Catwoman #35

Trick or treating in Gotham, I'd expect a pumpkin full of bullet casings and used needles.

I'd like to have a frank discussion (and by "discussion," I mean "monologue") about sexual relations between the genders since this book is full of sex and not full of decapitations. You really can only have one or the other. So Batman and Robin gets the decapitations and this book gets the fornication. Although the book has really just been coasting for thirty four issues on the first issue sex scene between Batman and Catwoman. Hardly a sheet has been soiled since! But it still has a teen plus rating for some reason. Perhaps DC was just trying to protect the fragile minds of children from Ann Nocenti's dialogue. You can't be too careful with brains still forging their neural pathways. You don't want to expose them to terrible shit so that their brains get used to terrible shit and wind up, as adult brains, seeking out that terrible shit for pleasure.

Oh yeah! Speaking of pleasure, I was going to discuss how our society views sex differently depending on the gender of the person engaged in the act. I think before we can entertain the possibility of social equality when it comes to men and women engaging in coitus, we have to first change the language. When teaching some young person (or grown ass person raised by their Auntie Grizelda), the act is usually described as the penis entering the vagina. Although, really, it depends on how many inches the penis is if we're going to accurately state it entered the vagina! Perhaps people that know what actually happens during sex (don't look at me! I keep my eyes closed!) say something like the penis enters the vaginal opening. The vulva? Or the labia? Labias? The cricket?!

Anyway, forget all that! I'm getting distracted! What I meant to point out is how our language, even when just describing the act in regards to the reproductive organs, places the male organ as the subject and the female organ as the object. The lady parts are seen as passive while the male parts do all the banging. And since language codifies thought (or something more accurate that doesn't sound as smart), what the person being told about sex hears is the man acts out sex on the woman. That puts the power in the penis and, thus, the man (though, just so you don't shut me down for erasure, not in all cases. This is a general discussion of the (boringly) average populace. I don't have time to go over every individual case. Well, maybe I do. But I'm not going to since I barely know about the case that would most likely involve my reproductive parts!). So from now on, we should describe sex as the vagina enfolding the penis. I suppose you could also use engulfing or swallowing as well but that might frighten young boys away from the vagina.

Although is that really such a bad thing? Frightening boys away from it? Why don't we just say vagina have teeth? I mean, we already have a social contract between adults and children that allows for adults to lie to them as often as possible. They lie about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Stork and Jesus Christ. Why not tell boys that women's vagina have teeth which fall out during the woman's first time having sex? And by "fall out," I mean latch on to the penis and lacerate the fuck out of it? I suppose that would cause more trouble than it's worth since the first time a boy and girl engage in sex (because they really, really love each other and plan on spending the rest of their lives together and never think about fucking anybody else ever), the boy will want to know where the woman's vagina teeth have gone. Then he'll think that she's already had sex and he'll pout and cry and be a little douche because, even at that young, innocent, naive age, he already thinks a woman belongs to him and that she owes it to him to not have had sex before she even met him. And then the girl will have to tell the boy how she had a really bad bicycle accident where she fell on the bar really hard and knocked out all her vaginal teeth.

Maybe it's best just to be honest with kids!

So did we learn anything? No? Oh well. I guess I'm not the person to be educating other people on whatever I thought I was trying to educate them on. How did Catwoman fit in to this discussion?

I don't even know how Catwoman fits into the discussion of Catwoman?! What language is this letter in? Prig Latin?

The name of this issue is "Comfort to the Hurt of the King." So if I understood the Prig Latin letter, maybe I'd understand what this issue was about! All I know for sure is that Catwoman is now the heir to the Calabrese Crime Family and that she's no longer being written by Ann Nocenti. Thank the Vaginal Teeth of Santa Jesus Bunny!

Now instead of jewel heists, this book is going to be about crime family drama! Except it hadn't been about jewel heists for quite a while anyway. Remember when Ann Nocenti had Selina declare she was done with jewels and gems?! I think it was because of Eclipso. Holy shit was that an awful story. Just like all of her other stories!

Selina is suddenly fascinated with the reign of Elizabeth I. Did she rule England? Was she the one that was around during Shakespeare's time? Didn't she enjoy that fucking Faerie Queene bullshit by Wrong Way Spenser? I don't know if that was Edmund Spenser's nickname or not, but I think he would have liked it!

I hope in four hundred years, people call the end of the 20th Century the Tessian Age! How do I become powerful enough for that to happen? Is it too late? Did I make my first mistake by being born to the wrong mother?! Stupid mom!

I like the premise of this story. I like how it's working around the events of Batman Eternal in much the same way Arkham Manor is. But it's just weird that it's a Catwoman story.

Catwoman's current job is to not steal anything. Also, she needs to get the Hasigawa Family to join the coalition of Crime Families for the Betterment of Gotham City (CFBGC. That's a dumb acronym. No wonder people like backronyms better). The Hasigawas are rarely ever heard about because Valentine may have just created them for this story. They're Japanese which means they're probably good martial artists with the skills and values of the samurai. What's that called? Sokobon? Sodoku? Bukake? Bushido! They probably also love raking sand, growing small trees, bubble tea, and folding paper. I'm not stereotyping! I'm playing the odds!

I think Selina and Eiko are going to become good, Teen Plus friends. If you get my meaning! I mean, video game sleepovers and gossip parties and roller skating and getting drunk on wine while discussing Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn's Teen Plus relationship.

Meanwhile, Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. I suppose that's a good thing although every time I see them, I'm going to be thinking of Nocenti. They've been hunting Catwoman for quite awhile now. Did they know she was Catwoman? I can't remember. They do know that Selina is selling Gotham's guns to out of towners and Alvarez doesn't like it! How come neither of these cops have figured out that Selina works in their Suicide Hotline Department?

I'd rather you write it for me! What are you talking about?! Does this have something to do with that "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" song?! Is this a reference to Elizabeth I?!

Later, Batman shows up. And simply because Genevieve wrote the following two panels, I love her for taking over this comic book! Unless Genevieve is a guy's name. And then I meant platonic love, of course!

Glad to see Selina saying "Fuck you!" to Batman. Even if it is just with a look. Maybe especially because it's just that look!

Batman has so many facets depending on who's writing him. Of course there's the hyper-violent, emotionless vigilante which we get way, way too often. I like the Batman in this current scene with Catwoman, even though he's awkward and uncomfortable and mostly a dick. He really thinks this is a sweet interaction, doesn't he? Batman just can't see when he's being a controlling, withholding, unbearable asshat. And I love that Batman! He should be emotionally awkward and unsure how to pursue a relationship with a woman that isn't just Bruce Wayne arm candy! His relationship with Selina could work because they know the other's true selves (not that she knows his identity yet in The New 52. But Bruce is the mask anyway, so it doesn't really matter) but Batman...well, shit, Batman is constantly going to fuck it up. Just because he doesn't know how not to be completely Batman. And I want a Catwoman that will have no real part of him until he straightens the fuck out. So I love those two panels. There can be a variety of reasons and interpretations for that look Selina gives. But I think they all wind up in a kind of "Fuck you, Batman" place.

As I've stated before, Batman loves to lecture Selina every chance he gets. And he doesn't miss the chance this time either!

Goddamn this comic book has needed more of these two having real fucking interactions.

Meanwhile, Black Mask becomes some kind of player or opponent or something. We'll see eventually, I suppose. And Selina notices, later that night from her balcony, a woman on top of a building far away. A woman in a cat suit!

Catwoman #35 Rating: +20 Rankings! Okay, okay. I'm just a little giddy from the non-Nocenti I just didn't partake of. Or did partake of! Stupid negatives. Whatever! I suddenly have high fucking hopes for a huge turn around on Catwoman! Hey, Genevieve? How would you feel about writing Klarion soon?