Saturday, November 29, 2014

World's End #6

Darn! I thought the best way to beat famine was to get all of the starving families together and run some place else! No Nobel Prize for me this year!

Surprisingly, Daniel H. Wilson did not contact me to tell me what his long term goals for this comic book are. That's a shocker since I'm sure he reads my blog and could not have possibly missed my invitation to spill all of his secrets to me. Doesn't he know I can totally keep a secret?! Maybe it's a good thing he didn't confide in me or my World's End commentaries would be 80% "Oh my god, I know what's going to happen next!" instead of 80% "I wonder if Replacement Batman has ever masturbated while driving the Batmobile?"

Why does Famine have to be drawn with chocolate all over face? Somebody should watch every movie ever made in the last thirty years to find out when the trend to have a fat person that was constantly eating as one of the friends stopped. Has it stopped? Is that still a constant joke, to have a fat person always shoving food in their face? I know that "joke" hasn't stopped in comic books! I don't really mind. It's always funny to see a fat person eating food! I also always laugh when they show skinny people not eating food. "Ha ha! Look at how that person is way too skinny because they don't have a candy bar in one hand and melted chocolate smeared all over their face and hands!"
You know who is way too skinny? The entire female cast of Arrow. What the fuck is going on in that show? Do they have catering? All the women look like pumpkins wearing wigs which have been stuck on the ends of brooms. How do they keep their heads up?! I think Draper's niece was the only regular female cast member that didn't make me concerned for her neck. Thea, Moira, Laurel, Amanda, Felicity (although maybe her body is okay but I think she still has a big head, so it's hard to tell!)...they're all skinny in the way that husbands in sitcoms are fat. I'm not skinny shaming! I'm genuinely concerned! Somebody hire Carl's Jr. to cater that show!

Wait. Maybe not Carl's Jr. They'll probably force the female cast to wear bikinis and lie spreadeagled on the hoods of cars while they eat their food.

Anyway, even if I was skinny shaming, calm down! At least you're skinny! That's not really a bad thing! Unless it's caused by famine and you're too weak to run away from famine.

Okay! That puts me back on track! Time to read the comic book!

Three things you can't run from: The Flash, fate, and famine!

Doctor Fate should cast a spell that causes a letter to drop off from the end of a person's name. Then he'd become Doctor Fat which would counteract Famine's power!

Meanwhile, Aquawoman summons Azathoth (who still might be Earth-2 Starro!) to come forward and destroy the world. So this has now become H.P. Lovecraft fanfiction? As if DC didn't have enough mythology for Daniel H. Wilson? Now he's got to bring in the Great Old Ones? Because if they exist in this universe, why the fuck is everybody afraid of Darkseid? Fuck Darkseid! Somebody stop Aquawoman!

Beneath the firepit in Geneva, Replacement Batman and his troupe find the sprawling infrastructure for the first step in turning Earth into a new Apokolips. They also find dozens of Superman clones. According to some comic book (perhaps Darkseid's Villains Month comic book?), Darkseid has a major obsession with collecting Supermen.

The worst part about this book is how it jumps from page to page with little to no real revelations. I suppose this allows the comic book to maintain a feeling that all of the plots are happening simultaneously but it really makes it difficult for me to comment on any of it. And all I really care about is how it affects me. Unless it effects me? Maybe both? Fuck you, English. We might as well have the words 'iffects' and 'uffects' as well, and give them barely perceptible differences in usage as well! From now on, I'm just going to use 'yffects' in place of both 'affects' and 'effects' and the reader can fucking figure out what I mean from context. You know, if they care. Most of my readers probably type "loose" for "lose" anyway, so I shouldn't have even brought it up. Or, so you "loose" for "lose" types can understand me morer betterer, "I probably shouldn't of even brought it up." *shudder*

So there's a page where Desaad makes The Huntress cry because he's going to change her name. And then Solomon Grumpy teases Queen Lantern about Alan's dead lover. And then in Chicago on the next episode of "Mom Cop" starring Babs and Dick something truly magical finally happens! I am taking liberties with the phrase "truly magical," by the way.

And he seems a bit on the upper side of middle-aged, so all of you Yolanda Montez fans shouldn't be too concerned. I'm sure Wildcat will throw his life away to save somebody in the weeks to come so he can be replaced by her.

Meanwhile, Famine has moved on to attack Amazonia and the World Government Headquarters. This causes the assault on Apokolips to be moved up from 24 hours to right fucking now! As Mister Miracle activates his Mother Box to BOOM Tube them to Sloan's deadly assault ship filled with Mister Terrific God Slaughter Balls, Jimmy Olsen begins having problems with his Mother Box. I don't know exactly what those problems are because nobody Narration Boxed the scene for me and the art just looks like Jimmy got his dick caught in it.

I think the phrase "curiosity killed the cat" should be changed to "curiosity got the teenager's dick stuck in that thing."

Down in the Geneva Firepit (which is now "the Labyrinths of Desaad") Val-el destroys Replacement Batman's Earth-2 Viagra. So he's not only a pacifist, he's a prude and a teetotaler as well! That's three strikes against him because everybody knows that the most entertaining people are drunk, violent sex addicts. Especially in comic books. Or maybe just in comic books? Because while I definitely want to read comic books about drunk, violent sex addicts (and do! That's like half of DC's comic books!), that sounds like the worst roommate ever.

Finally in China, Solomon Grumpy and Queen Lantern meet the Avatar of the White: Alan Scott's dead fiance, Sam.

He's white because he's frozen from two years in a fridge.

Oh no. Reign of the super-clones? When did The New 52 become a series of moments that were basically the writers whispering to the fans, "Hey! Hey! Remember when we did this story twenty years ago?" Oh, that's right. From the very start. Leave the clones to Marvel, guys! That's their thing! Your thing is rebooting the world every fifteen to twenty years!

World's End #6 Rating: Just end the world already! But then turn Earth-2 into a weekly book that follows the adventures of the Earth-2 heroes wherever they now live. But, you know, just keep it a normal book that follows the adventures of different heroes each week.

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