Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child

Darkseid pees out of his eyes.

"For a person who isn't a fan of Frank Miller's writing, I sure do purchase a lot of Frank Miller comic books," is my planned opening line for next Tuesday's therapy session. I hope I have a breakthrough and gain some insight into why I keep doing this to myself!

This book probably begins where DK III: The Master Race #9 left off. I say probably because I'm not good at remembering things. The thing about remembering things is that you actually have to pay attention to the thing. So while reading DK III: The Master Race #9, I should have been thinking, "Oh my! Yes, that's just like a Kandorian!" and "Why, that Lara, being half-Kryptonian and half-Amazonian, probably has a tight anal sphincter," and "Try to remember that Superman and Wonder Woman now have a male child who will be important in the next Dark Knight returns comic book." But I didn't think any of those things at all (except for maybe the tight anal sphincter thing). Instead, I was reading DK III: The Master Race #9 and thinking things like, "Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, 'I wonder what that butt smells like?' You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, 'So, how did I do?!' And you're all, 'My pants are ruined!' Then they make that face that says, 'We probably won't be talking for awhile.' And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making. By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, 'Oh yeah?! Prove it!' Boy, won't you look stupid!" which is remarkably close to the things I was thinking while I should have been reading (and thinking about!) this comic book! Is it possible that across four thousand blog posts, I've only written about three dozen new thoughts?

The issue begins with Superman and Wonder Woman's daughter Lara speaking with Superman and Wonder Woman's son whose name I don't remember or simply never knew. I'm fairly certain the first five pages are out of order. They would go better ordered 1, 2, 3, 5, 4. Normally I complain how Frank Miller's confusing script loses me. But I'm generally able to follow the comic for the first five pages! It's not like this is an old man Neal Adams story.

As the Super Children observe the humans of Gotham City, a riot breaks out. According to Batgirl and the local media, everybody protesting Donald Trump are violent and crazy. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening. Way to buy into the right-wing media hype that anti-Trump and anti-fascist protesters are violent. Some Antifa kid punches a Nazi in the face and the right-wing media never shuts up about it, acting like all protesters are violent. Run a protester over with your car and the right-wing media never speaks of it again except to maybe point out some people are mentally ill and they're not representative of the hate espoused by all the non-violent people just trying to protect history (where history is a bunch of statues of historical figures, statues which they all conveniently ignore the history of why they were cheaply and quickly erected in the first place). I wonder if my comic book store would let me return this book if I pointed out how fucking terrible Frank Miller's writing can be. Probably not. They'd probably say, "Look. We know you knew how terrible Miller was when you bought this comic book. You can't now plead ignorance. Sorry, pal." Then I'd probably mutter, "Foiled!" and walk out with a few more Frank Miller comic books.

I guess I'm just being reactionary! Maybe Miller's point is exactly my point about how the media always gets the headlines wrong in their desperate need to not appear biased (which, of course, causes them to seem biased in the opposite direction while not appeasing the side that continues to call them biased). Because what actually happens in the story is that a bunch of people are protesting the mayor's re-election when a bunch of Joker's minions attack the protest. I think they represent the racist, pro-fascist, MAGA dimwits. They cause the violence and then the media reports, "Protest gets violent because protesters are totally violent jerks!" And just to make sure everybody knows that Donald Trump is the baddie, we see The Joker and Darkseid wearing MAGA hats. Okay, maybe he doesn't go that far. But they do have a Trump doll. And after I draw MAGA hats on them and I reread this comic book in twenty years, I'll go, "Holy shit! Donald Trump is so obviously the baddie because The Joker and Darkseid are wearing MAGA hats!"

I wouldn't be surprised if Frank Miller's actual point to this story was "Why be right or left, sucker? The only way to win is not to play the game! Big ups to my main man WOPR! Centrists for life, yo!" Pretty sure I nailed Frank Miller's voice there.

"It's 2020 and Frank Miller is still doing 'Not' jokes" is the only review of this comic book you probably need.

The Joker and Darkseid are cumming in their pants over the engagement in the election cycle. I guess people who want to stop terrible politicians from making the country a living hell for a vast number of the population are simply falling into their trap! Stupid people who want a better world! Can't they see that the only way to defeat The Joker and Darkseid is to disengage from the circus of election cycles and simply live their own life without any concern for others? Doesn't the electorate know the best life to live is the life that leads to Ayn Randian defenses of their own selfish needs? Just shut up and take what they give you, you dumb fucks.

I should probably finish reading this story before I continue to jump from conclusion to conclusion about Frank Miller's point. His ultimate point might simply be that the children will save us all! Or that it doesn't matter if the children change the world or not because the adults will all be dead by then so who fucking cares?

Supergirl Lara confronts Darkseid by blasting him with her heat vision. He dies multiple times or something but doesn't somehow. He applauds her rage the way bad guys always do and then calmly sits down to tell all of the children a story. He's going to be sensible and rational which means it will be the truth, I think. Obviously if you have any emotional attachment to your beliefs, they're garbage beliefs. Until you can squeeze all of the humanity out of yourself, the things you believe won't hold up in rational debate! So divest yourself of your rage, children! It will only make you more logical and intellectually stronger! But also divest yourself of your joy and your despair and your other emotions I can't think of! There must be more, right?

While Darkseid is distracted regaling everybody with his tale of the anti-life equation, Superboy sneaks up behind him and takes over his Omega Effect. He turns it back on Darkseid and Darkseid disintegrates into non-existence. Unless he was transported back in time. I don't really know how his eyeball lasers work.

Darkseid doesn't stay dead for long. He returns as the Omega God, as the end of everything, as the final death of everything on Earth.

But maybe later, I guess?

Batwoman beats up some Jokers and shuts down Trump's ability to broadcast to Gotham. It makes Darkseid angry enough to return for some reason. Probably a metaphorical reason. Or an analogical reason. I think maybe my attention span is seriously slipping! And right when I'm getting to the part that's probably going to explain what the fuck is going on in this comic book.

Superboy destroys Darkseid by calling him an old fart. Also maybe a little bit by blasting him with a new super power: neutron vision! Darkseid has now had his powers stripped so far back that a human bouncing a rock off of his head makes him bleed. But still he thinks, "I will manipulate these fools with my lofty words!" But then Greta Thunberg clenches her fist at him and Batwoman says, "You have no power here! We're thinking for ourselves now!" And then that's the end somehow.

Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child Rating: I can't comprehend what I just read. Maybe the point was that we shouldn't comprehend what other people want us to comprehend? Maybe it was an anti-propaganda story? Maybe it was just terrible writing pretending to be art? It's so hard to tell because it's trying so hard to be complex! Is it's complexity real or a facade? I can't tell! Maybe I should stick to easier things to understand, like James Joyce's Finnegans Wake or Alan Moore's 1300 page novel, Jerusalem, which I finished. Maybe that's Frank Miller's problem. Maybe he just didn't have enough pages to really get to the point he was trying to make. But then if he did have more pages, how many would he waste by simply repeating the same things over and over again? For those of you who haven't read this (or Superman: Year One), he does that a lot. Not in the good way that Tom King and Gertrude Stein repeat themselves. Just in a way that makes you think, "I got it! Superboy is right in Darkseid's brain." Maybe that's a poor example from this comic book because repeating that over and over works to show how painful Superboy's presence in Darkseid's brain is. But I assure you there were many other examples that I can't make excuses for. I just can't be bothered to dig back through the comic book to find them.

Superman: Year One: Book Three

Here's the back cover instead because I misread it as "We serve one purpose: Jesus," and I was ready to accept that.

Now that Frank Miller wrote Superman into a relationship that's going to fail last issue, do we need to spend half of this issue reading about the break up? Shit. Now I wish Gertrude Stein had done a Superman: Year One in the style of her short story, "Melanctha." That would be a Clark Kent I could really identify with. Constantly unsure about the life he truly desires, he spends most of his time complaining that his current life isn't it until he finds himself alone and unloved with all of his potential squandered. I guess it wouldn't be a great Superman book. But it would at least be true to the Superman I would wind up being.

My hope is that Lori becomes dissatisfied with Clark's sexual techniques and kicks him out of Atlantis. Then she tells Aquaman all about it. Aquaman's knowledge of how bad Superman is at boning then becomes the only reason Aquaman makes it into the Justice League. Superman spends years defending Aquaman as a good choice until, completely weary and humiliated for having gone to bat for the undersea joke that Aquaman is, Superman finally admits to fucking poorly so he can stop pretending to admire Aquaman.

The issue begins with Lois Lane piloting a submarine as she searches for Superman in mythical Atlantis. But then there's a terrible accident which Frank Miller describes with the pathos and gravitas the situation demands.

Due to the amount of lava and debris, I would have gone with "sharts."

Superman saves Lois Lane from dying under the ocean which probably means she's going to reward him with her big city sexual prowess. But before Superman can accept his reward for being a nice guy, he has to defeat a troop of Navy SEALS who have come to capture him. So everybody's looking for Superman now because he showed off a few too many times while training in the Navy and his commanding officer became jealous that the mermaids let Clark fuck them. So Superman's big enemies are the god Poseidon and the American military, both because Lori Lemaris chose to fuck Superman instead of them.

You might think I'm concentrating too much on Superman fucking the women he saved, and people being upset that they didn't get to fuck those women. If you are thinking that, it's probably because you haven't actually read Frank Miller's Superman: Year One. You'd totally understand that it's not me who is obsessed with Superman getting laid for fighting for truth, justice, and the American Way (honorably discharged version). It's apparently the entire theme of Frank Miller's Superman story.

I just realized that I was going to make a Batman sucking Superman dick's joke based on the cover but then I didn't scan the cover. Oh well! Lesson learned!

Any time somebody says, "Lesson learned," you should immediately ask them, "Oh? What was that then?" I bet most of the time, they won't be able to explain how they learned anything.

The good thing about the cover of Book Three is that it was drawn by Frank Miller. And no matter what you think of Frank Miller's art, you have to agree (or at least better agree or we're going to have a problem) that it's better than John Romita Jr's art and better than Frank Miller's writing.

After beating up the Navy SEALS and rescuing Lois Lane, Clark Kent winds up graduating from college and interning at the Daily Planet. Don't ask me what happened to Lori Lemaris and Atlantis! I guess it was such a terrible break-up that even Frank Miller doesn't want to write about it.

You can tell how dumb a person is by how much they defend Trump and blame the mainstream media. The fucking mainstream media bends over backwards not to point out just how fucking ignorant Trump is about everything!

Stepping away from the comic itself for a moment, here's what John Romita Jr had to say about this comic book after it was announced amidst a lot of "eye-rolls and groans" at San Diego Comic-Con. "The cynics that don't like my artwork or Frank's work were everywhere on the social media. Now we'll see what they have to say, because this is damn fresh, and I'm really proud of it." Well, I didn't have anything to say about it before reading it. I even bought it mostly knowing that I wasn't going to enjoy it even though I always hope that I enjoy everything I purchase as entertainment! Why else would I bother if not to hopefully be surprised and elated? Well, let me tell you, I was not surprised nor elated. Superman in the Navy might be fresh but it's also pretty fucking stupid. The whole idea was that Superman would join the Navy so he could see the world? But then he spends his entire time training in California where he learns he doesn't want to kill people after battling pirates in the Pacific waters off of the coast of California? Also he fucks mermaids during that time because why the fuck not? Now imagine reading all of that while looking at John Romita Jr's terrible facial expressions. The announcement of this comic book with this creative team should have garnered a lot more than groans and eye-rolls. There should have been jerking off motions as well.

Working at the Daily Planet with Lois Lane (who, if you remember from the part where I said she wants to fuck him, wants to fuck him), Clark Kent realizes he needs a disguise. So Frank Miller makes sure to explain how the hat and glasses work as a disguise. The hat "changes his silhouette" and the glasses are just "the geek factor" he needs. The whole "dress to unimpress" angle is the disguise. Fucking bullshit. We all know that the glasses and the outfit are the least part of the disguise. He needs to discuss how he changes his posture, how he acts clumsy, how he puts on the air of naive farm boy, how he's terrible at pleasing a woman in bed. These are all aspects that work to make it unbelievable that he could be Superman. Christopher Reeves in Superman nails all of these aspects and I wish writers would be more upfront about how Clark Kent's disguise is less about the accouterments and more about the act Clark puts on.

Superman begins deciding how to fight crime now that he's come to Metropolis. And his logic goes like this: "What do criminals want? Money! Where is the money? Banks!" And just like that, he becomes the protector of corporate America! He even thinks, "Never mind the third rate muggers and street swindlers." No wonder Batman doesn't respect this asshole! A third rate mugger killed Batman's parents and Superman is all, "Bah, they're harmless! Better get the guys going after the money that's insured!" Fuck this Superman!

Next Superman goes after street level drug makers. That's better, I guess, but couldn't he go after the pharmaceutical industry itself?

What the fuck is "factory brand duct tape"? Having managed a warehouse on the Netscape campus back in the 90s, I'd say they should be wrapped in shrink wrap.

This morning, I discovered Carrot Cake flavored Oreos. It was nice living without diabetes but I must say goodbye to those years now.

Later, Superman stops a man from abusing his wife and kids. I don't find out if she thanks him with her sex. But from what the previous chapters of this story have taught me, she did.

After that, Superman frees some hostages from a hostage situation that was set-up by Lex Luthor so he could meet Superman. Lex manipulates Superman into working for him to stop Batman. Why does Lex care about Gotham and Batman? I don't know! I don't even really know how Lex manipulates Superman! And I don't think it's because I'm too stupid to follow the story. I'm pretty sure I'm smart enough to understand a comic book! But this comic book feels like a bunch of pages are missing. Hell, Superman's first words to Lex Luthor upon meeting him for the first time are "You're a damned liar!" What did he lie about? When did he ever say anything to Superman? What the fuck is going on?!

Over in Gotham, Batman uses a gun. Okay. Whatever. Let's wrap this shit up.

Here's a terrible picture of Superman since I can't write about a story I can't follow.

The gist of the rest of the story is that Lex Luthor is tired of Batman and Superman foiling his crimes. So he decides to convince Superman that Batman is a jerk. After they get done killing each other, Lex Luthor will profit. Not that he isn't profiting already. But he'll profit more, I guess?

Superman lands in Gotham to speak with Batman and Batman instantly tries to kill him. Oh yeah, Frank Miller totally understands these characters. Batman wants justice but is willing to kill Superman because Superman wants to talk to him. And Superman goes around doing good while constantly thinking, "I'll show them!" and "I could kill these guys!" and "Which other woman should I save so I can fuck her?"

Batman tries all kinds of violence on Superman while telling Superman smarts are what counts. If only he'd use some and realize he can't hurt this guy. This might be the dumbest version of Batman I've ever seen.

Eventually Wonder Woman arrives to point out to these two blockheads that maybe they should stop fighting and work together to make the world a better place. Batman is all, "Well, I can't hurt him anyway so I guess I'll work with him." And Superman is all, "How is she stronger than me? She doesn't need rescuing from anybody. Has she ever gotten laid?!"

The issue basically ends with Wonder Woman telling Superman that she's ready to fuck him after he goes into space to learn to fuck (by fighting Brainiac?) and Batman telling Luthor he hopes he gets raped in prison. So exactly the way I'd expect a Frank Miller Superman comic book to end.

I wish I were right popular in high school.

Superman: Year One: Book Three Rating: What I learned from this comic book is that every woman in the DCU wants to fuck Superman and every man in the DCU is jealous of all the women Superman gets to fuck. What I also learned is that I should have read this series before purchasing Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child. I'd still like to know what happened between Clark and Lori. I guess he just left her the same way he left Lana and the same way he left Wonder Woman (who he fell in love with immediately, I guess?).

Superman: Year One: Book Two

John Romita Jr finally giving up and sending this cover as finished: "Maybe all the fucking teeth will distract from Superman's leg."

Last issue ended with Superman joining the Navy. I know. I'm still fucking reeling from that revelation myself. Superman. In the Navy. I would type out the lyrics to The Village People song now but I'm afraid I don't actually know any of them and my version would just be a bunch of gay jokes. Oh, what the hell.

In the Navy! You can sail the seven seas!
In the Navy! You can get down on your knees!
In the Navy! In the Navy!

I should stop before I get too graphic about the Navy. I've had friends in the Army and the things they say Navy men do with sheep is simply disgusting. Although where do they get the sheep? Wouldn't those stories be more believable if they were about dolphins?

Maybe it was my friend in the Marines who told me the Navy's relationship with sheep. Probably to distract from all the rumors about what the Marines get up to with Navy men and their sheep.

My friend who was in the Navy never said anything about sheep which seems suspicious, right? Like he was hiding something! But he does have a habit of reciting poetry to people at parties which — let's face it — is more shameful than sheep fucking.

Hopefully nobody was upset about me seeming to make a joke out of being homosexual. Because I wasn't doing that! The Village People are gay so their songs are about gay lifestyle. Sure, I don't know the actual lyrics but at least I was keeping to the spirit of the group! Anyway, I don't think a man sucking another man's dick should be considered a gay act. It should simply be considered a lovely humanitarian thing to do for a friend.

No razor made by humans can cut Superman's hair! I bet he had to will his hair to fall out as they attempted to cut it.

The Navy officers pick Clark to train as a sniper because Clark doesn't know how to not be perfect at everything he does. I guess when Pa told him not to show off or to stand out, Clark wasn't really listening. But now that he's in the Navy, I guess he's contractually obligated to kill loads and loads of non-Americans with his super abilities.

I don't get this whole "Clark Kent joins the Navy" story arc. At first, I thought it was a way for Clark to meet Aquaman. Now I just think it's a way for Miller to showcase his weird sea-fucking kink.

If you've ever been to the ocean with Frank Miller, you've swam in his jizz.

I could never find the ocean sexy. The most terrifying experience I've ever had was getting caught on a boogie board out past the breakers of the Pacific after the sun went down. I had to constantly stop myself considering what might be lurking under the black mirrored surface of the ocean as I tried to keep calm and paddle back towards the lights of Santa Cruz. I was out there with my buddy Larry who killed himself earlier this year. My theory is that he never could get that nightmare experience out of his head. Or maybe it was depression. Sure, you're probably putting your money on depression. That's exactly something somebody who never floated on the ocean in the darkness of night would do.

Clark notices mermaids swimming out in the ocean and one of his officers is all, "Yeah, boy. Mermaids! Sometimes guys try to fuck 'em but then they drown and we report them lost at sea and nobody asks no questions. You got me?!" And Clark is all, "Yes, sir! Don't try to fuck the mermaids, sir!"

Clark decides that since he isn't allowed to fuck the mermaids, he should head into town and start a bar brawl. Clark meets a woman who's working on publishing a story about Navy guys who hang out in bars and defend women from civilians who get too handsy with female reporters. Clark once again finds himself overwhelmingly horny. Oh, not for the woman! But for the idea of being a reporter! He's just too young to realize that he's not into woman; he's into bylines and columns and exposés. But before he can fuck a newspaper, Clark blocks a punch some jerk throws at him, breaking the guy's arm (just like that fight he got in high school! Is this good writing where we see echoes of the character's past history or bad writing where the writer just can't think of new plot points? Who can tell?!), and starting an all out brawl. He walks the reporter home afterward, dreaming about that black ink coming off on his cock and balls.

The next day, the training officer threatens to shoot him for causing trouble. Seems like an appropriate response. I guess Clark is learning that the military doesn't keep anybody safe. It's just a violent place where young people with no real hope of succeeding in civilian life go to gain instant meaning and heroic praise from others. That's like the opposite of journalism where young people with lofty ideals about changing the world by exposing truth and justice go to never actually do that and instead just parrot the lies told them by politicians because they don't understand the difference between being impartial and simply being a loudspeaker for misinformation.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Frank Miller has me so confused. I mean, Clark Kent is in the Navy! What the fuck is going on in Superman's First Year?! Wait. This is all happening in just one year? It's because Superman grows super fast under a yellow sun, right?

After being treated like shit by his commanding officer, Clark decides to go fuck some mermaids. That'll show him!

Just another reason why Aquaman is a redundant piece of Justice League shit.

Why did DC decide to call this comic book "Superman: Year One"? I would have called it "Frank Miller's Stupid Version of Superman by Frank Miller."

Underwater, Clark Kent meets Lori Lemaris. She leads him back to Atlantis where an experimental submarine has crashed into the city. Also, I don't know if this will soon be an important plot point but Clark Kent is suddenly wearing a huge watch on his left wrist. Up until the moment he dives in the ocean, Clark has never worn a watch in this series. How else is he going to be dealing with Atlantis's problems when he'll suddenly look at his wrist and say, "Jeezly crow! I've got to get back to base! I'll be back tomorrow night to fuck more mermaids! And help rebuild if I'm not too sleepy afterward"?

"The smell of fish poontang washes across Clark's senses, threatening to remove him from Atlantis and plop him down in Boner City."

What kind of an editor takes a look at the previous panel and doesn't ask, "Why, out of nowhere, are you discussing Clark's ability to stifle his sense of smell to keep from being distracted in a panel that depicts Lori Lemaris's ass?" It's a fair question.

Clark looks at his watch and thinks, "Jeezly Crow! I've only got a few hours before bugle! I guess I can help rebuild Atlantis before then!"

Once again, Clark's reward for saving a woman in trouble is sex with that woman. This might be a problematic message. Clark saves Lana from violent men. Clark bangs Lana. Clark saves the reporter from violent men. Clark bangs the reporter. Clark saves Lori Lemaris's ruined city from violent men and their submarines. Clark bangs Lori. I always suspected that sex was an expected reward for acting chivalrous! Thanks, Frank Miller, for justifying all the times I called a woman a bitch because she wouldn't sleep with me after I saved her by beating up a guy that had just called her a bitch!

This is the Internet so I should probably explain that the previous sentence was a satirical critique of Miller's problematic message. I mean, sure, impressing a potential sexual partner is a good way to get that person interested in becoming your sexual partner! So the Lori Lemaris plea for Clark to fuck her hard after he helps isn't the worst depiction of a relationship. But having two other women saved by Clark from brutes who are threatening non-consensual sex reward Clark with sex is the worst depiction of a relationship. Also, the story doesn't explicitly state that Clark and the journalist from the bar have sex. But I can read between the panel breaks!

A critical review aside: Frank Miller's narration in this series is confusing. Sometimes it's in third person and then it flips over to first person without the current narrative thought changing at all. It reads as sloppy, probably because it is sloppy.

Clark and his fellow Navy SEAL recruits go on an emergency mission to kill some pirates. Clark watches a bunch of pirates get shot in the head but he doesn't pull the trigger so nobody can accuse him of having killed a man. In fact, he saves a bunch of men by holding a grenade in his hands as it blows. But because he refused to kill on command, he's discharged from the Navy. I guess the American military doesn't have time for people who won't follow an order to murder.

Before Clark leaves the Navy, his commanding officer decides to give him some good advice about using his talents to help put fires out instead of causing more. Odd advice coming from a guy so hell bent on threatening to kill Clark and screaming at Clark to kill everybody he meets. I guess he's a complex character!

After Clark leaves the Navy, he walks into the ocean to battle Poseidon for the hand of his daughter, Lori. Poseidon doesn't want Clark fucking his daughter because he wants to fuck his daughter. That's not something I made up the way I make up so many other things. Frank Miller made that bit up. I don't know why. Couldn't Poseidon have just not wanted his daughter marrying a non-Atlantean instead of making it about Poseidon wanting to be the only person fucking his daughter? Luckily Clark defeats Poseidon's Krakens so no father fucks their own daughter in this series, no matter how much I bet Frank Miller's original script read, "Poseidon fucks his daughter. A lot. Over and over. Oh boy! What a hit this comic is going to be!"

In the end, Poseidon leaves the throne to pout and plot his revenge against Clark and the entire surface world. Clark and Lori settle down to rule Atlantis for as long as it takes me to read the third and final issue where, I'm certain, Clark will leave Lori to pursue his true love: writing opinion pieces about Superman for the Daily Planet.

Superman: Year One: Book Two Rating: The first issue wasn't so bad that I didn't not want to read the second issue. But this issue was so terrible that I'm not sure I'll have the patience to write about the third issue. If I never post a review of the Book Three, it's because I just couldn't bare to think more than superficially about Frank Miller's writing. Also I might have simply thrown myself off of a building because John Romita Jr's art was so fucking terrible.

Superman: Year One: Book One

I can't wait to find out why Superman shoved Jim Gordon's head up his ass!

Most of the time, I don't think, "I fucking hate myself." But then I'll purchase a comic book written by Frank Miller and drawn by John Romita Jr. and I think, "Well, obviously I'm wrong about that."

I haven't been reading too many comic books lately because I've been reading Alan Moore's Jerusalem which is not a comic book at all but a 1300 page book. The thing about a 1300 page book is that 1300 is a lot of pages to read. It's a daunting task! Just ask anybody you know who has read 1300 pages. You probably don't know anybody because you only know comic book nerds and they only read regular books if they're called things like Secrets of the Marvel Universe and DC: They Ain't Fucking Marvel!. I've read both of those books and, let me tell you, they don't actually exist.

Anyway, Alan Moore's Jerusalem was fucking fantastic. No, no. It was fucking fucking fan-fucking-tastic! It was like eating a half gram of magic mushrooms and then sitting on the floor in the middle of a raucous house party, just absorbing the frantic movements and warbling sounds. Unless it was better than that. Although I can't think of anything better than that. Possibly the best time I ever had was sitting on the floor while on mushrooms in the middle of my friend Jason Beymer's house while his sister's rager erupted all around me. I was fucking content. I was the Buddha under the fig tree. I was Christ on the cross. I was Mohammad wherever Mohammad found his bliss. With his cougar first wife, maybe?

Technically I have yet to finish Jerusalem. There's a chapter called "Round the Bend" which was Moore's attempt to write his own version of Finnegans Wake. It's fucking insane and I'm slowly making my way through it with copious notes. I've created a table with three columns for my notes as I read the chapter slowly, one sentence at a time. In the first column, I type the original sentence. In the second column, I type my literal interpretation of the sentence. And in the third column, I discuss what both the text and the subtext might be suggesting. It's a brilliant piece of writing that I think is worth the extended amount of time I'll be devoting to it.

All that being said, I need a little reading downtime before I begin A.R. Moxon's The Revisionaries. So I'm reading Superman: Year One! This probably doesn't have any non-white-supremacy subtext at all! So it shouldn't be too hard to get through.

DC Comics printed Superman: Year One as a magazine sized book for their Black Label, um, label? What is it with DC and redundancy? "Hey, people already call us DC Comics to differentiate us from other DCs even if pedants often complain about how redundant it is. What if we really piss off the pedants by calling our new adult comic book line 'Black Label'? Then people will have to refer to the DC comic with the Black Label label on it!" probably said Dan DiDio. And then Geoff Johns was all, "Man, I hate when I'm sexing my hot lover and my hot lover is all, 'Let's do ATM mouth!' Idiot!"

Dammit! I was making a point when I fucking interrupted myself with my DC offices fan fiction. I was going to point out how I'm going to be severely disappointed when there aren't any boobs or vaginas or dicks in this comic book. The only time I ever read magazine sized comic books was when I wanted to jerk off to cartoons and picked up a copy of Heavy Metal.

The story begins as all stories do: with the death of a planet and a small baby being shoved into a rocket and shot off into space. This baby understands way more than I think most babies tend to understand. It's hard to know for sure because nobody remembers being a baby and science doesn't really understand things like brains and babies and baby's brains. But this baby is a science fiction baby from another planet so I really can't complain if it already knows concepts like "partying" and "celebrating" and "donkey punching" and "billions of stars." Those are probably all concepts on the Kryptonian See and Say toy.

Before the baby exits the rocket after landing in a field in rural Kansas (that's the part of Kansas that isn't Kansas City or Wichita), the rocket speaks to him. I'm pretty sure it's his dad speaking to him in a recording since it calls him "my son" but I don't want to make any assumptions that might leave me vulnerable with Interent critics who like to criticize other Internet critics. Maybe the rocket thinks it's the baby's mother and is about to give birth to it on its new homeworld. Anyway, the voice tells the baby to wake up because "a world awaits. A world that needs you. A world you must save [...] from itself." I mean, really? Was that a necessary part of the story? Did the baby need that kind of pressure and meaning forced onto it so soon in its young life? And how, by the way, did the baby's dad or rocket ship know that this world needed to be saved? Was he (or it!) just projecting Krypton's terrible history onto this new planet? Obviously if it's a planet, it's going to need to be saved because the people on it are just going to ignore the mad scientists when they say the world is dying.

Seriously though! Why begin the comic book by telling Superbaby that he needs to save this world from itself? It seems like a clunky way of trying to force all of what makes Superman special into a few brief lines. "Hey, reader! Superman is here to save the world! It's his destiny!" How about just letting Superbaby have a father who was grateful that he could save his child from Krypton's destruction? Then you let Superbaby grow up and learn, from his Earth parents, right and wrong. Let him learn about truth and justice. Let him learn empathy and compassion. Then when he makes the choice to sacrifice a huge part of his existence in making Earth a better place, ita actually means something. But having a recorded message tell him he needs to save the world from itself before he's even learned not to shit his own pants seems a bit of crap writing desperate to make thematic points.

Jonathan Kent isn't a kind and generous man who wanted to take care of a baby. I mean, maybe he was but what does it even matter if something else is manipulating his actions?

Do audiences enjoy stories where characters are manipulated by Gods or destiny to become the thing they're meant to become to do the thing they're meant to do or is this just writers being too lazy to let a story tell itself along the way? My view of audiences would be severely diminished if it could get any lower and also if I were to believe they preferred stories about Chosen Ones rather than regular people who rise to the occasion to do something heroic. What makes a story better if we learn that the hero was always meant to be the hero? Isn't it more rewarding to have heroes like Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee who struggled to do what was right with no guarantee that they were cosmically destined to succeed? The only thing this whole idea that there has to be some thing (or Thing) manipulating events from behind the curtain is remove free will from the hero's actions, thus making the hero nothing more than an automaton programmed to succeed.

Jonathan brings the baby home and Martha is all, "Whelp! I guess we have a kid now! Praise Jesus!" And Jon is all, "Praise Jesus and his might rocket ship from Heaven!" And both of them feel slightly guilty because of all the times they cursed God for giving them faulty reproductive organs. Jon and Martha are still young so at least they can pretend that they kept faith that God would provide them a child. But I bet if they had been creeping up on the age of Abraham when he finally boinked the help, they would have fucked up God's plan too!

Jon and Martha quickly begin calling each other Ma and Pa because why not? It's not like anybody is going to somehow come along and take their new space baby away from them! They found it and so it's as good as theirs. It's not like Kansas has any laws on the books that say you can't keep a baby you found in a field that fell out of the sky in an alien rocket ship. Are there? Probably not, right? And even if there are, nobody in town seems to question where the fuck Jon and Martha got a kid.

Oh yeah. I'm supposed to believe Clark can feel hot oatmeal. What flavor is it? Kryptonite? I mean, it is green.

Stupid penis! Every time I turn the page, it keeps thinking we're going to see thick chicks on space motorcycles with their tits flopping out and huge bushes streaming out from between their thighs! This isn't Heavy Metal, you stupid organ! I blame my brain for constantly thinking while reading this, "This comic book magazine sure would be better with more tits."

Between being a toddler and the first day of high school, nothing important happens. I mean, some important things probably happen. Like Clark's first wet dream. But Frank Miller doesn't think that's important enough to make the story. I don't know why. I want to see Ma asking Kent why he hid his sheets out in the field and also why he was re=plastering the ceiling of his bedroom.

In high school, all the kids start talking about how amazing Clark Kent is. But he hangs out with the fat kid and the goth kid and the other kids that are probably losers in ways that I can't tell by John Romita Jr's art. They all just kind of look like John Romita Jr people. I think they others are misfits because one wears glasses and the other one is black and the other one is Latino. That just means they don't fit in with the white rural farm kids, I guess? I don't know how high school works in rural America. I grew up in Silicon Valley. Our nerds were the white kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Our popular kids were the Filipinos who were style conscious when most of us still weren't wearing deodorant or washing our hair regularly enough. I would see them hanging out at lunch and think, "How do they get their hair to stay so high and look so good?!" If only I had known that part of that answer was simply, "They wash it regularly," maybe I wouldn't have been a big misfit loser jerk!

Clark sees the bullies picking on little Pete Ross (you have to say that in a high-pitched sneering voice. Unless you don't want to be a bully. Do you not want to be a bully?) and decides, "Enough is enough!" Even though he's not supposed to stand out or else the government will take him away to do experiments on him, he has to end the rash of bullying at Smallville High School! This looks like a job for Clark Kent! I don't think he's decided to call himself Superboy yet.

Apparently nobody in town knows how to stop a bunch of asshole kids from bullying other kids. It's just one of those Earth problems that can't be solved by Earthlings! It must be Clark Kent's destiny to stop bullying once and for all! And that's what Clark does. He takes the novel approach that nobody thought of and asks the bullies, "Hey? Could you stop picking on my friends?" Sure, that doesn't work. They just see it as Clark starting a fight. So they oblige him and throw a few punches. Clark blocks one and the bully's wrist breaks. So now the bullies realize they can't win and stop bullying! Yay!

Except they don't. They just bully even harder because why not? They're shitting on other people because their life is shit. Why would they not increase the shitting if something happened in their life to make their life even shittier?! Something like Clark "Break a Boy's Bones" Kent!

Why do they seem so happy about Carlos being called a spic and getting his tooth knocked out?! Fucking asshole weirdos!

Lana tells Clark she has a plan to stop the bullies. Her plan involves journalism! She has pictures of the bullies assaulting the weirdos and she thinks they can get the police to listen to them. But the goth weirdo overhears their plans and he's a big weirdo traitor! I guess if he snitches on the weirdos, he doesn't get beat up. I bet he's going to become a supervillain some day.

When Lana leaves her house at night thinking she's going to meet Clark, she's set upon by the bullies! They steal her pictures and threaten to rape her. These aren't just bullies! They're criminal psychopaths and I'm sorry I tried to understand their bully behavior earlier! I was thinking, "Maybe this story will be about the ambiguities of youth and how hard it is to navigate the world between childhood and adulthood, especially when you have serious issues with your parents and home life and self-esteem!" Instead I should have been thinking, "Clark and the weirdos are Good with a capital "G" and the bullies are Evil with a capital "E"! Hopefully the story will make this explicit so that I can truly just hate the bullies and not mind when Clark drowns them in the reservoir! And the best way for a narrative to help me understand how evil they are is if they commit attempted rape!" Whew! I sure am glad to know that whatever Clark does to them now, they totally deserve it! I'd hate for Clark to have to come up with a real life solution that stops the bullying and teaches the bullies how to cope with their own problems without resorting to small violences against other kids!

After saving Lana from being raped, Clark seems to insinuate that maybe Lana should fuck him as thanks. He's all, "Let me court you!" And she's all, "Whatever." And he's all, "Sleep tight!" And she's all, "Yeah. Sure. I'll sleep. Tight." I think that means she's going to masturbate? I'm not good at sexual innuendo but I figured it must be because the very next panel begins like this:

That's definitely sexual innuendo!

Kent forgets that he's supposed to be stopping the bullies because he starts dating Lana. They sneak off and Clark closes his eyes and pulls out his penis and is all, "Just touch it Lana!" And she's all, "Mmmph mmph mmmph!" And he's all, "Please! Just touch it!" And she's all, "Mmph mmmph mmph!" And he opens his eyes and realizes his penis is in Lana's mouth and he blows her brains all over the field with his load.

Later, after my fantasy is concluded, I return to the actual story where they only kiss. Lame.

After high school ends, Clark joins the navy. But not after banging Lana Lang all night! And that's not something I made up! It's right there in the comic book!

Superman: Year One: Book One Rating: It was a bit treacly but not super bad. Ha ha!. But I still don't know if the bullies ever got their comeuppance! Was I supposed to be satisfied with Clark bloodying a few noses and then saying to Lana, "We'll use reporting to get them good!"? How disappointing!

DK III: The Master Race #9

Did anybody else get the Frank Miller Jizzed All Over the Cover Variant?

If somebody were to have traveled through time to tell me thirty years ago that the Dark Knight Returns would shit all over itself in the subsequent sequels, I would have said, "What's the Dark Knight Returns?" That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I certainly hadn't read the series when it came out. I did own at least two of the four books though! Probably because there was so much hype surrounding them! I just never got around to reading them. I mean, I eventually did! But I might have been looking past the comic book at my current crush and didn't really absorb anything I was reading. You know what? I should probably reread that series. Maybe I was wrong to be disappointed by this series! Maybe The Dark Knight Returns isn't actually as good as everybody almost always claims it is! Maybe it's just as poorly paced and boring as this story!

You know what? I should probably reread this story too! Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, "I wonder what that butt smells like?" You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, "So, how did I do?!" And you're all, "My pants are ruined!" Then they make that face that says, "We probably won't be talking for awhile." And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making.

By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" Boy, won't you look stupid!

Currently in DK III: The Master Race (Kryptonian! The Master Race is Kryptonian! Unless it's the Amazons. Maybe it's just rich white guys. I don't know!), the Kandorians have decided to eat nuclear fuel and explode so that they can destroy Earth. It's possible this is a thinly veiled allegory about Islamic terrorism but I'm not prepared to talk about serious issues here. Let's just pretend that these extremist Kryptonians who are threatening to blow up the world because nobody would acquiesce to follow their stupid rules is simply that. No reason to ruin a mediocre comic book with controversial issues! I don't know what part of the issues would be controversial because I said I'm not getting into that. You can decide what part of the allegory that isn't actually an allegory is the worst part of the non-existent allegory. Me? I'm just going to finish reading this story that's only about Batman saving the world from aliens and that's all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ixnay on the alfhay-eedbray! I'm trying to keep this lighthearted!

Somehow, Batman knew exactly where the Kandorians would blow themselves up after they lost the battle with the Amazons. I probably missed the part where he figured that out. He's the master detective, after all. I'm the guy who gets easily distracted while reading comic books and misses whole chunks of things he just read. When he arrives, he uses the Bat Sonic Cannon to wake up all the bats below the Kandorians. If there's one thing that can easily destroy a Kryptonian, it's kryptonite. So I guess the bats are full of kryptonite!

The Kandorians react to the bats by blasting them with heat vision. Batman is worse to bats than Aquaman is to dolphins. But since bats can't take much heat vision before completely disintegrating, most of the heat ray blasts just hit other Kandorians. They all get hit by some other Kandorians panicky laser eyes and they all wind up beaten and bruised on the desert floor. That was a pretty good plan, Batman! Except for all the dead bats. Kind of a dick move, that.

Most of the Kandorians finally say, "Fuck this bullshit!", and try to leave. They thought taking over the world was going to be easy. It might have been if this comic book had been called "Kandorians: The Master Race." But instead it was called "DICK III: The Master Race." So you know what that means.

It's better just to leave it at that since I don't have anything pithy to say. Besides, you probably came up with a good answer yourself in the hopes of guessing what I was going to say.

Before the Kandorians can fly back into their bottle (or wherever they were headed. I mean, really. Where did they think they were going to go if they couldn't take over the Earth?), Quar and his generals turn them into ash with their superior heat vision. That's convenient! It would have been pretty hard for Batman and Superman to deal with all of those Kryptonians if they couldn't kill them. Although I think Dark Knight Batman is okay with killing when it's needed.

Superman beats the crap out Quar's last soldiers so they decide to set off the bombs in their tummies. Who can save them now?! The Atom? Green Lantern? The Hawkpersons? Wonder Woman? Aquaman? The Flash? Hmm, who else has been mentioned in this comic book so far? That's all I can remember! I don't think Plastic Man has made an appearance although he'd be the go-to guy for throwing himself over a bunch of Kryptonians going nuclear to shield the world from the blast. That guy can do anything. He can even look like a fire hydrant!

The hero turns out to be The Atom! He suddenly grows up around everybody and shrinks all the Kandorians into itty-bitty microscopic bombs that barely exude any radiation at all! I guess. I mean, I don't know how all that shrinking stuff works but apparently it doesn't just make the bombs tinier with the same potential for destruction.

Quar decides it's now time to blow up but Lara grabs him and flies him up into outer space. I guess that's how she atones for being a huge jerk for the last eight issues. Now her parents can be proud of her and Batman can say, "Well, I guess we know who the master race really is now!" Then, to make sure everybody understands, he'll point to Atom and himself.

After the battle, Superman disappears, Batgirl changes her costume so it doesn't look so stupid and then changes her name to Batwoman, and Batman is all, "I'm a less arrogant jerk!" That would be the end of the comic book except DC, once again, decided that we needed a bunch of duplicate pages without the color. Dammit, DC Comics! Fill that space with Frank Miller art so I can laugh at it! I almost thought that was the plan this time with the Frank Miller Lara pinup but then I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't planning on being disappointed but then you had to put the pinup in and get my hopes up. I hate you, DC Comics.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Detective Comics #1

This is already my new favorite comic book.

Even though the main issue was completely boring and barely worth reading, this mini-issue inside DK III #8 has made up for the bigger book's failings in the cover alone. What do you think this villain's name is? Swastika Tits? Lightning Labia? Hate-Fuck? I bet Catwoman is going to be so jealous of her. Especially after what she'll almost certainly do to Batman's penis in this issue.

I hope this is the pornographic comic book by Frank Miller that I was wishing for last month!

Ooh la la! Or whatever the German version of that French exclamation is.

That probably turned you on like the creep you are, right? So let me change the subject for a second to cool you off.

I had Chinese food on Saturday night which obviously means I ate a fortune cookie (or two!) afterward. For some reason, they always bring more cookies than there are people so my niece eats as many of the extra ones as she can. Somehow I managed to get two myself. I secretly hoped that my fortunes would be completely opposite of each other since, I think, that means you will die on the spot. And at this point, I'll take any easy way out to end the numbing mundanity of existence. Instead, my fortunes were two of the best I've ever gotten. The first was "Behind an able man. There are always." Right?! That's one is so spot on that I could never dream of getting a better fortune than that. And yet I did! The next fortune read, "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Oh boy! I'm finally going to get laid! Possibly by a bear!

This paragraph is where I'd get back to talking about the comic book but there really isn't any more to say. I probably should have just enjoyed the cover and not ruined the entire experience by reading the comic. It's even more rambling and incoherent than the main book. I suppose that isn't a surprised since I think Frank Miller is given even more leeway in the writing of these mini-comics. I feel like he just draws a bunch of panels that occur to him as he strains to get out his twice weekly, rock-hard shits and then scripts around the finished panels. Then Azzarello goes in and corrects all of the spelling errors and takes out the various racial epithets that almost certainly weren't crucial to the plot. I'm sure he tried to talk Frank out of drawing swastikas on the antagonist's tits and ass but there are some battles Frank Miller isn't willing to lose. Hell, he probably has it in his contract with DC that he gets to draw a minimum number of swastikas in this series.

DK III: The Master Race #8

I've never read the second Dark Knight series so this is the most disappointing comic book series I've ever read.

I didn't say it was the worst! I said the most disappointing!

Batman died last issue. But this comic book isn't about Wonder Woman or Superman or Batgirl or The Flash or Green Lantern or the fishy one. It's about Batman. So in order to make sure people actually purchased this issue, the last issue ended with Batman being tossed in a Lazarus Pit by Superman. I guess that proves that Superman loves Batman and can't live without him. You know Batman wouldn't have done the same thing for Superman. Batman probably would have high-fived Lex Luthor.

Having failed to subjugate and kill a bunch of humans, the Kandorians have decided to attempt something even harder: take on the Amazons. I've got to say, that's pretty ballsy. I rarely ever get too tired walking to the store and think, "Well, forget that. I guess I'll go do a triathlon instead!" For some reason, the Kandorians want Wonder Woman's baby boy. Probably because it's also Superman's baby. Maybe the Kandorians are simply assuming the Amazons will be all, "Please! Take the penis off our hands! It's ruining everything!"

Superman hears about the attack and flies off to save his baby. Batman and Batgirl decide to drive. But probably not to Amazonia! That would be ridiculous. They're probably going to enact some super secret and intelligent plan that Batman has ready to go. He is the Jeezly Crow Batman, after all, and this is his book.

The Amazons destroy the Kandorian army and nobody is surprised. What the hell were they thinking? Is Quar the dumbest super villain to ever grace the pages of a DC comic book?

After the battle, The Flash lets Superman and Wonder Woman know that Quar and the last remaining Kandorians have eaten some nuclear bombs and have gathered somewhere to blow up the world because they suck at winning. They're probably sitting on top of The Daily Planet because that's in driving distance of Gotham. Batman probably already knew that was where the endgame was going to take place.

The Ranking!
No change! For $5.99, nothing really happens in this comic book. Why am I even bothering? It's not like Frank Miller is drawing it so I can feel giddily disturbed by his grotesque caricatures! And I don't think Azzarello is really guiding the story as much as organizing Frank Miller's rambling ideas. I think DC also finds the fans of the Dark Knight contemptible because they fill the last five or six pages with uncolored artwork directly lifted from the previous pages. Why do I care about that?! You know what I wouldn't mind so much? If the last five or six pages were Frank Miller's depiction of five or six of the previous pages! Come on, DC! Don't you have anybody working for you that can come up with good ideas?!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Strange Adventures #1

What kind of a shitty alternate universe is this if Hawkman is still alive? Zero stars.

I would pay good money to read a pornographic comic book drawn by Frank Miller. I would also pay good money to make everybody listen to me read it as I scream, "OH GROSS! THAT CAN'T BE WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE, CAN IT?! AND WHY IS THAT PENIS SO MUSCULAR?!"

For those of you who don't understand things unless they're completely explained to you (and then still don't believe them because you first thought something else and will never stop believing your own assumptions and instincts over mere facts and authorial explanations), I'm not saying vaginas are ugly. I love vaginas. They are beautiful and terrific and if anybody wants to introduce me to one, let me know. The joke is that Frank Miller's art is terrible and if he drew a vagina, I imagine it would look monstrous. Now everybody who instantly thought I was saying vaginas are ugly should look deep inside themselves and admit that they don't know everything instantly and their deconstruction of every statement they come across is probably distorted by their own issues and worldview.

The Hawkcouple are flying over the desert where they come across Hal Jordan wandering like a Bedouin. Unless Bedouins don't wander at all and he's just dressed like one. Unless Bedouins don't dress like that. Maybe I should never have mentioned Bedouins at all since I'm almost completely ignorant of them and their culture and their sexual proclivities.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, these two are into some really weird ass stuff.

This Hawkman and Hawkwoman are brother and sister. They might still be a Hawkcouple so I'm not going to go back and correct myself. Until I know for sure that they aren't fucking and spraying diarrhea farts into each other's faces, I'm sticking to my guns.

Hawkbrother doesn't wear a shirt so neither does Hawksister. Now that's equality. I'm all for other people's sisters not wearing shirts. But mine should always wear a shirt. Two shirts even.

The Hawkcouple are just in this comic book long enough to point out that they shouldn't be in this comic book. Then they fly off leaving Hal Jordan to search for his ring alone. Except that they come back to help him when he steals his ring from the new owner! So I guess they should have been in this comic book. It's just weird that they're all, "We can't help him!" Then they're all, "We need to help him!" So, you know, they help Hal Jordan recover his hand with the ring on it. He also winds up getting a light construct Batmite as a sidekick for some reason. It probably makes sense if you're as old as Frank Miller.

The Ranking!
The tile of this comic book was Strange Adventures and it was definitely a strange adventure so I should judge it accordingly. It definitely did what it set out to do! Also, I think I saw one of Hawksister's nipples.

DK III: The Master Race #7

Batman died last issue so, of course, here he is on the cover! It is called D(ic)K III for a reason! Nobody is buying it for just Superman.

I spent way too long making the following terrible Photoshop so I'm sticking it here or I'll feel like it was all wasted effort. I know, in the heart of my brain, that it absolutely was a waste of time and energy. But if I put it on the Internet, it means I'm doing something useful! That sentiment might be the exact opposite of the entire reason behind the following Photoshop. I am a failure.

"The only way to win is not to play."

Some people think the Internet has created a level of toxicity in our daily interactions that is quickly killing the humanity in all of us. But I think the Internet isn't the problem. The problem is access. People now have unlimited access to everybody else and they think that expressing their poorly thought out and bland opinions (generally in a hateful and disgusting manner) directly at somebody who also expressed a poorly thought out and bland opinion is a good idea. A better idea is to not engage with other people at all. Take my blog for instance (which just got a great review today: "this is THE MOST STUPID THINGS I'VE EVER READ." Note the critic ends that all-caps statement with a period. The critic probably decided an exclamation point would show that he or she invested too much emotion in another person's ideas. And that is tantamount to admitting fault to an insurance adjuster). If you think I've expressed piece of shit opinions, the best option is to move along and never read another word I write. I suppose if you generally like reading my idiocy but occasionally wince at some tossed off comment (probably about tossing off), you might think, "I should let Tess know that Tess just crossed over an imaginary boundary that I've created in my head which I don't think anybody should cross, and I'm going to try to get Tess to adhere to my standards with a comment." If you ever do think that, you should probably just move along. Your boundaries aren't a universal mandate that everybody needs to respect to be considered an upstanding person. Your boundaries are your own to manage and you should not expect everyone (hell, you shouldn't expect anyone) to respect them. Your concerns aren't my concerns.

And here's the problem with instant and total access. When I write something, in whatever context, I'm not directing them at anyone. I'm not seeking out any single person to tell them what I think. But when somebody responds to a person on the Internet, they do so as if the initial post was the start of some kind of dialogue, and then act accordingly. They speak directly to the person who wrote the thing that upset them, as if that person had come into their house and shit on their rug. But that isn't what happened. They just wrote a thing for whoever finds it to read and, if they didn't like it, to probably move on and never read again. But most people can't resist that instant access the Internet gives us. They have to comment as if their participation were an expected part of the original post. Even people who agree oftentimes post unbearable things that are just restatements of the original post, just less subtly expressed.

I know "Do not feed the trolls" is a common expression but nobody actually listens to it. Everybody is so desperate to add their opinion to the cacophony of the Internet that they can't be bothered to see the wisdom in not participating. When people say somebody or something is toxic, they don't mean you should wade into the funk of toxins to fix it. It's a carefully chosen term. The more you are exposed to a toxin, the worse you feel. You can't consume toxins to destroy them. You just need to avoid them. When you argue on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook with somebody who you think truly shouldn't be allowed to exist, you aren't helping to save the world. You're simply destroying yourself.

Although I guess if I'm going to use a toxin analogy, I should admit that cleaning up a toxic environment should be the ideal goal. But that makes my analogy more complicated and people don't use analogies because they actually want to speak intelligently on a topic. You use analogies when you want to obfuscate the actual problem and try to pretend it's simple in a way that makes your argument so obvious that the people who still disagree must be total fucking idiots living in ramshackle huts made out of their own fetid opinions!

This digression was brought to you by noticing some Pepe the Frog motherfucker on Twitter reveling in all of the attention he gets from people who despise him. It was not brought on by the Tumblr Anon criticism which I didn't think was a negative criticism anyway. I totally agree that what I write is THE MOST STUPID THINGS! It's what I'm usually going for!

Well that belief must have gotten extremely complicated after finding out where Clark was really from. Ha ha! Not really! It's easy to come up with reasons to explain away any doubt about the belief you truly want to believe in, no matter how little evidence there is.

Superman once read a medical book super fast and then performed surgery on somebody to save them so I think he can figure out a way to save Batman. Unless this series is only supposed to be seven issues long and then it's okay if Bruce Wayne dies. But I'm not buying Issue #8 if Bruce Wayne isn't in it.

Batgirl who used to be Robin but is still Carrie Kelly learns that Batman didn't survive. So she falls to her knees and cries in the morning light. She also probably gets the first really good glimpse at the purple and green colors of her costume and thinks, "I never realized Batman was color blind."

As Superman flies Batman's cooling corpse to wherever it can be uncorpsed, he passes over Hal Jordan in a desert. Hal Jordan is missing his right hand. I bet it was bitten off by a Parallaxodile. At the same time, The Atom is sitting on an atom (not a real atom but the way we pretend atoms look to make them comprehensible to our stupid monkey brains) and thinking about science. I guess these two guys will play a part in the big finale that had better include Batman.

Meanwhile, the Kandorians are massing in the clouds to plan their next attack. The leader's big idea is to kidnap Superman's son from the Amazons. Let me get this straight! The Kandorians just got their asses kicked by one Kryptonian, a girl in a horrid costume, and an old man in a suit of armor, and their next course of action is to attack hundreds of Amazons to steal Superman's baby? Why don't they all just inject Kryptonite directly into their brains and be done with it quickly?

Superman tosses Bruce's corpse into a Lazarus Pit and Bruce returns to life. But he's probably come back wrong! You reap what you sow, Superman! YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!

Also, the Kandorians attack the Amazons as Lara tries to kidnap her brother. Wonder Woman stops her because there aren't any more pages for a war this issue.

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! This comic book is really kind of boring. It's too bad because Alternate Universe comic books have so much leeway to be as exciting and different and crazy as possible. You'd think they'd be full of entertaining ideas. Instead, this issue simply has Batman tossed in a dirty old pool, Commissioner Batgirl questioning if it's worth being a superhero without any real arguments for or against, and Hal Jordan who must now be wearing his empty ring on his penis. Oh wait! He still has his second hand. He's probably wearing it there. Unless it's on a chain around his neck or in the belly of the Parallaxodile.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: World's Finest #1

I get that Frank Miller put out some seminal comic book works but can't we pretend he doesn't exist now?

The cover to this mini-comic confuses me. Why are Supergirl and Wonder Woman searching for a missing contact lens on top of the Bat Signal? And why is Wonder Woman wearing a fake chin and an anal bead wig? What is going on with Supergirl's ass? Is there currently a Kryptonite butt plug up there? And why is her head made out of wood? Did Wonder Woman always wear moccasins?

The issue begins with Batgirl wearing her terrible costume. I think she's only wearing it because it was a gift from The Batman. Some people don't have the constitution to simply throw away terrible gifts from family and friends. Some people feel obligated to appreciate any shitty gift they're given. I'm not one of those people. I even take pleasure in shredding Christmas photos of friends' children and pets. Nearly anything anybody gives me that I never explicitly mentioned wanting or needing is simply future garbage. And if Batgirl felt the same way, I wouldn't have to look at her in that hideous green and purple costume. What was Batman thinking? Not only is the color scheme terrible, there is a bat symbol on Batgirl's ass and back as well as her chest. Is that to confuse criminals? They are a superstitious and cowardly and terrible at anatomy lot!

Supergirl has decided to confront Batgirl and tell her that she doesn't like her. It's a time honored ritual of young girls. This time it takes place on the roof of the Gotham Police Station but usually it takes place at the roller rink or a school dance.

The main thing I learn from the conflict (which I could have learned from the cover) is that Frank Miller loves to draw wedgies. He's got a real old man perv thing for wedgies, doesn't he? Ugh. Now I'm imagining he must have masturbated multiple times to his own work while drawing this. I bet the original artwork glows under ultraviolet light.

Some of you reading this may already know this story since you were probably teenage girls at one point. Supergirl tells Batgirl that she hates her. Batgirl tells Supergirl that she never even thinks of her. Supergirl makes a face. Batgirl tries to avoid the situation. Supergirl blocks her escape. Batgirl tells Supergirl she's ugly. Supergirl finds she's losing the power in the situation and begins to look around for peer back-up. Instead, Supergirl's mother restrains her. Oh man. Just wait until school on Monday when everybody hears about that! This confrontation totally backfired!

The conflict turns into a wrestling match between mother and daughter and now I'm absolutely sure that the original artwork glows under an ultraviolet light. I have a feeling Frank Miller drew the women throughout this entire scene naked and Klaus Janson had to put their clothes back on when he inked it.

What's the sound of one old man fapping?

After the fight, Supergirl sheds a single tear and runs away screaming, "Nobody loves me!" If she's anything like my sister was at that age, she'll be at her grandmother's house manipulating them into taking her to McDonald's now.

The Rankings!
Why am I going to include the rankings for this mini-comic insert?! You don't see me reviewing the comic books that came with He-man figures! I take this shit seriously, dammit!

DK III: The Master Race #6

This cover has been touched up via photoshop. I didn't want other DK III: Book Six comic books tricked into thinking this ideal was true. It has just as many fingerprints as all the other DK III: Book Six issues with black covers.

The evil villain in this book is a Kandorian named Quar. He has more valid reasons than most for getting up to his evil shenanigans. For one, he was kept inside of a jar for decades! What must that have been like? It's not like crops grow well inside sealed bottles. So did the Kandorians just eat whatever crumbs Superman decided to stuff into the top of the jar? Like day old muffins and strips of fat off the sides of his pork chops? What a humiliating life! And what if you were a Kandorian alcoholic who had burned all the bridges in his life? You can't even pull a geographic! Now you're stuck with all of the people you've failed and pissed off, forever! So I totally get where Quar is coming from and I sort of hope he wins.

Last issue, Quar tricked the people in Gotham into going after Batman themselves. Is that where Scott Snyder got the idea for All-Star Batman? No, probably not. That plot is so old there's probably a "How old is it?!" joke that would fit this moment if I were wittier. Getting the populace to turn against the superheroes? I feel like I've been reading that story for decades now.

Batman has unleashed some kind of Kryptonite Acid Rain on Gotham and now all of the Kandorians are losing their powers.

Ew. Please don't finish that statment, Gothamite!

Baal and Superman's Superdaughter are the last two left after the Kryptonite Rain Incident and they plan on making the humans pay for standing up to their betters. Or at least more powerful versions of their unenlightened, selfish, egotistical selves.

For some reason, Batgirl finds herself in single battle with Baal. Maybe Superman and Batman are off sitting in the back seat kissing and a-hugging with Fred. That doesn't make any sense but, for some reason, that song is stuck in my head. Most of you are probably thinking, "What song, Tess? Remember, we're like half your age, you decomposing piece of shit!" I don't know what song either though! It was one of the songs on 40 Funky Hits from the 70s! I mean, the song is definitely older than that! But 40 Funky Hits was definitely from the 70s!

Looking at the track listing after all these years, I don't remember a large portion of these songs. The portion I do remember? They're all stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. Just like Schoolhouse Rock. Just like the singing Mormon commercials. Just like all the songs from The Flintstones. Pretty much any music I heard while growing up is just lodged inside my brain, never to be forgotten. I imagine a lot of the nurses working at the old person's home where I'll eventually die will constantly be asking, "What the fuck is that disgusting old man singing this time?"

Batgirl shoots a tiny shard of Kryptonite into Baal's eye with a slingshot. I think that's an allusion to some Claymation show with a slow-witted dog or something. Baal goes flying off, freaking the fuck out the way everybody does whenever something randomly lands in their eye. You don't even have to be deathly allergic to the thing in your eye! I wonder how many people die each year from spiders bouncing off of their eyeballs. That's like double flip the fuck out time! And then maybe sneezing at the same moment! While driving! What a catastrophe!

As the Kryptonians retreat, the one Batman humiliated looks back and pierces him with a blast of heat vision. Batman collapses in Superman's arms and dies. I don't know that he'll stay dead! But on this one page, he dies! Superman might do one of those things where he quickly reads a medical text book and then performs super surgery to save Batman's life. Or he'll just use some defibrillators on Batman because those things can bring anybody back from the dead, according to television. Even if somebody has bullet holes in all of their organs, as long as you shock them with a defibrillator, they'll come back to life! I wonder why they're called defibrillators when they're rarely used to stop fibrillation and almost exclusively used to just resurrect people?

And that's...that's it? I just paid six dollars for a twenty page comic book padded with a bunch of uncolored ink pages in the back?! Somebody tell me why I'm still reading this bullshit? I don't care how good it might be (and I'm not saying it's good!). Six dollars for this? I guess I still have the inset booklet with Frank Miller's terrible art to read!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. DK III: The Master Race (*)
9. The Flash (*)
10. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
11. Earth 2: Society (*)

This issue hardly seemed like a story at all! I feel like I just opened it up and it was over! Just a second while I consult my dictionary. Let's see...yep! Total definition of anti-climactic! Even with Bruce's death!

Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade

The Joker is a messy eater.

The Review!
In some ways, this story feels like it was written less by Brian Azzarello and more by Frank Miller. It just doesn't have the nuance of Azzarello in the dialogue. The writing feels a bit blunt and broad-minded. It's also possible that I was simply put off by John Romita Jr.'s art so I put on my grumpy pants and refused to thoroughly enjoy the story. The story itself is about how Batman is as much at fault for Jason Todd's death as The Joker is. I think. That might be the story and even though that wasn't the story in the regular DC Universe, it's the take that maybe the current Jason Todd needs to be true. Batman never said the things Jason needed to hear. Batman simply treated Jason as another Bat-Gadget. Batman was always telling Jason to not do things or to stop doing things a certain way. Batman never told Jason that he had the potential and gifts to someday (and a very soon some day too!) be a great Batman. Batman never fucking hugged the poor kid! And while maybe this is the story that makes more sense of Jason Todd's relationship with Batman, I'm not sure it's the story I want. I suppose Batman is distant and cold and closed off from emotion. He allows Alfred to take on that role for him. But do I want my Batman to be so justice-minded that he lacks the empathy to treat close friends and acquaintances in a kind and, if not loving, at least compassionate way? Does that dilute the power of The Batman? I would hope it would only strengthen him. But then this story isn't really about Jason, is it? It's more about Batman and his failings and learning from those failures. It's just too bad for Jason Todd that he had to be a plot device to help Batman grow!

The Commentary!
Everybody wants to write a Final Joker story. I don't know if this is one of those but it has the Joker on the cover and the word "last" so it probably is. I would make a great cop! I jumped to a conclusion and then found two clues to support that conclusion and that's all the evidence I need to arrest the bastard!

This issue is based on Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. I provided that information for people who forgot to read the cover. I wish I remember The Dark Knight Returns better since it a seminal fluid comic book that everybody else seems to lose their shit when they remember all of the apparently great details in it. I think in Miller's story, The Joker and Batman had sex on a carnival ride. This must be the aftermath of that encounter.

The story begins with The Joker being thrown back into Arkham. Well, that's that! He'll never get out of Arkham! Is this going to be one of those Batman stories where Batman goes into Arkham as a metaphor for delving deep into his subconscious until he comes face to face with The Joker and then realizes it's really a mirror? I suppose it could also be one of those other Arkham stories where The Joker escapes. Those are a lot more common. But judging by the cover, Batman and Robin will be coming to him. Maybe they need him to Hannibal Lecter something for them. I hope Carrie Kelley doesn't get hit in the face by The Mad Hatter's semen!

It turns out this story takes place much earlier than the events in the original Dark Knight series. Jason Todd is the current Robin so maybe this is the Final Jason Todd story! But since it's current and in the Dark Knight Universe, it will probably be a lot more entertaining than that whole Death in the Family garbage from the eighties. Unless it was the nineties. Maybe Jason Todd will be the one to take the metaphorical journey into his subconscious as Arkham where he'll eventually come face to face with The Joker where he realizes it's really the audience!

The media have decided to question Batman's policy of putting children in the line of maniacs. Batman catches wind of it and is all, "But I'm a good guy! Stop criticizing me!" Alfred is all, "Do you need somebody killed for this?" And Batman is all, "No, just...you know. Go polish something."

This book reminds me of that quote about how many men must walk down a road before you can call it a road. Mostly because I just thought of that quote while reading this book and thought, "Does that fit? Does that make sense? It must, right? Or else why would my brain bring it up!"

While the media questions why Batman would train a young person to put themselves in danger, Batman's back is all, "You're too old for this shit! Get a young person in here!" So it's that most ancient of all arguments! I'm not sure exactly what the argument is but it has something to do with old versus young and how the young waste their potential but only realize it once they're old and then the old version of them is all, "Young people are stupid because I was once a stupid young person!" Meanwhile the young people who actually spent their youth in a manner they could live with never grew old because they probably died in a base jumping accident. Then young people look at older people and think "Why are they so grouchy and boring?!" because only the grouchy and boring ones survive to look down their wrinkled noses at the youth. All the cool ones died awesomely when their aging bodies eventually betrayed them.

I think that explains why Batman needs to train a young person to do his job. It's kind of a different reason for Batman needing Robin then the usual reason that Batman needed somebody in bright clothing for the bad guys to shoot at instead of shooting at him. Or maybe the reason was that Robin was Batman's version of Prozac?

If you're wondering why I haven't scanned any artwork yet, it's because I'm afraid DC Comics will send me a cease and desist! No, wait. It's actually because this comic book's physical format makes it really hard to scan pictures. I could take pictures of them but that's totally amateur hour! What am I? A fckuging amataeru? Hardy!

The night after catching The Joker, Batman and Robin head out to catch more of The Joker's gang. During the battle, Jason Todd smashes a guy's head in the door of an overturned van that was catching fire. He saves Batman's life doing it, so Batman understands that sometimes casualties will happen. And it's not like Batman blames himself or Robin for any deaths! If a bad guy dies while Batman tries to apprehend them with explosives and lethal Batarangs and extreme violence, it's the bad guy's fault for not being prepared to live through explosions and blunt objects and sharp objects and Batman's fists of justice!

See? The bad guys are at fault for being too amateurish to reinforce their van against Batman's explosives! Dummies!

I basically ruined the spine of my comic book scanning that panel. Maybe it's more professional to just take a picture of the book! Or perhaps I should be buying them digitally? No way! What am I? A young person?! My world is physical comic books and living in a maze of stacked up comic book boxes in every room! So much better!

I have a theory about the popularity of Young Adult literature that I probably shouldn't bury in the middle of this review but I will anyway. I feel it's popular because the genre usually presents a black and white world where somebody who is a literal unique snowflake and literally doesn't fit in literally sees the literal right way things should be and works toward making the world a better place while also making the reader feel represented. Adult literature is way too ambiguous (and I don't mean fuck books about fucking! Although those are good too and often ambiguous as well). Because the real challenges in life aren't about rising up against an obviously oppressive status quo to make the world a better place, even though your sister and some of your friends might die in the process. People in the real world aren't background automatons brainwashed by the oppressive culture in which they live that need to be led to freedom by one spunky, thoughtful teenager and her friends! People in the real world are complicated by their coping mechanisms and the strategies they've come up with to survive. If only there were a single bad man to bring down to make everything better! If only there were one perfect solution to create a utopia that would make happy each single individual with different views, dreams, backgrounds, and hopes. Although maybe I'm reading Young Adult books incorrectly! Maybe The Lord of the Rings wasn't about bringing down the ultimate bad guy and making the world a safer place for men and hobbits (but not elves!) to live! Maybe it's actually about how travel makes a person less ignorant! And maybe The Hunger Games wasn't about bringing down a fascist regime but about how young people are quickly swept up into events out of their control as they enter adulthood where they get to make fewer and fewer of their own decisions and simply begin to just try to control the aspects of their lives they're able to control! And maybe the Divergent series wasn't about how young people who don't fit into society are actually better than everybody else and go on an adventure to prove that they're better and more creative and totally way more important than those stupid jocks and cheerleadgers! Maybe it was about...well, I don't know what it was about because I liked feeling like I was divergent and that I was better than everybody else because I totally didn't fit into society's fucking square holes! Or maybe Uglies wasn't about flipping the bird to society's conventional beauty standard and was actually about...no, I think that's probably exactly what it was about. I guess all of these Young Adult books are simply about making kids who don't fit in feel like they're better than everybody else. Because you know who reads? Kids who don't fit in! So lets write a bunch of books to make them feel good!

I may have lost my point somewhere in that paragraph but that's my style! Pointless!

Back to The Last Crusade, The Joker begins telling a story about a boy. "Etch a Pooh air," he begins. Although this story isn't about a boy who died soon after childbirth and was thus given a heroic story by his insane mother, written on reams of paper given to her to write letters to her first son Johnny, and sent to an old lover of hers named Zampano who may or may not have been the brother of her husband because it's really unclear how Pelafina knew Zampano at all although it was clear that she did know and love him. This story is about a boy born with a broken neck! The Joker's story is like one of those Young Adult books I was talking about. The broken necked kid was able to see things differently than everybody else because his head turned around more or something. But that was no good! Society hates those who see things differently! And so the doctors fixed his neck and made him normal and that was a true tragedy! They took away his individuality! They took away his power! They took away everything that made him McMurphy McMurphy except for his influence which is why the story isn't really about McMurphy at all but about Chief Broom who manages to escape those damned doctors!

Bruce finds his way into Selina's vagina and is all, "We can't have romantic times yet! I'm still training Jason Todd!" And Selina is all, "Fine! Fine! I'll put the Catsuit back on. But you know I'm feeling old too, old man! Don't expect any back flips onto your penis!"

Meanwhile, Jason Todd continues to delay Bruce's retirement.

Maybe this book isn't about Jason Todd being killed by The Joker at all! Maybe this book is about Batman paying The Joker to kill Jason Todd because Batman is old and tired and want an excuse to quit! And if Jason Todd isn't going to be the Batman Bruce wants him to be, Bruce will have to train a new Robin which could take more years than Bruce has left in him. But if Robin dies under his watch, he can pretend he's hanging up the cape out of mourning and respect!

Poison Ivy is running some scam where she makes rich people love her so that they give her their money. That's the story acting like the main story while The Joker escaping Arkham is pretending to be the B-Plot.

Hate! It's a circle that turns round upon itself!

The previous panel sent me on a quest to watch my favorite two math Schoolhouse Rock videos, Little Twelve Toes and Good Eleven. Little Twelve Toes blew my mind as a kid and Good Eleven, for whatever the fucking reason, makes me cry tears of pure joy. I'm crying right now after having watched it. If I could just distill whatever that fucking song does to me into pill form, I'd be a fucking wreck, probably. "Hey, Tess, why are you crying?!" "Never gave me any trouble til after nine!"

Batman and Robin stop Poison Ivy but Bruce is beaten near to death by Killer Croc in the brawl. As Bruce is bandaged by Alfred later that night, Bruce finds out The Joker is loose again and he's in no shape to stop him. And he doesn't believe Jason is either. So he tells Jason to go to bed and let The Joker do whatever The Joker is going to do anyway. It's just a regular night in Gotham where people are going to be tormented and killed by some maniac. Does it really matter if it happens to be The Joker?

Robin goes out against Batman's orders and is taken by The Joker as the story ends. As Jason is searching for The Joker, Bruce and Alfred discuss their future plans for Jason. They're things that maybe should have been said to Jason and maybe he wouldn't have felt he needed to simply disobey Bruce's orders and commands. Maybe Jason would have survived to be a great Batman had Bruce simply treated him like a partner or a son or a peer instead of a lump of clay or a cadet or an attack dog. And so Jason goes off to his death because Batman forgets to chain him in the yard. Or, you know, treat him like a human being, I guess?

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Lara #1

This is graphic. And disturbing. But, as far as I know, totally anatomically accurate!

The Review or Whatever! Did a seven year old win a contest to write and draw a comic book for DC Comics and this was the result? The dialogue sounds like any you'd hear during an elementary school recess between a girl and boy who don't quite understand how to process their childish attraction to one another. At least up until the fuck-fighting begins. Although maybe even that starts a lot younger than when I was growing up. I didn't fuck-fight for the first time until well out of college! I think I needed the maturity and the weight of nine or ten eight hundred page Victorian novels sitting comfortably upon my psyche before I could engage in a decent fuck-fight. Maybe I just didn't have enough Bovine Growth Hormone in my diet. Although if I were born a little earlier, I would have had my first fuck-fights in junior high! Of course those would have been homoerotic in nature as the older students chased me around campus with giant paddles and throwing me in trash cans. Goddamn I was terrified of going to Junior High due to the stories from my cousin who was four years older than me. He was just the right age to be tormented with hazing but to never get to haze anybody back because society finally took a look at the monstrous fear and violence being perpetrated in a public space people sent their kids and thought, "Maybe this isn't cool?"

This comic book also reads a bit like the sado-masochistic version of Sam and the Firefly if Sam and the Firefly wound up not just being friends but lovers.

Baal the Firefly: "This is fun! Pranks are fun!"
Lara Sam: "Yeah! Pranks are funny, right?!"
Baal the Firefly: "Pranks ending in human death are the best!"
Lara Sam: "Whoa! Calm down now!"
Baal the Firefly: "You're a fuddy-duddy!"
Lara Sam: "You're a psychopath!"
Baal the Firefly: "Kiss me!"
Lara Sam: "Punch me!"
Baal the Firefly: "Fuck me into a mountain!"
Lara Sam: "That was a good trick! A very good trick!"

The art was in the style of "What if Frank Miller became a gigantic parody of himself?" So, you know, not far off from when he was at the top of his game.

DK III: The Master Race #5

I don't know what the second Dark Knight comic book was about but judging by this cover, I'm going to guess it was about Batman fighting Superman.

The Review!
The cover is actually a lie. It's just one of about seventeen different covers that have nothing to do with the story inside. This time, Superman and Batman are friends. I'm glad I didn't pay five dollars expecting this book to be about the fight on the cover. And even if I did, I would only blame myself. I've been reading comic books for over thirty years. If I were to still trust the cover of a comic book to accurately portray the action within, it would be a sign that I'm a trusting guy who probably has never gotten laid. But since I don't trust covers, you know that statement is incorrect. Probably the entire thing even! Aside from this book not being a fight between Batman and Superman, I have nothing more to say about it. Is saying what the book isn't about actually saying something about the book? I don't think it is. Therefore I have nothing to say about this comic book.

The Commentary!
The story so far...Batman, being the only rational person in the entire world and a symbol of freedom and individuality, is once again the enemy of everybody. What happened this time is that one of Superman's pet Sea Monkeys escaped from the jar and was enlarged using Atom's Shrink Ray on the reverse setting. Wasn't Batman of Japan looking for a Shrink Ray so he could fuck his sidekick? Anyway, Superman's pet Sea Monkey decided that the world needed to be saved from itself. I'm not sure he wanted to rule the world but that was the only plan the Sea Monkey could come up with, so he shrugged his shoulders and told everybody that the world was now his. But since Batman didn't like that idea (partially because Wayne Enterprises owned most of that world and Bruce wasn't a fan of losing wealth) and decided to resist, the Sea Monkey has told everybody in Gotham to give up the Batman or they'll all die. I have a feeling Batman might have considered giving himself up but everybody in Gotham simply went apeshit and had a huge meltdown and began destroying Gotham themselves. That seems counterproductive and a waste of energy! They could easily enough just sit at home and relax for twenty-four hours and then the Kandorians would do all of the work destroying Gotham. Work smart, people, not hard!

Superman can't help save the world because he was encased in Black Matter and sunk in the Arctic Ocean. If only there were a hero whose demesnes was the ocean floor!

This scan was supposed to be of Aquaman with the caption saying something like, "Oh yeah!" But then there was this Atlantean on a squid and I was all, "OH YEAH!"

Batgirl has been brought under the sea with Aquaman for reasons. If I have to explain them to you then you're in trouble because I've either forgotten the reasons or never knew them in the first place.

Batgirl was brought along on the Superman Salvage Mission because Aquaman had the power to find Superman but not the smarts to get him out of the Black Matter. But of course Batgirl knows all about Black Matter. She's all, "Black Matter Lives!" and then pokes it with a needle. It totally works for some reason.

Superman's daughter, Lara, asks the lead Sea Monkey why he commands the humans to do something Superman's Sea Monkeys could easily accomplish. He replies, "I gave them a choice, not a command. We seek to inspire, not dictate." I should remember that! Threatening to kill somebody if they don't do what you want is inspirational! I always thought wanting to be somebody who inspires other people to do stuff was bullshit. But now I understand why people want to do it!

See? This is what I meant by counterproductive!

Batman's plan is to rain kryptonite on the Kandorians so that they weaken, fall from the sky, and get the shit kicked out of them by the people of Gotham. That's a good plan because it works on the fickleness of the people of the DC Universe. Maybe they're not fickle. Maybe they just have some kind of attention deficit issue. It's also possible they're just doing what anybody would do to a bunch of jerks who just inspired them.

Batman joins the brawl even though he's a beaten down old man. He's not really in the kind of shape that would allow him to stand up to even weakened Kandorians, so it's a good thing Superman arrives in Super-armor to help him stand. Then they kiss for a bit and rub tips.