Green Lantern Corps Annual #1

Will the Guardians learn to stop worrying and love themselves?

I thought it was odd that the Rise of the Third Army was ending in the Green Lantern Corps Annual so I dug out a Zero Issue from each week in September until I stumbled upon the advert for the Crossover in The Phantom Stranger. This ad claims the crossover takes place in New Guardians #13-16, Green Lantern #13-16, Green Lantern Corps #13-16, and Red Lanterns #13-16. I guess somewhere along the way, DC decided to not end the crossover in the pages of Red Lanterns, so Red Lanterns #16 doesn't have the Third Army banner on the cover. Although the cover shows Atrocitus with his army of Manhunters which was part of the Third Army story. Perhaps that will just carry over to the First Lantern Crossover that will be happening next (if that's a crossover!). But now I have to pay an extra two dollars for the final issue of Rise of the Third Lanterns? What if I was budgeting my comic books according to your advert, DC? I'd have to go without learning how it all ends! This is almost as bad as the time DC put out the advert that Mr. Freeze was going to make his debut in the Batman Annual and then Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws trumped Batman's Annual! That was so disappointing.

The only thing anybody actually learned from that last paragraph is that I spend too much time thinking about DC's advertising.

The Rise of the Third Army's conclusion begins with Guy, Simon, and B'dg hanging out on the moon wondering what their next move is going to be. How are they going to know about Hal and Sinestro's plan to stick Indigo rings on the insane Guardians? You know what? I don't even like that plan. That plan leaves the Guardians alive to pull this kind of shit again in another billion years. I think it's about time to just shove them all into the anti-matter universe leaving the Green Lantern Corps as a worker owned company. Down with the little blue man! Up with masturbation!

The plan they come up with is simple: Guy Gardner heads back to Oa, finds Kilowog, gets his ring back, warns the Corps, and saves the day. Unless he doesn't save the day. That's where the other part of the plan comes in: Baz and B'dg find Hal Jordan so that Hal Jordan can head back to Oa, find Kilowog, get his ring back, warn the Corps, and save the day! Gardner gets a space suit from B'dg's ring and heads to Oa. B'dg and Baz open the Book of the Black and are sucked inside and transported elsewhere.

I forgot about the Black Lantern Corps in the Masturbation Mythos! But with a guy name Black Hand leading that group, seems like it might represent the negative side of too much masturbation (is that a thing?).

Gardner makes it to Oa and teams up with Kilowog and some other Lanterns I don't recognize. Most of the Corps have been trapped in a stasis field created by the Guardians. If they can't move, they can't touch themselves inappropriately. The Guardians believe that they've taken care of all but one of the human Green Lanterns so they turn their attention to finishing off John Stewart. They send their army to kill him and assimilate Mogo. I have no idea how they intend to have their Borg Lanterns assimilate a planet. Or why they'd even want to. Do planets masturbate? Is that what earthquakes and volcanoes are? Eww. Was Mount St Helens just a gigantic bukake across the faces of everyone in the Northwest? Was Krakatoa a worldwide facial? This planet is disgusting.

Mogo lives again and destroys the approaching Third Army with his ejaculate. Or her ejaculate.

For ancient, immortal geniuses, the Guardians are pretty stupid. Or perhaps they're just arrogant. Every single one of their plans has failed so far and yet they continue on as if each step has been completely successful. I guess I wouldn't be too worried that the narcissistic Hal Jordan or the overconfident Guy Gardner or the self-doubting John Stewart or the Cartoonist Kyle Rayner could stop any of my plans either. I might worry about Sinestro though. I certainly wouldn't worry about the rest of the Green Lantern Corps since they just provide funny looking physiques to fill in the backgrounds in the crowd scenes.

Yeah, you fucking pervs.

More lectures from these jerks? Thankfully Guy interrupts. He distracts the Guardians long enough for Kilowog and the others to free the entire Corps from the Guardians' grasp. And then the war for Oa begins as the Borg Lanterns descend on the planet. The war lasts for about three seconds and then Kyle and the other New Guardians (minus one Red Lantern) arrive to begin disintegrating Borg Lanterns. Guy gets his ring back and everyone begins using Atrocitus's plan to blast the Borg Lanterns in their eyes. Did Atrocitus send that message out? Maybe in Red Lanterns #16 which I haven't read yet and doesn't say it's part of the Third Army. But it must be because here comes Atrocitus's army!

It's nice to see all of the Guardians' armies playing nicely.

The Borg Lanterns begin losing power and the Manhunters, New Guardians, and Green Lantern Corps begin closing in on the Guardians. Ganthet's last gambit is to draw more power from the First Lantern, Volthoom. In doing so, Volthoom escapes his prison and, well, um...I don't know. Everything just goes white.

It's a good thing I don't rank Annuals because this is a bullshit ending to the Rise of the Third Army. No, no. It's not an ending at all! It's just another goddamn Geoff Johns crossover that never fucking ends! It just changes it's name!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1 Rating: It may have been written by Peter J. Tomasi but this thing has Geoff Johns' stink all over it!

Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.

What is love?

"Nasty Infections Part Two: Rotten Pot." Shade the Changing Man #60 by Peter Milligan, Mark Buckingham, and Rick Bryant.

Justice League #16

I guess the part where they talk out their problems falls through. Oh, who am I kidding? When has rational discussion ever been attempted in a comic book?

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we'll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won't be that universal because they'll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won't be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don't think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

That's pretty accurate. Although I'd probably add a level so if the answer to "Is Batman available?" is no, the chart would ask, "Do we have time to wait for Batman to become available?" And if that is no, the next one should read, "Has anyone tried Batman's pager?"

So the cover takes over where Aquaman #15 left off: Aquaman became pissed that he was being disrespected by the Justice League (again) and wasn't going to take it anymore. It was time for yet another in-house Justice League brawl. I guess when you're as powerful as the Justice League, your only worthy adversary is yourself. Or an old writer with cancer. Or a woman in leopard spandex.

Aquaman knocks Superman out because it's a silly comic book and they can get away with printing any ridiculous thing they want. But that's what Superman gets for standing around and not acting aggressively toward Aquaman. Hasn't he been in enough good guy on good guy fights to know that you always have to get in the first punch or you're fucked? He's still so naive. Batman tries to have a discussion with Aquaman but that fucking asshole calls him Bruce right there in front of Orm and everyone! I can tell Batman was about to teach him a lesson for that careless mistake when Batman gets zapped by Orm's magic trident.

Just go with it Orm. The surface dwellers are confusing bastards.

You know what? Fuck it! Stop trying to figure out these fucking land dwellers that are always so quick to punch each other in the throat. Who needs 'em? Do whatever you think is right, Orm.

Whoa whoa whoa. Don't get crazy!

While this invasion is beginning, Cyborg is rescuing Dr. Shin from Aquagirl because Dr. Shin is a really important chess piece in this gigantic game of global checkers. He's probably the Queen and Cyborg just castled him back to the Justice League Watchtower so he can be kinged.

Now I didn't just pull the chess analogy out of my ass (there I go again being unable to resist using "ass" and "analogy" in the same sentence!). I was just thinking of chess because Orm, the king of the sea, is obsessed with figuring out who the king of the land is. Obviously he thinks it's Batman at first except Batman is so totally the Knight. Cyborg is obviously the Rook and perhaps Dr. Shin is the King since Cyborg is castling with him. Wonder Woman is the Queen and not just because she's a woman but because she's probably the most useful member of the Justice League in a war. That leaves the Bishop for preachy ass Superman. I wonder if this entire battle can be mapped out as a game of chess.

A very sexual game of chess.

The Justice League loses the battle against Orm pretty quickly when he blasts them all with lightning controlled by his Trident Relic. So now it looks like the Justice League can add "Aquaman's brother" to the list of enemies more powerful than they are. That list just gets more and more embarrassing. Orm encases them all in solid water (I think there's a more technical term for that) and takes them underwater to be punished. That leaves only Cyborg left to rescue them and Cyborg has already shown his reluctance to set a metal foot in the ocean. It looks like it might be time to remove that human lung and have it replaced by more gears. Time for a trip to S.T.A.R. Labs!

Am I the only one that now wants a comic book based inside S.T.A.R. Labs and written like episodes of Degrassi Junior High?

It's nice to see the first (I think?) reference to the Metal Men. This is the second mention of Red Tornado but the first mention of this Earth's Red Tornado. And while I'm generally against spying on our fellow citizens and ratting them out to the authorities based on a person's own subjective and biased observations, I think there should probably be a program set up where other scientists report crazed behavior like Dr. T. O. Morrow shows here. Nip that mad scientist shit in the bud! This guy is obviously unstable and they just go about their business while he rants and foams in the background.

Cyborg's lung removal and SCUBA insert surgery will take a few hours so he feels the need to call on some super heroes the League has been scouting to help out.

I'm most excited about Urania. If Element Woman is actually Element Girl alive and well again.

I guess I'll find out more about Element Woman in Aquaman #16 which I have sitting here ready to read next! But first: SHAZAM!

Dr. Sivanus is still collecting Sins while Black Adam finally confronts Shazam. And after Black Adam kicks him across town a few times, Shazam learns what I figured he was going to learn last time. Changing back to Billy has its advantages. Shazam turns back into Billy so Black Adam can't find and kill him and then runs and hides in an alley. Apparently Freddie was the funny one because this issue didn't have one joke in it! Unless you count Billy's ability to defend himself. Ha! Loser.

Justice League #16 Rating: No change. I feel like I'm just speeding through the issues of Justice League where everyone is fighting simply to get to the issues when everything is calm and the team members stand around talking about how much they distrust one another. Those are my favorite episodes. Also the episodes where Steve Trevor overhears them baking cookies and he thinks they're having an orgy because Steve Trevor thinks terms like "pounding dough" and "preheat to 425" and "add the M&Ms" and "grease the shit out of that thing" are all sex terms. Hmm. Maybe he's right. Did Mr. Roper ever hear Jack Tripper fucking someone in the kitchen and innocently assume he was making an omelette? I feel like I've asked that question before. Have we all asked that question before?

Turds of Prey #16

Last issue ended with Batgirl bringing the female Talon to join the team. This issue's cover? They're fighting the Talon!

My guess is that the Talon is punching Babs in the face because the Talon thought Batgirl was bringing her to join a well-written team. But her reasoning will have to remain a mystery because she's mute and can't tell anyone. I guess if she can do sign language and her reasons have to do with cookies, goats, and helicopters, I'll be able to understand her. I guess I know the signs for cats and raccoons as well!

How long do you think it'll be before I make a "Strix are for kids" joke? Probably fairly soon. I might even tell the joke three or four times! Get ready!

Black Canary and Starling are ready to fight the Talon even though the Talon is just sitting in the background stroking her pudendum.

If only there were a rabbit masturbating, I could tell my joke!

Batgirl urges her fellow Turds to try Strix out. They might like it. But they know they're in a Duane Swierczynski comic. They're right to be suspicious.

Please. If she were in a fugue state, she'd currently be Balthazar Getty.

Black Canary and Starling find it easier to believe that Batgirl is out of her fucking mind than to believe that the Talon that isn't currently trying to kill them because she's masturbating on a building ledge isn't going to start trying to kill them at any moment. I think that sentence made sense. If it didn't, you can rewrite it yourself and pretend that's what I wrote. Help me out and do some work, why don'cha? Sheesh. Do I have to read this crappy comic all by myself?

Am I the only one that reads "Strix" as "Str-nine"? I also read Netflix as "Netfiftynine." I also read the old Jack in the Box logo as "Jack in the Bejesus" because the "o" and the "x" merge and look like a Jesus fish. Did you know that if you write Christmas multiple times along the horizontal and then write it along the vertical making a big grid pattern of the word CHRISTMAS over and over again (like you probably see on wrapping paper and gift bags around the holidays), It says "SHIT" over and over again on the diagonal? People must see that, right?

S C H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A
C H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S
H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C
R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C H
I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C H R

Anyway, it looks like maybe they might begin discussing things civilly even though the cover shows a different story. That's because the covers get things wrong all of the time. Maybe it's due to scripts changing after covers have already been painted. Or maybe it's just that DC hates their readers and just loves lying to them as often as they can. But the talking never happens because an unexpected guest (no, actually, he was expected) arrives!

Okay. I admit it, Duane. I chuckled at the idiot ex machina line.

Now I don't know why Condor decided he needed to smash into Strix. Perhaps it was an accident? I guess everybody has heard of the Talons at this point and the big, brave man thought he was saving the little women. Whatever the reason, I can't forgive him. Because now I suddenly have to sit through twenty pages of a fight caused by a misunderstanding that simply delays the Turds accepting Strix as their new member.

Obligatory paragraph where I wonder why nobody ever talks about what happened between Poison Ivy and Katana.

Obligatory panel with people falling off of a building.

Holy shit! I think Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Prey" fanfic is coming true!

It's about this point when I'm distracted by the advert for the second trade paperback for Snyder's Batman. This is the review quote from popmatters.com: "Batman has become a showcase for the possibility of the literary and the explosive to be paired as equals." WTF? Fucking bullshit. Reviewers so love the taste of their own cum. How come DC isn't tapping me for review quotes?! I can wank all over myself too, DC! "Batman captures the feelings of a young man's first tour of duty in the jungles of 'Nam when he first encountered the dizzying relationships of Edith Wharton's "Age of Innocence" in the quiet, desperate humidity filled times between the chaotic rush of seconds-filled gunfire that lasted eternities. But even while praying that each muffled bullet he heard fired wouldn't end his short life, he couldn't forget the heartbreaking choice of Newland Archer that was destined to be wrong because he'd always love the fantasy of the woman he didn't choose more than the reality of the woman he married. Yeah. Batman is like that." Was that too long for a review quote? I guess once I start jerking off to my own words, I just can't fucking get enough. I should make a picture of my quote so that everyone can print it and paste it in their comic books over the popmatters' quote. Unless you like their quote better! If you do, you can stop reading right now and never find out what happens to the Turds of Prey!

Still here? Good choice!

Hold on a second! Black Canary wants to interrupt me with an insightful insight!

Says the Turd of Prey that wanted to kick Strix in the tits a few panels ago.

Meanwhile somewhere above Gotham (that's what Duane said in his meanwhile box! Apparently the Birds of Prey were on the tallest building in Gotham for Strix's interview), Starling tells Condor that his masculine bullshit damsel saving tune doesn't fly in a Birds of Prey comic book! It's just a lot of squawking and feather displays! When he drops birdshit like that, he just lays an egg and it makes him look like a cock that's hard to swallow. I think I might be ostriching the bird jokes a bit so I'll shut my flapping beak. Anyway, I should be making turd jokes not bird jokes! I'm so stupid!

Starling pulls off Condor's wings to get even with him for dropping her off the building in Yokohama. Ha ha! He'll be sorry for doing that when they both splatter on the streets of Gotham.

Or on the same roof Starling tackled Condor off of. I guess he flew them about for awhile which is why they were so far above all the other buildings. Pretend you didn't witness me interpret a comic book incorrectly. This'll be our little secret, okay? I'm sure you're the only one reading this stupid commentary anyway. Nobody else cares what's happening in this shitty comic book that I wish were better because it's the Birds of Prey! Come on! I want a well-written Birds of Prey comic book! Maybe DC can put out another one as one of The New 52 and call it, "The Well-Written Birds of Prey!"

Before Starling and Condor fall on Strix's head and piss her off even more, Batgirl gives a description of The Turds of Prey to Strix. She says, "We band together to take on the threats that no one else can." [Trigger warning: Sexist Jokes Ahead] What fucking threats are those? Severe cramping? An all female group of villains called the Harem Syndicate? Skinny jeans that cause saddle bags? Male dominated super hero groups that don't think twice about a roster full of men but always have to ask why the Turds won't put a man on their team? That last one was because everyone who read the Trigger Warning expected Sexist Jokes all aimed at women and then BOOM! I turned it around and called out men for their bullshit! Oh yeah! Touchdown dance! Or whatever you call the dance a woman does after her first menstruation! I never learned the name of that dance because I was never allowed to see the girl's filmstrip in fifth grade.

Everyone decides to play nice since they still have ten pages of comic book left to deliver an actual story. Condor knows where some Basilisk guys are that Black Canary wants to kick in the balls, so she allows him to tentatively join the Birds of Prey as their token male member. But only because he has a bird name!

I said male member.

It's too bad Strix doesn't talk because she can't participate in the zany back and forth dialogue that the other members engage in. I think I liked the ten pages where they weren't talking and they were simply punching each other in the noses.

As they break into the place where the Basilisk guy is demonstrating a device that will cut power to all of Gotham, Black Canary has one of her Kurt Lance Power Surges and blows a fucking hole in the Basilisk hideout. This sets off the power grid sucking bomb, sending Gotham into the dark. And just when the Mother of All Monsters is climbing into the city! The best part about the accident is that Starling is knocked out and finally fucking shuts up.

Turds of Prey #16 Rating: No change. I keep hoping this comic book will suddenly be worth reading but it never is. It's too bad that an all-female team is relegated to making bad all female-team jokes instead of just being a kick ass team. They even give Condor a hard time because he's male trying to worm his way onto their team. They should be giving him a hard time because he's an asshole and not worth having. And I don't know what value Strix is going to be. I guess her undead assassin personality should fit right in with the other block of wood personalities Swierczynski has given the other members of the team. Except for Starling. She's a right pistol, ain't she? Fucking annoying dick.

Batwoman #16

I might be too tired to produce a coherent commentary.

I suspect not a single insurance company offers coverage to residents of Gotham city. Or else they offer such a specific variety of coverages that you'd either go broke covering yourself for everything or it would be like hitting the lottery if it ever paid off. Currently the people who have coverage against Urban Legends and Ancient Mythological Beasts are sitting pretty. I'm sure most people have coverage against insane clowns and psychotic mob bosses, so a lot of people are going to be flat broke and on their asses when their homes are destroyed by the gigantic hydra currently blasting through the streets. I bet the one guy that's covered for Mythological Creatures My Eighth Grade Boyfriend Would Have Known About is trying to lure the fucking thing to his front porch. I bet the payoff would be enormous!

"Yes, yes. I know your husband was covered against Dungeons and Dragons spells but turning to stone from a Medusa's gaze is not the same as a Flesh to Stone spell. I'm sorry but you get nothing."

Wonder Woman steers Batwoman toward saving the children from Medusa because Wonder Woman knows of only three people that could face the Medusa. Wonder Woman knows Gods so I suspect she's not including them in the term "people." She probably means Superman and Green Lantern and herself. If she's not including herself, she might be including Mera in that group. I bet Mera could kick it's ass. I bet Batman could too but Wonder Woman doesn't respect him as much as she should, so she wouldn't be including him. But I don't know if Batwoman is even capable of defeating Medusa! She's way too low level for that encounter.

Medusa's plan is to spill enough blood on the City of Lunatics' shoreline to summon forth her mother, Ceto. This could be the tipping point for a severe pilgrimage of citizens out of Gotham. "Lunatics and thugs, I can take! But fucking Medusa and the Hydra and the Mother of all Monsters? Fuck this. I hear Central City only has to deal with talking gorillas and some jerk with boomerangs. I'll take my fucking chances there!"

Don't forget Cameron Chase is in the middle of this mess too!

Mr. Bones has also joined the party! He confronts Medusa wearing some kind of biometric goggles or something so that he doesn't turn to stone. Even if he did turn to stone, who could tell since his flesh is invisible?! I guess the fact that he'd stop moving might be a clue. But The Hook knocks Bones out before he can do more than wag his jaw. But Cameron steps in to save Bones although she's only a slight distraction. The Hook knocks her gun away and does some of the best threatening I've seen yet in a New 52 comic book.

Seriously. This is on par with The Joker taunting Robin in Batman & Robin #15.

That "Hey Freak-Show" speech bubble over there? That leads up to maybe the finest moment I've had reading the New 52 so far (how can I say that immediately on the heels of saying "best threatening I've seen in a New 52 comic book?" My tongue is so far up this comic book's ass I can tell it's prostate is a beautiful jewel). There's so much going on in this comic book right now that I really didn't expect this moment. I literally figuratively stood up and cheered. I also might have teared up a little bit but that was probably a metaphorical weeping with simulated snot running out of my nose and pretend hitchings of breath.

Flamebird is back! And she's scared as hell and not going to take it anymore!

Flamebird says, "You don't know how badly I need this..." and then thinks, "So scared, I forget my next line." That's just classic. Beautifully written because it says so much in just those two lines. She's thought about this rematch so much that she has a prepared speech for The Hook yet when it all goes down, she forgets her script. It says a lot about the quality of a writer when I suddenly like Flamebird better than every Teen Titan, better than Catwoman and Green Arrow, better than Hawkman and Starfire and Jason Todd. Flamebird!

Abbot and his gang of monsters join with Batwoman to destroy Medusa's gang of monsters. Boy, Ceto is not going to be happy about the sudden rise in monster-on-monster crime. I wonder when monsters act badly, do their mothers put them on time out or just rip their guts out?

Getting back to Wonder Woman as she battles the Hydra, she decides to name the other two heroes she believes could face it.

Let's see, while reading The New 52, I've correctly speculated too many things to count and incorrectly speculated a negligible amount (probably closer to zero than one).

Wonder Woman realizes she doesn't need a heat source to stop the Hydra's heads from regenerating. She just cuts the heads off so quickly that her blade superheats and melts the Hydra's scales forming a barrier to protect against sprouting heads. She also drops an elbow or two on the monster just for good measure. Batwoman fights her way through the monsters to find Maro and La Llorona and Medusa. She must have been watching how Wonder Woman wins half of her battles by pretending to be nice and gets La Llorona to switch sides when she points out she's a crazy child-killing bitch. Maybe she's more diplomatic than that. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Medusa has spilled enough child-blood to summon her mother.

The Mother of All Monsters is in 3-D! Sheesh. 3-D just looks like a dirty emoticon now.

Batwoman #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't know how Batwoman isn't outselling every other New 52 comic book out there. It appeals to a wide variety of readers, it has the most fleshed out characters in The New 52, and it's consistently filled with terrific writing and fucking amazing art. The only reason for it not outselling everything else is that it scares away the vast majority of the young male audience because it features a lesbian as the main character. Okay, maybe there are other reasons but I prefer to live my life on the edge of hyperbole! Also, I wanted to blame young male readers for something! I'm sure they're all up to no good! The well-written story probably gets in the way of their adolescent male lesbian fantasies. And since the internet has plenty of material to satisfy those, Batwoman loses out.

Legion of Super-heroes #16

Am I the only one that thinks a blowjob chain was just interrupted here?

Why do I always have to be so critical of the comic books when I read them? I'm talking about the non-Scott Lobdell, non-Tom Defalco, non-Ann Nocenti comic books. I know why I'm critical of comics written by those word molesters. Mostly I'm just going for the laugh. I almost typed "cheap laugh" but my jokes are worth every fucking penny I imagine people would be willing to spend on them if I actually were charging people to read them. But I'm not a real critic anyway. I don't mean "not real" in the sense that I don't get paid to do it or "not real" in the sense that vampires aren't real. My criticisms are mostly just wild exaggerations and extraordinary twists of logic spit out by a raving lunatic. That last part is most probably why people seem to enjoy reading them. But what I was really wondering is why do we, as a society, feel compelled to criticize to appear intelligent? I think it's harder to sound smart when praising something because you have to work harder to lift the other person up along with yourself. It's easier to look smart when you've battered the critiqued thing beneath your mighty barrage of insults so it lays smashed and broken beneath your now seemingly towering intellect.

Or maybe it's just fun to tear shit down. Have you ever thrown a rock through a window? That's pretty fucking satisfying on a simply visceral level.

As long as people find valid reasons for showing why something sucks, I'm all for it. But I think people don't realize how much more satisfying it is to read or see something you initially feel you don't like and to figure out what the auteur may have been doing and why instead of tossing out an easy, "That was shit." Here are some of the laziest criticisms that people use to sound smart that I can't fucking abide because they say absolutely nothing: "I didn't like that movie because it was far too different from the book."; "That was offensive."; "That sucked because so-and-so has never made a good movie/written a good book/satisfied me sexually."; "Your point is invalid because TYPO!"; "The New 52 sucks because it's different."; "Why the fuck did I buy this issue? And just when I thought I was beginning to like this comic book. Blech!"

I shouldn't even be bringing this stuff up just before I tear into Legion of Super-heroes, eviscerating it for the sheer pleasure of evisceration. Now every time you read "This is stupid!" in this commentary, you're going to roll your eyes and think, "What a fucking hypocrite!" Although what you should really do is type a comment in that Commentary box at the end and say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea? You're an asshole!" That would be more acceptable than never knowing someone thought I was an asshole. Maybe I'm just stalling because I don't want to read Legion of Super-heroes because it's so fucking stupid. Did you read Issue #15? All they did was punch dinosaurs in future Barcelona! I think Paul Levitz was too busy that month to hand in a real script so they entered "Legion of Super-heroes" into DC's 1954 Comic Book Writer Simulacrum Program (a HAL-like machine created to write Comic Book Code acceptable comic books) and it spit out a bunch of punch cards with an acceptable Legion script. For some reason, the CBWSP always shoves dinosaurs into the plot, probably because it wasn't allowed to write about sympathetic criminals or sordid activity or unpleasant activity or corrupt judges or corrupt police or corrupt government officials or criminals that never get punished or brutal torture or excessive gunplay or physical agony or gory scenes or gruesome crime or scary shit or lots of blood or depravity or lust or sadism or blowjobs or vampires or ghouls or werewolves or cannibals or zombies or normal torture or profanity or obscenity or werewolves giving blowjobs or smut or vulgarity or secret symbols that may or may not corrupt a child's sense of propriety or large boobs or curvy asses or illicit sex or abnormal sex or cannibals receiving blowjobs or wild sex or any sex at all, come to think of it, or seduction or rape (which Republicans think of as sex so that's been covered already anyway). So all that was left was dinosaurs!

Hopefully Paul Levitz wrote this issue and it will be better.

This issue starts off with Ultra Boy and Phantom Girl and even though I knew it was coming, it made me fucking laugh. Phantom Girl's real name: Tinya Wazzo. Is there a mental disorder where you remain at the same mental state as when you were eight years old? Arrested development? Is that the one? That's the nurture part. But I also live in Portland, Oregon where "young people go to retire" and where the height of entertainment is changing the STOP signs into POOP signs. That's the nature part! Tinya and Jo are discussing the coming election of the new Legion of Super-heroes leader that none of them get to vote for. I guess you're supposed to believe that every member of the Legion gets a vote but really the readers are voting. I hope they all vote for Chlorophyll Kid or Comet Queen.

Dream Girl's power should be "precognition" (with the quotes) because half the time it's just a dream and half the time it's a glimpse of the future. Legion must spend a lot of wasted time on unnecessary dental work when Dream Girl has dreams of members losing their teeth.

I had a vaguely disturbing dream the other night. A group of teenaged Japanese girls were found murdered and strapped into the side of a van dropped inside a pond at a minigolf place. The girls were strapped to the walls of the van in an alternating pattern with the first girl right side up then the next one strapped in upside down and so on. I dreamt the Fark headline was AVAVAVAVAVB+. I don't know what the B+ stood for because I couldn't bring myself to examine the photos of the poor girls. Apparently I was at some kind of wedding for someone from my high school class because I recognized a lot of people from Santa Clara High and they were all practicing for the wedding by singing the Flintstone's theme song. Fuck, I hope that was just a dream and not a glimpse of the future because I just couldn't stand to go to a wedding from someone in my high school class. Oh, and the poor Japanese girls.

Everyone is talking about the upcoming election! It's so exciting! Some people want some other people to win and some other people want some other other people to win! The drama! So much of it!

I'm pretty sure looking suspiciously at somebody through the haze made by a cup of hot tea is against the Comic Code Authority.

Meanwhile Chameleon Boy and Shrinking Violet are checking to make sure Validus of the Fatal Five is still nicely locked up in his Inertron Cube (see cover!). They shrink to microscopic size and slip inside to see if he's nice and cozy.

He seems okay. Now how about getting back to that election?!

Except Validus isn't okay because that's not Validus! It's just an illusion that has been fooling everybody in Legion up until now. It's a good thing Chameleon Boy wanted to investigate Validus up close after they found all those clues that the Fatal Five are reuniting. I still don't know anything about Validus and the Fatal Five. So let me read up on them in the Who's Who!

Validus is apparently the child of Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl who was stolen at the in-. Stupid Who's Who entry is missing a line! That's how it ends and then it picks up with Darkseid on the next line after that! I don't know what the "in" is beginning but I assume that Darkseid was behind Validus being kidnapped. It goes on to say that Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl didn't even know of his existence! So that missing line is really important! And then he was sent back in time over a decade? And he was a perpetual infant? Sounds like he was a very dangerous monster with the mind of a baby but Tharok (the other Fatal Five guy Legion has been worried about) was able to control him. I have no idea how much of that stuff still holds true since this is The New 52 and not the months immediately following Crisis on Infinite Earths!

So the Fatal Five is about ready to start causing trouble but first the Legion of Super-heroes Election is finally over! Everyone has voted and the winner is:

Tiny Wazoo! Yippee!

Legion of Super-heroes #16 Rating: +1 Rating. I don't know what Paul Levitz handed in last time but it was one of the most uninteresting scripts I've read so far in The New 52. This issue was much better. With the Legion, it feels like the pacing has to be exactly right. It needs some action to move the various plots forward. It needs some casual time for a few members to talk about personal crap. It needs some set-up for future plots. And it needs some relationship drama. This one had a little bit of all of those things balanced well. Even though I didn't mention Mon El's sexual harassment of Shadow Lass. I'm pretty sure running your unwanted, pervy fingers through someone's hair is against Legion of Super-heroes Policy on Unwanted Advances Made by Male Members of Legion. There is no policy on unwanted advances made by female members because when is an advance by a female ever unwanted by a male? Especially when everyone in the league is young and attractive. Actually, there might be an addendum dealing with Infectious Lass touching anybody over in the Substitute Legion. Although I'd risk it! She is one sexy spirochete-laden disease factory!