The Phantom Stranger #7

Get it? The guy that betrays people is getting a taste of his own semen! Wait, that's not how that saying goes.

The new Dr. Thirteen looks like my cousin Travis. What that means is that he looks appropriately nerdy on this cover. I think maybe his chin should be a bit weaker, maybe his glasses a bit thicker, his teeth a wee bit scragglier, and his hair slightly greasier. And then he'd be an appropriate stereotype and I could accept him being the super smart technological master he is! But he'll just never be as awesome as his top hat wearing, sideburns sporting, fully rational ancestor. This guy just feels like a conniving jerk that desperately wants to be in on the important goings on in the New DC. And now he's going to try to murder The Phantom Stranger with the Spear of Longinus? Hmm, I could buy that.

The issue begins with The Phantom Stranger sitting in church. Is he seeking solace? Is he basking in the glory of his ultimate betrayal? Or is he just taking a break from wandering forever? Whatever he's doing, it's interrupted by a priest homing in on the scent of despair.

You know, I don't mind if you want to try to convert me while I'm in your church. But if you dare fucking quote C.S. Lewis at me, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

That quote is just the kind of bullshit that C.S. Lewis was the master of. He had a way of saying things that people who were desperate to believe or already believed or were too stupid to respond with, "That actually doesn't make any fucking sense," would eat up as profound wisdom. Let's pretend this wasn't just linguistic pablum and take it seriously for a moment. How would C.S. Lewis know it was all plan and not "no plan"? Yeah, he can't know it but oh my Lord doesn't it just FEEL RIGHT?! Hallelujah! That makes so much sense! And something without a center? Why, maybe it's all center! My next project (after DC crumbles and returns to the old Universe which I won't be going back to) is to do a line by line analysis of Mere Christianity. If I can manage to keep my lunch down as I read it.

The Chronicles of Narnia were good though if you ignored the underlying Christian mythology. Although by ignoring that, you're kind of missing the point of the whole series and C.S. Lewis would probably rather you just went off and read The Wizard of Oz instead. I don't think that children's series was about Jesus!

Upon exiting the church, The Stranger runs into Dog.

I'm usually against kicking dogs in the face but I'd be willing to turn the other cheek on this one.

Dog has called The Stranger to Metropolis so they could engage in philosophical banter. Maybe He called him there for some other reason which hasn't been revealed yet since I read so slowly and am constantly distracted by the voices in my head. The Stranger arguing with Dog just makes me think of all the time I've spent debating my friend I've mentioned many times before, Soy Rakelson. I don't even know why Dog bothers to debate with The Stranger. Why is Dog so Doggamned desperate to get The Stranger to see his point of view? I guess Dog is cursing his Free Will Clause at this point. Why can't he just force everyone to believe? It would be so much easier!

When people say God doesn't make mistakes, they're wrong and they've obviously never read The Bible. Because giving man Free Will was a huge mistake. And God even acknowledges it when he destroys mankind with a flood. Why give mankind Free Will simply to destroy mankind when they use that Free Will to be something other than what God demands them to be? That was the biggest bullshit move in the history of mythological tales ever! And Zeus and Odin pulled a lot of bullshit!

God: "Hey, mankind, go on and do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. You're free to choose your own life. Go ahead. Make some choices! Make mistakes! Go for it!"
God: "Woah woah woah. What's that tower you guys are building? That's what you decided to do? Try to build a tower to my vacation cottage? OH NO. Fuck that shit. It's destroyed. And to make sure you never do that with your Free Will again, none of you will be able to understand each other ever again. Unless you're all adept at language and shit. But I don't think you monkeys are that smart."
God: "Okay. Now what are y'all doing? Jesus Christ, you know there are other things to do with your time than fornicating?! And with my angels, no less? Unh unh! This can't stand. Sheesh, you and your fucking Free Will. If I'd've known you'd use it for this kind of nastiness, I never would have given it to you! Okay, I'm going to have to start over. Let me find the least despicable of you...let's see...aha! This drunk and his family over here. Hey! Hey Noah! You're my man! Too drunk to really exploit the Free Will Clause, I think you'll do to start this shit over. Now drown, bitches!"

Anyway, Dog has led The Stranger to Metropolis to betray Jack Ryder. Or use Jack Ryder to betray someone else. Maybe someone named Clark or Lois. But probably not someone named Jimmy. I'm pretty sure Jack Ryder was that dick news guy that tried to fuck over Superman or Clark or somebody and then Fake Nanobot Uniform Superman tried to drop him from a building. I could be wrong about that though because that was a long time ago and I suck at remembering names.

And we hit the Trifecta for horrible philosophical/theological texts and/or writers that people worship without daring to give a proper, cynical deconstructionist once-over! The Bible. C.S. Lewis. Ayn Rand (via the Atlas Shrugged Beer and the "Who is John Galt?" button).

Atlas Shrugged is also on my list of books to read and write commentary on after The Bible, The Qur'an, The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, Mere Christianity, Twilight, and then Atlas Shrugged. I don't imagine I'll ever get anywhere close to finishing this list since I'm only 46 pages into Genesis and already have 300 pages of commentary on it. Sure, a good percentage of those pages are made-up facts and goat fucking jokes, but it's still commentary!

The Phantom Stranger is looking a bit like Steve Martin in this issue. Or maybe Karl Malden. IMDB it, kids!

While The Phantom Stranger tries to convince Jack Ryder that he can be useful in another way besides the show, "You Don't Know Jack", which he just quit (because Morgan Edge was trying to impose too much editorial control. I think Dan DiDio is portraying all of the writers at DC that have walked off their books as the asshole Jack Ryder!), an ever-present news report on an ever-present nearby television catches their attention.

I might be one of a very select and elite and super smart few who actually really enjoyed the Challengers of the Unknown run in DC Universe Presents. Also, this monster is my new favorite character just after Alysia Yeoh. I wonder if this monster will turn out to be trans as well?

I have yet to read Batgirl #19 but since I follow Gail Simone on Tumblr, I ended up being spoiled by the revelation that Alysia is transsexual. I just want to say to all of the people now jumping on the Alysia is an awesome character bandwagon simply because of this reveal, she was my favorite character in the DCnU long before you decided to like her for something as shallow as her sexual/gender identity! So get off my fucking Alysia Yeoh bandwagon, you superficial dicks! Ha ha! "Superficial Dicks" would be an excellent name for a trans rock band.

Jack Ryder runs out of the bar in a panic when he realizes the monster is three blocks away from the bar. He is almost crushed by a car but the stupid, interfering Phantom Stranger saves him. Dammit. That would have been the best moment in comics this week! But Ryder is impressed and decides to use The Phantom Stranger and his power to get back on the air. Once he's on the air, I'm sure The Phantom Stranger and Dog will manipulate and use him to their advantage.

As Morgan Edge is evacuating his workers from the PGN building, Ryder shows up and tells Morgan he wants to be rehired with a raise. And to prove that he's worth it (or simply expecting to be rehired because he has such a tremendous ego), Jack is going to remain within the building and broadcast the dangerous events. While Morgan wouldn't let any other employees stay even though they wanted to because Morgan likes them, he readily allows Ryder to remain behind. I guess this is the rehire job interview. If Ryder survives, he's got his old job back.

That's not reporting! That's interpretation! Or misrepresentation! Or complete and utter bullshit with no evidence to support it! Which I think is the definition of bullshit. Not the first definition which is waste material evacuated from a bull's bowels. But the second definition which means big lies!

When is The Stranger going to get stabbed by the Spear of Longinus? I bet that doesn't happen until the final page! What a spoiler!

And then Jack Ryder fails his new interview and it's one of the most awesome moments in DC Comics this week!

I'm pretty sure if you're a character that dies at Dan DiDio's hands, you stay dead. Been nice knowing you, Jack!

Too bad one of my new favorite characters doesn't last very long. Just like when I had that new favorite character in Firestorm! The super patriotic yet insane Firestorm that died the same issue he was introduced? That was stupid. Well, this beast that is enjoying himself way too much in that panel above explodes on the next page with Jack Ryder in its hand. I think the Challengers of the Unknown did something challenging and unknown to it.

Dog finally lets The Stranger go and The Stranger appears before Terrance Thirteen. Thirteen is acting weird so The Stranger decides to finally speak to him kindly instead of screaming at him the entire time. The Stranger is just being nice because Thirteen can, supposedly, help him find his family. So The Stranger even tells Thirteen that he's come to trust him. That has to be a lie because it's completely out of character. The Stranger is simply willing to say whatever he has to say to get his family back. I mean to get Phil's family back.

And then The Question appears and The Phantom Stranger turns back into a stark raving lunatic at the sight of him. They tussle for a bit and then the cover happens on the last page.

What a twist!

The Phantom Stranger #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is meaty and well paced. That wasn't supposed to sound pornographic.

The Phantom Stranger #6

I've always thought of Hell as more of a Nation-State than a City. Unless this cover is just a hellish rendering of Las Vegas. In which case you can disregard my entire oeuvre.

Yeah, it's pretty pretentious to categorize my commentaries as my "oeuvre" when they're really just a bunch of posts calling Scott Lobdell a hack, Ann Nocenti a magnetic poetry loving walrus, and Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina a jerk. Fuck it. We can't all be motherfucking John Steinbeck.

Last issue, a lot of things were not cleared up. But one thing that was cleared up: The Question was the asshat that kidnapped The Phantom Stranger's family and crucified the babysitter. Who does The Question work for? What was his crime that was so terrible that he was blessed cursed with immortality? What's his big punishment? To only ask questions? If I were forced to only speak in questions but be granted immortality at the same time, I think I could live with that. Oh! I guess I'd have to live with it! Hell, if I were in the Phantom Stranger's shoes and was forced to betray people while getting to be immortal, I'd do it. Fuck, who am I kidding? If I were forced to walk around eating dog shit as the price for immortality, I'm not too proud to say no to that deal!

Perhaps DC's Las Vegas is simply hell on earth. So, you know, like normal Las Vegas.

The Phantom Stranger must be a mystical creature of great power since he's allowed to wander around the casino in a hat pulled low over his face and a gigantic trench coat covering up his entire body. Perhaps security just thinks he's performing later. The Phantom Stranger wanders through the casino judging Las Vegas as a place people come to escape from the specter of death constantly looming before them. That doesn't really make Las Vegas any different from anywhere else in the world though. I'm pretty sure everything people do fits into two categories: Survival and I'mma Just Pretend I'm Immortal Over Here. Sure there are subcategories. And since Las Vegas is all about luxury time and frivolous activities, it radiates a sense of desperate urgency more so than, perhaps, a college campus where it looks like people are working toward something or building the future. But there's probably just as much drinking, gambling, and carousing in one as there is in the other. Appearances and cultural judgment aside, we're all just treading water until our arms and legs tire out and we sink into oblivion.

This is a might cheery comic book, isn't it?!

While wandering the casino, The Phantom Stranger gets a phone call from Dr. Thirteen on a prostitute's cell phone.

Does Dr. Thirteen's bag of snacks indicate Beppo's canonical existence in The New 52? Or is he just a made up mascot for a crappy snack food brand? Maybe Beppo is the CEO of a large snack food corporation?

The Phantom Stranger decides to play some High Stakes Poker because the VIP area has mystical blocks all around it. Hopefully he'll be playing with Detective Chimp!

Nope. No Detective Chimp. Just a corpse, three Firestorm Demons, and Carmen San Diego.

The demon players (and possibly the kidnappers of The Phantom's family as opposed to The Question whose name I've been libeling all over the place) are Belial, Suge, and Ruskoff. Suge and Ruskoff are Trigon's sons. Belial is, well, the king of lies, I believe! Unless he's the Lord of Flies? One of those things. Unless it's a different one. I'm currently not on speaking terms with Lord Google, so everybody will just have to be content with my random guessing. Maybe Belial is also one of Trigon's sons!

The Phantom Stranger buys his way into the game with his necklace of silver coins. Carmen San Diego accepts them (she's the dealer!) and deals the cards (See? The dealer!).

The talk over the poker game leads to speculation that Raven kidnapped The Stranger's family because of what he did to her. Good point! There are so many possibilities! Maybe Pandora did it? Or perhaps The Phantom Stranger entered into a fugue state, killed the baby sitter and dumped his family in the ocean because he unconsciously didn't want to deal with the human aspect of his life anymore, and then came back home, hit the outside intercom and said, "Dick Laurent is dead." Or maybe God did it because he was tired of his pet Stranger constantly being distracted by soccer games and soccer games!

Oh, and besides the talk about The Phantom Stranger's personal life, they manage to play some really crappy Hades Hold 'em.

I don't think you're insulting his intelligence at all! You're just showing what a crappy player you are! Needing two more cards for your straight with two cards left to turn up is hardly a "potential straight." That's praying to a fart.

Apparently it wasn't simply knowing how to play poker but The Phantom Stranger's magic Jedi Mind Trick that caused Ruskoff to fold. But he won't be able to use that trick against Suge since Suge goes all in with his three sixes. The Phantom Stranger needs one more card to fill his flush. Belial has a pair of Jacks and a long shot straight as well. Everybody else at the table goes all in as well. Now if Hades Hold 'em uses the same rules as Texas Hold 'em, The Stranger has a pretty decent shot at winning this. But at the beginning of the game, Ruskoff began to tell the rules and Suge shut him the heaven up. So I'm not really sure what a winning hand comprises in this game! Maybe they don't acknowledge flushes and The Stranger is playing a dead hand!

Dude. With a full house, you stab yourself in the face and quit just because you thought The Stranger was cheating? Anyway, why would he need to root around your head to see your cards at this point? When everyone went all in, everybody should have turned their cards over because there's nothing left to do but see the dealer's last two cards. Or last one, at this point. Between this story, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow poker scene, and the back-up story in Detective Comics with Hugo Strange's son playing poker, I'm beginning to think no one at DC can write a realistic poker scene. Granted, demons are playing poker here. So it's already pretty far outside the realm of realism!

Ruskoff is out because something forced him to fold. Suge is out because something forced him to stab himself in the face. And now, for some reason, Belial chooses to bow out instead of seeing the final card when he realizes The Stranger hasn't been manipulating the other players to cheat at poker but has been rooting around inside of their heads for information about his family's disappearance. Did some other force cause Belial to end the game early as well?

Carmen San Diego is looking a bit gaunt all of a sudden.

The person The Phantom is speaking to in that last panel is Deadman. So I guess he makes it back from Faerie! That means he won't be the one that Constantine leaves behind. That'll probably be Tim Hunter anyway since that's fitting and not a big deal. But getting back to The Phantom Stranger and leaving Justice League Dark commentary for later, Deadman tells The Stranger that the demons weren't lying. They have no idea what happened to The Stranger's family.

After the encounter, The Stranger gets another phone call from Dr. Thirteen. He tells The Stranger to get his ass over to his lab as soon as possible or it will be the end of everything. He's lying simply to get him back so The Question can fuck with him. So after all that, it looks like The Question did kidnap The Stranger's family. And this wild goose chase was simply The Question's way of creating a rift between Belial and The Stranger because The Question is a dick.

The Phantom Stranger #6 Rating: No change. How long before Detective Chimp shows up? That's all I ask!