Detective Comics #20

At least he wasn't unleashed.

Ignatius Ogilvy has got an inferiority complex. Why does he hate himself so much? There's no other explanation! Why would you go from a pretty cushy life being The Penguin's right-hand man to being the top dog crimelord in Gotham if you didn't want to be beaten to a pulp? Wouldn't it have been easier to simply take a shit on Damian's grave? It would have put him in the exact same place he's in now! And that place is at the head of the queue with the sign, "Ass Kickings by Batman."

See? What happened to the Ogilvy that wanted to survive?!

I suppose, judging by the cover, Emperor Penguin has a plan and it involves Eclipso and undoing some chains and then redoing those chains around Batman's neck! But Batman has a plan as well! I don't know what it is because I'm not as smart as Batman but I bet involves a boot and a face!

Batman gets the message and storms Oswald Cobblepot's mansion later that night. Emperor Penguin seems to be more Emperor Cuckoo, in more ways than one if you get my meaning! I hope part of that meaning is sexual! I wonder if there is a sex act called "Playing Cuckoo"? I'm pretty sure it involves putting one thing into another thing where it doesn't belong but I don't know the specifics. Who's the nest? What's the egg? How many baby birds die?

I underestimated all of that crap too! I just thought he was another sycophantic toady!

I have to scan the picture immediately after Batman calls Ogilvy out as well because it's one of those super exciting double splash pages that Tony S. Daniel apparently made an essential part of Detective Comics.

Batman's Narration Box: "As it turned out, I underestimated a lot of things." Like Alfred's ability to keep Damian from leaving the Batcave?

Earlier in the day, the trespassing and weapons charges The Penguin was charged with were dismissed in court by a judge that had been threatened earlier by Mr. Combustible. It seems kind of silly threatening a judge for such minor charges. Batman surely must have known that trespassing and weapons charges wouldn't stick. I think Batman was just pissed off and trying to inconvenience The Penguin for his part in Death of the Family. Even if Penguin had been found guilty, I can't imagine he would have done any jail time. Unless the weapon charges were for the nuclear missiles he was trying to sell to gang lords in Africa.

Also earlier that day, Alfred was hanging around the courthouse watching the penguins.

See? Batman knew the charges sucked. He was just being a complete bastard! And wasting taxpayer money on this nonsense!

Back to the ass kicking, Batman is trying to figure out what Ogilvy took to become as strong and dextrous as he is now. It seems to me he simply injected some Black Diamond dust into him. But Batman figures Ogilvy has some barklike skin (from Poison Ivy, the editor tells me) and he's probably taken some variation of Bane's Venom along with the Man-bat Goo. The important part is that whatever Ogilvy took, it's made him strong and quick enough to beat The Goddamned Batman.

Why do villains always walk away from a hero while the hero is still breathing? Ogilvy, you're just not smart enough for Gotham.

The Penguin shows up to save Batman (and call him "an enormous oaf" to boot!) because The Penguin wants his shit back. And what better way to win a fight than by having Batman on your side? And Batman has to know that The Penguin is as legitimate a business man as Gotham is going to get. So better to have The Penguin than Emperor Penguin instilled as Crime Lord.

Batman heads into the house to show Ogilvy that you can't win against The Batman when The Batman decides to not pull his punches. Earlier, he couldn't go all out because The Batman could easily kill a normal man with a misplaced Acidrang or a well placed fist to the bridge of the nose. And those are things he uses on Ogilvy now because Ogilvy is a huge, mutated monstrosity and I think Batman is allowed to kill those things.

Emperor Penguin is beaten but he thinks he won because now people will always remember how Emperor Penguin took over Gotham and, even if only for a second, beat The Batman. But I won't! All I'm going to remember is what a stupid fucking derivative name he took and how he didn't follow his own advice to not be too smart in Gotham! What a dumb jerk! He could have been great but he overstepped his place! And just to make sure he stays down, The Penguin has a message for him.

Unfortunately is right.

I bet the back-up story is going to be about Ogilvy stealing some Black Diamond Extract from STAR Labs. Although I hope it's something completely different.

But before the back-up story, there's an epilogue where The Penguin allows the children's center to be named after Martha Wayne instead of his own mother (or Ogilvy's! Didn't Ogilvy change that as well?). Cobblepot is tired of being a public figure and is ready to go back to the simple life of gangstering and grafting.

And finally, some six armed woman has appeared in Gotham to kill people. And she apparently knows Bruce Wayne. Maybe it's Charlotte the Reporter returned with super powers? Or maybe it's just one of Bruce's old high school classmates. Although her thought, "You've done well for yourself, Bruce Wayne,"  hardly makes any sense since Bruce Wayne was born with a silver spoon factory in his mouth.

The back-up story is about Ogilvy in Blackgate although the story begins much the same way Bruce's story began: with parents shot dead outside of a local theater. In Blackgate, a creature named "The Boss" invites him to his cell for tea and buttered scones. He also asks Ogilvy some questions and one of them is the same question I'd like to ask! Why the hell did he go for it all when he once suggested the only way to survive in Gotham was to not be too smart!?

Of course! It always comes back to daddy issues!

Ogilvy ends up killing The Boss because Ogilvy wants to own the boat! Even if the boat is a stinking shithole of a prison. Word spreads fast across the cell block that Ogilvy killed The Boss. Somebody calls him "Emperor Penguin" and he corrects them with his new name: Emperor Blackgate!

Oh Ogilvy, you stupid doucheparty. That's even dumber than Emperor Penguin!

Detective Comics #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. So ends the saga of Emperor Penguin. Such a speedy rise to fame and power could only last but a fleeting moment. But at least he can now rule Blackgate! I guess if he ever goes crazy, he's going to become Emperor Arkham.

Detective Comics #18

Let the month of sadness begin!

I wonder if these Requiem titles are all going to try to out sadden all of the other Requiem titles. Do you think there's a pool in the DC Offices trying to guess who can make the most nerds cry? Even though Artya, one of my readers, already told me he wept like fifteen toddlers watching a puppy drown when he read Batman and Robin, Batman and Robin would have been my guess as to the most emotional of the batch. I'm sure Scott Snyder's Batman will be pretty good too. But Tomasi has just been knocking the feels out of the park over in Batman and Robin. I wonder if I should get drunk to help deaden the pain while I read it?

I'm actually not too worried about being sad while reading Detective Comics. I don't know much about John Layman and he's fairly new to the Detective Comics scene. And the only way my miniscule brain knows how to interpret that is: "John Layman sucks at writing emotion." As you can see, I'd make a really horrible detective.

But you know what? Forget about that loser Robin! Detective Comics doesn't have time for all of that sentimental claptrap! It's time for a fucking face-off between Oswald Cobblepot and Ignatius Ogilvy! Penguin Death Match!

Batman is busy cleaning up Arkham after The Joker's madcap party filled with hilarious anecdotes and raucous laughter. So this story must take place before Robin took twenty too many bullets to the chest. Maybe. Batman Incorporated seems to take place in a "Grant Morrison" space. That means you can wedge it in anywhere in the timeline it seems to fit because no editor is going to tell Grant Morrison to change something he's written. And don't even get me started on trying to figure out when a Scott Lobdell story falls into the timeline! Being that Batman is constantly everywhere, it's just not an issue. I think readers have learned to look askance at the minutiae of Batman's timeline.

While cleaning up Arkham, Batman has to figure out what to do with The Penguin since he was hardly there of his own free will.

That Penguin has some gall! Although he does have a fucking point. He is not one of these loony birds.

Batman has to let The Penguin go because, after all, he's just a little fuck that mostly just hides in his Casino. If Batman wants him, he knows where to get him. The real problem is the prisoner that they notice is missing after all of this: Victor Zsasz. And Batman has no idea where to find that maniac.

And then the scene changes to a cemetery, so it turns out I was wrong about the timeline. Robin is currently on the wrong side of the worm eating.

How does the funeral work? Different dates to bury Robin and Damian? Nobody in Gotham is putting two and two together here? "Holy shit! Batman's sidekick and Bruce Wayne's son both dead! What a coinky-dink!"

So Batman is sad and Alfred can't help because there isn't enough tea in the world to help Batman's broken heart. Although there are many, many types of tea that can probably help Batman forget about it, at least for awhile.

Since Zsasz has escaped, Batman doesn't have time to pick on the Penguin and make his life hell. But that's okay, Batman, because Ogilvy is doing it for you. The Emperor Penguin has taken over all of The Penguin's assets. The Penguin's credit cards have been canceled, his house is under armed guard, and his cell phone service has been killed. So The Penguin is forced to participate in the most unbelievable panel so far in The New 52.

A working phone booth in Gotham City? Please.

The Penguin grabs his secret cache of umbrella guns and heads off to the casino to murder himself an Emperor Penguin. But apparently Batman is really pissed off at the Penguin because when he hears some people have been murdered in a Zsaszy way, Batman heads off to bust the penguin for trespassing and vandalism at the zoo.

Nice work, Batman! Personal vendetta complete! Now maybe you can capture Zsasz before he kills some people that won't help with one of your own personal agendas!

Batman's really being a dick to The Penguin. Sure, The Penguin is a mob boss that should be in prison. But fuck, Bats! He didn't kill Damian! You should at least go take out some anger on Zsasz. Now that guy deserves a good beating. Although if you were to hang about the Casino, you might run into him seeing as how he was being paid by Emperor Penguin to kill Penguin's lawyers.

So Emperor Penguin Ogilvy has done it. He's taken over the role of The Penguin and The Penguin is off to spend some time in Blackgate. Perfect! I never really liked The Penguin anyway and Ogilvy has become one of my favorite not-too-smart Gotham residents! And even though I keep thinking he's getting too smart for his own good which, according to Ogilvy, is always the downfall of thugs in Gotham, I guess going after the Penguin was actually a pretty stupid move. Which is why he pulled it off! If it were a smart move, he would have failed! Or something. You know. According to Ogilvy's philosophy. But now Ogilvy is really getting stupid because he thinks the only person he needs to take down now is Batman! And he's going to use Langstrom's Man-bat Serum to do it! Oh Ogilvy. The only good way to deal with Batman is to stay off his fucking radar. It was nice knowing you!

Right. How many times am I going to say that to Ogilvy? This guy has pulled off some seriously ridiculous crap so far. And with a stupidly derivative name, too! I like this chump!

The back-up story is about Ogilvy hiring Zsasz to hurt The Penguin. Zsasz has a bit of a beef against The Penguin since it was at The Penguin's casino where Zsasz lost everything. I should pull out my Shadow of the Bat #1-4 and reread Zsasz's Preboot origin. Unless that wasn't his origin. I believe it was his first appearance though. Anyway, not much to say about it. Zsasz is on the loose. To be continued.

Detective Comics #18 Rating: No change. I don't think my mind was entirely on this comic while reading it. I walked away about three or four times to do other things. So it might have been better than I thought it was. Or not. It didn't have much sadness in it, that's for sure.

Detective Comics #17

Batman versus a baker, faker, and balloon animal maker? This shouldn't last long.

On this special day (You know what day! Valentine's Day! Or as my friend Doom Bunny mysteriously likes to call it: Hal Mark Day! Who is Hal Mark? I wonder if it's Doom Bunny's long lost romantic love interest! I bet he was an elderly neighbor Doom Bunny had while growing up. He probably brought Doom Bunny chocolate hearts filled with rum! And then he'd drag Doom Bunny's tiny, unconscious ass into his garage for a romantic encounter that may or may not have been against the law and not actually very romantic at all! Unless you were Hal Mark and then it was probably really romantic! Everybody has their own ideas about what is romantic, right? So far today I had a super duper romantic Valentine's Day! I woke up and had sex and a cookie! It doesn't get much better than that!), I forget where this sentence was going because that parenthetical reference took too long. Anyway, it's Valentine's Day and Batman has a really romantic story in store for everyone! Yay Batman!

The story begins in a beautiful pink and red mansion with a lovely garden of roses surrounding it. That day, that very special day of special days, the air was filled with the scent of freshly cut grass and the twisted screams of the insane patients inside. One doctor on duty was oblivious to the romance in the air because he had yet to learn the truth about love. Not real love which is mostly boring but Disney love where two people are made for each other and if one of them dies, the other person might as well die as well since the only person they could ever truly love is gone and what else is left except growing old and alone with cats? This doctor didn't know any of this because his heart had withered while his brain had flourished. And everybody knows that thinkers and smart people are unfeeling and cynical jerks full of cold and rational logic. Only people who let their hearts rule them could know true love and murderous passion.

I think someone's heart is going to grow a half dozen sizes some day!

But that day was a long time ago and now this next day I'm going to write about is not so long ago as to not be relevant to our interests but not so close to today that you would think it was happening right now as you read this and mistake the main character for somebody who could sue me for stealing their story. But it was still Valentine's Day or else this story couldn't be about love and redemption and doing it to people.

This cold and logical doctor pretended to be killed by his crazy patients so that he could become one of those crazy patients because this doctor figured out why people in Gotham went crazy and began acting like The Joker! It was because they were all in love with Batman! Dr. Byron Lovemonkey wanted to feel love too! He was tired of always being the nerd who knew everything without having to pull out his phone to Google it like all the other brain-dead assholes in the room. He wanted to love Batman as well! But he also wanted to hate being smart so he pretended to die in a fake Joker related fire!

See? He's dead! He isn't the Merrymaker at all!

And since that happened yesterday (in terms of the story and not really yesterday!), today (remember! Not really today but a different Valentine's Day!) the Merrymaker is sending his League of Smiles out to invite Batman to his special Valentine's Day party which will end in Merrymaker kissing Batman right on the mouth!

But Batman doesn't know a romantic evening is in his future! So he's out fighting a guy who must be known as Everyfreak.

I think this thing loves Batman too!

Batman meets and defeats Everyfreak while prowling about Dr. Lovemonkey's psychiatric offices. He finds a hard drive off Byron's computer and takes it back to the Batcave hoping to find evidence to the leader of The League of Smiles. After wading through dozens of files that scream motivation for faking one's own death and describing patients like Everyfreak as "too willful" and "too difficult to control", Batman decides he can't find any evidence as to the identity of The Merrymaker. I'm beginning to suspect that Batman is the World's Worst Detective.

Batman did, however, find files on the other three lunatic members of the League of Smiles!

Oh look! One of them is an insane dentist! Probably could pull out someone's teeth to shove on a corpse for a good death faking!

As Batman obstinately refused to acknowledge Dr. Lovemonkey's flirtatious advances (you know, the clues!), The Merrymaker and the League of Smiles are busy killing mob members. These are just more love notes to Batman! They're Valentine's Day gifts! You're always supposed to get people things that they can't get themselves, so giving Batman murdered bad guys is perfect! Except Batman figures out that this was perpetrated by someone else which means they were killed by Emperor Penguin. How come Batman figures this out immediately but he doesn't know The Merrymaker is actually Dr. Byron Lovemonkey?

Finally! Sheesh!

Now Batman's detective work kicks in because he also suddenly knows where the League of Smiles will attack next! I haven't even figured that one out yet! He is amazing. I mean, he's amazing once he figures out who the bad guy actually is. Batman decides to surprise his Valentine's date by telling him he's not interested in front of his date's henchmen. That's pretty embarrassing.

"It was easy to see what you were up to. Trying to win my love and affection and butt sex."

So while Batman can't figure out Dr. Lovemonkey is The Merrymaker from some pretty obvious clues on the hard drive he searches through, he does put all the information from the hard drive together once he realizes Dr. Lovemonkey faked his own death. He allows The League of Smiles to beat The Merrymaker nearly to death simply so he can taser the whole batch of them. Batman is the biggest sadist of them all with the smallest heart! He doesn't learn anything about love on this day. He will remain sad and alone forever. Unless The Joker can teach him about love in Batman #17!

The back-up story shows Dr. Lovemonkey being evaluated by another insane psychiatrist and being sent to Arkham Asylum. Looks like the Merrymaker is going to truly go insane once "treated" at Arkham and become a regular member of the Bat Villain club.

Detective Comics #17 Rating: No change. It was a decent comic book with just the one flaw: Batman sucks at detective work until he doesn't and then he's a fucking psychic intuitive genius. I actually hope The Merrymaker becomes a staple of future Batman comics once he loses his fixation on people fixated on the Joker and just gets his own brand of crazy from being institutionalized at Arkham.

Detective Comics #16

Oh Batman! Huffing on an enemy's gaseous emissions again?

Last issue was the first Death of the Family crossover for Detective Comics and it was a gigantic lie by DC Comics. Now I'm not somebody trying to follow along with the crossover and I would have purchased the comic book anyway, but I feel badly for all of the readers that keep picking up these comics labeled "Death of the Family" and getting one or two panel tie-ins to the crossover. Here's last issue's Death of the Family moment for anybody lucky enough not to purchase the comic (although as a non-Death-of-the-Family story, it was pretty good!):

The Penguin: "Poison Ivy had better be dead Ogilvy!"
Ogilvy: "Trust me, she is! Would I lie to you? *wink wink*"
The Penguin: "I have to go to The Joker's party now. You think you can run things?"
Ogilvy: "Can The Emperor Penguin run things?!"
The Penguin: "What the fuck did you just call yourself?"
Ogilvy: "Oh, never mind. Um, yeah. Everything will be fine. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

Some of the comic book plots even seem to have been changed to accommodate the Death of the Family story. Batman and Robin's plot was about The Saturn Club and it took a left turn at the end just to make The Joker behind it all. And Catwoman had an entire issue that felt like it ended the same way by shoving The Joker in as the man behind it all. I guarantee that when The Death of the Family is collected, a number of these comics listed as being part of the crossover won't make it into the final trade. There's just no reason! And a lot of people following this crossover have been blatantly lied to a number of times by DC. Once again, DC showing how much they care.

I'm not even sure how this comic book is going to tie in to the crossover since Batman is currently on his way into Arkham to join The Joker for his party. That will continue this Wednesday when the next Batman comic book comes out. But this comic book is all about Batman as well and it's not written by Scott Snyder. So it won't be part of the linear story. So when does it take place?

Apparently it takes place somewhere in the middle of The Joker returning but before Batman keeps the other members of the Bat-family from killing The Joker. That's probably why it's called Death of the Family. They're all going to resent Batman for picking The Joker over them and then they'll all go off in their own comic books and pout and whine. Except for Nightwing. He'll be calm and understanding and overly logical. But he might have a bit of an emotional flare-up and end up sleeping with Tony Zucco's daughter, Sonia.

This issue begins with people in Gotham going extra crazy simply because The Joker is in town. Ogilvy is there calling himself "Emperor Penguin" so this story must take place as Batman leaves his Family at the Batcave and is on his way to Arkham.

On the way to his Surprise Party, Batman gets in a little investigating.

Batman heard about this League of Smiles from a calling card at one of the random joke crime scenes. Not that the crime scene was a joke. It was a crime told like a joke. What it really was was just another reason to move the fuck out of Gotham! It's not a Batman villain killing anybody at this point. Dozens of people obsessed with The Joker just begin killing strangers. Dentists drilling patients to death. Kids spilling gas and burning buildings. Bakers filling pies with bodies. Balloon Animal Makers instilling a childlike sense of wonder in people by his amazing and various balloon animals. And then killing them. The whole city is a bigger mess than it usually is. And it's been a pretty fucking big mess lately.

Just to show that I didn't make up the gang's occupations!

But due to his detective work, Batman has found a lead on the League of Smiles. Even though who cares about one clue at a crime scene referencing a League of Smiles when so many random crimes are being committed all over the city. Only Batman would believe that there's an easy way to stop the chaos. Just find the right guy and break his jaw! Problem solved!

In Gotham, burning your family to death is usually only the beginning of the dark road.

The kid has joined the League of Smiles but he's just not funny enough to cut it. He doesn't get the joke about the hostages that were meant to be killed in the youth center. Instead he fucks up the punchline and lets them all go. Apparently the kid never had a sense of humor in the first place. The fire that killed his family was an accident and when everybody thought he killed them on purpose, they abandoned him. He just wanted to fit in with someone so he joined up with the Joker people. Too bad he was so serious. He just didn't have the chops for comedy.

Now that's a funny punch line! Maybe he did have what it takes!

The kid tells Batman that some guy named The Merrymaker runs the League of Smiles and they're planning on killing a lot of people. So now Batman is going to have to stop The Merrymaker and still make it to The Joker's party on time! It's a good thing Batman can be in 18 places at once.

The back-up story is about Ogilvy the Emperor Penguin. He'd better get his back-up stories in while he can because when The Penguin survives The Joker's party, he's going to be pretty pissed at Ogilvy. He probably won't kill him though.

He'll just sue his ass for trademark infringement. Maybe The Joker will join him as a co-plaintiff.

In the chaos and confusion, Ogilvy gathers the leaders of various crime families in Gotham and does the impossible. He gets them to take the name "Emperor Penguin" seriously. He also tells them that he's taking over for Oswald who is probably dead and that they're going to do everything he says and blame it on The Joker.

Bah. These are all the small potato crime bosses. Wait until Emperor Penguin crosses with Scarface or Two-Face or Clayface or Faceface. Hey! Maybe that's why The Joker cut off his face! So he could be No Face! It was either that or take up a Wonderland persona.

Detective Comics #16 Rating: No change. I didn't really like the way the main story was told. But I do like that Layman has decided to create a new villain for Batman to face. I think he's new. I just hope he doesn't come off as a second string Joker. And there wasn't a hell of a lot to the final story but it was about Ogilvy and I'm enjoying watching Ogilvy's slow downfall after being seemingly just dumb enough to succeed in Gotham City. Now that he thinks he's a genius, he's fucked.