Monday, November 24, 2014

Swamp Thing #36

This doesn't look like horror at all! This? This is romance! Bleck!

Abigail hasn't been around for some time because she's not very interesting without her Uncle Anton touching her creepily. Also she's a lousy Avatar of the Rot. You're supposed to be Swamp Thing's antagonist, Abby! Antagonists don't hug! Unless it's a death hug! Swamp Thing does seem to be evaporating wherever he's touching her.

Last issue, A Calculus and their goons had marched into Swamp Thing's backyard and began destroying it. Swamp Thing was busy not destroying the Machine's Headquarters because he's never heard of a little thing called a preemptive strike! That's where you tell as many people as you can that a place that has resources you really want for yourself is the most evil place in the world and that they're going to destroy us all if we don't destroy them first. Then when everybody goes, "Let's see the evidence!", you shout, "No time! No time!" Then you attack the place (or person) as they go, "What the fuck?" Except they probably say "what the fuck" in a different language because it's wrong, for some reason, to attack places that speak the same language as you do.

Everything I've learned from pop culture leads me to believe the same thing: a war with machines is inevitable! The only way we can stop that from happening is if we create a zombie apocalypse first. Then the zombies can worry about fighting the machines when we're all dead.

Swamp Thing returns just in time from his arctic vacation to disassemble A Calculus and their hooligans. I guess Charles Soule can write a fight scene!

Alec realizes he finally has a good reason to call Abigail. He should probably call Buddy as well so it looks like he's keeping the visit with Abby professional. Then he can cough a few times and stare really hard at Buddy as he jerks his head toward the door until Buddy gets the hint and beats it.

If they can't touch, watching each other masturbate is a decent option.

While Alec and Abby create duplicates of themselves which they watch fuck until they burn, A Calculus, along with B Calculus and C Calculus, go about choosing a human avatar for the machines. If I were them, I'd pick Kevin Kho! He's already used to being part of a machine and he's completely human.

They consider Cyborg, Metallo, Cyborg Superman, The Metal Men, and Earl J. Dukeston. Better known as The Duke of Oil! Are you fucking kidding me? Way to pull that guy out of your ass, Charles Soule! Maybe Charles Soule loves the original Outsiders just like I do!

After vetoing all of the people I mentioned, the Calculi seem to be thinking about choosing Anton Arcane as the Avatar of Machines, simply for his experience. They haven't named him yet but they're considering a candidate with all the requisite skills of an Avatar. And Anton seems like the best prospect out there.

Oh! Even better! How could I forget you so quickly, my lovely Lady Weeds?!

Swamp Thing #36 Rating: Swamp Thing under Charles Soule has been one of my favorite books of The New 52. For now, this comic will remain high up in the ranks as I re-sort my rankings. What will it become when Soule leaves though? I hope whoever takes over after Soule turns it into a dark, disgusting, horror story full of unheimlich and uncanny valleys! Or something. I might not know what I'm talking about.

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