Prez #3

How adorable is Corndog Girl?

I've always had a secret fantasy about being an adorable, perky, cute young girl. It's probably why I was so into Sailor Moon during college. Sometimes I'm not sure if I have a crush on somebody like Corndog Girl or if I just really wish I could be Corndog Girl. Because it's not like I would want to date her or have sex with her or do much more than just look at her and read her comic book adventures. But I definitely would love to be her and then sit in my room for a week exploring my adorable body. So I'm basically doing something worse than objectifying her. I want to be her so that I can ravage myself!

When I think of the weirdness created by sexuality and crushes and growing up and just plain enjoying some cute aspect of another person, I can't help but think of Michelle Trachtenberg. If I watch something like old episodes of Degrassi Junior High, my crush on fourteen year old Caitlin isn't gross because I was fourteen years old back when the show aired. I'm reliving the nostalgia of the crush. Now that she's a forty year old woman, I have a crush on the forty year old Stacie Mistysyn. But I was in my early twenties when I discovered Michelle Trachtenberg on The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Not in a weird pedo way! I thought she was cute and hilarious and adorable! I saw Harriet the Spy because this kid charmed the pants off of me. Then I discovered she was in Buffy one season and I was happy to see Nona was continuing to get work. And now I see her and she's an adorable and sexy grown-ass adult and it's weird because I can't not see that little girl in the cast. It's also weird because I just wish I were Michelle Trachtenberg! Unless that's not weird? That's probably not weird, right?

Um, anyway, last issue, Corndog Girl was elected to the presidency of the United States. Also her father died which is too bad because she could probably have done something about his Cat Flu as the president. We were also introduced to Carl the End-of-Life Bear which is a brilliant idea and would go a long way to cure everyone's fear of death. Unless it just increases everybody's fear of bears.

This issue begins (right after a few pages portraying Smiley Enterprises as an unfeeling, horrible corporation which seems a bit unfair, really) with the President-Elect taking meetings with people suddenly super interested in Corndog Girl.

Based on this alone, she's the best president the United States will ever have.

Prez Rickard stops by to run off the venture capitalist and then usher Beth out of Eugene and into the real world where hemp bracelets can't be used as a down payment on college text books. Rickard is going to be Corndog Girl's vice-president as insurance against assassination since nobody in power wants Rickard in control of anything. He's the comic book version of Bernie Sanders, I guess.

This is how I've always thought of work. Not as how much I'm making but in how much time they're stealing from me. Now that I have my own business, I'm stealing from myself. Fucking bastard.

Manny, an employee of Boss Smiley (who was speaking in that panel up there), is turning out to be a main character or something. It's possible he was in a previous issue but since I didn't develop a crush on him, I can't remember. He'll probably become a member of Beth's cabinet since the scene after Manny goes home with a hurt ankle, betraying Boss Smiley's loyalty for his own concerns over his health, Prez Rickard tells Beth that she can actually fill her presidential cabinet with smart people instead of people to whom she owes favors.

I wonder if Neils deGrasse Tyson knows he's in this comic book?

One thing I find strange about how much Americans seem to hate smart people whom they constantly label as arrogant is that the smart people are usually overly polite and kind even in the face of blatant stupidity. Sagan. Tyson. Bill Nye. Also they're so smart that they can burn the fuck out of somebody without the person realizing how insulted they should suddenly feel. Maybe that's why they get called arrogant? If I were in their position, I'd have a worse reputation as a know-it-all dickface than Richard Dawkins.

Even if this is the version of Gargamel that just needed some mashed up smurf juice so he could turn shit into gold, the premise still holds true.

Meanwhile there's some satire about how dumb Americans are. Although is that really satire at this point?

Manny loses his job because he doesn't take big enough shits to justify his bathroom breaks. That Boss Smiley is a real hard-ass!

And then it's time for the inauguration where Beth meets her biggest government rival, Senator Old Guy Who Has Been Plotting Her Demise!

Oh Beth Ross! If you don't win over the hearts and minds of comic book fans everywhere, comic book fans everywhere have no hearts and minds.

The Bible which Senator Thorn uses to swear Beth into the presidency is Mark Russell's book, God is Disappointed In You. That would work for me. Any book would work for me since the whole swearing on some random holy book means about as much as swearing on a Judy Blume novel.

After Beth is officially the president, she gives a speech that would shame nearly every actual elected government official if they were capable of feeling shame. Then some Open Carry asshole tries to kill her but he's turned into a red smear on the sidewalk because Anonymous hacked into the security bot that was, to Senator Thorn's knowledge, going to be just for show. Suck it, Senator!

And lastly, Beth's grandma sends her a Sexy Frog as a gift for her new job.

Prez #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is an entertaining book that didn't go the route I completely thought it was going to go based on how DC Comics believes "young and hip" stories should be told. You know, throw in a lot of last week's slang and tons of references to doing things online. Instead of trying to be glitzy cool, it's smart and funny and a shame it's only going to be a limited run and missed by a lot of people. I hope word of mouth helps Prez sell a ton of Trades when it's collected because I'd love for this series to be extended into a whole mess of six shots. That would be a good format for DC to continue to use. I'd feel more confident buying a Prez six issue series than picking up a continuously running Superman comic book because it would assure me that an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end is being told. Continuous comics will always, at some point, meander into boring territory or horrible story lines. But if a comic book pitch for a six shot is accepted for publication, it usually means the story impressed enough people to take a chance on it. I hope DC Comics takes a lot of chances on Mark Russell's Beth Ross because this is some fun and intelligent story telling. I think it's what the kids were calling "some sick shit right here" a few weeks ago? Um, also the art is fantastic! Sorry, Ben, if it seems at times I'm ignoring you but realize you're at least 60% of the reason I have a crush on Corndog Girl.