials and shuts them off) will thankfully visit them and use the door since The Fixer's Dial's traveling ability seems to be broken. That's why he hitched a ride through The Abyss in the first Dial H story arc. And eventually it works and The Fixer appears. And The Human Centipede offers him a deal. He'll let him through the door so he can shut off the Dials he missed but he has to give The Human Centipede something in return.

Roxie and Nelson begin following a trail that won't lead anywhere pleasant when they begin to ask what happened to the real Flash now that Nelson has his identity. Nelson quickly searches for the real Flash using the speed powers but can't find him. And luckily Nelson is confused and distracted or else he might realize The Flash is Barry Allen. But then Roxie reminds The Flash of the Zero Issue story and they both suddenly realize where they get the super powers.

Well fuck. Why is it that whenever something is a lot of fun, things always wind up being more complicated than originally believed? No more good time Dialing! Now it's a serious responsibility with serious consequences.

While they're busy trying to figure out if they should even use the Dial anymore, The Human Centipede has joined forces with The Fixer and let him through the door. I still don't know what their deal was but it seemed to be good enough for both of them. With The Fixer's ability to turn into any hero it wants at any time, it easily chases down Nelson Flash and Roxie in Australia where Nelson's power finally gives out.

Whoops.

Dial H #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. One of the things Nelson and Roxie realized is that the Dial only works for people with heroic intentions. Ex Nihilo was able to use it for mysterious reasons but The Human Centipede could not get it to activate because he is a murdering bastard. They still don't know how it chooses powers or what the consequences of taking another person's powers are, but none of that will probably matter now that The Fixer is about to shut down their Dial fun next issue.