Martian Manhunter #4

If I were a martian and I came to Earth to discover that the species at the top of the food chain didn't really have a language and had really dead, black eyes and lots of scary sharp teeth, I would probably decide to interact with the the fifth smartest creatures on Earth since that's also the one that has lots of languages to choose from, all of which are easier to speak than dolphin. That would be mankind if you needed it explained to you. And since that's what I would choose to do, I would also choose a name that didn't sound as threatening as Martian Manhunter. I might go for something like Not-a-martian-at-all Manhugger. Or Man Manson. Although "Manson" isn't the most friendly name if you were a martian arriving in the latter part of the twentieth century. Although it might be okay in 2015 since humans don't like to remember things that older humans went through because it is so very boring and not about them and their world at all. Although in 2015, Woman Woman-of-colorman would probably be more politically something. I'm a martian in this hypothetical situation. I don't know all of the ins and outs of human society! I'm just here on a mission of peace! Probably. Wink, wink!

I would also take a shower before interacting with any humans because boy do my armpits stink right now! Pee-yu!

One thing I wouldn't do is split myself into dozens of separate beings who have no idea that they're only one part of a single being whom they can't even remember anymore. That's what Martian Manhunter did. Hopefully he kept a master list somewhere so that he can find all of the aspects of himself now that he killed his main self.

One of Martian Manhunter's aspects is a sexy woman named Pearl!

I would not care for a second date with a woman who could do this with her mind. My guts have enough trouble with burritos.

Meanwhile Mister Biscuits is being all Crane Style on the top of a speeding ambulance. He's really into cookies. Hmm, so am I! That hypothetical about being a martian might not be as hypothetical as I thought! Because hardly anybody loves cookies!

Anyway, Mister Biscuits and his pals are either running from the Martian Man-Eater or merely delaying having to battle the Martian Man-Eater. My guess is that they're merely delaying it because fighting the bad guy makes for a more exciting comic book than running from the bad guy. I once wrote a story about a Ninja Assassin who ran away from Ninja Assassin School because she hated violence. The other Ninja Assassins chased her down for the entire book but she alluded them in every chapter until the end of the book when the Ninja Assassins said, "Darn it. I guess she got away." My editor said it was very exciting when the main Ninja Assassin got away from the other Ninja Assassins without any kind of confrontation for the first two or three times, and maybe for the fourth or fifth time as well since she still expected the big battle to happen. But when the big fight never took place, she explained that it gave her a headache and a stomachache and a nauseated feeling because it was all so tense with no payoff in the end. She used some word like Cat Arctic or something. And then she said no publisher would ever publish it because it was only five pages long.

The writer of this comic book probably had an editor who explained to him how he had to have a big fight scene because the big fight scene takes place on the back of the ambulance. It's where we find out that Mister Biscuits is Martian Manhunter's subconscious just like I pointed out in a different commentary except I accidentally said "heart" instead of "subconscious." You probably knew what I meant though, right?

This is what happens after the fight ends. You've probably read comic book fights before. No need to rehash another one, right?

Over in the Indian Sea, Aquaman and his boner pants make an appearance as they save Pearl from drowning. See, she fell into the ocean after blowing up the white martians.

This picture is very, very dirty.

The issue ends with two campers looking through a telescope at the moons of Mars and noticing details like how misshapen they are. Those campers must have a crazy expensive telescope. I mean, I had a pretty cheap telescope and I could see some of the moons of Jupiter as they would pass across the planet but I still could never see the moons of Mars. They're just so small! It's also possible I never really tried very hard to see Mars's bullshit moons because they're bullshit. If I were Mars, I'd be embarrassed by the giant turds circling me.

Anyway, Phobos grows teeth and heads off to Earth to eat all of Mister Biscuits' cookies just like he feared. If Mister Biscuits is J'onn's subconscious and Daryl is J'onn's heart and Pearl is J'onn's feminine side and Leo is J'onn's mental fortitude, perhaps Phobos is J'onn's stomach?

Martian Manhunter #4 Rating: No change. Thanks to all of DC's cartoons, nobody ever utters the phrase "Who the fuck is Martian Manunter?" anymore. Back in the eighties, I used to say stupid things like, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!" I would say those things to people who were dumb enough to engage me on comic books when they only knew about Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman, and Spider-man. Then they would say, "Who the fuck is Martian Manhunter?" Also, if I ever said to people who knew about comic books, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!", they would laugh at me and punch me in the nose. At least I didn't say Vibe, jerkos! Then I would explain how Martian Manhunter was about a billion times more powerful than Superman because he had so many extra powers but they would just rebut my argument by setting my shoes on fire. It was actually a pretty clever argument and I had to concede the point to them. It's not like I could ever find any kryptonite to wing at their heads. Um, anyway, my point is that maybe since people know who Martian Manhunter is they could possibly pick up this book and support it because it's better than decent? Is that a good enough blurb to get on the back of the Martian Manhunter trade?