Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Justice League United Annual #1

I don't think it's fair that some comic books have been going for three years with no annual and Justice League United gets one after six months.

Don't you hate it when people tell you that life's not fair? Don't you just want to punch them in the throat?

This is both an annual and a story about the Legion of Super-heroes, so I'm doubly not excited to read it. Hopefully Neil Edwards draws an adorable Supergirl bum. That will at least keep me turning the pages with my free hand.

When will comic books stop using this stupid fucking plot device?!

If the Legion of Super-heroes weren't meant to be, they weren't meant to be, Mon-el. And since you're standing their existing, it looks like they were meant to be! So chill the fuck out, sit down with J'onn and Ace, and have a good laugh about how useless changing the past to ensure a specific future is. After he kills Ace Ultra, will Mon-el have to go to a dance to make sure two specific people fall in love? What if he has to ensure fifty school children die in a horrific fire? Does he start that fire? He's already willing to kill a child to make sure he exists (which he already does so maybe he just likes killing children?), what other monstrous things will he do to make sure his timeline comes to pass? Which it already came to pass since, you know, there he is coming back in time to ensure it comes to pass!

By the way, Mon-el, did you ever think that the Legion of Super-heroes will die because they sent you back in time to kill Ace Ultra? What if it's this memory of one of the Legion of Super-heroes trying to kill Ace Ultra when he was a child which causes Ace Ultra to hate the Legion of Super-heroes and decide they must eventually be put to death? You ever think of that, Mon-el, you big stupid idiot?

And if you can't defeat super old adult Ace Ultra one thousand years in the future, what kind of a dick move is it to travel back in time and kill him as a child? Maybe you should travel back in time to when Legion was first formed and tell them they need to train harder and recruit some tougher members? Why is the choice always to go back in time and kill somebody? That was the plot to Back to the Future, right?

Mon-el tells Martian Manhunter that there is no other way. So I guess he tried the options I suggested already. Of course just letting the Legion die and not traveling back in time is another option. What's so important that the Legion of Super-heroes needs to exist? Do they really have that many die hard fans whose money DC can't stand not having?

This is part one of a five part story called "The Infinitus Saga." So it continues Lemire's bold choice to begin long story arcs in issues that probably should be stand alone stories, like Issue #0 and Annuals.

I was going to scan a panel where Mon-el tells J'onn that there's no time so I could bitch about how there is obviously plenty of time because he can time travel but then a few panels that followed demanded they be scanned instead.

That crazy Zeta Beam! I think it must be tied to Supergirl's vagina!

I should probably footnote that caption but I suspect regular readers deserve some jokes just for them. I should probably footnote "jokes" because I'm obviously using a non-standard definition of the word.

How come Adam Strange was having dinner in his space suit? Don't the Rannians have any clothing that he could borrow? Does he spend all day and night in that heavy suit? Aren't his balls chafing the insides of his thighs, thick with gooey sweat steeping in a bacterial stew? At least they don't mind if he gets drunk with his gun on his hip.

So that situation isn't going to be settled any time soon, so let's see how Supergirl's bum is doing in space with Animal Man, Green Arrow, Stargirl, and the rest of Supergirl.

Nobody briefed Green Arrow on Supergirl's penchant for punching people in the face when she first meets them?

The JLU Away Team learns that Hawkman's body is being held by a cult that follows Byth. And nobody in the Pleasure Station seems to worry about what just happened. I suppose when your clientele are mostly bounty hunters, you expect this kind of destruction every now and again. It's probably why the price of the Alien Anal Bead Bonanza is so high.

Back on Earth, Brainiac 5, Phantom Girl, and Saturn Girl arrive to prove that future heroes have no more imagination when it comes to choosing names than the heroes of the present. Saturn Girl, Supergirl, Phantom Girl, Stargirl. In one thousand years, the biggest innovation in super hero names will be putting a space between the words.

Brainiac tells a sob story about how some jerk named Infinitus destroys the future. I don't see how that's the Justice League United's problem! Take care of your own timeline, Brainiac! I meant that "Brainiac" as an insult and not his name.

Not surprising to anybody listening to Brainiac's long winded whine, Ace Ultra seemingly becomes Infinitus. Is that Infin-I-tus or Infin-it-us? I like the first one because it sounds like a disease!

While Martian Manhunter decides to tell Brainiac to fuck off or to eat shit, the other Justice League United team continues their hunt for the corpse of Hawkman.

The Zeta Beam must run on solar vaginal power. Oh, go read all of my Supergirl commentaries if you must know!

The Away Team runs into Byth again. I bet Byth has something to do with Infinitus! Especially since he had the symbol for infinity scratched into his temple. Infinity. Infinitus. See how similar they are?! It's probably a clue!

And surprise! Hawkman is still alive! "What?" you say, spittle flying across your computer screen. "But he was dead!" Oh ho, my amateur comic book readers! This is something you'll learn soon enough. Nobody stays dead in comic books! It's practically a solidified theory of mathematics. If X is a length of time stretching towards infinity, and Y is a dead character then something equals something else and QED the hero is alive again! I could probably make a more accurate equation if I had gotten a degree in something other than Reading Books.

Level Twelve Intelligence just means you think like other people categorized as Level Twelve Intelligence! It doesn't make you any smarter than anybody else. Unless that's exactly what it makes you. What do I know? I'm only like Level Three! That makes Brainiac 5 three times smarter than me.

Brainiac 5 might have nine levels of intelligence on me but he's a big fat idiot. Wait. Did I just insult myself too?

Why not allow yourself a year? Hell, take two years! The future can wait!

Is it just me or is Brainiac 5 looking a little Cobainian?

Kurt Cobain was really Brainiac 5 saving the future!

Byth starts talking like Harvest so now I get to hate two aspects of this story! The plot dependent on future events that must not come to pass and an antagonist that has planned everything right down to getting punched in the face by Supergirl. Did Lemire come up with this story in his sleep? There must be a twist to it somewhere, right? Maybe Lemire is just overburdened with Futures End, so he decided to write an easy story. Or maybe he just always wanted to write one of these shitty comic book stories! I suppose the least I can do is be supportive of his dream! From here on out, I hope this story pulls in all of the shitty comic book tropes that continue to exist for some reason. Oh wait! I know the reason! Because crappy writers keep using them!

When did a Level Three Intelligence prevent a person from enjoying comic books? Are these things suddenly being written down to Level One Intelligences?! I blame Fandoms! They don't give a shit how horribly Jason Todd is being written as long as his image is on the page.

Byth mentions that the battle between the Justice League United, the Legion of Super-heroes, and himself has happened over and over and over again. It's a time loop that keeps happening and I'm guessing the good guys win every time because Byth mentions he's found a way to break the loop. The problem with a time loop like this is that it isn't experienced over and over and over again! It's just experienced once by each person. Byth doesn't experience it every single time the Legion comes back in time! So that would mean that every time the loop happens (you know, the one single time experienced one single time by all parties at the same exact time), Byth claims he has a way to break the loop. Which means he doesn't and he winds up failing every time (you know, the one time).

Justice League United Annual #1 Rating: It's got nearly everything I hate about comic books! It's practically the television show Heroes it's so bad! But I think it's meant to be bad so I'm going to be all positive about it and like it in a totally ironic way because I'm super cool like that. I totally love stuff that is stupid, dude. You just don't get it.

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