The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19

I knew his other problem was the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins!

Judging by the cover, it looks like I got three of the identities of the shadowy figures right: Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Plastique. And maybe I got four right if that Hyena guy is actually Jurgen's version of The Weasel! But then, all I had to do was vomit forth a bunch of Firestorm's traditional enemies! Anybody who wasted their youth reading Firestorm comic books could have done the same thing.

Last issue ended with Firestorm believing he had just saved his mom from Multiplex's trap. What he didn't know was that this trap came in multiple parts and now he was going to have to face the 2000 Committee. Or the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins. Or whatever Reboot name Firestorm's rogues' gallery decided to take.

Turns out the Hyena guy I thought might be The Weasel is actually The Hyena. Seems like an appropriate foe for Firestorm.

The Hyena wants Firestorm dead. Black Bison wants him to research his power so they can learn to wage war better. Killer Frost insists on making temperature related puns. And Plastique has yet to be introduced as she just stands around in the background gawking. Firestorm simply wants to get his mother to safety. But he winds up dropping her due to Bison's mystic winds and he crashes into the bay and gets knocked out. Will Jason Rusch finally learn that he can control Firestorm when Ronnie Raymond is unconscious?

Jason's father and Tonya, the girl Jason is pretending to be in love with, are racing to the warehouse where the battle is taking place. Tonya is a bit of a genius and has traced Ronnie's mom's cell phone to the docks. And since Firestorm might not be powerful enough to save her, the high-school girl and the one-armed man are coming to save the day.

After the cut scene, Ronnie wakes up to Jason yelling inside his head. I guess Jason just has to sit by in his incorporeal state and watch as they die if Ronnie is ever unconscious and in mortal danger. Can't Jason at least end the merge himself and then rescue the unconscious Ronnie from danger? That would make more sense than watching Ronnie drown while yelling at him to wake up.

While underwater, Ronnie meets another eyeshadow enthusiast.

After his brief foray underwater, Firestorm returns to land to dump Hyena in the bay and grab his mom. But before they can escape, Killer Frost freezes them to the docks. Firestorm can't alter the ice and Jason believes it's because it might have some kind of organic component. But, um, Firestorm can still generate heat, right? He should still be able to melt it without worrying about transmuting it. Right? Unless Killer Frost should be called Killer Polycarbonate Mixed With Some Organic Component. And, well fuck, that should melt too with extreme heat! Although I guess getting the heat high enough to melt plastic would probably kill Ronnie's mom at the same time.

Meanwhile, Plastique still hasn't been introduced properly and really hasn't shown her face since looking confused during the initial reveal.

What was Ronnie's mom, the racist, about to call killer frost? "Bisexual beauty"? "Bigoted hussy"? "Bipartisan cow"?

Watching the battle from a top secret secret war room of secrecy, General Eiling watches the battle. But he's tired of just watching the battle! He wants to win the battle! But a battle can't be won simply by watching the battle. One must participate in the battle if one wants Firestorm's head to eventually end up on a platter at one's feet! So he sends in his super secret agent of secrecy because Dan Jurgens just loves showing shadowy figures to be revealed later. I get the feeling Dan Jurgens is the kind of guy that makes love for hours, constantly keeping his companion at the edge of sexual ecstasy, teasing and teasing until his partner can't take anymore, grows bored, and stops reading his fucking comic books.

Luckily the 2000 Committee can't help fighting amongst themselves and Multiplex stops Killer Frost from killing Ronnie's mom. And then Jason comes up with a plan to free Firestorm from the ice! But I have to scan it in if you want to know how the plan worked because I haven't got a fucking clue.

By making eye contact with Multiplex, it caused a metaphysical link between all eighteen souls in the two different bodies which overloaded the biochemical circuits in Firestorm's pituitary gland which enabled him to fire a blast from his hand and into Multiplex's right kidney causing the organic ice to shatter into a majillion pieces.

After Firestorm frees Ronnie's mom, Typhoon nearly drowns them both. It's at this point in the battle that Ronnie's mom is having serious regrets about having children. And now that Multiplex is full of Firestorm hormones, he's turned into four copies of himself all with super strength. Multiplex has done the math and realizes that if he makes fifteen of himself, they're all at normal human strength. So I think I overestimated the amount of souls in Multiplex's body by one!

After Firestorm finally defeats Multiplex for good, the final member of the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins introduces herself.

Zings? What ze fuck are zose?

As Plastique promises (and possibly why she's told to remain in the back where she can't hurt anybody), everything fucking explodes. Firestorm. Ronnie's mom. Multiplex. Hyena. Killer Frost. Typhoon. Black Bison. Plastique. Everything! BWHOOOM! Gigantic fireball! And Jason's dad and Tonya arrive just in time to see the explosion. Luckily they stopped a block away so they could run through the streets slowly instead of continuing to drive. Perhaps they ran out of gas. After the explosion, a burning fireball of a person crashes down on Jason's dad's car. And Tonya the medical expert makes a snap judgment call on the condition of the victim.

Well, I guess that's that then! The Final Battle will be between Tonya, Jason's Dad, and General Eiling's Secret Man of Secrecy. Since, you know, they're the only people left alive.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19 Rating: No change. I can't believe how quickly the romance in this book took a back seat to constant action. I guess strong bonds are formed in battle, so once Jason and Ronnie have some downtime, maybe they'll be able to lose themselves in each other. They were married in the Zero Issue and I don't think they've even had their first kiss yet! Disappointing.

Firestorm #18

Time for "Attack of the Fifty One Inch Tall Men"!

In the Preboot Universe, Multiplex was Martin Stein's partner who had all the best ideas which Martin Stein stole. The stories are told in a totally biased way that makes Stein seem like the good guy and his partner, Sirius Black, look like a lazy, thieving asshole. But I'm fairly certain Stein was trying to marginalize his partner and his partner's ideas and efforts to their project. In the Preboot Universe, the project was a fully automated Nuclear Reactor. I imagine Multiplex will once again be a rival of Martin Stein's. He was probably a janitor where Stein worked when he came up with the Firestorm Protocol and he once suggested a really good place for lunch with which Martin became enamored. When Martin Stein finally perfected the Firestorm Protocol and didn't thank Sirius Black for his part in the effort, he went a little bit nuts and stole some of the Protocol. But the Protocol reacted strangely with his anti-psychotic medication and instead of becoming a Firestorm, he became a Multiplex!

That's my expert speculation on the secret origin of Multiplex. Now it's time to read the comic book and see how quickly it proves me right. Or how quickly I pretend it proves me right.

The issue begins with Skull Crusher and Relay robbing a Q-Core Facility in New York.

I'm pretty certain that ripping a metal door from its hinges in a metal wall will make noise, telekinesis or no telekinesis. But since Telekinesis is just a bunch of fantasy hoodoo, I guess I can't prove my point. So maybe Relay is correct!

How come Skull Crusher and Relay are out walking around free and clear? Doesn't Firestorm realize that when he beats up a bunch of bad guys stealing from Star Labs and involved in other unlawful shenanigans, he should have them arrested? You don't just turn their costumes into bunny suits and then go back to high school because they've been "defeated"! Perhaps Skull Crusher and Relay simply have good lawyers. Or really trusting bail bondsmen.

Unluckily for Skull Crusher and Relay and their bail bondsmen who probably just lost a ton of cash trusting these assholes, Firestorm is waiting inside the Q-Core vault. However he knew this heist was going down, he thinks that Skull Crusher and Relay were behind Ronnie's mom's kidnapping. I guess Firestorm doesn't really have very many enemies to blame yet, so he's got to go to the bad guys he's failed to lock up first. They deny having anything to do with a kidnapping and Jason's floating head believes them. So it's time to once again bring Skull Crusher to justice, if not for the kidnapping, then for the Q-Core robbery!

Justice served!

The next two pages explain why Skull Crusher and Relay were running about free. It's because the military took them into custody and they escaped. Okay, I guess the two pages explained some other things too. The bottom line is that Firestorm has no idea who has Ronnie's mom. I bet it was Multiplex!

Meanwhile, Ronnie's mom is busy meeting Multiplex. Probably.

And still being a racist asshole.

That this guy is probably Multiplex won't come as a big shock to any comic book readers out there. But that isn't the real mystery here anyway. Why was "Rick" tied up in the unlocked office next to Ronnie's mom? Is it a ploy to get her to bond with him so he can gather information? Or is this "Rick" the main version of Multiplex and his "other selves" rebelled and tied him up? Nobody has ever become "weak" from being "tied up in a chair", so he's obviously suffering from having multiple versions of himself on the loose. Could it be that he's telling the truth about being jumped by men in the parking lot? Perhaps he doesn't know he can fart out exact duplicates of himself! Well, exact if you don't take size into consideration. From the Pre-Crisis Who's Who entry, it states that the more of himself he makes, the smaller they become. How embarrassing!

So the real mystery isn't whether this guy is Multiplex but what the fuck does Multiplex want and where did he come from and does he have a patent on his power and, if so, is he going to sue the fuck out of Mob Rules?

This guy comes up with an escape plan which Ronnie's mom finds too complex to understand.

I imagine if his plan was to throw something through the office window, Ronnie's mom's helpful advice would be, "The window's closed!"

Meanwhile a secret cabal of shadowy figures hidden in the shadows is watching "Rick" and Ronnie's Mom as they try to escape through a horde of Multiplex Men. It looks like "Rick" led Ronnie's Mom to her phone so that she'd be tempted to call Firestorm to come save her.

The only person I can think of that would be after Firestorm for personal reasons so far in The New 52 is the woman changed in Issue #1 due to Ronnie and Jason's first use of the Firestorm Protocol. The woman that probably became Killer Frost. Or it's Martin Stein's ex-wife.

My guess is that the shadowy group of figures is the 2000 Committee. But I suppose they need a new name now! Based on their feet and my own fucked up wishes, I think this group is composed of Black Bison, The Weasel, Killer Frost, and Mind Boggler. Since The Weasel probably isn't actually one of them, he can be replaced by Bolt or Slipknot. And maybe not Mind Boggler but Plastique instead. So maybe this isn't the 2000 Committee since that was a stupid name anyway! Maybe this is the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins.

While Firestorm is out chasing after the wrong hoodlums, Jason's father tries to bully Tonya into liking Jason.

Jason's Dad: "Come on, Tonya! You're cute! You've known him since kindergarten. Just date him!"
Tonya: "You really don't know much about your son, do you, Mr. Rusch?"
Jason's Dad: "Please just get him to stop merging with the high school quarterback!"

Multiplex's plan comes together and Ronnie's Mom gets a call out to send Firestorm! Yay! I hope we find out who kidnapped his mom because they apparently can't wait to have their insides turned into gelatin! "Let's piss off Firestorm! Why don't we insult Captain Atom as well! I know! Let's defecate on Martha Wayne's grave while we're at it!"

Firestorm arrives to find a Multiplex that doesn't put up much of a fight. Instead he leads Firestorm to a machine that's seemingly sucking the life out of Ronnie's Mom and "Rick". It's obviously a trap and Firestorm knows it's a trap but the best kind of traps are the ones that people willingly walk right into! So he zaps the machine and the machine begins sucking out his power and that, finally, is when Jason recognizes "Rick" as Sirius Black. Which apparently means something to somebody somewhere.

So he's the jerk responsible for half of the world's population being Firestorms! Maybe!

Firestorm does that thing that Mister Terrific did to Brainstorm where he pumps him too full of power and gives him some kind of non-digestive indigestion! Jason Rusch must be the fourth smartest man on Earth! I mean, the third since Mister Terrific is no longer on this Earth! Once Multiplex collapses from feeding on too much energy, Ronnie frees his mom and everybody is ready to go back home and forget this comic book ever happened. Except the 2000 Committee is ready to party like it's 1999!

The Justice League is going to be so disappointed to lose a new member so soon.

Firestorm #18 Rating: No change. There wasn't one spark of romance in this entire book! Unless you count Jason's dad hitting on Tonya in Jason's stead "romance". I don't! I just call that "icky".

The Fury of Firestorm #16

I think I saw this as an anime during the after hour movie showings in the movie room at Anime Expo in the mid-nineties.

Fury of Firestorm was ranked at 160 in sales in December 2012. That means comic book fans enjoy subtle homosexual high school romance a little bit less than vampires and a little bit better than high school boys with parasites stuck in space. In other words, Firestorm should probably have been canceled by now. Apparently somebody at DC is optimistic things will be turning around for Firestorm.

Glancing at all of DC's sales numbers for December 2012, it looks like DC is going to have to start canceling two or three titles a month and replacing them with Batfamily titles if they want to get their sales numbers up! I can't believe fucking Demon Knights is barely selling. You people are illiterate heathens! Maybe DC should come out with a Demon Knight Kids cartoon. Cartoons are about the only thing that seems to boost sales on DC Comics. Other than Batman, of course.

And the non-Justice League International Batman (believe me! There's a difference!) has yet to guest star in Firestorm, so sales remain low! I just think not enough people realize that this book is homoerotic teen drama. If they knew, sales would be through the roof because it's terrific!

Last issue, Firestorm had dropped into the ocean and was about to drown because disembodied head Jason Rusch can't take control of Ronnie Raymond's body when he's knocked unconscious. But he can telepathically scream at him until he wakes up.

How come Jason's head isn't upside down when Firestorm is upside down? What would happen to Firestorm if the flame on his head was put out? This is Part Four of an ongoing storyline?!

In the lists of abilities that super heroes have, they'll sometimes mention if a character can survive underwater or in the vacuum of space because they don't need to breathe. But they never list if a person can speak and be understood while in space or underwater. That power just seems to be assumed. I think "not needing to breathe" automatically means they can "be heard underwater or in space." The above page doesn't mean Firestorm has that power since he might actually be saying "Glub glub glubble glub" but Jason hears his thoughts so he understands.

Firestorm spends a few minutes looking for Captain Atom until Ronnie remembers he has to be home in time for the big Homecoming game. That's when the scientists at the Continuum remind me that their Gaydar System, Dataxen, is currently tracking Firestorm. Dataxen is the thread linking the last four comic books together into a semi-cohesive plotline.

Can spending five minutes unconscious really be considered a coma? Perhaps it was a Power Coma.

Later at the big game, Ronnie's team is down by five with seventeen seconds left to play! Will he be the big hero? Or will another super villain attack everyone on the football field again? Will Jason even be able to pay attention while reading news stories on his phone about Firestorm being blamed for the theft at S.T.A.R. Labs? Will Ronnie's mom get lucky with Jason's dad two rows back?

"I can't watch! I'm just going to bury my head in your lap and bury your cock in my glub glub glubble glub!"

Quarterback Ronnie begins calling the play that could win them the Homecoming Game and all the high school glory! But a gigantic flying robot suddenly appears in the sky. Thankfully only Ronnie and Jason notice it or panic might ensue.

Dataxen would probably attack if he wasn't so confused by all the pings his Gaydar is picking up on the field.

Ronnie throws the winning pass but before a single teammate can pat him on the butt, Jason shuts down the lights in the stadium and runs on the field to celebrate by merging with Ronnie. They explode into the sky as Firestorm and celebrate by stuffing themselves into Dataxen's chest cavity. It's all part of Jason's plan to Trojan Horse the Continuum.

Did that last paragraph turn you on too? If so, here's a little more tantalizing innuendo.

You can tell Jason has talked someone through this before.

Once Dataxen enters the Continuum's deepest chamber, Firestorm explodes out of it to take down "the mooks" in control. But first they'll have to engage in a rematch against Relay, Skull Crusher, and the other one. The dark guy in the cape. El Voido or something. During the battle, Dr. Megala wakes up completely and falls in love.

What the fuck is Firestorm talking about?

Before the fight began, Firestorm turned the concrete in the ceiling into something mushy and unstable (maybe it was cereal which is why he needs milk?). The whole place has started to collapse and the entire Continuum is about to explode. So Firestorm ends up having to save everyone in the complex by transporting them out on a giant disk. It's amazing how ineffective the Continuum's super people are. Although it's quite refreshing to see a super hero that doesn't have trouble against a handful of super villains that shouldn't be trouble for him anyway.

In the midst of the rescue, the super smart scientists make a crazy observation.

That's quite the brazen conclusion from a single statement from an old man. I'm forty and I say the same exact fucking thing when I wake up sometimes! And that's after not having been in a five minute long coma.

Does this mean Dr. Megala has forgotten everything about J.T. Krul's run on Captain Atom? Lucky!

In the aftermath, General Eiling arrests everybody in the Continuum on vague charges of terrorism and being smarter than him. Or else he's just detaining them for questioning because he seems to think (wait for the big shock) Firestorm is a big jerk! And he's going to teach him a lesson if it's the last thing he does! Because how dare anybody have more power than the U.S. Military! Power like that cannot be trusted unless it's being controlled by America's corporate interests.

Elsewhere, Red Robin has taken an interest in finding out if Firestorm is a bad guy or not. Yeah because battling a flying nuclear reactor is exactly the threat level that a super smart mortal boy should be tackling. One of his reasons for investigating Firestorm is that the explosion on the aircraft carrier was "connected to the fact that [Firestorm] destroyed a test missile launched by Qurac." Oh yeah. Blame the guy stopping Qurac from causing more trouble! Of course all the things Red Robin is judging Firestorm by are things done while Dr. Megala was controlling him. He doesn't know that yet. But he also doesn't know the thing that's probably the driving force behind The Teen Titans investigating Firestorm: Firestorm is composed of two teenagers in love! I hope next month's cover says, "Firestorm versus Red Robin!" and it just shows Firestorm standing over a smoking pile of ashes.

Firestorm #16 Rating: No change. If you really like your comic books knee-deep in 80s comic book style, Firestorm is for you. I think it's currently at the top of its game since the whole new millennium threat of nuclear strikes by terrorist theme really never felt right. Although I do miss Fury and Scorn and Wrath! At some point, I'm sure they'll be back to explain what the fuck was going on with that Quantum Field craziness. But I can't recommend this comic book any stronger than its current rank because it hasn't really been focusing on the love story. I think Dan Jurgens might not realize that's the strongest part of this comic!

The Fury of Firestorm #14

Well get on with it then!

Last issue, Dan Jurgens introduced some secret characters to entice people to pick up the next issue and see what was going on. Except I know better! He was trying to keep Dr. Megala and Captain Atom's participation in this comic book secret for as long as possible so that people wouldn't instantly drop the book. Although I like to think comic book readers are smarter than that. It's not like J.T. Krul is coming on board! Just the character he tried to ruin.

When Captain Atom returns, will we have a love triangle?

At the end of last issue, Firestorm was crushed under a ton of machinery. But you can't keep a good nuclear man down! He returns to handily defeat Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher. Or if he can't defeat them, at least humiliate them until they turn cute fuzzy tails and run.

I'm pretty sure "FSASH!" is the sound effect for homosexual sex. Interesting note: "FSASH!" is also the sound effect for heterosexual sex!

While Ronnie Raymond easily counters all the attacks launched against him, he has a casual conversation with Jason Ruach's disembodied head. This conversation leads me to finally have a favorite half of the Firestorm couple.

Ha ha! Leave it to a dog person to basically say dog people are stupid!

Firestorm eventually flees and heads home, leaving the super villains to continue raiding STAR Labs like Ronnie and Jason believed they were doing. What a crappy super hero! Meanwhile Captain Atom looks on from the moon where he fled from everything. What a crappier super hero! The only person accomplishing anything is Dr. Megala! Since he's lost Captain Atom, he's getting closer and closer to finding Ronnie and Jason and then controlling Firestorm.

Smartest man in the DCnU and he's working on perfecting Gaydar.

The next day there's a little drama at high school but it isn't exciting at all. It's supposed to be the best part of this comic book and nothing much happens. Although Jason does find out that his dad is dating Ronnie's mom!

Nope! Guess again!

Dr. Megala, armed with all of the data he's collected with his robot Dataxen and his fancy quantum gaydar, sets up a trap to capture Firestorm. It works just as easily as you would expect when the smartest guy in the world matches wits with two high school guys. Dr. Megala traps Firestorm and transfers his consciousness into Firestorm's body! I don't know if that means there are now three consciousnesses inside of Firestorm or if Ronnie or Jason or both were transferred into the body of the old man. And what happens when Dr. Megala doesn't want to be Firestorm anymore? Does he just end up in the body of Jason and/or Ronnie? If it's "and", how the hell will that work?!

I think it's about time Captain Atom showed up to save the fucking day. Which he, you know, does. Super.

Shouldn't that be, "I'm here to help. Unless maybe it isn't my place to help? Would helping actually end up harming? Who am I to play god? Perhaps I should let man make his own way? Maybe I should just spend 12 issues paralyzed by my fear and doubts? You know, if that's okay with you? Maybe I should just get back to the moon. Sorry!"

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #14 Rating: No change. Better than the comic was with all of the crazy national Firestorms but not enough focus on Ronnie and Jason's relationship!