Sunday, November 2, 2014

World's End #3

Meatloaf sure puts on a crazy show.

If you hadn't noticed, Meatloaf is down in the lower left corner rocking out of the UPC label. This sentence should probably be a "do anything for love" joke but I'm not a complete hack. No matter what my mother says.

Last issue, Twofer Starfire (the "War" member of the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips) took control of Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and The Huntress because women are easy to manipulate. Unless her real reason was that men are useless assholes. It's one of those, depending on how big of an asshole you are, or how easy you are to manipulate.

That joke probably needs an explanatory footnote because I don't trust people to understand the complex relationship between the last two sentences. But I'm not going to add a footnote because I don't understand the complex relationship between any of my sentences. I'm not sure I even need most of these sentences.

The title of this issue is "Furies" which is an anagram of "Rufies" which must be why the females are acting so strangely. So now it's four women against Replacement Batman because Val-el is a Pacifist. Is it ironic that "fist" is part of "pacifist"? No? Fuck you.

While little K'li takes over Europe by enslaving Earth-2's wonders, the other Horsewomen use farts.

Big flaming farts! Big gassy farts! Big bubbly farts!

While Earth-2 is casually destroyed by the Apokoliptian Golden Girls, the World Government discusses how they're going to spend their final twenty-three days of life before Apokolips rams Earth-2. Most of them want to spend it torturing Mister Miracle because he's from Apokolips, so fuck him. Others want to blow their nuclear load all over Apokolips. They built the arsenal of nuclear missiles so why not use it before they die, you know? Seems reasonable. Although can ICBMs reach escape velocity? Hee hee. I See BMs.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Twofer Dick Grayson keeps a journal. What's that?! A JOURNAL! Hey kids! You know what time it is?!

Over in London, John Constantine (the real John Constantine! Not that married Twofer asshole that might kind of actually represent the Hellblazer Constantine! The one that can probably say cunt without everybody getting all up in arms about it! Fucking Americans. It's just a bloody word, ya feckin' gits!) is being hunted by the Helmet of Doctor Cocoa Puffs, even though it should be trying to save the world. I guess it wants a more powerful host more than it wants a world not completely destroyed by alien invaders.

The action moves back to Geneva so I guess I'm going to get plot whiplash as the comic spends two pages in each location before moving on. In Geneva, Tornado Lane gets the blue screen of death and she has to reboot. That wipes War's influence from her mind. To break the spell on the other women, she smashes them into the ground as hard as her tornado power will let her. She smashes the guy's into the ground as well because fuck men, amirite? Somehow it works even though Power Girl is knocked silly while at the same time, The Huntress's brains aren't splattered all over Austria. Belgium? Denmark?

I should probably look at a map sometime!

Back in Amazonia, Jimmy falls into a sex trance about his mom.

Yeah, that's it! Rub them mama meals, Jimmy!

While Jimmy ruins his underwear in front of everyone, Khan, Sloan, Terrific, and Dodds agree to release Mister Miracle, Big Barda, and Fury so that they can follow them to Apokolips. At that exact same moment, Big Barda, Fury, and Mister Miracle break out of captivity and ruin everybody's plans.

Some Twofer versions of The Usual Earth are busy trying to figure out Mother Box. One is called Ted and one is called Linda but there's also a Crane and a Holland. Also there are only three scientists, and Ted is not Linda. So Holland might not be Alec Holland and Crane might not be Jonathan Crane. Unless the owl watching them is Holland. Or Linda is the Holland? Or maybe I shouldn't read too much into the names since they're not very smart and they need Jimmy Olsen to help them with Mother Box.

Replacement Batman, The Worlds' Finest Girls, Val-el, and Tornado Lane all decide to venture into the Geneva Fire Pit and shut it down. Although it seems like it's already vomited forth the worst thing it could.

I like how Tornado Lane declares she'll be safe due to her robot body then decides to go with Replacement Batman who, last time I checked, doesn't have a replacement body. Even though I call him Replacement Batman. Maybe if he dies, Great Grandfather Wayne will take over the role.

I know, I know! You don't have to tell me that the World Army is sending them equipment to enter the pit. Although, really, what good is equipment going to do a regular mortal when it was built to protect a guy like Commander Steel? Oh wait. Did Steel have super powers before he went in the pit?!

Queen Lantern and Aquawoman get a few pages at the end of the comic book. It looks like Pestilence got away and Death has taken over Atlantis. Also, London never fell to Meatloaf like the cover suggested.

World's End #3 Rating: No change. The only real problem with these weekly comic books is that they have so many plot threads happening, it gives me vertigo shifting from one thread to the next every one or two pages. Otherwise, I like having a lot going on and being able to revisit the story each week. Why aren't all comic books published this way?! Make the artists work faster and lets go weekly!

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