Saturday, November 15, 2014

Harley Quinn Annual #1

I've been rubbing Harley's tits for the last hour and I'm not smelling anything.

My cat Pelafina will be helping me read this issue since it is obviously meant as a cat book. The issue begins right off with a Rub 'N Smell experience!

It doesn't smell like her butt at all! It smells like leather.

Pelafina seemed interested in the leather smell but she agreed with me that it would have been better if it were ass. The leather smells authentic but then they've had years to perfect it! I think one of the seven Scratch 'N Sniffs included with Infocom's The Leather Goddesses of Phobos was leather, along with pizza, chocolate, perfume, garlic, and, I think, banana? Isn't banana always a Scratch 'N Sniff choice? I can't remember the last one. But you could have King Mitre remove the "T"s from any word. So maybe after changing the cotton balls to coon balls, you could smell those?

Now my whole office smells like Harley's leather butt! Pelafina is pawing at me now which either means she wants to be in my lap and completely in the way of everything or she wants me to hurry up and get to the next Rub 'N Smell!

Just from the leather smell, I'm already getting a headache. No wonder this comic was sold in a sealed baggy.

Harley gets dragged into Arkham Asylum because she forgot to load her gun when she went to do whatever she was doing when we first discovered that her ass smelled like leather.

Done and done!

Harley decides that the readers might want to know how she wound up in Arkham, so we get a smellback.

Pelafina approves of this smell. I'm not sure what it makes my finger smell like. I wish somebody were around right now so I could ask them to smell my finger. I think it's cocoa butter. Or bananas. Although banana is usually my favorite Scratch 'N Sniff smell and this isn't anything like the stickers I remember from my youth.

The advertisement for Arkham Manor smells like sweat and desperation! No wait. That's just me.

It turns out Ivy has been thrown in Arkham because she cares about the environment or flowers or monkeys or something. Harley needs to break her out! Although, really, if Harley waits a few days, I'm sure there will be a riot that will allow all of the inmates to escape.

Why does her lotion smell exactly like a comic book?

I think the lotion was supposed to smell like homicide since Harley is stealing a parachute from some sky divers waiting to get on the plane. I suppose there are safer ways to procure a parachute but they're all less entertaining than this.

The parachute is so that Harley can float safely to the ground after she's launched from New York City into Gotham via her dog poo flinger. It kind of works and she winds up in a new smell.

Has Scratch 'N Sniff technology not changed at all since Leather Goddesses of Phobos?

How can this comic book be graded to determine if it's in mint condition? I suppose it has to remain inside the sealed bag, right? Because to know if it's mint, you have to know if it still smells. But to know if it still smells, you have to rub a bit of the smell off! And then it probably drops a full grade!

That ends the smellback which leaves us to watch as Harley escapes from her cell in a scene full of burps and pants shittings. I would say, "So and so it's not!", where "so and so" is a bit of highbrow literature, but I don't know any highbrow literature.

Harley stumbles upon a secret lab where Ivy is working with some suspicious new Arkham employees. She's concocting some kind of hallucinogenic drug which will probably wind up being tested on Harley since the rest of the issue is composed of various artists. Sounds like hallucination time to me!

This, unfortunately, did not smell like a cock and balls.

Ivy has amnesia or is being mind controlled or something so she's not interested in any hanky or any panky with Harley. That's probably why Harley is going to wind up carving pumpkins. That's how I say "hallucinating" because my friend Bob and I were once going to carve pumpkins for Halloween while on mushrooms.

I think this smelled like Pinesol. I suck at identifying smells! At least it should make me hallucinate, right?

I bet the smell I couldn't remember from Leather Goddesses of Phobos was a pine air freshener!

Everybody gets a nice dose of A Better World, so now the reader gets to go on four different hallucinogenic journeys! The first is Poison Ivy's where she gives the Swamp Thing an erection, burns down some factories, and gets hit on by a gigantic bumblebee. But there are no smells, so let's move on!

Next is Doctor Bliss's acid trip. Her's is boring. Moving on, we get a cartoony hallucination that must be Harley Quinn's, although why would Doctor Bash get the last story?

The story is about Hurl Girl, Harley's comic book creation. Does that clear anything up?

Speaking of mind-numbing bozos, let's add the artist of this piece, Ben Caldwell, to the list for this horrible representation of the flag of the United States of America! This is a cartoon hallucination! Therefore, the number of stripes should be less than normal, not more than normal! Like the number of fingers on characters' hands! DUH! He got it right on the cartoon flag on the board!

The Hurl Girl hallucination ends with Harley as a cat teaming up to fight crime with an anthropomorphic hairball. Obviously!

The final hallucination is that of Doctor Bash. He thinks he's some detective or something trying to solve some obscure murders in a place nobody has ever heard of called Whitechapel. It ends quickly so we can discover the real threat behind whatever has been going on for the last thirty pages.

It's Egg Fu! And the recycled leather smell!

His elaborate plan was motivated by his need for an apartment in New York. Just his luck, Harley is a landlady! And now she has a new tenant that can't spend too long in the sun! And then Harley burps because DC purchased too much Pizza Smell and had to use it twice. But I'm not scanning that one because it's not new! And I've already spent too much time reading this silly thing!

Egg Fu moves into the House of Macabre and the last page has one last smell which is that Pinesol, perfume stuff from before. And now I just realized the Banana Coconut Lotion Oil stuff was used twice too but it was so subtle, and because I still had the same exact smell stuck in my nose from the previous Rub 'N Smell, I couldn't smell anything new and just thought it smelled like the comic book. Anyway, here's a scan of the final page to close this whole show down because it's titillating! That means acceptably pornographic!

Ugh. All those smells gave me a headache!

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