Inhuman #1

I'm actually kind of hoping Charles Soule writes a shitty comic book so I can drop this comic immediately.

I'm not sure I should have picked up this comic book. All I know about the Inhumans is that they once lived on the moon and Quicksilver was married to and had a baby with one of them. I think Medusa was one of them. I don't even know if this comic book has anything to do with that group. Plus, Marvel touting it as a "latest epic" makes it seem like it's ripe for crossing over and I will not be buying any huge Marvel Universe Crossovers. I just don't have the time and I probably don't have the money. And that is why I hope this comic book makes me fart blood.

The issue begins by giving me a quick history of the Inhumans!

Millions of years ago, when humankind was in its infancy, an alien civilization called the Kree experimented on ancient Homo Sapiens [So like how the Anunnaki created us to mine gold for them?]. The experiments created a new race who called themselves Inhumans [So even before modern languages and before the word "human" existed, they decided to differentiate themselves by calling themselves inhuman? Okay.], an evolutionary leap over their cave-dwelling brethren [The X-men?].

When one of these Inhumans discovered a chemcal called Terrigen that unlocked secret super powers buried in the DNA by the Kree, it fragmented Inhuman society. Some Inhumans stayed in their home city of Attilan, some mixed with regular humans and some just disappeared... [Shouldn't that ellipsis have four periods?]

Thousands of years later, Black Bolt, the King of the Attilan Inhumans, detonated a Terrigen bomb to save the world from an incredible threat [A flatulent Wolverine?]. This Terrigen bomb destroyed Black Bolt's city and created a cloud of Terrigen Mist that has been floating around the world [Oh! Like in Ms. Marvel. Does that mist just float into every new #1 comic book? Makes telling origin stories easy enough.] activating the DNA of humans that had no idea they were part of a secret history or that they were...

The story begins with a young man named Kristian (the hero of the story!) disrespecting a woman which results in a large man's fist disrespecting Kristian's nose. A healthy dose of Terrigen Mist is blowing into Bergen, Norway (where the story opens!) threatening to secret originize Kristian and his sidekick, Erik. You can tell Erik is the sidekick because he's not angry, he's got mousy brown hair, he wears glasses, and he's acting more reasonable than Kristian. You can tell Kristian is the hero because he's bleeding all over the barroom floor.

Erik decides he's going to hide in the women's bathroom and stuff his orifices with sanitary napkins while Kristian, showing the true spirit of a hero, walks out of the bar and directly into the mist where it slimes all over him and makes him cry like a twenty four year old man being sodomized by a gelatinous monster.

Mostly because that's exactly what happens.

Back in New York City, Medusa, Queen of the Inhumans, stares into a locket containing a picture of her husband (whom I recognize as Black Bolt! Unless I'm wrong!) and her son (whom I recognize as Tim Drake aka Harvest!). Her servant tells her that Eldrac the Door has been found. That probably means something. Like that Eldrac the Door was recently lost. Eldrac is an anagram of cradle. Does that mean anything? No? Medusa is an anagram of amused. Does that one mean anything?!

That scene is over so it's back to Norway where Kristian continues to be sodomized while encased in a gigantic green cocoon. Some guy named Lash comes along and carries him off to pupate in private. Although Lash sits nearby and stares. What if Kristian can't pupate with someone watching?

Lash tells Kristian the story that I learned early from this comic book. But Kristian gets pictures whereas I only received words. Although I'm getting to share in Kristian's pictures! And from what I've seen so far, I don't know if Medusa is wearing really tight clothing or if she's purple and goes about naked and has no nipples.

She is Lady Godiva-esque. So I wouldn't be surprised if she was naked. Also, DC's Godiva should start going about naked when she shakes off the embarrassment of being a part of Justice League International and returns.

Eldrac is a large person that is also a large structure. Unless it's the other way around. Whatever it is, its power is to send people where they need to be by swallowing them. He eats Medusa because how could you not? Rowr!

Meanwhile in Des Plaines, Illinois, the City of Destiny!, some drummer named Dante heads out to play a wedding. This must be a dream sequence because the only American city in the Marvel Universe is New York. Maybe Charles Soule is unfamiliar with the Marvel geography and he simply goofed this assignment. Dante (is he going to fall victim of the Terrigen Mist and become Purgatorio since Vibe's brother decided not to take that awesome name?) has a sick mother and a sister with a baby and a dead husband. He takes care of them by playing the drums in a cover band. I bet he prefers playing Peter Gabriel Genesis songs more than Phil Collins Genesis songs. Maybe he's a Mike and the Mechanics kind of guy? No, no. Why would he give a shit about him when Dante's a drummer?!

Sorry, Kristian. It looks like you're going to be relegated to sidekick. It's obvious that Dante is the hero from the cover. PURGATORIO!

Back in Norway, Kristian hatches from his cocoon. And I guess he's too ugly and too purple and too slimy because Lash disintegrates him. Although Kristian was pretty slimy so maybe he'll be able to pull himself back together. He still has a chance to become a sidekick!

The scene changes in this comic book are fast and furious like a movie about homoerotic car thieves because pretty soon we're all back in Des Plaines, including Lash. The mists have hit here as well, transforming Gabriela's mother and brother (PURGATORIO!) and probably her baby into cocoons.

Damn it. I was hoping I could warp reality and change what we all knew was coming. I so want a hero named Purgatorio. I guess he's going to go full cliche and take the name Inferno.

Before Lash can kill Dante because Lash just seems to like killing new Inhumans instead of accepting them into the fold, Medusa appears and saves him. Because she's from Attilan the Flying City where everybody gets to have a super power no matter how stupid it might be. Seriously, if they killed people for having shitty super powers, Medusa would be the first to go. Super hair?

Medusa lets Danta know that he's going to have to choose between Team Attilan or Team Orollan because she's an asshole and isn't going to let him choose Team Himself and his Sister and his Sister's Baby.

Inhumans #1 Rating: Goddammit. I guess I won't tell the comic book store to remove it from my pull list. My wallet and my finite time hate you, Charles Soule.

Batwoman #16

I might be too tired to produce a coherent commentary.

I suspect not a single insurance company offers coverage to residents of Gotham city. Or else they offer such a specific variety of coverages that you'd either go broke covering yourself for everything or it would be like hitting the lottery if it ever paid off. Currently the people who have coverage against Urban Legends and Ancient Mythological Beasts are sitting pretty. I'm sure most people have coverage against insane clowns and psychotic mob bosses, so a lot of people are going to be flat broke and on their asses when their homes are destroyed by the gigantic hydra currently blasting through the streets. I bet the one guy that's covered for Mythological Creatures My Eighth Grade Boyfriend Would Have Known About is trying to lure the fucking thing to his front porch. I bet the payoff would be enormous!

"Yes, yes. I know your husband was covered against Dungeons and Dragons spells but turning to stone from a Medusa's gaze is not the same as a Flesh to Stone spell. I'm sorry but you get nothing."

Wonder Woman steers Batwoman toward saving the children from Medusa because Wonder Woman knows of only three people that could face the Medusa. Wonder Woman knows Gods so I suspect she's not including them in the term "people." She probably means Superman and Green Lantern and herself. If she's not including herself, she might be including Mera in that group. I bet Mera could kick it's ass. I bet Batman could too but Wonder Woman doesn't respect him as much as she should, so she wouldn't be including him. But I don't know if Batwoman is even capable of defeating Medusa! She's way too low level for that encounter.

Medusa's plan is to spill enough blood on the City of Lunatics' shoreline to summon forth her mother, Ceto. This could be the tipping point for a severe pilgrimage of citizens out of Gotham. "Lunatics and thugs, I can take! But fucking Medusa and the Hydra and the Mother of all Monsters? Fuck this. I hear Central City only has to deal with talking gorillas and some jerk with boomerangs. I'll take my fucking chances there!"

Don't forget Cameron Chase is in the middle of this mess too!

Mr. Bones has also joined the party! He confronts Medusa wearing some kind of biometric goggles or something so that he doesn't turn to stone. Even if he did turn to stone, who could tell since his flesh is invisible?! I guess the fact that he'd stop moving might be a clue. But The Hook knocks Bones out before he can do more than wag his jaw. But Cameron steps in to save Bones although she's only a slight distraction. The Hook knocks her gun away and does some of the best threatening I've seen yet in a New 52 comic book.

Seriously. This is on par with The Joker taunting Robin in Batman & Robin #15.

That "Hey Freak-Show" speech bubble over there? That leads up to maybe the finest moment I've had reading the New 52 so far (how can I say that immediately on the heels of saying "best threatening I've seen in a New 52 comic book?" My tongue is so far up this comic book's ass I can tell it's prostate is a beautiful jewel). There's so much going on in this comic book right now that I really didn't expect this moment. I literally figuratively stood up and cheered. I also might have teared up a little bit but that was probably a metaphorical weeping with simulated snot running out of my nose and pretend hitchings of breath.

Flamebird is back! And she's scared as hell and not going to take it anymore!

Flamebird says, "You don't know how badly I need this..." and then thinks, "So scared, I forget my next line." That's just classic. Beautifully written because it says so much in just those two lines. She's thought about this rematch so much that she has a prepared speech for The Hook yet when it all goes down, she forgets her script. It says a lot about the quality of a writer when I suddenly like Flamebird better than every Teen Titan, better than Catwoman and Green Arrow, better than Hawkman and Starfire and Jason Todd. Flamebird!

Abbot and his gang of monsters join with Batwoman to destroy Medusa's gang of monsters. Boy, Ceto is not going to be happy about the sudden rise in monster-on-monster crime. I wonder when monsters act badly, do their mothers put them on time out or just rip their guts out?

Getting back to Wonder Woman as she battles the Hydra, she decides to name the other two heroes she believes could face it.

Let's see, while reading The New 52, I've correctly speculated too many things to count and incorrectly speculated a negligible amount (probably closer to zero than one).

Wonder Woman realizes she doesn't need a heat source to stop the Hydra's heads from regenerating. She just cuts the heads off so quickly that her blade superheats and melts the Hydra's scales forming a barrier to protect against sprouting heads. She also drops an elbow or two on the monster just for good measure. Batwoman fights her way through the monsters to find Maro and La Llorona and Medusa. She must have been watching how Wonder Woman wins half of her battles by pretending to be nice and gets La Llorona to switch sides when she points out she's a crazy child-killing bitch. Maybe she's more diplomatic than that. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Medusa has spilled enough child-blood to summon her mother.

The Mother of All Monsters is in 3-D! Sheesh. 3-D just looks like a dirty emoticon now.

Batwoman #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't know how Batwoman isn't outselling every other New 52 comic book out there. It appeals to a wide variety of readers, it has the most fleshed out characters in The New 52, and it's consistently filled with terrific writing and fucking amazing art. The only reason for it not outselling everything else is that it scares away the vast majority of the young male audience because it features a lesbian as the main character. Okay, maybe there are other reasons but I prefer to live my life on the edge of hyperbole! Also, I wanted to blame young male readers for something! I'm sure they're all up to no good! The well-written story probably gets in the way of their adolescent male lesbian fantasies. And since the internet has plenty of material to satisfy those, Batwoman loses out.