Red Lanterns #18

In this very special issue of Red Lanterns, Atrocitus learns forgiveness.

Is this Wrath of the Fisting Lantern thing still going on? So far, Volthoom hasn't impressed me with many of his magic mind trips. I liked Kyle Raynor's experience the best, and they all kind of went downhill from there. You know what I'm ready for? I'm ready for Green Lantern to begin having space adventures where the fate of everything isn't on the line. I'm sick of every comic book story where the fate of everything is on the line. On the rare occasion they're written well, it can be interesting. But I tend to find the fate of everything is mostly used by lazy writers that can't be bothered to deal with characters and their individual motivations. The Flash is currently doing this really well which is surprising since he's the one usually causing everything to collapse. I'd like to see Green Lantern get a break from these cosmic total catastrophes.

I guess it's time to see if Atrocitus's life could have been more interesting depending on how Volthoom decides to manipulate things. Volthoom seems to lack imagination, so Atrocitus will probably experience a less angry life with a less dead family.

Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.

Volthoom decides that in Atrocitus's non-dead-family life, Atrocitus would have become a revolutionary and overthrown the government on Ryutt. So according to Volthoom's reality and not the actual reality that might have happened if the Manhunters didn't go wonky, Atrocitus would still be a big angry asshole. Except his name would still be Atros. I'm beginning to suspect (unless I suspected this in a previous issue of this crossover) that Volthoom can't actually change reality. He just makes up a possible life for the person he's harassing and tells it to them. Then they say, "No! That's not what happened!" and Volthoom goes, "How did they know that wasn't real?! What did Kyle do to them!?"

Meanwhile on Earth, Rankorr is still trying to be human by going on a picnic with a woman he just met the night before. Rankorr doesn't even need Volthoom to implant false memories in him. He's doing the job himself by denying his own reality and pretending he never became a Red Lantern. But Bleez won't let him delude himself and she scares away his date just seconds before he ruins the date himself by telling his date the truth about himself. I guess Rankorr thought he had made a connection strong enough to withstand the revelation that he's now an angry space monster that vomits hot lava. She did seem like a pretty open-minded person.

Either Peter Milligan didn't take notes at the Wrath of the First Lantern brainstorming symposium or Volthoom has simply decided to change up his method to match my suspicions. Instead of placing Atrocitus in the new memory and the new reality, he's simply showing Atrocitus the memory as if it were a film strip. Atrocitus isn't immersed in the experience like the others were. He's simply an outside observer.

It could be after Volthoom's failure with Saint Walker, Larfleeze, and Carol Ferris, he's decided to change up his technique.

Atrocitus falls for Volthoom's big, stupid lie and believes that no matter what happened, he would have become a monster. So he comes to terms with the massacre of Ryutt because it prevented him from turning on his own family. Once again, Volthoom turns his terrorism into therapy. What a genius!

Or semi-genius, I think. Because most therapy isn't supposed to end with the patient committing suicide, is it?

I don't care how powerful Volthoom is, this just makes Atrocitus look stupid.

Red Lanterns #18 Rating: -2 Rankings. Volthoom escapes with the Guardians' Great Heart filled with their emotions which should be able to power him so that he can finally change reality. And Atrocitus is left looking like a gigantic, gullible dupe. He has more guilt than rage which is why he chooses to believe Volthoom's words. Someone has finally validated his guilt over the inability to save his family and he's chosen suicide because of it. Atrocitus has never done anything much to make me care about him as a character and this issue certainly hasn't helped to endear me to him. He's just a big angry loser. Take control of your life, asshole! Maybe Rankorr has the right idea! No, no. Bleez is the only one of the three that has finally accepted herself as a Red Lantern. Maybe after Atrocitus fights for his life against his own Corps, he'll finally embrace the monster that he is. By the way, where the hell has Dex-Starr been?! Where's my Dex-Starr/Midnighter rematch!?

Justice League Dark #18

I always like how Deadman has to be shown running into battle as well. He might as well just float above everyone cracking wise.

Constantine and his army have escaped from Epoch City, the new science capital of Faerie. Tim, Zatanna, and their army of mythological creatures are storming the city. And Tim's father is still trying to enter the Portal so that he can get Tim the solution to stopping the magic storm ripping all of the worlds apart.

A number of pages pass with people fighting and words being said before Tim and his Dragon finally destroy the shielding on the city allowing the Chaos Magic Storm to begin destroying the city.

And then Zatanna gets all touchy feely on everyone and decides that nobody should die in this war.

Too bad the "good guys" in war don't think the way Zatanna does. In fact, war should simply be a one on one, hand to hand death match between the leaders of two countries. Leaders are easy to reelect! And then the new leader can still challenge the other country's leader until one side is tired of having new elections. Although if it worked that way, I would suggest we elect a tiger or a grizzly bear as the president! His policies might suck after the other country finally stops sending in new leaders to challenge him. But he'd only be President Bear for four years! You know, I might actually like politics if there was a certain amount of randomness and whimsy inherent in the system! But that's the least of what the people who want to control everything for their own advantage want. They don't even want a level playing field! They continually rig the system to keep every advantage possible. "They" are whoever you want "them" to be. I don't have time to explain myself!

Zatanna casts a spell to help protect the citizens and then flies in with the captain of the science police, Vikar, to try to help him. Either he's going to try to kill her when he gets the chance or he's going to think, "Everything I ever learned ever was wrong! This magic person cares about human life! Where have I gone wrong? How could science teach me evil?!" And then he's going to jump off of a bridge and drown himself.

Tim's dad Jack Hunter (hee hee hee! His name has "cunt" in it!) finally arrives. And he's not the mundane nobody that everybody thought he was! He flies up to speak with Tim and freezes everything around them. I guess everybody in the Hunter family was born with the Hoodoo. And he brought Dr. Peril's plan along with him.

Why was I expecting the plan to make sense? I'm glad I didn't try guessing at it.

The plan works and everybody on Epoch lives happily ever after.

Constantine and the rest of Justice League Dark head back to Earth while Tim and Jack Hunter decide to stay behind. And back on Earth, Constantine decides Justice League Dark should be independent contractors.

I like how he simply poaches Black Orchid from A.R.G.U.S.

Justice League Dark #18 Rating: No change. This issue just seemed anti-climactic. I want to know why Black Orchid turned into a monster on the other side. Why was John incapable of lying? Why was Deadman once again alive? Why did Xanadu lose her immortality? Why didn't anything happen to Zatanna or Tim? I'm glad they won't be working for A.R.G.U.S. anymore. That was useful enough to explain the Justice League part of their name which will now stick. But if they stuck with A.R.G.U.S., it was only a matter of time before Amanda Waller was running the show.

Talon #6

This cover is like seeing a trailer for a movie that spoils the ending.

It's not like the cover actually spoils anything. The first six issues of Talon (including the Zero Issue) can be summed up easily enough in two phrases: The Court of Owls and Death-Defying Escapes. So the fact that Issue Six is going to feature another death-defying escape from the Court of Owls is only going to be a shock for those people with no long-term memory. Possibly the only thing that surprises me each month is that Talon's name is Calvin Rose because fuck everything if I can every remember that.

Does that phrase make any sense? "Fuck everything if I can remember Calvin Rose's name"? Because interestingly enough, I did remember his name this time! So that means everything must now be fucked. Get to work. You have sex with the stuff in your residence and I'll get to fucking the stuff in mine. Although when I look at the things sitting on my desk, I'm not too sure I'll be in any condition to fuck anything else after I'm through with the pencil sharpener and the aerosol can of air for cleaning dust out of computer keyboards.

Last issue ended with Calvin Rose trapped in a cage being taunted by three generations of Talons outside the cage. I think the oldest Talon is supposedly the Grand Master Ultimate Taloniest Talon of them all. At least none of them are The Butcher of Gotham. I think he'll be waiting for Calvin after Calvin, exhausted and wounded, climbs out of Gotham Bay after his death-defying escape.

After reading the first page, I think I need to make a correction. John Wycliffe is the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls and he's inside the building. So he's not a Talon. He's just a really dangerous man, I guess. Perhaps he's really dangerous because he's so important that he has three generations of Talons guarding him.

This escape has been my favorite part of this entire series so far. Very cleverly done. I particularly like how the two Talons tied together just get dragged back up into the reset trap.

After stabbing Grandpa in the throat, Calvin skedaddles down the tunnel. Of course the knife doesn't stop the Talon for long since these stupid creatures can survive anything except choking on an ice cube. Grandpa cuts the other Talons down and they decide to let Calvin go. They expect he'll drown soon when the turbines come back online and the tunnels once again fill up with water. Even though Grandpa Talon refers to Calvin Rose as an Escapist just prior to the plan that revolves around Calvin not being able to escape the influx of water. Talons are so stupid.

Baby Talon knows better though! He rushes off to prove himself to Grandpa and Daddy Talon. But even though he shows some initiative, Grandpa Talon still calls him an idiot. That Baby Talon really needs to think long and hard about whether his family is really worth his time. Baby Talon does catch up with Calvin but only seconds before a huge wall of water smashes into them.

Meanwhile Casey is beginning to get suspicious of Old Man Sebastian Clark. It's about time! That guy is a manipulative jerk. I'm pretty sure he simply wants to figure out how the Talons live forever so he can save himself. Everything else he's told Calvin is probably just a bunch of half-truths and full lies. But Casey will figure out the truth! Probably.

And I guess it's time for Baby Talon to start that long, hard think about his fucked-up family!

It's time for Baby Talon to become a real boy.

I'm really curious about Batman's policy on killing Talons. I'm pretty sure when he was fighting for his life on The Night of the Talons, he was doing his best to kill as many of them as possible. Or did he simply not care how much damage he did to them because he knew they would heal? Whether or not he killed any that night, I still wonder what his policy would be. The Talons talk and act like living people. So Batman shouldn't use any of the freezing means that would kill them. Or does Batman have a different policy for people that have already died and been brought back to life. What's the difference between a Talon and Deadshot now? If Batman can kill a Talon, can he also kill Deadshot or Regulus or Jason Todd since they've been reanimated? What about sentient aliens? I'm not sure if Batman is allowed to kill those or not. What about Chinese people? Where is his line?!

I think the only solid Batman Title I ever read before The New 52 was Shadow of the Bat, so I don't know the really in-depth details on his ethics. I'm sure any good Comic Book Lawyer could point to precedents from different story lines that really flesh out the limits of Batman's penchant for violence. But I am not one of those. I'd like to be one of those for Reboot history but I can't even remember if Batman killed any Talons! I guess if they're technically unkillable (short of exploding their head with an icicle), he didn't kill any. But I do know he held back against the Rock Creatures from the Peraxxus story arc in Justice League International until Rocket Red determined they were non-sentient. And Batman isn't a vegetarian, is he? So if Batcow turned evil and came at him, it would be okay to kill Batcow, right? But what about an evil organization of Dolphins? Does that become a judgment call?

Meanwhile the Gotham Butcher is hanging out outside the apartments of the people he murdered when he notices Batman swinging along to investigate. He wants his turn to kill Batman since he was inexplicably left out during the Night of the Talons. He might not even know about the Night of the Talons since he was still sleeping in his grave. But now he knows about Batman for some reason. Perhaps when the Talons are awakened, they get a quick lesson on Gotham History from the time they were put in the ground to the present. Or maybe even the dead know the Goddamned Batman.

Speaking of dead Talons, I might have to reread all of that Court of Owls stuff since I'm still unsure why Talons "die" and then are retired to make way for a new living Talon. If they're so powerful and immortal once they come back from the dead, why not just use the zombie Talon in the first place instead of training a new one? I don't remember how that was explained. It's possible the Court of Owls had the technology to keep Talons in a kind of suspended state but lacked the precise technology to bring them back. That might be Mr. Freeze's whole connection to the Zombie Talon nonsense. Perhaps it was only recently that the Court could bring the Talons back. This stuff seems too important to the overall story to not have been explained, so I'm just going to blame my poor memory on not knowing and wait for a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader to explain it to me in the Comments.

The Gotham Butcher really, really wants to kill Batman. But the Court of Owls tell him to stand down or else they'll blow some Cryobombs they planted right behind his eyes that will put him down for good. The Butcher is not very happy about this situation and decides to do something about it.

He really, really, REALLY wants to kill Batman.

Back in the flooded tunnels of Securitus's Flooded Tunnel Level, Baby Talon brings back a seemingly unconscious Calvin Rose to take to the Grandmaster. I would suspect this trick might work if Grandpa Talon didn't already assume Baby Talon was a complete screw-up. But since Grandpa Talon thinks Baby Talon is a fucking jerk, the first thing I would expect Grandpa Talon to do is assume the only way Baby Talon could capture Calvin Rose was if Baby Talon was thinking about betraying them and it was a big trick. But Daddy Talon is pretty proud, so even though Grandpa Talon doesn't quite believe it, he lets it go. FOR NOW!

I suppose Calvin is hoping to get in the inner sanctum and blow up his bomb to wipe Securitus of all of its information. But once he finds his way up and gets a meeting with John Wycliffe, he gets some information that ruffles his feathers. At the same moment back at Sebastian's Compound, Casey Washington has been snooping about and discovers the same information that Calvin just received.

Whoops!

Talon #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, now I'm interested. It's been obvious for awhile that Sebastian wasn't who he said he was. From the start, nothing was adding up. But I just didn't think he might be the guy responsible for fucking up the entire Court by going after Batman and then killing a bunch of his own Court afterward. This is why I should pay more attention even when paying attention is asking way too much from me! I mean, really, more Court of Owls' stories? I've been half-asleep while reading most of these. But I like the idea of the Gotham Butcher going rogue after pulling the bombs out from behind his own eyes. And Batman does need to get more involved in this comic simply because it takes place in Gotham and Batman should really be paying close attention to any hint of Court activity. Unless Batman, like me, is just sick and tired of the Court of Owls. That could explain why he hasn't been trying too hard to uncover the remnants of the organization.

I, Vampire #18

This is not accurate! But I suppose Andrew cradling Virgin Bloody Mary's headless torso with her head resting by the UPC Label might be considered tasteless.

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was "tasteless". So I googled "classy antonym" and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he's gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They're just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

I will never forgive you for abandoning us, Andrea Sorrentino! I hope you burn in hell with Green Arrow!

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He's the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That's how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn't lose its way and I just wasn't paying close enough attention. That's a distinct probability!

Cain isn't just bringing Lilith out of Hell though. Why waste a good Hell Portal, right? He's bringing forth legions of demons to give great ass pain to John Constantine. Although Constantine seems unflappable as usual.

John may be acting unfazed but I think he's secretly excited about this prospect.

Too bad nothing comes of it. The Legions never make it into the basement. Lilith never appears. And John just stands around casually telling everybody in the room that they suck at magic. Apparently using the stone from the Tower of Babel didn't just open up a portal to Hell. It created a portal linking Heaven to Hell. Constantine realizes this is going to be one gigantic cock up, so he decides it's time to leave. He figures the best thing he can do, being the master of the House of Mystery, is to send the House into an alternate dimension so that this fiasco doesn't leak into Earth's reality and cause a bunch of lousy crossovers.

Meanwhile Andrew Bennett and Tig turn into wolves and fight to the death. Andrew Bennett tears out Tig's throat while Joshua Hale Fialkov tears out my heart.

The last good guy left in the House is Debbie Dancer. So now she gets to face off against Andrew, Charles the Magic Vampire, The Van Helsing Accountant, Mishkin, and Cain. Maybe Mishkin will pull one of those Hollywood Dog Moments and recognize Debbie as his best friend which will cause him to turn on the other Vampires. Or maybe the other Vampires will all turn on Andrew once they realize he wants to destroy the world.

Or when Debbie is just about to die, somebody else will drop out of the Gothic rafters to save the day!

Oh Tig! Just don't die! I might be a shallow asshole who cannot love you right now, but I can wait until you're drawn by another artist!

Cain realizes that Bennett has become super dark and moody because he's now a repository for all the vampires that ever existed. Cain still wants to reunite with Lilith, so he releases all the Vampires from Andrew Bennett's body. They fly off as metaphorical bats and Cain finally finds Lilith.

For a green glowing gassy ball, she's pretty cute.

And then that jerk Cain does the dumbest thing ever. He uses Tig's body to bring Lilith back from the dead. I knew I hated this Cain jerk when I first saw him in Justice League Dark. I just knew he would ruin every comic book he appeared in and then ruin my life as well. Now instead of cute band-aided Tig, I have to deal with Lilith, Sorceress Whore from a Frank Frazetta painting. Should I like her? Even just a little bit since a trace of Tig might still be hidden somewhere behind the barely covered body of Lilith?

I'm sure Tig is under that slinky dress somewhere.

Now I have filthy pictures in my head because I said Tig was under that dress somewhere.

Hell begins to shove its gigantic, hate-filled, evil phallus up into Heaven's Portal and Heaven just can't take it. The Van Helsing Accountant disintegrates in the fiery backlash. Charles the Magic Vampire protects himself with the "Protecte" spell. Cain and Lilith hug. And Debbie Dancer hides herself and Andrew behind the shield she brought to the battle. Now that all the vampires have left Andrew Bennett's body, he's back to normal and regretting his recent actions.

He's also turned into Gob Bluth.

Andrew doesn't know how to close the Portal but he figures when in doubt, cast yourself in! He tries to hurl himself into the Portal in his attempt to save the world but he's bitch slapped to the floor by a naked woman stepping out of the conflagration. It's Super Virgin Bloody Martyr! She's come to save the world!

And insult Andrew's ex-girlfriend for good measure.

I, Vampire #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. That "To Be Concluded" note in the bottom is a little bit sad and means that this comic book just didn't have enough Batman.

Batman: The Dark Knight #18

Groovy.

Grunion Guy was supposed to finish up Chapter Three of his story, "Temperance Goes Down", but he couldn't make his deadline. Oh sure, he claims he finished! But do I have a copy of it? Fuck no.

Grunion Guy: "Did you realize Chapter Three was about Alice getting cock?"
Me: "I am not printing that story."
Grunion Guy: "Censorship! First Amendment! Freedom of Speech!"
Me: "You want freedom of speech? Fuck you."
Grunion Guy: "Wait, wait! This is my first paragraph: "The Gerbil's brother decided to tell a story because Alice had gotten so wet. But the duck just wanted to do it. And the Dildo was all about getting some cock."
Me: "Stop it. That's enough. I won't print your explicit Alice in Wonderland porn."
Grunion Guy: "It's not worse than that Alice in Wonderland comic book on the shelves at the comic book store where she's basically sitting on the Queen of Heart's face with her pendulous breasts sliding out the sides of her apron!"
Me: "Yeah? Well I don't publish that shit. Get out of here with your Alice porn. You're fired!"
Grunion Guy: "Oh yeah?! Well have you heard about the Second Amendment?!"
Me: "Is that a fucking threat?"
Grunion Guy: "Hunh? No, I was just wondering if the Second Amendment could help since you're shitting all over the First One that I think can help me somehow. Is the Second One about ghost writers?"
Me: "I don't have time for this. Turn in a less vulgar version of your story or get the hell out."
Grunion Guy: "What if Alice ends up on a floating city with a bunch of racists and crows?!"
Me: "Good day."

Anyway (fucking Grunion Guy), this issue begins with The Dark Knight investigating a night club run by Tweedle Dee and owned by The Mad Hatter's company, One Size, Inc. He tries to interrogate Tweedle Dee but Tweedle Dee has some truth to lay down on Bats.

It's like Gregg Hurwitz was birthed directly from my brain.

This is an excellent moment. I've bitched a number of times about how Batman beats people so severely that they can easily end up dying from their injuries and yet he still espouses a non-lethal ethic. It's easy to believe that he knows the limits of the kind of damage he can do to a person without actually killing the person because, well, he is the Goddamned Batman, after all. But you would think the amount of hit point damage he deals out on a nightly basis that somebody would eventually succumb to their wounds. I have a feeling that Batman feels fine about what he does as long as nobody dies on the scene. If they happen to expire in the hospital later, it's the fucking doctor's fault.

But no matter how nice this moment is with Tweedle Dee acting righteous, Batman's response is even better.

Batman's look in that first panel is classic. "Are you fucking kidding me? Is he havin' a laugh?"

Batman continues his investigation by swinging in through windows, booting people in the face, fracturing people's palates and sinus bones and orbital sockets, cracking skulls, and unhinging jaws. It's all very effective. Although I have to wonder who he's maiming since most of them are wearing hats which mean they're probably innocent bystanders being hatpnotically controlled. Batman's "investigation" turns up a robust tea trade. All the different kinds of teas give the Mad Hatter all kinds of different powers. That's exactly like The Virgin class in the Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators! Which must mean The Mad Hatter is a virgin!

Oh wait. That's not a big surprise. He's a tiny, snaggle-toothed, cross-eyed man. Although I'm sure he's not a virgin because of his looks! Nobody in this day and age would ever judge somebody by their looks! Everybody should be willing to fuck everybody while using all the correct pronouns and being as inoffensive as possible! I'm sure The Mad Hatter is a virgin because he's an angry, misanthropic asshole who constantly reblogs bigoted shit on Tumblr.

The Mad Hatter is currently checking out his tea distribution business and he must have been drinking from the tea that makes him super strong and super agile and unscented and super quiet and invisible because he gets the drop on Batman and cracks him over the head. The Mad Hatter gets away and Batman stumbles out to find Catwoman stealing the hubcaps off of the Batmobile.

If the other villains in Gotham learned that you could get away with anything as long as you have a fuck buddy history with Batman, this comic book is going to become X-Rated.

Batman drives off after The Mad Hatter missing a hubcap. Alfred is going to be pissed.

Meanwhile The Mad Hat[t]er's play is almost ready. They only need to cast the part of Alice and they'll be set to make all of Jervis Tetch's adolescent fantasies come true. I have a feeling Jervis's play is going to be more vulgar than Grunion Guy's story. Jervis also has a chance to reminisce. In a stunning twist, it turns out it could be an experimental drug that makes Jervis go crazy and not being bullied and brow-beaten by other children.

One pill makes you bigger; one pill makes you smaller. But the kind your doctor gives you turns you into a raving, homicidal lunatic.

Now, I don't know yet if he takes the pill or not. The side effects line up perfectly with the monster he becomes but it still could be his social life falling apart that puts him over the edge after he decides not to take it. Perhaps he'll decide not to take it, find that Alice won't dance with him at the dance, and then he'll rush home and eat all the pills at once. Or he might just take them and succumb to the side effects. I like that version because it's so tragic. His friends have all accepted him for who he is up until this point. He's the only one that can't accept himself. And in trying to change himself, he's going to turn into something that his friends won't like and he'll lose them that way. I hope that's what happens.

It looks like Gregg Hurwitz is going to give all of the crazy villains a sympathetic background. The reader can care more about them and understand why they've become the person they've become. But Batman doesn't give a shit about that kind of feel good garbage. His life was tragic and horrible as well and he didn't resort to killing and hurting other people. Oh wait. Yes he did! He just decided to hurt the kind of people the police don't mind getting hurt. But seriously, he decided to dedicate his life to justice and helping others. So Bats doesn't particularly care if these maniacs came from tragic backgrounds. He didn't let his tragedy turn him into a monster, so he understands they also had the choice not to become monsters. All Batman cares about is that choice they made. And once they make it, Batman can justify beating the living shit out of them!

Later at the dance, Jervis tries life without the pills, probably for the last time.

What a whore! Can't she see how much he likes her? Doesn't that mean she owes him a chance!? What is she going to do? Find somebody that likes her that she also likes? Ugh. How dare she! I mean, this is so tragic and sad!

Back in the present, Jervis pays a visit to Alice Kahla (née Dee). He finds her a sad, middle-aged woman with a bitter husband and a brood of children. But Jervis isn't big on reality.

I'm with The Mad Hatter. Fuck reality.

And then we get the Bruce Wayne mirroring Jervis Tetch's part of the story. Bruce apparently really loved Natalya the Penis. So like Jervis, he wants that love, that perfection back. But he doesn't simply want to relive the past. He wants to live in the present and change the future. I'm not sure if the next couple of pages are Bruce's fantasy or if Bruce is actually revealing his secret identity to Natalya to get her back. Also her name might not be Natalya.

Well, he does need a new Robin.

I really can't tell if Batman has just gone through with revealing his secret self to Natalya or he was fantasizing doing this as he looked at a photograph of her. I suspect he's really going through with it as she already hinted that she knew who he was just before they broke up. So Bruce kind of has to keep her close to him before she blabs his secret to every guy she gets close to. "You know, I was fucking The Batman!" I also think a grown ass woman would be a much more appropriate Robin than a young preadolescent boy. I also can't wait to see Catwoman's face when she first runs into the new Robin swinging about Gotham.

And then the issue ends with Jervis finally deciding whether or not to take his Testosterone Supplements.

Because The Batman's origin mirrors the bad guy's origin in The Dark Knight stories, this must mean Batman took steroids. I fucking knew it.

Batman: The Dark Knight #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. Gregg Hurwitz has come along and pulled a 540 on this title. A 180 wasn't enough to rid it of the David Finch writing stench that had been clinging to it for so long. So he had to spin it full around one extra time before turning it around and making it good. I also think The New 52 needed a Batman title like this. I want stories like this that sort of stand alone and aren't completely wrapped up in the current continuity. I'm sure they are but they lack any links or indicators that tie them directly to it. Notice The Dark Knight wasn't forced to do a Requiem issue? DC needs more comics that DON'T rely on the whole world building thing. Give me good stories with good characters. Surprise me. Make me feel something for the heroes and the villains! Hurwitz is doing these things. Thank you, Gregg Hurwitz!

The Salvaged Hawkman #18

I don't remember Hawkman being defeated by Yu-Gi-Oh?

Last issue, Tom DeFalco actually wrote a story that allowed me to rationalize this entire series. Up until last issue, this series was just a steaming pile. It was an embarrassing, putrid growth on the backside of DC Comics. I still don't care about Hawkman but at least I'm not completely confused by it. I don't usually repeat big chunks of text from previous commentaties but I think this bit is especially important for understanding The Salvaged Hawkman.

If Carter Hall’s personality is affected by the change into Hawkman, he may have been trying to destroy the armor because he was afraid of what he was becoming. Perhaps when he first escaped to Earth, he took on a human persona to try to escape paying for his “crimes” on Thanagar. It’s possible he even used some kind of technology to forget his real identity of Katar Hol. But the Nth metal was slowly drawing out his real identity every time he wore it, possibly making him angrier and angrier. Perhaps he killed someone the night before he tried to burn the suit! Desperate and afraid, he drove out to the forest, drunk and scared. He burned the suit hoping to be rid of the confusion it engendered in him. Instead he and the suit became one! Ever since then, his memories were beginning to come back. He began investigating the Nth metal to try and combine the disparate wisps of memory floating to the surface of his mind. While doing so, he must have dropped clues at libraries and research centers that were picked up on by mercenaries like Xerxes who were searching for the mysterious Nth metal. His encounter with Xerxes alerted even more people like Pike who was searching for him because of his crimes on Thanagar. And then when he encountered Shayera, his memories completely came back and he realized how he had been living a false life. It kind of falls apart after that when he lets Shayera go and then begins hunting her again. But maybe he didn’t realize he had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask until after he sent her off into space. L’esprit de l’escalier, sort of. In a way.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman and Shadow Thief escaped into the Shadow Realm rather than being blown to bits by a Thanagarian Buster Bomb. And it is in The Shadow Realm where this issue begins!

I had to just recheck the cover to make sure they hadn't changed the title to "The Melodramatic Hawkman!"

The Savage Hawkman can stand against any man or monster but he is ill-prepared to battle the cold! The Nth Metal can form weapons and armor but it just can't make a decent sweater.

Hawkman learns that Shadow Thief is willing to kill men bringing alien death to her home planet of Earth. She gets defensive when he questions her about killing and sentencing them to death but she really shouldn't. I'm pretty sure he's impressed by her tactics. Other creatures live in the Shadow Realm and they threaten Hawkman and the Shadow Thief. She can apparently enter the Shadow Realm from anywhere on Earth but to exit the Realm, she needs to find a portal. So they go looking for a way back as the readers get to catch up with Emma and her dad.

Emma's dad is being nice and sweet and that's only making Emma's decision to send him off to an old person concentration camp called "Rest Haven" more difficult.

Back in the Shadow Realm, The Shadow Thief tells Hawkman an abridged version of her origin. Suffice to say, she's mad at the people in charge and she no longer trusts them and now she's taken it upon herself to save the world! I think Hawkman likes her. For an agent of the Mossad, she sure does talk a lot about herself. Sure, she speaks in generalities to Hawkman. But she should know better than anyone (except Batman!) that you keep your fucking mouth shut. Otherwise you're just giving other people an advantage over you. Maybe it's exactly her training that leads her to tell Hawkman just enough so that he knows she's dangerous. How should I know exactly why she does what she does?! I've never been trained as an assassin or spy or covert agent for a secret organization that I assure you you've never heard of and if you think you have it was just the ramblings of a paranoid schizophrenic.

Meanwhile at "Rest Haven":

Yeah, science comes at a cost, Mark! Just not one that the doctor is willing to pay! So you'll have to pick up the check, buddy boy!

And then back in the Shadow Realm, Shadow Thief's other shadow shoe drops. She asks Hawkman to share his story because she already shared hers. So it was a gambit to gather more information for herself. She tells him a vague story about how she found the Shadow Skin and she tries to convince him to tell her all about his Nth Metal Skin. She's a tricky one! And slippery! And sexy! Is it weird that my shadow is turning me on right now?

Once Hawkman finishes his story about coming from Thanagar, The Shadow Thief rewards him by trying to kill him. Even though his story mostly matches her in that he was used and abused by authority and learned not to trust them. The only thing The Shadow Thief hears is that he's a stupid alien. They spar for a bit because otherwise the comic book wouldn't be exciting. The Shadow Thief may just be trying to gauge Hawkman's abilities while showcasing her ability to turn insubstantial at will. I don't think the fracas is too serious since they stop just as quickly as they began because they're suddenly threatened by a common enemy in The Shadow Realm's residents.

Hawkman takes a blow that might have killed Shadow Thief. His armor heals him but Shadow Thief is a bit pissed off that he went and saved her life when it goes against her xenophobia. I guess now that her entire worldview has been shattered by this encounter, she has to sing about the unchanging stars and jump off a fucking bridge. Or she can rescue him and leave their relationship a bit up in the air. While they could have made a good team, it seems Shadow Thief is just a bit too violent for even the Savage Hawkman. And she can't stand him because he's one of those aliens she hates, even if his goal is the same as hers. So they ramp up the sexual tension between the two and then Shadow Thief takes off.

You know what would have made this moment even more interesting to me? If Shadow Thief was still a guy.

Later Hawkman has one of those interminable arguments with his increasingly less significant other.

There it is! The ultimatum! My stance is that whenever anybody gives you an ultimatum, you always take the choice they didn't actually want you to take. Fuck them and their controlling ways!

I hope this relationship ends soon. I despise it. When Tony Daniel was writing, it was sort of a possible mutual attraction where Carter was a bit shy and awkward around her and uncertain how to ask her out. And then they may have gone on one date under Daniel's writing when the Gentleman's Ghost and the Zombie outbreak and Static's guest appearance happened (I might be making some of that stuff up. Stupid memory). But then when Liefeld took over, they were basically a couple and running around the world together because fuck Emma's responsibilities! She's in love! I guess. Whatever. I loathe this relationship and how it developed. Or didn't develop. So please just end it.

The Savage Hawkman #18 Rating: No change. Sorry, Hawkman. You just weren't good enough to justify climbing up out of the bottom rank and shoving the Teen Titans into the bottom slot. Although the Teen Titans really were bad enough to be there! These books just are not very entertaining.

The Flash #18

It's either because of the bag full of diamonds or his twelve inch penis.

I think I'm going to go through my pre-Crisis on Infinite Earth's Who's Who comics and add "Penis Size" as a category to all of the personal information. If they can guess at something as useless as a character's weight, I can guess at the length of their manhood. "Penis Size: (Flaccid) X (Erect) Y". I hate to speculate as to whose might be the biggest in the Who's Who but I suppose it would be between Darkseid and Mister Terrific. And that isn't a "black men have big penises" joke since the Pre-Crisis Mister Terrific is white. But the stupid name had to come from somewhere!

Oh! And look at that! He was Terry Sloane who is now Mr. 8 on Earth 2! I did not know that!

And here's more proof that he's got some serious goods in those tights from the back cover of Issue XVI.

Night Girl is simply aswoon at the possibilities. If she's this into big dick, it could suggest that Cosmic Boy is also packing a mighty magnetic anaconda in his future tights as well.

Why am I discussing Super Hero Penis Sizes instead of reading The Flash? Perhaps his hilariously inappropriate name threw me off track.

The comic begins with a long shot of the Keystone City skyline with cranes on just about every building. I guess those monkeys really did a number on the infrastructure. The camera pans in closer to reveal a quiet street in the Diamond District. Moving inside a building, the camera reveals a lone security guard eating chips and watching porn on his laptop. And then the silence is broken with a loud KAAAA-THOOM as an explosion rips through the building! A shadowy figure with a hammer moves into the smoking ruins. The only sound is the security guard's rasping breath as he slowly bleeds out from shrapnel. The figure moves in, smashes a case full of diamonds, and an alarm sounds! The thief escapes with...wait a second! What the fuck kind of shitty security system did this jewelry store invest in? The entire front of the store is blown open and no alarm? Even if that explosion somehow took out a security system for breaching the store that is separate from an alarm system for the cases, the explosion smashed a bunch of jewelry cases as well! Perhaps the security guard was outfitted with a deadman's switch which would trip an alarm only after he died! And then it was just a coincidence that he bled out just as the thief smashed the case with the diamonds!

Whew. Good thing I thought up a totally plausible reason for the weird alarm system or I wasn't going to be able to get my mind back on the comic book.

The Flash has been busy helping rebuild the city since Grodd's invasion. I don't know if this is such a good idea. I know he's fast so he can do everybody's jobs for them while they sit out of work because they're too Goddamned slow, but he isn't actually a carpenter or a drywaller or a bricklayer or an engineer now, is he? He's definitely not union.

No, it's also about putting skilled laborers out of work. I'm not sure I'd allow my kids to play on that.

When people walk at normal speeds around a city, they sometimes bump into other people while turning corners or not paying attention. Does The Flash ever round a corner and suddenly bump into someone? I know his reactions are supposed to be super fast but even he can be surprised if the timing is just right. Would he simply explode right through them? Do you think he'd tell anybody? Or are the Gem Cities' papers filled with reports of people mysteriously exploding into a fine mist?

Barry Allen is dating (or possibly living with. But that's just extreme dating anyway) Patty and he's allowed her to retain the memory that he's The Flash. That's pretty magnanimous (and unsafe!) of him. If I were Patty, I'd totally love fucking The Flash suspect every friend Barry brought by the apartment was another Super Hero. He'd introduce me to his friend and every time I talked with the friend, I'd probably use a lot of air quotes. "So, 'Bruce', how do you know Barry? Did you meet him on a 'business trip'? Would you consider yourself a 'super friend'? You're Batman, right?"

Currently Barry is suspended without pay from the Central City Police Force due to being dead. But now that he's not dead, he's waiting to see if the union will allow him to come back. If they knew he was The Flash and he was taking other union jobs, his union might not look too favorably on his request to be brought back to life. I wonder if Deadshot is having the same problem with the Suicide Squad's union.

Ha ha! That's really funny. The Suicide Squad having a union! Ha ha! See what happens when unions are crushed?! The bosses stop caring if you live or die while at work! And fuck child labor laws! Add the Teen Titans to the roster! No fire exits in your sweater making factory? Fuck you! You're all going to die! Oh la dee da! You want changes made so that you don't die? You're fired, asshole!

While Barry waits to hear about his real job, he has a non-real job serving beer to Central City's Rogues at the Keystone Saloon. Currently The Trickster is drinking beers acting down on his luck. My guess is that he didn't do the diamond heist! At least he's not dead from having an arm torn off by a talking ape.

Cut him off, Charles! You know he's had one too many when he can't even say "Ape-ocalypse" correctly. Other than stumbling on the word, that was a good pun!

Does the Keystone Saloon pay off all the cops so that the place isn't continuously being busted? The Rogues hang out in full costume all the time! Perhaps only Barry Allen is hip to the hideout due to his amazing powers of observation as a Central Keystone City crime scene investigator. Is there a super villain called the Investi-Gator? There should be. He could be Detective Chimp's rival!

The Trickster really is pretty drunk since he just won't shut up about his criminal activities. And his new arm!

My letter to DC must have worked! Puns left and right! Mostly right with this one.

If I were The Trickster, I'd call my new hand a "her" as well, if you know what I mean! I think we all know what he means by "test drive" as well. I'd be afraid to get that cyberhand anywhere near my penis though! And here's the rest of the page just to show that I'm not being inappropriately vulgar!

I'm pretty sure they are talking about masturbation! Also, I think the trick thing counts as a double pun! It references The Trickster's name and trick as in a sexual act provided by a prostitute!

Those men with guns that know The Trickster's name? They're cops. Yeah, I guess everybody knows this is where the super bad guys hang out. They want to arrest The Trickster for robbery and murder. I'm fairly certain that The Rogues and thus The Trickster have always tried to avoid murder. They just don't need the extra heat from a crime like that. But who could the shadowy diamond thief be then? If this were a Scott Lobdell comic book, he wouldn't tell us for another five issues. Being that this is a normal comic book by a decent (if not actually quite good) writer, I'm guessing we'll learn the bad guy's identity by the final page. If I'm wrong about that, I'll owe Lobdell an apology. I won't give it to him. I'll just throw it on the pile with the rest of them.

The Trickster escapes by losing a hand and slipping out of the cuffs. Don't worry, he just lost his new fake robot hand. It's probably just a big plastic, lubed up fist. I'm sure he has plenty of cheap replacements for it. The arm is where all the actual technology lies.

Before Barry can change into The Flash and go after The Trickster, the two new guys from the cover show up to nab The Trickster. They call themselves Speed Force. The guy in the football jersey is Sprint and the guy on the rocket powered Segway is Turbo Charger. I guess their powers are sprinting and charging turbos. I guess those are better powers than spinning like a spaz. I mention that because these are two of the guys sucked into the Speed Force many issues ago. And just like Turbine, they seem to have gained super powers while inside the Speed Force. I wonder if Iris West has any herself?

The Flash manages to capture The Trickster and prevent Speed Force from hurting anybody or themselves. But they're pretty crappy as super heroes, so The Flash decides to lecture them after handing The Trickster over to the authorities. Or putting him in a shed for safe keeping. I'm not sure what he does with him yet.

The Flash's lecture basically comes down to "stop using your powers, you stupid douchebags. I'm the hero here!" I may be interpreting what he said a bit liberally. Who gave The Flash the right to say who can and cannot use super powers? Fuck him! What a dick! He steals contractor jobs and now when someone threatens his job, he tries to put a stop to it? Barry Allen is a big jerk! Maybe a bigger jerk than Superman and Batman! And I liked him up until now!

Well, I still like him. I'd put a stop to some stupid guy flying around on a rocket Segway too. And a lummox in a football jersey that can, well, sprint fast? I guess? They simply speak in generalities about their powers during the conversation, so I don't really know what these two idiots can do. Maybe Sprint will become a bad guy now that The Flash has pissed him off when he got Sprint's girlfriend involved.

Meanwhile some post-ape-ocalyptic group known as Outlander Nation (I think these guys live in the Badlands and were associated with Mob Rule in an early story) are threatening to storm the city and free The Trickster from Iron Heights if he isn't released. They claim he's a citizen of Outlander Nation and thus not subject to U.S. laws. I'm sure that will go over well.

The Flash decides to prove The Trickster is innocent of the diamond heist before more hell breaks out in Central Keystone City. He checks out the police report and the warrant and finds the evidence lacking. So then he decides to speak with The Trickster in jail. I guess vibrating-through-walls powers come in pretty handy sometimes. His discussion with The Trickster leads him to go after a sample of The Trickster's bombs to test them against the explosives used at the scene of the diamond robbery.

Oh Trickster. You do not want to get into a copyright fight with a massive corporation like Holt Industries!

While The Flash is in the prison armory checking out The Trickster's balls (will that joke ever get old?), Outlander Nation attacks the prison. And The Flash slams into the wall as he tries to vibrate out to fight them. His powers have just disappeared. And they've disappeared because of the moment I've been waiting for for months!

Way to go, Nelson and Roxie! Now I'm tempted to move Dial H #11 up in my stack!

The Flash #18 Rating: +2 Rating. This comic book really captures an aspect of comic books that I can't quite communicate. It's something visceral that brings me back to when I first began reading them. It's a very comic booky comic book, if you get my meaning. If you don't, well, I don't have the words to make it any clearer. I might be able to find them but that would take effort! Anyway, I enjoy reading this comic book. It's building a great character and a great cast. Every issue feels like it's not just built on one or two previous issues but it's standing on the spines of all the other issues, ruining their near mint condition. Stupid comic books. Stop standing on each other! Get back in your polybags! Also, a regular New 52 character finally had their powers taken by the Dial H Dial! Yay! Oh yeah! Go read Dial H, nerds! If the best comic books get cancelled because you're all reading shitty comics that star characters you love from the cartoons, I'm going to be really angry with all of you!