Turds of Prey #17

OF HER BOWELS!

I look at this comic book and I feel like a disappointed parent watching all of their hopes and dreams of the future flushed down the toilet by their selfish kid squandering all of her potential. This comic book could be so much more than panel after panel of characters performing actions that are not based on previous panels and project no causality onto future panels. The Birds search out a mastermind's hideout and suddenly find their minds wiped and they're out in an alley. Do they investigate and find out what happened? No. They just go about their business. Katana hacks Poison Ivy allegedly to death at the end of one comic and how do the Birds deal with the consequences? Nobody ever mentions it again. Ever. Black Canary watches Katana hack thugs to death with her sword as Starling puts bullets in people's chests one page, and the next page Black Canary is demanding that they don't kill. This comic book is like 95% of teenagers in their parents' eyes: a confusing mess. I wonder if the comic book looks at me as a stodgy old fart that can't get with the times, reliving his glory days while seeming to be a complete failure in the comic book's eyes. Boy, I'm sure glad I decided never to have comic books!

Last issue ended with Black Canary blowing up a power station with her Canary Cry. This happened because Kurt Lance has the power to magnify other people's powers and he's been hanging out in Gotham lately. So he must be close enough to screw with her powers. Although proximity might not matter with these two because I'm pretty sure Black Canary lost control in Japan as well when Kurt wasn't anywhere near her. This power station was also a Basilisk headquarters. I think. It might not matter since, as I explained earlier, this comic book has no sense of causality.

What is Catwoman doing robbing a jewelry store? According to Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, she doesn't steal that stuff anymore, having undergone "aversion therapy" to gems and jewelry due to her Eclipso Gem Heist.

Even though Black Canary's Sonic Scream can explode heads and destroy property, somehow Batgirl and Condor couldn't hear Black Canary's super out-of-control cry which destroyed the building. They go on assuming Basilisk set off their bomb. But Starling knows it was Canary's fault! And so does Strix who immediately attacks her. Fuck. I thought they got past this bullshit last issue. Now I just have to hope it's over quickly instead of wasting a quarter of the comic book.

The fight is over in only two pages but it allows for conflict between other members of the group which is the only way DC seems to utilize Super Hero teams.

DC Comic Book Fans: "You know what would be exciting? If the Justice League fought the Legion of Doom!"
DC Comics: "You know what you're going to get? Wonder Woman fighting Green Lantern!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "Well, after that's cleared up, maybe they can fight Despero!"
DC Comics: "Nope! After that, it's Superman and Wonder Woman versus the rest of the Justice League!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "What about Starro? That could be a big crossover event!"
DC Comics: "But wait! You haven't heard our plans for when everyone goes after Batman!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "I wonder what's going on in the Fantastic Four?"

Strix and Black Canary's little brawl gives them a chance to, once again, not talk about what happened with Poison Ivy.

Does not talking make Strix super wise and insightful?

Why are the Birds of Prey even a team? Starling mistrusts Black Canary and is constantly ragging on her about how Dinah possibly murdered her husband. Well, I guess Starling is on the team because she's in Amanda Waller's back pocket. But why is Batgirl with them? She and Black Canary have been arguing membership since the beginning. Black Canary hates killing but Starling uses guns. So why does Black Canary keep her around? Batgirl didn't want to join the team because crazy plant lady was one of them but she stuck around anyway. And now she's brought a known killer and loose cannon onto the team! And why the fuck is the Talon joining? Loneliness? I'd be more appreciative of a team that got along than one that's constantly bickering. And people wonder why the fuck I like Worlds' Finest so much! It's a fucking treat to see two heroes that love and respect each other and have a good fucking time just hanging out!

As the team bickers, the bad guys begin crawling out of the rubble.

Oh, so the bad guys can hear and recognize Canary's Sonic Scream but ever-vigilant, Batman-trained Batgirl is clueless? Fuck you, Duane.

Luckily the bad guys came prepared with the stupidest techno-gadgets this side of a Mr. Terrific comic book: HEARTSTOPPERS! They're floating balls that scan for human hearts. When they find one, they lock on to the person's chest and shock the shit out of them until they flatline and die. I don't know. This just sounds like someone in Basilisk R & D has a little too much free time on their hands. "What's the most ridiculous and convoluted contraption I can come up with to kill another human being? And the only way it wouldn't work is if one of our enemies did not have a beating heart! But oh ho ho! How likely is that to happen?! Amirite?!" But it just so happens they've deployed the Heartstoppers just when the Turds of Prey have recruited a member without a heart! Oh the humani-irony!

Black Canary's big plan is for everyone to take cover! But Batgirl asks, "Cover -koff koff-...sure... but where?"

Meanwhile behind cover, Starling is secretly speaking with Amanda Waller on her phone. There's a bunch of back and forth about Starling not having been hired to think but then Starling also being in debt to Waller so it sounds less like Waller hired Starling and more like Waller coerced and/or blackmailed Starling into being a gigantic traitor. When will the "big twist" pendulum swing back the other way and readers will begin to be surprised when a member of a super hero team ISN'T a traitor or spy?

While Condor keeps the Heartfuckers at bay with his telekinetic powers, a team of gun crazy government maniacs shows up to begin shooting at whatever the hell they want to shoot at. Luckily the person they shoot is Strix as she roundhouses a Heartstopper to death. Black Canary looks at the broken Heartraper and says, "Gee whiz, guys! This is Basilisk tech which means someone must be nearby and alive and controlling these things! Because, hee hee, I'm sure they aren't automated! Amirite? Tee hee!" Batgirl and Condor run off to find the guy with the remote, leaving Black Canary and Talon alone together. You know? As a test! To see if they can get along! Nobody seems to care where Starling is.

But the Talon decides she'd rather team up with a Heartstopper.

Batgirl and Condor take out the guy with the remote which kills the drones which means Black Canary will never know if Strix meant to do her harm or not! Who needs a team where the members actually trust each other? Fuck that. Where's the fun? So the mission wraps up with a bunch of captured Basilisk members and, probably, a bunch of dead ones in the rubble created by Canary's Cry. And just like a really good terrible comic book, it ends on the person with a drinking problem making a "joke" about drinking!

How many issues of starring in a really shitty comic constitutes "hitting rock bottom"?

Turds of Prey #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I pointed out everything that was wrong with this issue already. If I went on now, it'd just be to cruelly hurt Mr. Swierczynski's feelings. And I like to pretend that I don't engage in that sort of juvenile display.

Batwoman #17

Come on, Batwoman! It wouldn't have taken Batman 17 issues to save those stupid kids!

This cover looks like a Batwoman Triumphant kind of thing so maybe this is the final issue of a story that basically began in Issue One when La Llorona kidnapped some children. That's a really long story arc but I haven't been hearing people complain about how the story is dragging on. Perhaps that's because I haven't heard many people talking about this comic book. But it seems to be selling pretty well, so that's a very good thing and means I don't have to worry about one of the best comics in The New 52 being cancelled.

Last issue ended with the success of Medusa's plan to summon forth Ceto the Mother of all Monsters. This issue begins with a whole bunch of Gotham residents shitting their pants.

You've got to admire the guts in this lady. I'd say the plan of at least 85% of other DCnU heroes would be to call Batman.

The battle between Flamebird and The Hook ends pretty quickly now that she's installed flamethrowers on her wrists. I had to look her up in my 1990s Who's Who because I couldn't remember if she ever had super powers or not. Turns out she's just another Robinesque sidekick. She's an excellent acrobat and she uses gadgets in her crime fighting. And now she's decided to change her name as well.

Does this signify that she's not a sidekick anymore?

Hawkfire really shouldn't have done that. It's not the guy that's crazy and doing the killing! He's just a victim of the Hook! And now she's set the Hook free! Sure, it's at the bottom of Gotham Bay. But that won't stop it! It'll find somebody to attach to in a few years. In the meantime, the guy without a hand will end up in Arkham having to undergo psychotherapy for crimes he probably won't even be able to remember. But at least he'll remember the name Firehawk! Flamehawk? Hawkbird!

And then on the next page:

See?! Now that's a Bat-villain! CRABHOOK!

Last commentary, I mentioned how awful the monster on monster crime had become in Gotham. And now Abbot the Werewolf, as he backs up Batwoman against Medusa's horde of monsters, thinks basically the same thing. As he charges Medusa, he thinks, "Part of me feels I shouldn't be here. A werewolf, gutting other monsters." But he sticks by Batwoman's side to protect his Gotham from the chaos and destruction which Medusa brings. Too bad Werewolves aren't immune to Stone Gaze. Alas poor Abbot. I didn't know him. Was he a werewolf of limited humor? Um, yeah. Probably.

So this might be my favorite monster in the battle. Chicken Man. Is this a lesbian in-joke?

The last Urban Legend standing in their way before they get to Medusa is Bloody Mary. Which perhaps Medusa and her cohorts didn't think through very well. Since Mary is, you know, made of mirrors? Wonder Woman, Hawkflame, and Batwoman smash Mary into broken bits. Batwoman uses one of the shards to reflect Medusa's gaze back at her. And that's it. Medusa turns to stone and Batwoman smashes the newly formed statue. But they still have the Mother of all Monsters to deal with. Now is it time to call Batman?

Batman wishes!

Ceto explains how her monstrous form was the one her daughter, Medusa, wanted her to take. Ceto herself means no harm to anyone now that her daughter and her daughter's wishes are gone. She just wants people to stop thinking of monsters as monsters. Wait. How does that work?

Wonder Woman doesn't understand how it would work either and wants to kill Ceto. But Batwoman remembers the name of this issue is "Mercy" and stays Wonder Woman's hand.

Do I sense a Naked Sidekick in the works?

And that's very nearly that. Batwoman gathers up all of the children and takes them to Maggie Sawyer so Maggie can bring them in to the Gotham Police Department and finish this up right.

I think that's a damn fine ending for a 17 month story arc.

The last two pages are a tease for the next story line. Mr. Bones wakes Batwoman's sister Beth (Alice) from inside a steampunk medical sarcophagus. When speaking to Beth, Mr. Bones refers to Kate as "our sister" although I can't be sure if it's just a figure of speech or if The New 52 version of Mr. Bones actually knows his biological origin as opposed to just his surrogate daddy, Dr. Love.

Batwoman #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if I should read the Preboot Batwoman series before next month's storyline begins?! I'm pretty sure this was one of those comic books where not a lot has changed because of the Reboot. What is it with Gotham and its connection to Wonderland? Half of Batman's villains are Wonderland characters and Batwoman's nemesister has an Alice fixation! I guess it's simply because "they're all crazy here" in Gotham.

Legion of Super-heroes #17

Sometimes I think Giffen's art is stuck in this space where he's emulating aspects of Jack Kirby while parodying aspects of Rob Liefeld.

Legion of Super-heroes still has too many characters I'm not interested in and too many relationships I can't remember. I don't think anybody interested in Legion of Super-heroes reads my commentaries on them. I also don't think anybody not interested in Legion reads my commentaries on them! Legion of Super-heroes gets the least likes and the least responses of any other comic book of The New 52.

Why do I bother continuing to read it?! *sigh* Let's make this quick!

Phantom Girl has crashed on an alien planet and her translator is down, so some aliens show up speaking in a new Alien Font that I need to translate! This may be a tough one since the letters just look like smeared inkblots but I suppose I'm going to now waste more time translating it simply to find the aliens are saying things like, "This is an alien language!" and "Keith Giffen's mother chews used condoms!"

Judging by the last alien quote bubble that I thought I would begin with, I'm not sure this is anything but the entire alphabet of the font spaced out to look like words. It's hard to tell for sure since the letters are so crazy, but it looks like the last speech bubble has 27 letters and only one is repeated one time. So it seems to be a representation of the alphabet with one letter repeated. A few other bubbles have 32 letters, again with a single one repeating once. So numbers as well? Or punctuation. Anyway, that was a good five minutes wasted! Back to the story!

I believe Phantom Girl crashed on the Planet That Never Discovered Dental Hygiene! The putrid smell is probably because the planet's topsoil is composed of rotted teeth.

Phantom Girl survived the crash because she went intangible. Now she begins digging through the ship's rubble to see if any of the other Legion members survived.

What happens when Phantom Girl goes intangible while moving at high velocity? As her mass grows closer and closer to zero (assuming the transition takes some amount of time, even if a microscopic amount), wouldn't her velocity increase? Wouldn't she end up just shooting straight through the planet and into space? How can she stop when she encounters no friction?! When her mass does equal zero, does she just come to a dead stop since her momentum would now be zero? But doesn't that go against some law of thermodynamics? Fucking Tinya Wazoo. You make no Goddamned sense. I guess, once again, I simply just have to suspend my disbelief! Fucking comic books!

I like how such a simple power can be such a super headache when one tries to figure out how it would work according to universal laws. I'm sure I got a lot of shit wrong in my speculation, but you get the point. All she does is become intangible. But ultimately, she's DEFYING GOD'S WILL! And by God I simply mean Universal Law which is totally arbitrary as a rule set to this dimension.

Polar Boy survives by encasing himself in ice. Just as believable a survival method as losing all mass!

And what about Polar Boy's powers?! Isn't one of those laws of thermodynamics something about conservation of heat?! Where does the heat go when he freezes things? I believe he channels the heat through tiny wormholes where it mostly returns somewhere in deep space and dissipates. And occasionally the worm hole opens up in a character from Bleak House.

Where else can you go for Charles Dickens references and fart jokes? Yeah, yeah. The whole fucking rest of the internet, right?

Next Phantom Girl finds Invisible Kid. Good thing he survived or they'd never find his corpse. I wonder how he survived? With the power of invisibility? I think he was cocooned in ice as well. But the last Legion member they find didn't fare so well.

Yay! Maybe I can keep track of all the Legion Members now that they have one less! Let's see...infinity minus one is...DAMMIT!

Elsewhere on a planet that the narrator recognizes (Rimbor!), Ultra Boy, Chameleon Boy, and Glorith Girl are experiencing the same failure of technology that caused Phantom Girl's ship to crash. Perhaps when Phantom Girl's mass neared zero, her velocity neared infinity and she fucking broke the universe. Again. But they did notice one area on Rimbor still with power. Someone must have a gas powered generator made from Alternate Dimensional Technology and thus runs by a different set of Universal Laws!

I think I'm getting the hang of writing futuristic comic book stories!

Back on Somewhere, the little toothless aliens continue to yell the same few alien phrases at Polar Boy. They're probably screaming, "You just fucking crashed on an orphanage, you dicks!" Polar Boy ignores them and continues to walk around moping because Sun Boy is dead. Hey! Maybe that's where the heat went! Polar Boy and Sun Boy fuel each other! That would explain why Polar Boy is so depressed! How is he going to use his powers now? While he's out walking, he discovers a clue as to where they are!

Great! So now I have to believe in "organic rock"?

Back on Rimbor, Chameleon Boy finds evidence that Tharok of the Fatal Five is behind the Universal Power Outage. That's pretty fatal, all right! Ultra Boy, Chameleon Boy, and Glorith Girl are set upon by maintenance robots. But since they're just robots (never mind the advances in artificial intelligence that have made robots of this time self-aware. Probably!), Glorith can turn them into leaves with a spell.

Somebody had better warn Mon-El and his pervy fingers!

And then back on the Promethean Giant, this bit of awesome happens:

So that's what they've been saying this whole time: "Is it okay if we roast and eat your dead friend?"

Since this has been, by far, the best issue of Legion of Super-heroes so far, I hope it doesn't end up being one of Dream Girl's dreams. If all of this is really happening, I wonder if the readers killed Sun Boy? I bet Levitz and his editors (and maybe Giffen too) decided that whichever Legion member received the least votes in the election would be killed and eaten by aliens! Nice job, voters! I didn't vote so this is hardly my fault.

Polar Boy, offended, attacks the aliens and calls them "cannibals." Polar Boy. They're hardly cannibals! Eating Sun Boy is no different from you eating a member of the Legion of Super-cows. Before Polar Boy can throw a punch, the Promethean Giant begins to awaken! The horror!

The issue ends with the new and improved Tharok discussing a Fatal Five reunion with Persuader. But for the moment, they'll just sit back and see if the Legionnaires can make it out of the current predicaments Tharok has forced them into with his technological shenanigans. Also, Validus has just crashed on some planet's surface and he's ready to begin killing things.

Legion of Super-heroes #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. Best issue yet. I'll never dislike an issue of Legion of Super-heroes where their member count drops!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #17

It took seven artists and inkers to create this comic book. Does that mean it'll be a masterpiece or a trainwreck? Oh, never mind. I just remembered the one writer.

I wonder who at DC, besides Grant Morrison and Chris Burnham and their editors, knew that Damian Wayne was going to be killed in Batman Incorporated? I imagine a lot of people knew which is why I find it incredible that it took even the local comic book shops by surprise. Were the other writers of the Batfamily Books let in on the secret? Or does Grant Morrison not care what killing Damian is going to do to Peter J. Tomasi's job over on Batman and Robin? Will that comic now become Batman and Alfred? Or Batman and Titus and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred? I have to wonder if Scott Lobdell were told after reading the first scene in Red Hood and the Outlaws with Jason Todd and Damian Wayne.

Did Scott Lobdell just write a nice scene?

Even though this scene exemplifies all of the things Lobdell usually does to try to ruin his stories (heavy use of Narration Boxes, constant snarky attitudes), it works here because it's character driven. The Narration Boxes actually help move the scene forward in the way Thought Bubbles would have in the past. And Damian is a little prick who can't stand Jason Todd. Jason Todd's teasing here is more reminiscent of Nightwing, but that's a good thing. After what they just went through in Death of the Family, Jason Todd can view Damian Wayne as a younger sibling whom he cares for. The psychopath line comes out as a sweet bit of sibling teasing although Damian most likely doesn't feel that way. And knowing that what happened to Jason a few decades ago (in real time!) is about to happen to Damian makes this scene bittersweet. The only real problem with this scene is that I'm about to turn the page and no way Lobdell can keep from fucking it up!

Starfire and Speedy show up in the car Red Hood sent for them while Red Hood finishes saying goodbye to Damian. Speedy mouths off to Damian as he arrives, so you know that's going to end up in an ass kicking. And then Jason heads in to say goodbye to Nightwing and Kori says she'd rather wait outside. So close to seeing Kori and Dick together! I wonder if some other writer already has dibs on their first New 52 encounter. Since there was no previous version of Teen Titans, how did Dick and Kori first meet? How did they get involved? Why did they break-up? Why is Starfire now avoiding Dick (well, avoiding this particular dick, at least)? Why doesn't Dick come out and say something instead of just peeking at her through the window? I'm actually kind of glad none of those questions were answered here in this comic book. You know. For reasons.

Oh come on, Dick! What happened? Did she hurt your feelings by not understanding your Earth monogamy? You ask Todd not to judge you? Don't judge her!

Jason Todd leaves Nightwing feeling lonely and bitter and probably desperately wanting to have some ex-sex and heads back outside. He finds Speedy and Robin rolling around on the ground. It currently seems to be a stalemate because Damian has just had a really tough week. Plus this is the Red Hood and the Outlaws comic book, so I don't think Damian is allowed to embarrass Speedy in it.

Jason Todd masturbating his face. I guess this is going to be a series!

Next on Jason's list of goodbyes is Bruce because he's saving the best, Alfred, for last. Jason Todd thinks about how nobody wanted to speak with Batman immediately after the Joker was defeated but now, immediately after nobody wanted to speak with Bats, they're all speaking with Bats. Okay. Whatever. Here's almost a nice moment with Jason Todd and Bruce Wayne.

Why? Why can't you ever say it?!

What happened in Scott Lobdell's life that he can't have characters feel vulnerable? Why must they always push away with sassy retorts or silence? Is it just that Jason Todd is still too hurt by Batman do begin to heal their relationship? They seem to be doing okay in Batman Incorporated. It seems like they've moved past a lot of their issues and come to an understanding. So why can't Todd say thank you?

I am glad that Scott Lobdell basically allows Batman to say that the back-up story in Red Hood and the Outlaws #0 is bullshit. If Batman thinks it, it must be true.

Next Todd goes to say goodbye to Alfred who asks if "Master Todd" will be staying overnight.

Come on! It's Bruce Wayne that has trouble kidding. Alfred has the best sense of humor in the house!

Another nice moment by Lobdell if you ignore the fact that Alfred was probably close to death and the others were pretty banged up as well and everybody was supposed to be pouting about Batman lying to them. The best part of this though is Roy playing catch with Damian. Damian is a stubborn little brat that doesn't act like a kid or open up much. But who better for him to "play" with than the friend of what is ostensibly his older brother? Younger siblings always look up to the friends of their older siblings. There's no pretense or rivalry there. It's like a freebie brother without all the baggage.

As Jason Todd is leaving, he puts on his Red Hood which has been trapped by The Joker. He gets poisoned or zapped or who knows what exactly. When Batman takes the hood off, Jason's face is red and steaming green smoke. Joker rigged it with a message as well that said the trap would "start him with a clean slate." So did Jason Todd just lose his memories just as he was feeling good about leaving the Batfamily home on his own terms? I don't know because that's where the comic book ends.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic kind of treats Death of the Family as if it never happened. Nobody seems to be feeling any worse for the wear after all the shit that just went down. And the whole point of Death of the Family seemed to be everybody pulling away from Batman and beginning to not trust him quite as much. But after the end of Batman #17 where nobody wants to talk with Bats, now they've all suddenly changed their mind and are hanging out with him. Well, everybody except Batgirl. Maybe the whole point of Batman #17 was for Batman not to trust Batman? Maybe he's going to pull away from them? Well, he's probably going to pull away from all of them if Robin is really and for reals dead! So way to just invalidate the ending of Death of the Family, Lobdell!

Barring all of that! Ignoring that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense as an immediate follow-up to how things were left in Batman #17, this was a good issue! Go ahead and tell me I'm crazy or how wrong I am. But Lobdell did a good job here. Just remember that I'm grading on a curve! Compared to the other crap he's put out, this was New York Times Bestseller material.

Wonder Woman #17

Shouldn't I get a discount when Cliff Chiang doesn't do the interior art?

Last issue while Zola and Hera were visiting a bar in Manhattan, Zola ran into a God I hadn't been introduced to yet. Turns out it's Dionysus. So this bar is now stuffed full of demi-gods, gods, ex-gods, and a woman who once fucked a god and had its baby. This bar is really trying way too hard to be cool. Pretty soon they're joined by a New God, a superhero, and a man made of rock. Okay. That's it. This bar is over.

In the confusion of the gigantic BOOM of Orion's boom tube, Zola takes a knife to Ares because (thanks to Strife. I think) she believes he's planning on killing her baby.

But that doesn't work out so well for her.

Meanwhile the First Born and Cassandra get attacked by a Sea Serpent while flying in their helicopter. I should learn how to say that in sign language.

Back at the bar, War agrees to take Wonder Woman alone to Demeter's realm to find Zola's baby. Apparently only Olympians can travel to realms under the control of other Olympians without an evite.

Orion is not suffering from a lack of self-esteem.

I suppose all the Gods Wonder Woman is dealing with have various motives revolving, somewhat, around Zola's baby. Hera just wanted to kill Zola's baby out of jealousy. That led directly to her becoming mortal. Apollo simply wanted to sit on the throne of Olympus and, after hearing an oracle, he felt he needed to take Zola's baby out of the equation. Strife, being the embodiment of conflict, might have no other goal other than to create chaos. Orion is on earth to stop the "new god" that will end time, possibly Zola's baby. Wonder Woman just wants to help Zola get her baby back and stop getting dragged into the affairs of the Gods. But what do Hermes, Demeter, and Ares want? I have no idea. Maybe if I reread all 17 issues, I might glean some new information (or old information that I've forgotten). But that would take more time than I currently want to spend on it. So hopefully in the next ten pages, at least one of those three will spill their immortal beans.

While The First Born argues with Poseidon and makes sushi out of his sea serpents, Wonder Woman and Ares enter a potted Sage plant and step into Demeter's realm. It's there they meet Hermes who ambushes Ares and holds them both at sword point. I suppose the answers will have to wait.

Wonder Woman Rating: No change. This is a comic book that I'd rather forgo the normal commentary and just bullet point the things that are happening so I can keep track of them all. Maybe I'll just do that in future commentaries so I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy Wonder Woman.

Catwoman #17

As a burglar and thief, it would seem having a really identifiable getaway vehicle would not be a super smart choice.

Whenever I hit a comic book convention in the last fifteen years, I've made it a point to always buy something from the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. It's usually a shirt but one year at the San Diego Comic-con, I purchased some watercolor color guides from House of Secrets. I'm currently wearing the shirt I purchased from the Portland Comic Con last weekend that says, "I read banned comics." Except as I sit here with Catwoman in my lap (sexy!), I realize I should fill in the "NNE" so it reads "I read Bad comics."

This issue begins with Catwoman hanging out on girders in her shit-kicking, line-dancing girl's-night-out outfit. She's watching some kids in a playground and showing her age by judging them by their rattail haircuts. I would probably judge them too but not as no-good drug dealers. I'd just think they were twenty-five years too late to the horribly bad hair party. Which means these kids are probably new members of some Rattales (a woo woo!) gang run by some middle aged guy whose life peaked spinning on a piece of linoleum in junior high. Once Catwoman sees that a drug deal is going down, she realizes she should probably change into her crime fighting jewel-stealing outfit.

Am I the only person concerned with first draft, non-edited comic book scripts?

The fact that Gotham still has phone booths to be turned into toilets I can let go. I don't know the last time I've seen a phone booth in a modern city but Gotham is a fucking wacky place where I can believe a few non-magic Dial H phone booths have been left standing. What I have a problem with is Catwoman making an allusion to Superman's strangely iconic way of changing outfits. Which is a really weird thing for Catwoman to allude to since it makes no sense. Even if Clark Kent has been finding old, decrepit phone booths to change into in Metropolis, how would Catwoman know that unless she's in on Clark's relationship to Superman? And if Catwoman's thought doesn't have anything to do with Superman and the way he changes in phone booths, it makes no fucking sense anyway because why would anybody think a phone booth was a good place to change clothes? Even when, you know, you could find a phone booth? It would make more sense to look for an actual toilet to change in.

Even with her phone booth problem, Catwoman manages to change into her catsuit before breaking up the drug deal that just went bad. She lectures the kids before she drives their faces into the playground equipment, knocking them unconscious.

Has Catwoman always sounded this old and judgmental? By the way, not a single shoe was untied in the artwork.

The guy that decided to fuck up the kids because they were on his boss's turf is named Volt. Catwoman nabs him and tries to get some information out of him. He informs her he isn't a snitch just so she doesn't think he's a snitch when he vomits up the information she needs. Meanwhile she engages with the street kids in a great example of dialogue that shows Ann Nocenti is hip to the way the kids talk.

I am so fucking sick of gangbangers telling me my moral slip and slide has been set to loosey-goosey.

Meanwhile the Gotham Police are busy investigating Catwoman's theft of dozens of gem-encrusted dildos. They're busy questioning the doorman who was bribed with a huge double-sided, diamond-encrusted phallus. The detective working the Dildo Caper is a hard-nosed female police detective named Tammy who wants to bring back the electric chair to clear out the jail cells. I guess she gets to be Catwoman's next nemesister. She's working with Detective Alvarez who's been on Catwoman's tail for a number of issues now.

That double-sided dildo sure has been toned down since it last appeared! Now it just looks like a Subway footlong.

Later that night, Catwoman steals a bunch of paintings from a museum. I think that's the load of loot she had on her when she decided to sit on a roof in the rain and reminisce about the first time she met Batman. That happened in Young Romance #1. But she becomes distracted by a less dextrous and sexy thief that decided to rob the same museum on the same night.

More evidence that 95% of all Narration Boxes aren't needed. She describes what we can see is happening in the panel. And then she tells us her solution. It's par for the course if she just happens not to get shot by someone with a gun. But I didn't realize she can actively dodge bullets?! Holy fuck! That's nubile! Wait! Let me check my dictionary. Um, just replace nubile with something else. Anything else!

Just to explain my nubile joke for everyone except the three people who were there. My cousin Jason had decided that "nubile" meant "agile" from watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I just told him he should probably invest in a dictionary. In high school, my oft-mentioned friend Soy Rakelson had decided that "decadent" meant sweet tasting because his sister described some ice cream as decadent. I'm not telling these stories because I'm immune from being the butt of anecdotes like this! I just leave those anecdotes for other people to tell! Hopefully people without as many readers as I have. You know? So like no more than five.

Catwoman takes down the fat thief and becomes best friends with him. Mostly because her fence and getaway driver didn't show. For a professional thief, Catwoman is kind of stupid. Shouldn't she have called off the job if all the pieces for a successful heist weren't in place? I guess she really does like crimes that go wrong so she can get her adrenaline fix. Since Catwoman's ride didn't show, she talks the fat guy into giving her a lift when they leave the museum.

The fat guy just has a Faggio (trademark Grand Theft Auto), so Catwoman has to walk. She ends up on a rooftop thinking about Batman while waiting for a lift. Hopefully not from Batman. Catwoman's ride didn't show because Gwen is being hassled by the cops being that her fingerprints were all over that two-pronged dildo. And the fat guy returns to his boss who is just a pair of gloved hands with a cane with a bird on top. So it's either The Penguin or The Emperor Penguin! Right? Or is there a Batman villain named The Cane?

Catwoman #17 Rating: No change. If Ann Nocenti would just drop the horrible way everything out of everyone's mouth ends up being a minor oral report, maybe this book wouldn't be fucking terrible. It would just be terrible. Then get rid of the useless Narration Boxes and the comic might improve to not-so-terrible. Lastly, get another writer on it and it might end up being good!

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!