Sunday, November 9, 2014

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

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