All Star Western #18

Savage is an exemplary old man. Look at him embracing new technology instead of stubbornly sticking to a club or a large rock.

Last issue, Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham learned that Vandal Savage had kidnapped Catherine Wayne. And Catherine Wayne learned that Vandal Savage brought the plague to Gotham. Now Hex just needs to figure out where Vandal is hiding so he can kill him, save Catherine, and return her to Alan Wayne for a thirty percent stake in Wayne's Casino. Although I don't think the killing him part is going to happen. So he might have to trick him into taking some of Arkham's drugs, have sex with him, steal his clothing, and then escape with Catherine.

But first things first: escape from the rabid Cholera peasant monsters!

Just kidding! The first thing to do is get a drink from a dwarf.

Meanwhile Vandal Savage is flirting with his captive as they try to make their way out of the quarantine in a blizzard.

Such a sweet-talker.

I can't imagine centuries of practice really means anything when it comes to sex. All it means is he's fucked a lot of women. Perhaps the different cultures and different times surprised him with things his ancient ass had never seen before, but none of those things would have changed what I suspect is the core feature of Vandal Savage's love making: selfishness. I don't see Vandal giving a shit about his partner's needs! His favorite move is probably still smashing an unsuspecting woman over the head with a club, dragging her back to the cave by her hair, throwing her over a boulder, and taking her from behind. He probably does it just like an ape. A couple thrusts and he's off to make the lesser males smell his wang.

A pack of dogs beset them before they can get very far. While Savage explains why he'd make a great father to Catherine's child (look, he lies a lot, okay! I get him!), Catherine makes a run for it. Luckily for her and the comic book plot, she quickly runs into Hex and Arkham.

DC has tried to forge so many of these moments where one major character encounters another major character and yet they almost always fall flat and feel contrived and forced and done simply to sell more books. But if they were all like this one page, DC would have no problems selling crazy amounts of comic books. Or is it just me that loves this so much? I do love me some Hex and Savage!

Vandal Savage has lived a long time and experienced a lot of things. But I wonder if he's ever eaten french fries in the shower? I just did that tonight! It was the best. Such wonderful times we live in!

Savage blocks each of Hex's pistol shots with his sword. He then begins to explain what an amazing and truly awesome influence he's been on every major civilization throughout history. And while he's busy jerking off his ego, Jonah Hex puts a load of buckshot directly into Savage's chest. I suppose Hex and company believe he's dead since nobody truly believes he's immortal, and they leave his body to the rabid Cholera zombies as they escape via the sewers. Savage's body was later dumped with the other victims of the Cholera where he healed and awoke and went on his way.

Days pass and eventually Amadeus notes Hex's absence.

I'll be sorely disappointed if Hex goes off without Arkham. Maybe Hex will pick up an equally entertaining sidekick out west.

Apparently Arkham believes, as I do, that the book would suffer from his absence so he gets a ticket and finds a seat on the train out west next to Hex. But Hex has other ideas, threatens Arkham's life, and throws him from the train.

Brilliant ending. I do hope to see more of Amadeus in the future.

Next, 19th Century Stormwatch! This issue begins with ManBearPig stringing up some bald hillbilly. That doesn't normally seem like a job for Stormwatch although I don't truly know how powerful ManBearPig is! But since this story is labeled "Stormwatch featuring Doctor Terrence 13", I imagine ManBearPig is actually just an old guy in a rubber mask trying to scare away other land developers.

ManBearPig is rampaging through a community called Lily Dale which has become a haven for Mediums and Seances. Doctor Thirteen has come to town to tell everybody that they're being silly and no such thing as ManBearPig exists and spirits don't exist and ectoplasm is a big trick and the dead don't communicate and stop falling for every scam artist that comes to town, Lily Daleians!

Doctor Thirteen quickly investigates the crime scene and decides ManBearPig is simply a zealot Pig Farmer. Yeah, but he could still be a Werepig, right?

Oh Scooby Doo! You taught me so much!

Later in Gotham, Adam One approaches Doctor Thirteen to become a member of Stormwatch. He tells Doctor Thirteen that he'll prove the supernatural is real but I'd rather Doctor Thirteen always figured out a way to explain everything in a scientific, natural, or technical way. Don't sully his character the way Scooby Doo eventually sullied itself! No, not by introducing Scrappy which was bad enough! By introducing real ghosts into the cartoon!

All Star Western #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. No Jenny Freedom, so that's a disappointment. But it looks like each new member of Stormwatch is going to get a back-up story as the group forms. And then they'll probably travel to Mars to stop a Martian invasion or something. All Star Western may be ranked about 10 out of 52 but it's easily the comic that makes me laugh and smile the most. It's one of The New 52's biggest hits and I don't think enough people are reading it. Come on, nerds! Start picking this one up! It's easily worth the extra dollar (and I don't say that lightly! Four dollars for a comic is nuts!).

Batman Incorporated #9

When is it going to be Batman's turn to be happy?

Last issue, Damian Wayne was killed by Talia al Ghu's Batthing. Since that issue, a bunch of other issues came out with most of the Bat Family in half-assed mourning. Batman and Robin #18 was the only other Batman title that I think needed to deal with Batman's grief. Batman #18 sort of dealt with it but in a way that highlighted that lovable street urchin Harper Row and her way gay little brother. The other Batman titles really should have just ignored the whole thing. I suppose I get to see Batman mourn all over again one more time here in the comic book that actually killed the little prick.

Okay. Second panel and I'm done!

How does Bruce actually cope with this? Damian was only ten or eleven years old! He was his son! Peter Tomasi wrote these two so well in the pages of Batman and Robin that The New 52, for the first time in my 25+ years of reading comic books, finally gave me a Robin that I liked. Hell, I loved the little prick! Their relationship was so fun to read at the hands of Tomasi. This might be the first time I've truly been sad about the death of a comic book character. If I'd been reading comic books at the time, I would have been very sad about Ted Kord's death as well. But I missed out on that one, so I don't count it. I thought I would be sad when Cerebus finally died but Sim was right about that one: that fucker died unloved and unmourned. Mostly due to Sim exasperating most of his readers with Cerebus's explication of Genesis.

So now I get to watch Batman bury his son. Yay! What a great morning!

Or maybe (hopefully!) the entire funeral will be taken up by Batman's flashback where he puts the Batthing in a coffin too. I'm pretty sure Batman is allowed to kill animals and since the Batthing came out of a whale's vagina, I think that makes him a whale. And while Aquaman might be a little bit pissed if Batman kills him, killing a whale doesn't go against any of Batman's ethical codes. But while Batman takes out his anger and grief on Batthing, Nightwing comes to and realizes he fucked up like a big fucking fucked up fuck up fucking up.

How do you feel about encouraging him now? I can't wait to see how how badly Alfred takes it since Alfred let him out of the house! I think Tim Drake had it right! Who's protecting these kids? You fucking enablers!

Nightwing immediately joins the fight against Batthing while Talia's thugs with the guns and arrows just stand by. They may have simply had orders to kill Damian because they could easily be doing the same thing to Nightwing and Batman that they just did to Robin. The Batthing fight's outcome is interrupted by Bruce saying some words at Damian's funeral. He says some things and then says Damian's death will be avenged. I think that means Damian's mother is going to have to die.

Meanwhile in London, Knight is given a hero's funeral. And then Squire takes on the mantle of Knight. That makes sense. You can't run around fighting criminals by yourself when your name is Squire. You'd be a laughingstock.

And while Batman and Alfred and Tim and Dick bury Damian without a thought as to how super heroes are constantly coming back to life, the Prime Minister of Britain, like a good comic book character, is keeping all options open in regards to Knight! Good for him!

"And don't forget, Prime Minister, the five hundred and sixty-two other ways to resurrect a person in our reality!"

And then things get really awful. Just. I mean. Come on, Bruce! Don't be a dick!

Not the vacation!

Stop blaming everybody else, Bruce. Hell, you can't even blame yourself for this one. Everybody did everything in their power to reign this kid in. Even Alfred couldn't have stopped him if he had actually tried. Damian's death is on two people: Damian and Talia. According to Ra's al Ghul, the kid may have been destined to house Ra's personality. But Talia only ever had one destiny in mind for this kid. He was simply a tool to be used to hurt Batman as much as he could be hurt.

Back to the fight with Batthing, Nightwing and Batman are both nearly beat when Red Robin uses the tank in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises to put a shell right up Batthing's ass. Batthing may be tough but he slinks off to heal after that one. Nightwing grabs up Robin's body and they retreat back to the Batcave.

With Gotham erupting into chaos and in the grip of Leviathan, the Mayor of Gotham (who, I think, is a total dick anyway), basically accepts surrender under some pretty shitty terms. Well, shitty for Batman and his friends.

People can barely stay alive with Batman allowed in the city! The residents of Gotham might as well just go lie down in their graves now.

Jason Todd has been captured by a bunch of women from the movie, The Horrors of Spider Island. And the rest of Batman, Incorporated is searching for him and for any clues as to what the Ouroboros Bomb is or how to stop it. And Batman finally breaks down after realizing what a true genius his son was when he examines Damian's greatest gift to the world.

Batcow would outsell most of The New 52 titles. Unless Scott Lobdell ended up writing it. Then it would be scenes of Batcow standing around chewing his cud while he Narration Boxes, "Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo."

Batman Incorporated #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Anybody who doesn't like Batcow doesn't like freedom. Why isn't DC marketing the shit out of Batcow? I need a Batcow shirt right now! I wonder if Grant Morrison has retained all rights to Batcow. He's going to be sorry if he gave that one to DC for free!

Teen Titans #18

Who decided Red Robin's costume needed a huge fanny pack?

Last issue, Red Robin had just introduced his Titans to their new headquarters on a boat in New York. Later that evening, he was possessed by Raven, fucked every member of his team, and then sat in his security monitor room laughing his ass off. I might have gotten some of that incorrect. But that's okay because I'm just the guy reading the comic book. But the guy writing the comic book shouldn't just drop all that stuff, right?

Fucking Scott Lobdell. I'm sure this issue begins in a dream since Tim Drake is crying while sitting in the Batmobile and dead Damian Wayne is telling him to stop being such a bitch. But even as a dream, it's fucking ridiculous. It makes sense that Scott Lobdell can just crowbar this scene into his story since even he doesn't know where any of his stories are going from month to month. So when he ended the issue with Raven taking over Tim Drake, he probably learned that Damian's death would have to be dealt with in his next issue. While other writers already had stories that they probably had outlines for or had written much of when editorial forced them to shoe horn in a page or two mentioning Damian's death, Scott Lobdell has the freedom to write as many pages as he wants dealing with Damian's death because Lobdell probably didn't have any notes for this issue except for "Raven comes to New York. Shit goes down."

I'm not sure how or when Tim found out about Damian's death since he was in Gotham when Damian died. Perhaps he was simply in denial as he traveled back up to New York and it wasn't until Raven made him begin processing his feelings that he was able to have this hallucinatory conversation with Damian.

How many issues has it been where I said I hated Scott Lobdell's writing? He's the worst.

Bullshit! You became a super hero out of arrogance. And obviously Damian is only agreeing with you because he's simply a hallucination.

Tim Drake is actually in the Batcave since Alfred comes down to console him. So I have no fucking idea when this is taking place. I guess we'll get back to Raven later.

One week later to be precise! I'm glad I'm not the guy trying to unravel The New 52 timeline! Canonology can have that job!

Anyway, now that the editorially forced mourning has taken place, it's time to get back to Raven-possessed Red Robin and his multiple sex partners known as the Teen Titans.

Superboy shows up at the yacht even though nobody gave him the new address. Get the hint, asshole. Nobody wants you in their comic book! Come back when you're being written well.

I wonder if this is the first time in a comic book character's history that they're being written and portrayed better in slash fan fiction than in the comic book from the company that actually owns the character? Maybe now that Superboy's DNA has been rearranged by H'el, I'll like him better.

Everyone gets on Superboy's case because he's not using a secret identity and you never know when Deathstroke or the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or The Church of Brother Blood are going to be watching. But nobody gets on Kid Flash's case because he's always in costume since if he doesn't wear his costume, he'll vibrate to death.

Whoops! He's making one right now! Put your costume back on, dumb dumb!

Superboy is allowed to move in but they don't have any more rooms so he'll probably have to bunk with Bunker and Kid Flash. But sleeping assignments come later! First the Teen Titans have their first mission since Red Robin has decided that nobody in the world cares about kids or is tying to protect them so it's all up to him! Why does Scott Lobdell insist on making one of the smartest kids in the DCnU act so fucking stupid?

The team is heading into Belle Reve to save some kids from Kurt Lance and Amanda Waller's horrible clutches.

Meanwhile Dr. Light and his brother are trying to find information on Solstice so they can suck out her life force and cure whichever one of them needs to be cured. What the fuck do I care? I'm tired of trying to understand Scott Lobdell's writing. This might even be the most understandable and well written part of his entire run of Teen Titans and I just don't care anymore! I've been overwhelmed by my hatred of his lazy bullshit. I've tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's writing three of DC's titles and I think he's awful. What does DC see in him? Do other professionals read his comic book and think, "I really like what he's doing here. What a fresh new spin on these characters! It's amazing the Gertrude Steinesque way he's disrupting the expected narrative to make the reader feel the teen angst and soul crushing despair of being a know-it-all while filled to the brim with newly experienced hormones! Genius!"

Can I ask one question before The Teen Titans infiltrate Belle Reve Prison? Why does Tim know so much about the Suicide Squad? I know I realized about 17 months ago that no covert team or black ops agency in DC has ever actually been secret no matter how much the writers make characters say the organization is secret. But the Teen Titans were busy with a lot of shit while Amanda was busy trying to follow up on the Titans. It wasn't the other way around! You know what it is? Scott Lobdell couldn't figure out a reason to get the Suicide Squad to fight the Teen Titans, so he just changed what was going on to make the Teen Titans the predators. Or maybe something else happened that made sense. Remember how I stopped fucking paying attention to this comic book? Yeah. I probably missed something important.

Amanda Waller is busy looking for Kurt Lance because he was kidnapped by Regulus during Death of the Family. But Amanda has already found out where Kurt is in the pages of Suicide Squad. So this issue has forced itself to take place before the Suicide Squad goes after Yo Yo's sister. I'm sure Lobdell won't fuck that up later when the Titans begin fighting the Suicide Squad.

As the Teen Titans infiltrate Belle Reve, Red Robin goes over the members of the Squad. So he even knows the fucking Squad's roster, does he?! He's so smart!

As the alarms sound in Belle Reve, Harley, Deadshot, and Killer Shark run from their cells to defend the prison. Why don't they have locks on their cells? Why are they acting like the guards in the prison? They're supposed to go on suicidal missions, not protect the place. Why is Deadshot so fucking interested in getting them into action? I guess if there's a possibility he might die, he'd be super excited about it. And then King Shark is yammering on and on. I think he speaks more words in two panels than he's spoken in 18 issues of the Suicide Squad. And he's really excited about the break-in as well! I guess since last time Belle Reve had a break-in, King Shark had a nice bit of Grifter appetizer. So he might just be hungry.

So it makes sense because I might as well believe that Tim Drake could figure out who Kurt Lance was and his connection to Amanda Waller and her running a super secret organization out of Belle Reve because why would Amanda be careful about any of that information? Besides, Red Robin trained with Batman! That should stop any questions. Except for one! How the fuck did Amanda Waller know about their trip to "Mystery Island"?

Waller tells the Squad to stop protecting the prison because the Teen Titans are now leaving. She and Red Robin came to an agreement that I very much doubt is going to be explained in this issue. Probably because even Scott Lobdell doesn't know what it is. He just needed a way to tie up the Kurt Lance and Amanda Waller following the Teen Titans story because he never could come up with a reason for Amanda wanting them. When Amanda sends the Titans on their way, she tells Red Robin, "You only think you won today." Won what?! Was there a contest? Am I supposed to believe that Amanda only wanted to "question" the Teen Titans all of this time?

I don't care how smart Tim Drake is. This whole bit about him hunting down the Suicide Squad and forcing Amanda into a position she doesn't want to be in is bullshit. Unless he had information about Amanda and Kurt's daughter Havana (the one I made up but I guarantee exists! Trust me!), she should have just shot him in the face and buried him in the courtyard.

And then Trigon appears.

As if Scott Lobdell knew what was going to happen when this art was completed.

Teen Titans #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. Hey Scott! Learn to write a complete story! Your fucking cliffhangers aren't cliffhangers when none of your readers believe you have the writing chops to plan anything. This story is basically a one shot where the Titans face off against the Suicide Squad. But then you never fucking resolve the story. And you probably never will! My guess is that Lobdell has no fucking clue what Tim Drake's deal was with Amanda. But now he can bring in the Squad or use Amanda when he gets stuck telling some other story. And it'll appear that Tim Drake knew months ahead of time that he would need the Squad or Amanda to perform just this right thing at just this right time. You know, the way Harvest could do. Oh my God! I just realized something! Tim Drake is Harvest!

Firestorm #18

Time for "Attack of the Fifty One Inch Tall Men"!

In the Preboot Universe, Multiplex was Martin Stein's partner who had all the best ideas which Martin Stein stole. The stories are told in a totally biased way that makes Stein seem like the good guy and his partner, Sirius Black, look like a lazy, thieving asshole. But I'm fairly certain Stein was trying to marginalize his partner and his partner's ideas and efforts to their project. In the Preboot Universe, the project was a fully automated Nuclear Reactor. I imagine Multiplex will once again be a rival of Martin Stein's. He was probably a janitor where Stein worked when he came up with the Firestorm Protocol and he once suggested a really good place for lunch with which Martin became enamored. When Martin Stein finally perfected the Firestorm Protocol and didn't thank Sirius Black for his part in the effort, he went a little bit nuts and stole some of the Protocol. But the Protocol reacted strangely with his anti-psychotic medication and instead of becoming a Firestorm, he became a Multiplex!

That's my expert speculation on the secret origin of Multiplex. Now it's time to read the comic book and see how quickly it proves me right. Or how quickly I pretend it proves me right.

The issue begins with Skull Crusher and Relay robbing a Q-Core Facility in New York.

I'm pretty certain that ripping a metal door from its hinges in a metal wall will make noise, telekinesis or no telekinesis. But since Telekinesis is just a bunch of fantasy hoodoo, I guess I can't prove my point. So maybe Relay is correct!

How come Skull Crusher and Relay are out walking around free and clear? Doesn't Firestorm realize that when he beats up a bunch of bad guys stealing from Star Labs and involved in other unlawful shenanigans, he should have them arrested? You don't just turn their costumes into bunny suits and then go back to high school because they've been "defeated"! Perhaps Skull Crusher and Relay simply have good lawyers. Or really trusting bail bondsmen.

Unluckily for Skull Crusher and Relay and their bail bondsmen who probably just lost a ton of cash trusting these assholes, Firestorm is waiting inside the Q-Core vault. However he knew this heist was going down, he thinks that Skull Crusher and Relay were behind Ronnie's mom's kidnapping. I guess Firestorm doesn't really have very many enemies to blame yet, so he's got to go to the bad guys he's failed to lock up first. They deny having anything to do with a kidnapping and Jason's floating head believes them. So it's time to once again bring Skull Crusher to justice, if not for the kidnapping, then for the Q-Core robbery!

Justice served!

The next two pages explain why Skull Crusher and Relay were running about free. It's because the military took them into custody and they escaped. Okay, I guess the two pages explained some other things too. The bottom line is that Firestorm has no idea who has Ronnie's mom. I bet it was Multiplex!

Meanwhile, Ronnie's mom is busy meeting Multiplex. Probably.

And still being a racist asshole.

That this guy is probably Multiplex won't come as a big shock to any comic book readers out there. But that isn't the real mystery here anyway. Why was "Rick" tied up in the unlocked office next to Ronnie's mom? Is it a ploy to get her to bond with him so he can gather information? Or is this "Rick" the main version of Multiplex and his "other selves" rebelled and tied him up? Nobody has ever become "weak" from being "tied up in a chair", so he's obviously suffering from having multiple versions of himself on the loose. Could it be that he's telling the truth about being jumped by men in the parking lot? Perhaps he doesn't know he can fart out exact duplicates of himself! Well, exact if you don't take size into consideration. From the Pre-Crisis Who's Who entry, it states that the more of himself he makes, the smaller they become. How embarrassing!

So the real mystery isn't whether this guy is Multiplex but what the fuck does Multiplex want and where did he come from and does he have a patent on his power and, if so, is he going to sue the fuck out of Mob Rules?

This guy comes up with an escape plan which Ronnie's mom finds too complex to understand.

I imagine if his plan was to throw something through the office window, Ronnie's mom's helpful advice would be, "The window's closed!"

Meanwhile a secret cabal of shadowy figures hidden in the shadows is watching "Rick" and Ronnie's Mom as they try to escape through a horde of Multiplex Men. It looks like "Rick" led Ronnie's Mom to her phone so that she'd be tempted to call Firestorm to come save her.

The only person I can think of that would be after Firestorm for personal reasons so far in The New 52 is the woman changed in Issue #1 due to Ronnie and Jason's first use of the Firestorm Protocol. The woman that probably became Killer Frost. Or it's Martin Stein's ex-wife.

My guess is that the shadowy group of figures is the 2000 Committee. But I suppose they need a new name now! Based on their feet and my own fucked up wishes, I think this group is composed of Black Bison, The Weasel, Killer Frost, and Mind Boggler. Since The Weasel probably isn't actually one of them, he can be replaced by Bolt or Slipknot. And maybe not Mind Boggler but Plastique instead. So maybe this isn't the 2000 Committee since that was a stupid name anyway! Maybe this is the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins.

While Firestorm is out chasing after the wrong hoodlums, Jason's father tries to bully Tonya into liking Jason.

Jason's Dad: "Come on, Tonya! You're cute! You've known him since kindergarten. Just date him!"
Tonya: "You really don't know much about your son, do you, Mr. Rusch?"
Jason's Dad: "Please just get him to stop merging with the high school quarterback!"

Multiplex's plan comes together and Ronnie's Mom gets a call out to send Firestorm! Yay! I hope we find out who kidnapped his mom because they apparently can't wait to have their insides turned into gelatin! "Let's piss off Firestorm! Why don't we insult Captain Atom as well! I know! Let's defecate on Martha Wayne's grave while we're at it!"

Firestorm arrives to find a Multiplex that doesn't put up much of a fight. Instead he leads Firestorm to a machine that's seemingly sucking the life out of Ronnie's Mom and "Rick". It's obviously a trap and Firestorm knows it's a trap but the best kind of traps are the ones that people willingly walk right into! So he zaps the machine and the machine begins sucking out his power and that, finally, is when Jason recognizes "Rick" as Sirius Black. Which apparently means something to somebody somewhere.

So he's the jerk responsible for half of the world's population being Firestorms! Maybe!

Firestorm does that thing that Mister Terrific did to Brainstorm where he pumps him too full of power and gives him some kind of non-digestive indigestion! Jason Rusch must be the fourth smartest man on Earth! I mean, the third since Mister Terrific is no longer on this Earth! Once Multiplex collapses from feeding on too much energy, Ronnie frees his mom and everybody is ready to go back home and forget this comic book ever happened. Except the 2000 Committee is ready to party like it's 1999!

The Justice League is going to be so disappointed to lose a new member so soon.

Firestorm #18 Rating: No change. There wasn't one spark of romance in this entire book! Unless you count Jason's dad hitting on Tonya in Jason's stead "romance". I don't! I just call that "icky".

Firestorm! (as seen in Firestorm!)

Part 20 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Egos: Ronald (Ronnie) Raymond (originally Rockwell) and Professor Martin Stein [Now, of course, Jason Rusch playing the part of the smart half.]
Occupation: (Raymond) College Student, (Stein) Physics Professor at Vandermeer University, former designer of Hudson Nuclear Facility, former employee of Concordance Research Corporation [Jeezly Crow! This category wasn't "Resume"!]
Marital Status: (Raymond) Single (Stein) Divorced [You'd think they'd throw a comma in their somewhere.]
Known Relatives: (Raymond) Edward Raymond (originally Rockwell, father [What's with the originally Rockwell crap?]), Elaine Rockwell (mother, deceased [Do I sense some incest happening here? Is that why the name change!?]), (Stein) Clarissa Clemens (wife, divorced)
Group Affliliation: Justice League of America
Base of Operations: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, formerly New York City
First Appearance: FIRESTORM #1
Height: (Firestorm) 6'2" (Raymond) 6'1" (Stein)5'10"
Weight: (Firestorm) 202 lbs. (Raymond) 179 lbs. (Stein) 161 lbs.
Eyes: (Firestorm) White (no pupils) (Raymond) Blue (Stein) Brown
Hair: (Firestorm) Inapplicable [Yes it is! The color you want is FIRE! Fire is the color you want!] (Raymond) Brown (Stein) Gray [Or Grey.]

HISTORY
"Nobel prizewinning physicist Professor Martin Stein designed the Hudson Nuclear Facility, a fully automated nuclear generating plant. His former assistant, Dr. Danton Black (see Multiplex), falsely accused Stein of stealing his plans for the plant, causing the government to forbid the plant's opening until Black's charges were investigated. Stein, however, was determined to start the plant's operation that night.

That evening high school student Ronnie Raymond decided to join Edward Earhart's anti-nuclear power group [Oh! Oh! Irony!], which was protesting the facility's opening. Raymond, however, objected when he learned that Earhart planned to blow up the plant. Stein activated the plant's nuclear reactor. Earhart knocked both Raymond and Stein unconscious and left them in the main reactor room with a bomb [I think some pertinent information was left out for space. How did they all get in the reactor? Why was Ronnie inside with Earhart after protesting the protest? How did Earhart knocking them out?]. Raymond revived moments before the bomb exploded, increasing the scale of the ongoing nuclear reaction [Wait. The act of Raymond reviving increased the nuclear reaction?]. Raymond and Stein were bombarded with radiation and fused into the Nuclear man called Firestorm. Firestorm captured Earhart, became a super-hero, [Spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy,] and eventually joined the Justice League of America (see Justice League of America)."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Through an act of will on the part of either man, Ronnie Raymond and Martin Stein can fuse to become the composite super-human being called Firestorm. Apparently Raymond and Stein must be within a certain undefined radius of each other in order to merge [Probably six inches! Wokka wokka wokka!]. When the merger occurs, the man who did not will the merger [This is getting into dicey legal territory, I think.] vanishes altogether, and Firestorm appears in the place of the man who willed the merger. Although the two men's bodies fuse [I knew this whole Firestorm thing was simply a romantic analogy.], their consciousnesses remain mostly separate. Because only Raymond was conscious at the time of Firestorm's creation, it is his consciousness that controls the Nuclear Man, although Stein's can offer advice. If, however, Raymond is unconscious when the merger occurs [Okay, now I KNOW that's illegal!], Stein's consciousness controls Firestorm. When Firestorm turns back to Raymond and Stein, the two men appear next to each other.

Firestorm's principal power is the ability to perceive and rearrange the atomic and molecular structure of matter, so as to change its form or transmute it. He can alter the density of objects, including his own body, even so as to render them intangible. Firestorm can project bolts of nuclear energy, fly at great speed, and absorb explosive force and radiation into his body harmlessly. However, if he directs his power against organic matter other than himself, he causes only an energy feedback that may harm him. Also, he cannot project energy bolts while he is intangible.

Firestorm's hair appears to be aflame, but this effect does not harm him."

Aquaman #18

Nobody likes me! Everybody hates me! Going to eat some woooor...Holy fuck who put a hook in this thing?!

Aquaman has become an emo sad sack because he has to live with the fact that he fucked his brother big time just to impress a handful of super land dwellers. The other land dwellers are now all afraid of him. His Atlantean guards don't trust him. He's just a big fat mess and the only people left that will talk to him are fish. I'll move this comic book to Rank #1 and shove Batman down to #2 if it's just twenty pages of Aquaman pouting on the ocean floor.

Instead of pouting, Aquaman and his aquamen have been traveling around the world confiscating Atlantean weapons from humans who purchased them in suspicious circumstances from a fence named Scavenger. I'm pretty sure Aquaman confiscated Atlantean technology legally owned by people as well since Atlantis doesn't give a shit about Land Laws.

So Aquaman is going around attacking legitimate business people like the whalers from last issue and sketchy assholes all over the world because he feels he has a reason for doing so. Just like his brother had a reason for attacking the Land Nations because they attacked him. I think somebody is a gigantic hypocrite who owes his brother an apology and a nail file inside of a delicious crab-cake. I think Aquaman gets away with his attacks because most of the Atlantean technology has fallen into the hands of criminals. But what if another Land Nation got their hands on a bunch of the technology? Aquaman would feel justified attacking that nation to get the weapons back, right? And then he'd start another internoceanal incident.

I don't think the rest of the world knows what he's doing though because Aquaman stories always get buried way in the back of the newspapers.

Oh! Oh! I know what they say! "Joke. Stupid. Dumb. Ridiculous. Useless. Impotent. Fish fucker. Octopus diddler. Mollusk Molester. Bitch. Cunt. Did I say joke? Jerk. Poop head. Worst member of the Justice League ever. Dumb powers. Silly. Ugly costume. No reason for existing. Stupid piece of shit. Disappointing. Should I go on? Boring. Really boring. Super duper boring. Unimaginative. Waste of space. Douchebag. Crumb cake. Pool piddler. Way too interested in butt stuff with fish. Tarter sauce dumpster. One of the best comic books of The New 52. That's about it."

Now Tula, Orm's sister and Aquagirl, is waiting to speak with Aquaman in the throne room. I'm sure she has some reasonable questions for him about his part in Orm's incarceration.

Orm's father was Tula's father. Aquaman's mother was Orm's mother. So that makes Tula and Aquaman strangers. Tula wants to know if Orm is going to be killed.

Don't worry about Orm. He'll be a member of the Secret Society of Super Villains soon enough. Although they probably don't need two Ocean Villains, do they? And they're already trying to recruit Black Manta. I guess he'll have to hope for a spot on the Suicide Squad.

Meanwhile on land, Mera is being hassled by the police. Even though she has some huge beef with Atlantis, it won't be long until the surface dwellers chase her back into the ocean. Although I don't know what she's going to do with Aquadog if that happens. Perhaps Atlantis has medical procedures to outfit animals with gills. Can you just add gills to normal land lungs and cross your fingers and pray to Poseidon? Is that enough?

Here's a picture of Mera in her natural state of righteous indignation.

Aquaman visits Vulko in Underwater Prison and learns that the person selling Atlantean Technology to thieves, murderers, and whalers is most likely The Scavenger! That's what I said last issue, Vulko! Sheesh. I should be Aquaman's adviser.

Me: "Aquaman, sir! I just wanted to report some sharks have killed some tuna nearby. Should we send out some patrols to go shake down those fucking Cartilage Heads?"
Aquaman: "What? God no! What is wrong with you? That's in the shark's nature. It has to feed."
Me: "If you say so. But I don't like it. So many sharks moving into the area. I think we should make a sweep before real estate prices fall."
Aquaman: "Will you calm down about the sharks? They're just like all the other sea creatures. They just want to live their lives and be left alone."
Me: "Sure, sure. But you can't blame me for crossing to the other side of the current when I see one swimming my way, can you?"
Aquaman: "Who the fuck hired you? Get out of my throne room!"

Meanwhile...oh look! Big surprise!

Dun dun DUN!

And then the weird old crusty guy that woke up beneath Antarctica because he was totally envious of Arthur claiming to be the King of the Seven Seas ends up in Maine in time to keep Mera from being arrested. He does this by freezing all the police and nearly killing Mera as well. I have a feeling this isn't going to help Mera's relationship with the Land Dwellers.

Aquaman #18 Rating: No change. I still have no idea who this crusty old Atlantean king is but if I had to guess, I'd say it was Orm and Tula's father. Of course if this were Preboot continuity, Orm's father would be Aquaman's father after Aquaman's dad grew tired of waiting for his first wife to return from the ocean and married some land dwelling whore. But now instead of Orm becoming a bad guy because he was always jealous of his older brother's not-that-cool-at-all powers, he gets to become a bad guy because his brother acted like a complete dick by giving him up to the land dwelling authorities! I think I like this version of Orm better.

Justice League #18

I think deadend spoiled this issue when he said, "Cyborg handles all cell phone narrative bullshit. For everyone." That has to be what this is about!

The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it's time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I'll get enough of that in the next comic book I'm going to read. If you're really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be: Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I'm going to treat everyone as if they're really dumb so that I don't make them feel dumb. And that shouldn't bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won't even notice a difference.

Smart Reader: "Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what's happening in the comic books I'm too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!"
Dumb Reader: "You're right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!"
Tess Ate Chai Tea: "The phrase "Duty. Honor. Country." always makes me giggle because all I hear is "Doody on her cunt" and then I crack up."

This issue begins with two kids at Pittsburgh High in a computer lab. Since it isn't Walton Hills High School and the characters aren't acting like Ronnie and Jason, I don't know who they are.. Also, Jason is interested in his new lab partner named Blythe instead of faking interest in Tonya while actually being interested in Ronnie. So they can't be Firestorm, right?

Wrong. But what do I know? Maybe I forgot that Walton Hills burned down or something.

I like that Geoff Johns can basically take any characters in the DCnU and write them however the fuck he feels they should be written. I guess as long as Jason cares about school and Ronnie cares about sports, their characterization is pretty much dead on. Not that it matters though. The only good thing about the Firestorm comic book is the budding romance between Jason and Ronnie and I think that might just be in my imagination. So if Johns can make Firestorm fun and interesting, what do I care how he changes them?

Except for the romance thing! Keep that!

While they bicker (cute!), Jason and Ronnie receive messages from Cyborg telling them he can help them with their future plans if they're willing to help him. Wink wink. This romance just got cyber interesting!

Next to be recruited by Cyborg is Black Canary who is fighting Copperhead in Gotham. I mean Baltimore. What the fuck is up with all the incorrect locations? This isn't an omniscient narrator! It's an amnesiac narrator! Not that Black Canary is limited to fighting crime in Gotham. But I wanted to pretend that everything was fucked up. Intentionally misunderstanding is fun and it makes other people look stupid while you look smart! Except you don't look smart at all, I guess. I probably looked pretty stupid thinking Black Canary isn't allowed to set foot in Baltimore to take down Copperhead. The Birds of Prey were probably the right group to take him down though since his weakness is apparently seeing a vagina.

This misrepresentation of the story is for readers that keep up with my Supergirl commentaries.

Next, Zatanna has apparently made it back from Faerie alive and is getting the brush off from Constantine. So she's off Justice League Dark because Justice League needs some magic. How does Amanda Waller not know that the Justice League is hiring? Her whole plan of matching one member of her team with one member of her other team is going to need some updating already! She's going to have to make sure Green Arrow becomes a full time member to combat Black Canary. And she'll need Captain Atom on her team to combat Firestorm. And she'll need Annataz to combat Zatanna.

And then it finally happens! One of those big Justice League interview issues! Crowd the satellite with a bunch of familiar faces and give them a moment to answer Batman's questions correctly or incorrectly, and we've got new members! Although the best interview ever probably goes to Hitman.

Don't get too excited about New 52 Hitman! This is from Grant Morrison's run. That was a reminder just in case you forgot that Martian Manhunter won't be conducting the interviews today.

The potential candidates (beginning with the coloreds) are Black Canary, Black Lightning, Blue Devil, Goldrush, and Platinum. The non-coloreds are Element Woman (yes, please!), Firestorm, Nightwing, Vixen, and Zatanna. I wonder what the Justice League can offer for full time members? Benefits? A salary? Or do they just try to fool them into the "making the world a better place being its own reward" bullshit? These people all have rents to pay!

The person I'm most interested in at this gathering (besides Element Woman!) is Platinum. I'm pretty sure this is the first time a Metal Man has been seen although they were mentioned in **mumble mumble mutter** back in **mumble mumble mumble**! Why would she be interviewing alone? Did she finally get sick of all the sexism in a group with "men" in the title? I imagine she finally got fed up being the only one doing the dishes, screamed, "Fuck you all!", turned briefly into a gigantic platinum middle finger, and flounced the fuck out of their headquarters. Or she's simply here to spy for Will Magnus.

Looks like Dr. Magnus has yet to perfect his super duper wacky A.I. personalities.

Zatanna declines because she needs to find her father's killer. Nightwing declines because he's still mad at Batman. Blue Devil and Black Lightning decline because they're a team and Black Lightning is a teacher and wants to stay close to his local district to help the troubled youths. Flash doesn't want Goldrush because he's afraid of her strength. And by strength I mean libido.

Element Woman mentions Rex Mason, Metamorpho! I think that means all of the original Outsiders have cropped up. Sort of. Black Lightning is here. Looker and Halo have been mentioned and seen very, very briefly in Batman Incorporated. Metamorpho mentioned here. Katana has her own book. That leaves Geoforce but I count him as being mentioned simply because Terra exists. And because she was kidnapped by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and had her memory fucked with, I imagine Geoforce will come looking for her some day.

And then Platinum freaks out because she suddenly doesn't know where she is. And she shows her love and concern for Will Magnus. Looks like her personality is kicking in! Too bad she begins kicking ass at the same time. Cyborg is in contact with Will and Will tells him about her Responsometer. Oh yeah! That was what the Wacky A.I. Personality mechanism was called! Since Platinum's personality resides solely in the Responsometer (although I think it reacts to the metal it's encased in to give the different personalities of the Metal Men, so technically the personality is a combination of the two), Magnus informs them that if they can separate the platinum from the Responsometer, she'll be stopped. Firestorm turns her platinum into water and her Responsometer crashes toward the floor! Oh noes! None of these super heroes have any abilities at all that can react in time to save it! Not The Flash! Not Superman! Not Batman! Not Wonder Woman! Not Cyborg! Not Firestorm! Not Element Woman! I can't think of any way at all that the Responsometer can be saved now!

Look at The Flash and those other dicks! Just standing there watching the thing crash to the ground. Fucking jerks.

Batman is looking for members to join the League full time because the other heroes have so many of their own commitments. So I understand why they choose Element Woman. I'm pretty sure she just sits in her apartment dreaming she had friends. I'm happy to see her on a team and interacting with people. But then they also choose The Atom who's currently in college and Firestorm who is currently in high school. How does that translate to being able to commit full time?

As soon as the League decides on the new members, their system crashes, their files are stolen, and a skull and crossbones pops up on the computer monitor. Somebody hacked their system during the interview and it looks like it may be the same person that kidnapped Ronnie Raymond's mom! I have a feeling Cyborg hacked himself. Not because he's a traitor but because he was probably infected with some kind of Trojan Horse virus. I wonder if he has anti-virus software installed?

Meanwhile in the back-up story, Black Adam is destroying New York looking for Shazam since he doesn't know that Shazam is currently hiding inside of a young boy. Um. Anyway, Freddy realizes Black Adam is looking for Shazam and tells his brothers and sisters all about Billy and Shazam because Billy needs their help. They find Billy hanging out at the zoo with Tawny and then they all set out to once again find the wizard and figure out how to give the Shazam powers to somebody else. I think they'll find that but not in the way they expect! It looks like the Shazam Family will be here soon!

Which is good because Dr. Sivanus has a super team of his own.

Justice League #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd really like to know what incentives members get for joining the Justice League. Giffen's League all received paychecks, right? But it seems like whenever Superman and Batman are involved, it's gauche to bring up payment. Jerks.