Lost Army #3

"One...chance...left. Must...fart...straight up...Kilowog's nose!"

The L'army of G'lanterns recently discovered they've been transported to the universe that existed before the current DC Youniverse. I don't mean they're in the Reboot Universe or the Preboot Universe or the Pre-Zero Hour Universe or the Pre-Crisis Universe or the Pre-Flash-fucked-some-shit-up-again universe. No, I'm talking about the DC Youniverse that existed before the current DC Youniverse. Look, I'm not fucking Carl Sagan. I don't know how to explain this shit in that special way which keeps a person interested even though they're wondering why I'm spending so much time talking about the ancient Romans instead of physics and astronomy. See, the DC Youniverse began with a Big Bang. This was represented by Krona jerking off and flinging his semen across the universe and yelling "Thwip!" at the top of his lungs. But before he jerked it and came on Adam-One's face as he also seeded the current DC Youniverse, another universe had just ended. That's the universe the L'army of G'lanterns have found themselves in now! And yes, I'm going to keep referring to them in that shortened, glottal stop way! It's fucking cool.

Now Stewart and his companions have run into Relic because why not? It's not like it's improbable that they would run into this specific being in a theoretically infinite universe! And even if it was improbable (which it totally isn't, things being what things actually aren't), who wants to read twelve issues of the Lost Army as the Green Lanterns search for some clue to what happened to them. I decided not to continue using the shortened forms of Lost Army and Green Lanterns. An eleven year old informed me it wasn't as cool as I thought it was.

Relic is at a point in his life where he has yet to make up his ridiculous, completely-lacking-in-evidence theory about how using the energy of the emotional spectrum depletes the energy of the universe. So instead of battling the Lost Lanterns, he invites them into his ship for tea.

"Peeing in the time stream" is good enough, Guy. You didn't have to add "pool." Because why would a stream need a pool?!

It's about this time that John Stewart is due for a flashback to when he was a marine, so he has a flashback to when he was a marine. Everybody pay close attention to this part because it will develop the theme of this issue! Of course the message will be distorted through the lens of patriotism and how people, especially professional writers of popular entertainment, aren't allowed to criticize soldiers or the military in any way at all. The military is full of heroes who signed on to keep other Americans free and not at all nearly entirely composed of lost souls who didn't know how to live their lives on their own terms, as certain America-hating pacifists might want you to think. There's definitely no reason why the military spends so much more time recruiting at community colleges than four year universities.

Some people who might actually be using community colleges for their intended purposes might try to be offended by that last comment. But that's because everybody views the world through their own perspective and judges things by what they know. Obviously somebody going to community college with plans to transfer to a four year school would want to defend community colleges. I have no problem with them. But even if you're using them planning on transferring (or just only ever planned on getting an Associates Degree), you have to realize that many people only attend community college so that they can continue to live rent free in their parents' house after high school because they don't really know what they're going to do next. A lot of people in your classes at community college don't actually give a fuck about any of the learning going on around them. That's why they're the perfect place to recruit for the military! Recruiters are hunting lost kids who want some kind of direction after high school. It's like recruiting fish in a barrel!

John's flashback is about trusting your enemies or something. It's meant to show that he has experience with working with his enemies to get the job done and that's why the reader can now trust him to work safely with Relic and Krona.

Relic explains his nutty theory so I guess he already believes in the finite nature of the emotional spectrum. He was busy looking for a reservoir of light when he ran into the Lost Army.

Well fuck, John. That's why Relic never needed actual proof! You gave him confirmation of his theory when you lied to him!

Guy Gardner gets pissed at John for lying to Relic. But he gets pissed for all the wrong reasons! I think. I don't even really understand what his reasons are. I think he's angry because John lied so easily? Which is a dumb reason to be angry when dealing with a serious threat like Relic. Maybe Guy is really just mad because John has taken over the role of leader and Guy wants to be leader. Mostly though, I think Guy is angry at John because conflict builds character! And the story would be boring if all of the heroes agreed with each other and weren't constantly about to get into a brawl with each other.

Guy thinks by being honest with Relic, he can help save Relic's universe. That doesn't seem like the kind of thing a character should say after they were so concerned about their piss in the time stream's pool. If he helps save this universe, he dooms the universe they came from! At the very least, he changes it substantially by allowing this universe to exist longer in the space where Guy's universe is waiting to be born out of Krona's self-pleasure.

It's too bad Guy went on this rant about helping Relic because I liked the idea that Relic's theory was wrong but he now truly believed it because John said he was from the future and that the theory was true. But with Guy arguing to help save Relic's universe, it seems Relic's theory is as true in Cullen Bunn's recreation of this story as everybody believes it was during the Relic War in The New 52 Universe.

The Light Pirates attack so the Green Lanterns have to expend more energy to keep Relic's ship safe. I would put another flashback in here so John can think about how the military used up all of the Afghan resources in trying to "save" the Afghans before leaving them to deal with the consequences when the soldiers were finally able to go home.

During the battle, one of the Light Pirates drains Arisia's ring so that she winds up unprotected in space. That's where the issue ends though, so she still might survive. Or DC Comics can just get rid of her so nobody has to be reminded of Hal's time as a pedophile.

Lost Army #3 Rating: No change. I'm not a huge fan of comic books which tell the complete story of something that was mentioned or used as backstory in a previous comic book. I was just fine knowing about Relic's universe and the Lightsmiths and the Dimming and his being laughed at by all of the real scientists because he didn't know how to actually science very well. I did not need any details filled in. The only way I will be happy with how this series ends is if the Green Lanterns wind up being responsible for the death of Relic's universe through their arrogance and belief that their universe matters more than Relic's universe. I also have a problem with this cover because John Stewart was never the last Lantern standing nor did he ever fart in Kilowog's face. That means that Cullen Bunn's story changed since he submitted the solicit for it. Hopefully that means this series has already been cancelled and Cullen Bunn is improvising an ending so it wraps up coherently! Better that this series ends before I wind up hating 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.