Detective Comics #18

Let the month of sadness begin!

I wonder if these Requiem titles are all going to try to out sadden all of the other Requiem titles. Do you think there's a pool in the DC Offices trying to guess who can make the most nerds cry? Even though Artya, one of my readers, already told me he wept like fifteen toddlers watching a puppy drown when he read Batman and Robin, Batman and Robin would have been my guess as to the most emotional of the batch. I'm sure Scott Snyder's Batman will be pretty good too. But Tomasi has just been knocking the feels out of the park over in Batman and Robin. I wonder if I should get drunk to help deaden the pain while I read it?

I'm actually not too worried about being sad while reading Detective Comics. I don't know much about John Layman and he's fairly new to the Detective Comics scene. And the only way my miniscule brain knows how to interpret that is: "John Layman sucks at writing emotion." As you can see, I'd make a really horrible detective.

But you know what? Forget about that loser Robin! Detective Comics doesn't have time for all of that sentimental claptrap! It's time for a fucking face-off between Oswald Cobblepot and Ignatius Ogilvy! Penguin Death Match!

Batman is busy cleaning up Arkham after The Joker's madcap party filled with hilarious anecdotes and raucous laughter. So this story must take place before Robin took twenty too many bullets to the chest. Maybe. Batman Incorporated seems to take place in a "Grant Morrison" space. That means you can wedge it in anywhere in the timeline it seems to fit because no editor is going to tell Grant Morrison to change something he's written. And don't even get me started on trying to figure out when a Scott Lobdell story falls into the timeline! Being that Batman is constantly everywhere, it's just not an issue. I think readers have learned to look askance at the minutiae of Batman's timeline.

While cleaning up Arkham, Batman has to figure out what to do with The Penguin since he was hardly there of his own free will.

That Penguin has some gall! Although he does have a fucking point. He is not one of these loony birds.

Batman has to let The Penguin go because, after all, he's just a little fuck that mostly just hides in his Casino. If Batman wants him, he knows where to get him. The real problem is the prisoner that they notice is missing after all of this: Victor Zsasz. And Batman has no idea where to find that maniac.

And then the scene changes to a cemetery, so it turns out I was wrong about the timeline. Robin is currently on the wrong side of the worm eating.

How does the funeral work? Different dates to bury Robin and Damian? Nobody in Gotham is putting two and two together here? "Holy shit! Batman's sidekick and Bruce Wayne's son both dead! What a coinky-dink!"

So Batman is sad and Alfred can't help because there isn't enough tea in the world to help Batman's broken heart. Although there are many, many types of tea that can probably help Batman forget about it, at least for awhile.

Since Zsasz has escaped, Batman doesn't have time to pick on the Penguin and make his life hell. But that's okay, Batman, because Ogilvy is doing it for you. The Emperor Penguin has taken over all of The Penguin's assets. The Penguin's credit cards have been canceled, his house is under armed guard, and his cell phone service has been killed. So The Penguin is forced to participate in the most unbelievable panel so far in The New 52.

A working phone booth in Gotham City? Please.

The Penguin grabs his secret cache of umbrella guns and heads off to the casino to murder himself an Emperor Penguin. But apparently Batman is really pissed off at the Penguin because when he hears some people have been murdered in a Zsaszy way, Batman heads off to bust the penguin for trespassing and vandalism at the zoo.

Nice work, Batman! Personal vendetta complete! Now maybe you can capture Zsasz before he kills some people that won't help with one of your own personal agendas!

Batman's really being a dick to The Penguin. Sure, The Penguin is a mob boss that should be in prison. But fuck, Bats! He didn't kill Damian! You should at least go take out some anger on Zsasz. Now that guy deserves a good beating. Although if you were to hang about the Casino, you might run into him seeing as how he was being paid by Emperor Penguin to kill Penguin's lawyers.

So Emperor Penguin Ogilvy has done it. He's taken over the role of The Penguin and The Penguin is off to spend some time in Blackgate. Perfect! I never really liked The Penguin anyway and Ogilvy has become one of my favorite not-too-smart Gotham residents! And even though I keep thinking he's getting too smart for his own good which, according to Ogilvy, is always the downfall of thugs in Gotham, I guess going after the Penguin was actually a pretty stupid move. Which is why he pulled it off! If it were a smart move, he would have failed! Or something. You know. According to Ogilvy's philosophy. But now Ogilvy is really getting stupid because he thinks the only person he needs to take down now is Batman! And he's going to use Langstrom's Man-bat Serum to do it! Oh Ogilvy. The only good way to deal with Batman is to stay off his fucking radar. It was nice knowing you!

Right. How many times am I going to say that to Ogilvy? This guy has pulled off some seriously ridiculous crap so far. And with a stupidly derivative name, too! I like this chump!

The back-up story is about Ogilvy hiring Zsasz to hurt The Penguin. Zsasz has a bit of a beef against The Penguin since it was at The Penguin's casino where Zsasz lost everything. I should pull out my Shadow of the Bat #1-4 and reread Zsasz's Preboot origin. Unless that wasn't his origin. I believe it was his first appearance though. Anyway, not much to say about it. Zsasz is on the loose. To be continued.

Detective Comics #18 Rating: No change. I don't think my mind was entirely on this comic while reading it. I walked away about three or four times to do other things. So it might have been better than I thought it was. Or not. It didn't have much sadness in it, that's for sure.

Swamp Thing #18

Sure. Live it up while Cliff Baker gets his heart ripped out. Jerks.

Swamp Thing and Animal Man have been sent back in time to fix the world. Animal Man did his thing over in Animal Man #18 and nothing tragic happened at all no matter what I said in the caption to the cover of this issue. So I'm pretty sure nothing tragic will happen in this one either even with the whole "death do them part" foreshadowment on the cover.

As in Animal Man's case, The Parliament of Decay spits Swamp Thing out in the past with about one second left to save Abby's life.

For a bunch of Parliamentary Corpses claiming to want to restore balance to the world, they cut it awfully close here.

But since The Swamp Thing apparently isn't fucking around this time, I guess one second is all he needs.

This is Page Two. I guess Snyder needs 18 pages to depict Abby fucking The Swamp Thing.

Too bad the fucking never happens. Abby and The Swamp Thing realize that Arcane will simply reform. They need to find a way to destroy him and get the Parliament of Decay to choose a newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar. Besides, Future Anton Arcane arrives to try to create his Rotworld again and discovers Past Anton Arcane ripped in half. He eats him and heads off to teach The Parliament of Decay a lesson for helping Swamp Thing and Animal Man.

Apparently the newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar next in the queue is Abby herself. She was always meant to be the next Avatar of Decay but she abdicated when Swamp Thing saved her from Sethe. That's when Anton was chosen as the Avatar. So for Abigail to accept her proper role as the Avatar of Decay, she needs to die just like Alec died to become Swamp Thing. So Swamp Thing shrugs his mossy shoulders and says, "Okay!"

It really didn't take that much convincing. This is like page three or something.

After killing Abby, Swamp Thing is killed by Anton. I sense a pattern here! Let me see if I can suss out what will happen next? Someone else needs to kill someone else. But who?!

Oh yeah! Abby takes Anton! At least she doesn't look like Howard Stern's Beetlejuice this time.

The Swamp Thing regrows back in the swamps of Louisiana near his Parliament of Seedlings. But the body of Alec Holland is gone, killed by Anton. Swamp Thing is all plant now and ready to take his place amongst the Parliament. Except this Swamp Thing has a choice. He can take root and finish out his days as a member of the Parliament, or he can continue to roam the world as The Green's Avatar. Before he chooses, he has a visitor bearing gifts.

What happens if they engage in sexual activity now? Will they destroy each other, leaving Maxine the most powerful creature on Earth?

Oh. Why am I always asking questions instead of turning pages!

I guess that's about as far as they can go.

After the romance, Swamp Thing chooses to continue to be the Avatar because legs. He has all the time in the world to end up rooted to one lousy spot in the swamp! As long as they're offering, he's going to hit the road!

Swamp Thing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm excited about Swamp Thing stories without having to deal with Alec Holland's human side! And we'll probably get a few Abby as the Avatar of Decay one shot stories here and there which should be fun. I really like where this comic is headed now.

Animal Man #18

Did he lose his wallet?

Now that I know Animal Man #18 is going to be 20 pages of Buddy Baker frantically searching for his wallet because he doesn't have a stupid pocket in that skin-tight outfit, I can relax and write about other things!

Hmm. I like cupcakes. Did you know that? I liked cupcakes when they were just something your mom could bake in the oven and slather crappy frosting on. Remember when cupcakes cost less than $5 a pop? Our society has created so many empty shells of people that they have no idea who or what they are without their likes and material possessions. So instead of simply liking cupcakes, they have to SUPER DUPER LIKE CUPCAKES AND GO TO CUPCAKE SHOPS AND BE SEEN WITH CUPCAKE SWAG AND OH MY GOD!!! CUPCAKES!!!!

I bet Ralph Waldo Emerson used to run around town bitching about how fancy and trendy scones had suddenly become!

Yes, I'm comparing myself to Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Cupcakes are in the saddle and fuck mankind raw. RAW!"

You know what I just realized? Animal Man might not be about losing his wallet! One of his family members might die! Shit! I should probably read this now!

Remember how Rotworld ended? Swamp Thing and Buddy Baker were granted a do-over by the Parliament of Rot and sent back in time to fix their idiotic choices.

Really? Whatever it takes? I'm pretty sure you don't shout that in the face of fate, you morons! Next thing you know, you'll be frantically fucking each other in the eye sockets to save the world. Or maybe killing your loved ones. That's nearly as horrible a possibility.

Buddy Baker and Alec Holland are separated as they're sent back in time. They don't arrive back at the swamp before they dove into The Grey which would have been a really nice and easy place to stop this whole mess from falling apart, you stupid fucking Rot Parliament assholes. Instead they send him back with about one second to spare before Maxine is taken by the Hunters Three Two!

"Where is my fucking wallet, you sons of bitches?!"

Buddy Baker continues to fight the Hunters Two but can't seem to figure out how to put them down once and for all. He killed the third one somehow but I forget how. Maybe Maxine helped kill it. Or maybe she killed it since Socks seems to think she's the only one that can finish off the Hunters at this point. During the fight, William Arcane gets knocked into the barn by the Hunters and may or may not be dead. I guess it depends on how much Chlorophyll he sucked down.

While Animal Man is quickly approaching TKO territory (that's a sport's reference! It stands for Totally Knocked Out), Ellen is trying to keep Maxine from helping him. I guess she doesn't really love her husband. Maybe that's why he's having such a bad day. He just found out his wife doesn't need his gigantic donkey dick anymore. Or was it the size of a giraffe penis? Did anybody get back to me with the research on how big a giraffe's wiener is?

Oh come on, Ellen! It's not like this is Sophie's Choice! It's either the world or your little girl! I'm pretty sure I know who the world would pick!

Socks comes up with the plan to defeat The Hunters. Did you read what I just typed? Socks. The Cat. The cat comes up with the plan to save the world. It wasn't a fucking dog. A dog is a soldier, an infantry man that's only good for taking orders. A cat is a general! Sitting high above the battlefield on top of the bookshelf, planning and planning. Unless napping and licking its butthole look the same as planning. Hmm. Maybe letting the cat lead isn't the best idea.

The cat's plan, by the way, is for Maxine to heal the Hunters instead of killing them. I thought for sure the plan would be to play with them until you grew bored and wander off, leaving them half-maimed with guts spread across the kitchen floor.

I don't think you'd be able to fill out a super heroine costume yet, Maxine. Goddammit. Now I'm picturing a little girl doing the Boob and Butt Showcase!

Maxine manages to heal The Hunters, sloughing off the Rot encasing them and leaving them as two normal humans in stupid looking green costumes. I think somebody had better research what horrible institution those uniforms belong to so Buddy Baker can shut that shit down. One of them mentions the Ascension Chamber. Uh-oh. Isn't Black Orchid tied to something called Project Ascension? So much stuff to remember! So little brainspace left!

And then everybody lived happily ever after! Nothing bad ever happened to the Bakers ever again. Ever. At least if you only read the first seventeen pages which I'm suggesting you do. You can skip the 18th page where Rotten William Arcane comes back. And the 19th page where Cliff dies in Buddy's arms? That page can be torn out altogether. And now that that page is gone, the final page won't make any sense where everyone looks sad and ruined and Buddy still hasn't found his wallet. So you might as well forget about that page too.

Animal Man #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's about time Cliff died. Not that I wanted him to die, mind you! It's just that they've been foreshadowing that shit forever!

Dial H #10

I'm pretty sure I was fucked by this in a London Sex Dungeon back in 1993.

Last we saw Nelse, he had infiltrated the Nameless Canadian Black Ops Agency (unless it's only nameless because I've forgotten the name) as Glimpse. He found the Dial and because he's a spastic moron with more fat cells than brain cells, he decided he would try to steal it instead of just doing the reconnaissance like he was supposed to be doing. This brought him in conflict with the creature on the cover: The Bristol Bloodhound! It can't see Glimpse but it sure can smell him!

If this guy were in a Sex Dungeon, my guess is he'd pay to watch people masturbate while they poop.

The Human Centipede is the only person that can actually see The Glimpse due to his technologically fancy bug mask. He's manipulated Nelse and the Bristol Bloodhound into this confrontation so that he can observe how they react. So far, the Bristol Bloodhound seems to freeze up and follow Nelse's orders or at least be confused by them. Perhaps there's some kind of interference between the two Dials that confuses the beings inhabiting the heroes.

The Human Centipede shoots Nelson in the leg so that he can't escape. But while speaking with Manteau over their radio connection, he screams, "Help me!" The Bristol Bloodhound sees it as a command and picks up Glimpse to drag him out of danger. Perhaps some dials are simply subservient to other dials?

Come to think of it, I think I went by the name "Glimpse" back in my London Sex Dungeon days!

Nelson manages to get Bristol Bloodhound to take him to the rendezvous point where he meets up with Roxie. They're now one hostage and one dial richer than they were before! Perhaps I was wrong to jump all over Nelson for his premature escalation of their dial appropriation plans. But as they try to figure out why this guy and his dial acted so strangely, the hostage gives them the pertinent information needed to solve the mystery.

This is going to make Roxie and Nelson's relationship a bit awkward.

Does this mean there will be all sorts of Dials? Dial G for Goon? Dial T for Thug? Dial P for Pimp? Dial S for Slut?

Not only are there more than one type of Dial, the Dials can actually do more than change a person's shape. From some scattered notes of Eddison's encounter with the mysterious "O", The Human Centipede's Black Ops team realized the Dials are also capable of transportation when they're functioning correctly. The Human Centipede wants to get in contact with the Exchange, the people or the society that exiled "O" (or "O" escaped from with stolen technology?). He needs their help to hunt down Roxie and Nelson. And to find the Exchange, he's enlisted the help of the French leader of the Cult of the Dial that Roxie and Nelson fooled with their Super Wood Louse Dial Angel act a few issues ago.

Meanwhile Roxie and Nelson decide to try out the Hero and Sidekick Dials with Nelson volunteering to be Robin.

This way works. But I imagine it will be a disaster if Nelson has to lead Roxie.

And then it ends with me feeling really awkward about Batman & Robin, Captain America & Bucky, and Green Arrow & Speedy.

Roxie must be The Mistress.

Dial H #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was only a matter of time before these two dialed F-U-C-K.

Green Arrow #18

Why is this guy named after an island? Does he have super island powers?

This cover makes me laugh because Seattle is just fucking lazy. Over on the East Coast, Gotham is spilling out crazies left and right. Metropolis is churning out super villains in gigantic super-villain sausage links. Central City has a club of goofy looking misfits that keeps growing (and monkeys!). And way over here on the West Coast, Seattle has a jerk with a bow. But that's just enough evil power to match their hero: another jerk with a bow. At least the city doesn't take much damage when they battle. A few broken windows. A few dented cars. If Portland gets into the super hero business, our big villain will probably be a slap tagger, stickering the hell out of street signs and mail boxes. Of course if that's the case, we already have a huge problem with super villains!

Oliver Queen is still dying in that desert in Arizona. He almost succumbs to fatigue when a stupid memory with his stupid dad about stupidly not giving up saves his life. Goddammit, you dumb memory! Couldn't you have kept to yourself for another fifteen years? You had to go and ruin the best moment of The New 52 so far!

Three weeks earlier, some guy named Magus played the part of the stupid memory, saving Green Arrow just before Komodo put an arrow in his head. I wonder if that would have been ruled a suicide? Magus left a note for Green Arrow to head out to Black Mesa, Arizona, and to go by way of Emerson's bookshelf. But first he needs to call Steve Trevor (on a pay phone! Oh, Seattle! Do you keep them around for the irony factor?) and check in with the Justice League of America since that's now a thing he's into. He convinces Steve Trevor that he's not dead like he was at the end of Justice League of America #1 (what jerk saves him there?! So many chances to rid the DCnU of this guy in the last month and he's still alive!) and that he didn't shove Emerson out of a window. Trevor calms down and tells him he'll hold off sending the Justice League to help him out of this mess.

Way to emasculate him with the "big guns" comment, Steve. Even though the only member of your new team to carry a gun is your Green Lantern!

Meanwhile Komodo is busy with a meeting of uptight business men as they purchase up majority shares of Queen Industries in the wake of Oliver Queen supposedly murdering his business partner Emerson. Didn't we already read this story but in a more entertainingly badly written way? Big fucking deal! Queen has lost his business. Again! I think the most important part of this scene is when Komodo's daughter Emiko comes in and asks:

Aww! They're so cute and bloodthirsty at that age!

Before Ollie can get to Emerson's bookshelf, he makes a stop to recruit some guy named Henry Fyff that he had to fire from Queen Industries three years ago for being super smart. But now he needs him to stalk Naomi. Unless it was the other way around. I've had a migraine for about 24 hours now and I just can't concentrate anymore. Actually, the migraine finally went away with a few more hours of sleep on top of a lot more hours of sleep. But now I've got a sinus headache on the other side of my head! But at least that's manageable. It's pretty telling how awful a migraine can be when a sinus headache is good fucking news. I used to get migraines fairly regularly until about eight years ago when I took a part time, overnight job and was able to begin sleeping on my own terms and not those dictated by a forty hour job that insisted I be at work by nine in the morning. Now I own the business that I began working part time for eight years ago mainly because it allows me to live by my body's schedule and not a fabricated one based on the society I was born into. In the last eight years, I've probably had less than a dozen migraines whereas before that, twelve was easily a low count for a year.

So now that Jax and Naomi may be dead, Ollie recruits Henry Fyff to be his Weapons and Communications Expert. He immediately tells this new kid that Oliver Queen is Green Arrow! He might as well. If things don't work out, he can always have Katana kill this guy. Henry Fyff is smart enough to realize the footage of Oliver Queen pushing Emerson out of the office building window was doctored, so he agrees to join up with Green Arrow. I guess Lemire didn't want to have to use a couple of crappy characters created by J.T. Krul. Especially Naomi since she was always blaming video games and masturbation and comic books and candy and pornography on violence. Geez. I think I'd be a serial killer if all those things led to violence.

Actually, Naomi and Jax aren't dead! At least not yet! Komodo has them bound inside his office building because he needs their help to find Green Arrow.

Oh that traitorous shrew! I guess I would buy some time by agreeing to help Komodo and his daughter, Hit Girl Emiko, too.

With the help of Fyff, Green Arrow manages to find a way back into Queen Industries and discovers a secret world behind Emerson's bookshelf. Ancient weapons, maps, and photos all revealing that Emerson and Ollie's father, Robert, had a life of adventure that he never knew about. One picture of them shows them on the beach of the island where Ollie was stranded for over a year. There's also a third man in the photo of that beach that Ollie doesn't recognize. It's Komodo.

And then Magus teleports in to tell Green Arrow to get to Black Mesa or he's going to die at Komodo's hands. As opposed to dying of thirst in the desert of Black Mesa which is more preferable somehow.

Ooh! Ooh! I've heard of The Outsiders! Me! Me! They were like only my favorites ever as a kid! With Aparo's goofy looking people and Barr's jokey sense of humor! I need to reread those now that I'm done rereading Shade the Changing Man.

As Green Arrow is busy talking to The Magus, Komodo is busy telling the police that the vigilante that caused all kinds of extra paper work for you on Ocean Parade Day was busy rummaging through the Emerson crime scene. Green Arrow tries to get away sliding down the cable of his grapple arrow but Komodo shoots the line. The issue ends with Green Arrow falling to his death.

Green Arrow #18 Rating: No change. I kind of feel I should give Green Arrow a boost in the rankings since it's actually readable now. But the character has been tainted by all of the previous crap and I'm just not very interested in him now. Maybe that will change over time but when I find myself more concerned with Lemire nearly killing him because I know Ollie will survive rather than being filled with tension about how Ollie will get out of the predicament, I know my interest in Green Arrow (what little was ever there) has nearly vanished.

Earth 2 #10

I still hate Jay Garrick's outfit. But I do like Kendra's little blue vest that buttons on to her zip up jacket!

Issue Ten begins with the origin of Hawkgirl and Dr. Fate! No, wait. Premature exclamation. It begins two years ago with Kendra and Khalid being chased through an ancient Egyptian building. And then the next panel takes place fifty-nine minutes later after Kendra has had wings glued onto her back and Khalid is obsessing over his new helmet. Being that I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics (basically because they're like comic books (shut up, I know they're actually just phonemes. Stop ruining my lie!)), let me translate the walls Kendra and Khalid are running past in the first panel.

At the top of the pillar, we see Titty Twister the Rabbit God forcing the Egyptians into a really long queue and forcing them to do the Bunny Hop. This happens at the marriage of Du-Rahn-Te and Buht, The Goddess of Rifles Sticking Out of People's Heads. The next scene is distorted from gunfire but it looks like Du-Rahn-Te and Buht are consummating their marriage with a few slaves thrown in because having sex with multiple partners and crocodiles and cats was just an every day part of Ancient Egyptian Culture. After that, Osiris's detachable penis shoots up through the ground either four times or Osiris's penis was four-pronged. Next, Ka-We the God of Chickadees came into the room and pooped in a hat box. Then above Kendra's elbow in the yellow oval, we can see a pair of pliers next to a Yu-gi-oh deck. Beneath those is a member of the Ku Klux Klan with his pet Loch Ness Monster being reprimanded by a nun standing on an electrified floor. Beneath that and the orange line is the first sentence of a story about the New God Orion and the time he telephoned a duck. Finally on the far wall to the right of Khalid we see a bong and the red sun as it appears at 4:20. Beneath that is Bullet Bill flying over the duck with his telephone and then the pliers and Mjolnir. These might be in some reference to a hallucination caused by the smoking of the bong because beneath that are a couple of anti-drug posters. Before the anti-drug posters, though, is a short commercial with a grandfather and his grandson in a boat discussing prejudice. Then the first anti-drug poster is the "This is your brain on drugs" egg. The second anti-drug message after that is an Above the Influence poster. And that's about it.

Judging by the winged figures, I guess this is the Temple of Horus where Kendra met Horus and was granted his powers. Perhaps the great Egyptian wizard Nabu was Horus's cat and so was buried further in the temple with his favorite helmet.

Back in the present, Wotan gives a short lecture about magic and how the grand wizard Nabu used it to bring order from chaos. So that's a nice little throwback to Dr. Fate's connection to the Lords of Order and Chaos. Jay Garrick doesn't really care about all of this bullshit. He just wants Wotan to send his mom home but Wotan is a bit of a didactic prick and a control freak, so he refuses. This causes Flash to attack but apparently casting spells is quicker than The Flash. Although I suspect The Flash could have gotten the drop on him if he just ran at Wotan instead of slowing down enough to spout off about Wotan "going down!"

Wotan specializes in JRPG spells.

When Khalid first put on the Helmet of Nabu, he was possessed by Nabu's spirit. Part of Nabu's magic secreted itself inside Khalid whether he had the helmet on or not. So Khalid was constantly hearing Nabu's voice. Khalid panicked and wished the Helmet away. Now it's in this limbo in The Tower of Fate and only he and Jay Garrick have the physical make-up to enter the tower and retrieve the helmet. Jay's mom is simply incentive for them to do the task since Wotan has no qualms about killing her. I guess it's time for 1st Level Magic User Khalid and 5th Level Speedster Jay to set off for high adventure in Module E-2, The Tower of Fate!

I think the yellow spheres are checkpoints.

Meanwhile Alan Scott is hanging out in China visiting the grave of his dead boyfriend Sam. Sam's father has met him there and has some mostly selfish and ambiguous words to say to Alan.

Oh fuck you, you oh-so-magnanimous bigot! This kind of thing pisses me off. He could tell Alan made his son happy but he couldn't fucking approve of their relationship? It's not your fucking life! Just because you don't find men sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to judge your son for doing so. It wasn't your life, asshole. Are we supposed to stand up and cheer for your words to Alan Scott here? Are we supposed to hug you and say, "Well, that's all that matters then! That you saw that they were happy! Forget how much Sam's heart probably hurt like hell every time you sneered or dropped an off-hand negative remark!" Fuck bigots and their tiny concessions.

Mr. Zhao does happen to pass on a bit of information to Alan that might prove useful. He discovered Sam was the target of the bombing but he doesn't know who was behind it or why. That information sends Green Lantern on a complete rampage through China's ganglands. When he doesn't discover anything, he heads back to find Hawkgirl and ask her for her help. Do I smell some JSA cooking?

And back to The Tower of Fate, Khalid and The Flash pass through all the checkpoints unmolested and finally make it to the big Boss Battle.

I hope they brought their cheat codes.

Earth 2 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this issue is how the cover shows Hawkgirl with The Flash and Khalid because Jay's mom isn't cover material.

Stormwatch #18

Apparently the Earth just isn't threatened enough because these kids have too much free time on their hands.

At this point you just have to ask: "Is Stormwatch really needed?" When was the last time they saved the world from something other than themselves? It may have been when The Engineer ate the Neanderthal Devolver and that was back in Issue Eleven. They may or may not have saved the world from Etrigan since then but that still falls into the category of fighting with themselves. I can't blame Stormwatch for all of the in-fighting. They're not the kind of team that stops burglaries or serial killers. They merely have to sit around and wait for an incipient extinction level event. When one of those isn't incipient, they just bicker out of sheer boredom. Technically I suppose you can blame this battle with the Engineer on the Hidden People (the Neanderthals!) since she is going nuts from having rammed their devolver up her ass. But I bet the devolver is like that lie that hypnotists tell all the time about how you'd never do anything under hypnotism that you wouldn't do while not hypnotized. Such a lie! What the fuck do you think Nationalism and Propaganda are for?! It's to hypnotize people to act in ways they wouldn't normally act otherwise!

By the way, Stormwatch is apparently recruiting. And rebooting.

Isn't Brother Eye going to be a bit pissed about this? Or is he too busy making plans with Batman to return the Flashpoint Universe back to the old universe. You know Batman has got to be a little bit upset that Detective Comics has been renumbered. And if anybody can return the DC Universe it's the Goddamned Batman and the not-quite-as-Goddamned Brother Eye. Or Ambush Bug. I'm pretty certain Ambush Bug could get it done. And probably Mr. Mxyzptlk. Maybe Bat-mite although Bat-mite has yet to appear in The New 52. But if he exists in any comic book reality, he also exists in The New 52 being what he is. So, yeah, Bat-mite could fix this shit.

So The Engineer dumps OMAC on Apollo, Midnighter, and Zealot in a story called "The Scream." I thought OMAC stories were supposed to be palindromes? I mean that other thing! Whatever the word "radar" is. Okay. Bad example. Whatever you call words like "scuba" and "sonar"! Except the reverse because the title is the words that make the acronym and not the acronym! Oh! Acronym! Good job, brain. So instead of "The Scream", this story should be called "OMAC Makes A Cake." Perhaps Peter Milligan is twisting the convention Giffen and DiDio were using and "The Scream" is an acronym itself! THe Engineer: She Could Really Emasculate Apollo and Midnighter.

In my dream world, that last paragraph would have been one long palindrome. I think this is the only palindrome I've ever come up with because I either haven't ever tried very hard or I just suck at them: "So, got Togo's?"

Before OMAC drops on everyone's head the way OMAC loves to do, Apollo begins to feel a little jealousy towards Zealot.

They're not helping.

Apollo is jealous not because Midnighter and Zealot seem to have a close, past relationship but because Apollo suddenly thinks Midnighter is into pussy. I guess it isn't a crazy assumption. Apollo and Midnighter haven't even had sex yet and Midnighter is a sociopath. It isn't totally out of the realm of possibility that Midnighter was just leading him on and fucking with him by pretending to want to fuck him but then not fucking him. But look on the bright side, Apollo! There's always OMAC! I know Kevin Kho is heterosexual but that doesn't mean the monster he turns into has to be. Look at Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk!

The Engineer uses OMAC's voice to tell the boys she wants to negotiate. So Apollo blasts OMAC in the face and yells, "Negotiate this, Engineer!" Not exactly Armistead Maupin.

Sure, Apollo, that's probably a better choice of author if you want your readers to understand your references.

OMAC blasts them through a teleporter door Engineer opened so that The Engineer can bring them aboard The Eye of the Storm so that they can defeat her. She really is arrogant, isn't she?

Or maybe not! Perhaps she's smarter than I thought because Apollo and Midnighter and Zealot and OMAC and Zealot's cool space chopper end up in some kind of Teleport Limbo where things really get serious. Like super serious. And highly dramatic!

I already pointed out why this is a fair question!

The Engineer's big floating Oz head appears to offer the boys a deal: choose to let The Engineer alter their brains so she has control over them or die. Okay, I've returned to the opinion that she is indeed arrogant. And possibly stupid. She may think she's hyper-evolved but I'm pretty sure she's hypo-evolved. I don't know if that makes sense in the context of words and what they mean but I'm going to just leave it there anyway.

Surprisingly, Midnighter and Apollo choose to die. That was an example of incorrectly using the word "surprisingly." But before the dying happens, the fighting and the arguing about who is and who isn't gay takes place!

Meanwhile, lobotomized Harry Tanner has been left to his own devices since The Engineer thinks he's completely under her control now. And while he is to the extent that he can't bring himself to stab her in the back, he's free enough to bring Jenny Quantum around so that she can save the day. He knocks some stray quarks into her brain and she wakes up screaming. Oh! The Scream from the title!

Jenny's scream blows up The Eye of the Storm and sends everybody plummeting back to Earth. Or maybe they were just blasted through the still open teleport door since they end up in the same alley where they were abducted. But this time they've got company in the corpse of The Engineer.

I'm sure The Engineer will eventually pull herself together.

I like this version of Zealot a trajillion times better than Liefeld's version. Although that would mean I don't like her at all since when you multiply by zero, you still get zero. So I like this version of Zealot a trajillion additional likes more than the amount of likes I had for Liefeld's version. I'm sure that's not surprising to anybody that's a fan of story telling and literature though. Liefeld doesn't write characters. He puts speech bubbles on mouths on the faces of interchangeable people in different costumes.

Speaking of Liefeld, people seem to defend him by pointing out that the haters all hate him for the same reasons and are just jumping on the "hate Liefeld" bandwagon as if there were no merit to hating his writing and art. But in my commentaries on his work, I've pointed out again and again, panel by panel, his faults and failings. But I've never seen anybody go through his work and point out what is good about it (Level of Difficulty: no blanket statements about his level of energy in his drawings. Especially when everybody looks like a fucking Barbie or Ken inaction doll). Somebody accept this fucking challenge and actually defend one piece of Liefeld's work, page by page, story and art. I claim it cannot be done without severely crippling a person's honesty and integrity! Hell, even I praised him once for one of his themes in Hawk and Dove when he took over the writing although I'm beginning to think I read too much into it and it was simply a happy accident.

"Maybe" this is just the beginning? Just go fuck already!

Stormwatch #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed getting to know another Wildstorm character written by a competent writer. And since this chapter of the story was framed around Apollo and Midnighter, it was nice to see them finally just get down to kissing. But since it was about Midnighter and Apollo, we're left to wonder what happened to Jenny Quantum and if Jack Hawksmoor is dying in the jungle or he happened to stumble upon the ruins of an ancient civilization with enough juice to keep him alive. The Projectionist and Harry Tanner I don't really care much about. And obviously The Engineer's nanos are already getting to work on bringing her back online.

"The End" bit made me nervous and sad so I looked up Stormwatch #19 to find that Peter Milligan's name has been replaced by Jim Starlin. Is Milligan just leaving DC? He's off Red Lanterns soon too, isn't he? Sad face.