Friday, November 28, 2014

Action Comics #36

Fucking Lego covers.

Regular readers might find this hard to believe, but I hate drama and confrontation. So much so that I just take these fucking Lego covers when my comic book store puts them in my box. I know I can trade them out for the regular cover (and I did for Batman #36), but most of the time I just rush in, make sure I have all my books, answer Peter the Store Owner's question of "What's new?" with "Nothing much" and scurry out as quickly as possible. Then I hate myself for hours afterward. Although coping with the hate allows me to eat a box of Oreos, so it isn't all bad!

Last issue, Lana Lang was in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] whining about how Superman saves the lives of everybody on Earth so much that they're all going to be dead because of it. Way to not do logic, Lana! I bet the zombies that were crawling out of the ground ignore you since there's nothing in your head to feast on!

Superman had just recently come back to town (and by "town," I mean "Earth" (and by "Earth," I mean "our solar system" (and by "our solar system," I mean "our galaxy" (and by "our galaxy," I mean The New 52 Universe (which I probably should have just said from the start))))) and has been checking in with his city and its people to see how they're all doing after Brainiac's attack.

That's the right attitude, Clark! Fuck them! They can do their own Goddamned labor!

Meanwhile, Greg Pak may as well have just spread his ass cheeks and placed his anal sphincter directly on my lips before ripping a huge fart because the whole zombie sequence from last issue was just a dream.

I bet it's called Tromboning when you eat out a guy's ass while giving him a reach around, right? Am I right on that one? This is just like when I invented a drink called the Gojira (or Godzilla as non-Nipponophiles would say) that was one-half Green Monster and one-half Sake. I figured that was too spot on a drink to not have been created already and I looked it up online to find it had been. Although it was called a Godzilla.

Give a girl a little warning, Steel, before you try to shove it up that hole.

This issue is called "Horrorville" so I suspect that John's penis isn't the only thing that's going to make Lana scream before it's over. Maybe the zombies will be real! The dream was a portent! Or did I mean important? It was an importent dream!

Well, Lana has Romero, Craven, Carpenter, and Coscarelli covered. Next will she see two little girls wanting to play with her forever and ever?

It seems Lana Lang is suffering some traumatic brain injury from Brainiac's attack that is causing her to hallucinate pieces of horror movies. We've got Romero's zombies, Craven's nightmares, Carpenter's fog, and Coscarelli's ubiquitous hearse (Coscarelli was the only name I couldn't remember and had to look up. I'm still working on my Grandmaster Horror Movie Watcher badge. I let it lapse for a long time!). Plus the issue was called "Horrorville"! Maybe she'll hear some "chu chu chu mah mah mah" next! Unless you make different noises when doing Jason's theme.

Lana and John follow the hearse to the Smallville Cemetary [sic again!] to discover that Lana's parents have escaped from their graves! That's good news, right? They're alive! Maybe alive in a weird kind of stinky, ravenous undeath...but they're alive!

The fog descends on everybody and even though they were all within five feet of each other (John, Lana, the Sheriff, and the woman driving the Hearse), they suddenly can't see or find anybody else! Whelp, that's what happens when you get covered in quickly descending fog in a horror movie. Also it's always full of dead people.

And sometimes things like this that love to shove its tentacles up the assholes of corpses and use them like puppets.

Superman flies in to punch the alien in the face and make it disappear.

Hey. I have a question. Does anybody in Metropolis wonder why Superman and Clark Kent returned at the same time with the exact same Goddamned beard? No? Nobody? Okay.

Superman finds himself trapped in the fog in Smallville. I guess next issue he'll have to begin looking for clues. The first clue he might find is how everybody in Smallville suddenly has Invasion of the Body Snatchers face.

Action Comics #36 Rating: It's nice to get some smaller stories, right? A break from all the unending cosmic continuity crossovers? I just wish Krypto was involved a bit more than Lana Lang. As far as rankings go, this comic is a standard, middle of the road affair. If you love Superman and if you really love Lana Lang, you probably really enjoy this book. Unless Lana Lang isn't being written correctly! Then you probably hate this book with a passion and wish Greg Pak would die in a gas station men's room bathroom stall. Whatever. I'm not here to tell you what to like! I'm just here to say Action Comics written by Greg Pak is better than some New 52 comic books and not as good as some other New 52 comic books. Go read it yourself! Don't take my word for it!

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