Red Lanterns #35

Hepburn's Guy Gardner has become my favorite version of Guy Gardner after just two covers (this one and the Futures End cover).

Futures End: Red Lanterns #1 was possibly the best Futures End book I read. I still have eight or nine more to go but since none of them are written by Charles Soule, I'll assume none of them will be as good as Red Lanterns was. It's crazy to think that Charles Soule has only recently entered the ring at the Big Two Comic Book companies and he shot right to the top of DC's best writers. I think that says a lot about DC's hiring policy. How about doing whatever you can to attract great writers so that your beloved characters stay interesting and, well, beloved? I understand it must be attractive to hire somebody like Scott Lobdell whom you don't have to worry about because he always makes his deadlines. But if that's all he has going for him (and, believe me, that's all he has going for him), I'm fairly certain you can find dozens of people that can make deadlines who also write better than Lobdell.

But you know what? I'm not in the comic book business! I'll stop backseat quarterbacking your business decisions and just fume silently behind the scenes as you continue to write checks to Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell instead of seeking out talented writers. Who am I, anyway? Just a venomous little troll whose opinions don't matter because I put them on the internet for free, right? I mean, according to just about every comic book writer who decides to throw a tantrum by putting dialogue in their comics lambasting critics and pointing out how lazy and worthless critics are whenever their work is criticized. So I'll just climb back into my hole and continue to live my worthless life that's obviously worthless because I haven't pursued a life that is identical to the life you pursued therefore indicating that I'm a complete and utter failure and not worthy enough to have any kind of opinion that matters at all.

What do we call this ship? Guyce? Gardotter? I need to know for reasons.

I'm not exactly clear on what was happening to the Red Lanterns at the end of the last issue. I think Guy was giving up the ring while Rankorr and Bleez take over? Except Guy can't leave the team because then this book will be incredibly boring. Maybe the entire book is just going to be about Guy and Tora dating. I'd enjoy that.

Tora seems to believe...no, she knows that Guy only wanted to take this particular vacation in Dubai so he could keep an eye on Qurac just across the sea. Or river. Or ocean. Or imaginary body of water that borders the imaginary supremely terrorist nation of Qurac. It's always nice in comic books to have at least one nation that you always know is up to no good. Who needs complexity in comic books, right? Just tell me who is good and who is bad so that I know who to root for without weird thoughts creeping into the corners of my mind, such as "What if America didn't have so many sanctions against Qurac?" or "It's not the people of Qurac's fault that their leader is a megalomaniac looking to become a super powered monster!" or "How do we now the terrorist group known simply as The Jihad isn't really a revolutionary group trying to wake up a sleeping world to horrors which their so-called freedom loving leaders have committed?!" It's so relaxing to just be able to read the word "Qurac" and think, "Those fucking bastards! Get 'em, Guy!"

Fucking dick! You're going down, you monster!

Guy Gardner appears and vomits all over Shahkavat's face. That's, most likely, a huge breach of etiquette in Qurac. Also the destroying the great leader's statue part. Most shameful display of manners, that.

Ice is probably going to be pretty peeved that Guy has put the ring back on. She might also be a little bit hurt that Guy has chosen the ring and the rage over her friendship and love. She's kind of overly dramatic that way. I hope Ice gets so mad at Guy choosing this ring over her that she gets a red ring as well! And they all lived happily ever after and covered in burning vomit.

Oh. I guess Guy has not chosen the rage or the ring. He's chosen the loss of hope.

Before Guy can commit suicide by super powered terrorist leader, a new group of New Gods BOOM Tubes into the middle of the battle. I don't know who they are but they look like New God Lanterns. Did I miss a chapter or something? They call themselves The Wheel and are named Malhedron, Kor, Rad, and Dia. So is Rad like the radius of The Wheel and Dia is the diameter of The Wheel and Malhedron is the, uh, bad shape of The Wheel and Kor is the, um, uh, chord of The Wheel?

The Wheel have come to relieve Gardner of his ring because that was one of the plot points of Godhead that I'd already forgotten. Highfather thinks the rings are too powerful to be left in the hands of mortals. Guy doesn't put up much of a fight since his whole reason for visiting Qurac was to end his life.

Simon Baz arrives on the scene to save Guy's life which, I guess, Guy actually wanted saved. Guy's never been the type to give up. He just came to Qurac to get out some of his frustrations with the shit that the universe keeps dumping on his head. Also, Tora probably got fed up with him fingering the ring and not the thing he should have been fingering, so she went back home.

Oh, you probably don't know who Simon Baz is! See, he's this guy who became a Green Lantern but then never really got a shot to do anything as a Green Lantern because nobody at DC really seemed to give a shit about him? Although I kind of liked him and think he has some potential, especially to star in a Green Lantern comic based on Earth that ignores every fucking cosmic crisis that comes along every few weeks. He can just stop bank robberies and all that boring stuff that Hal Jordan used to deal with so long ago. Also, he carries a gun. Sometimes.

Simon Baz explains the current Cosmic Crisis to Guy.

Guy and Simon get their asses handed to them in about one panel. But The Wheel are called back to New Genesis for more pressing concerns because deus ex machina. That leaves Guy and Simon with some crucial information about the New Gods: they're from New Genesis. I don't know if anybody else had that information yet. Probably. Anyway, now Guy and Simon have a reason to join the gigantic cosmic fray.

Red Lanterns #35 Rating: No change. What happened to Tora? Was she just visiting for the day? Why can't this comic book be about her and Guy instead of about Guy and his anger issues?! More Tora, DC! Pronto!