Saturday, November 8, 2014

Aquaman #35

With "King--no more?" ending in a question mark, I would have gone with the ellipsis as my choice of punctuation. I think the em dash calls for an exclamation point.

I just had a really stupid idea! I'm going to dust off my Inform skills and make tiny text adventures for each title of The New 52! And when I say tiny, I mean super duper tiny! Like one fucking puzzle and it's done! That may sound like it won't be too much work but then I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to writing text adventure games. I tend towards the "make sure every response has an answer no matter how ridiculous" school of thought rather than the "a standard 'I don't know what the fuck you're talking about' response" is good enough. I figure Inform is easily accessible although I still like programming in TADS better. And I know I can implement TADS to be easily played in a browser window. Maybe I'll super dust off my TADS skills and just use that!

Christ, what am I saying?! I haven't used TADS in nearly ten years! Forget I mentioned it! Like I said, it was a stupid idea! Although one that intrigues me enough that I'm only saying forget I mentioned it so that you won't be disappointed when I never get around to it even though it's quite possible I will. You know, someday.

My Aquaman adventure would probably revolve around Aquaman stopping everybody from eating things because Aquaman has a serious issue with sustenance.

This issue begins with Aquman inviting the beaver into the hornets' nest. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea what language my brain is translating the idioms which it comes up with. I thought about changing the ending of that sentence to "with which it comes up" but since "up" is also a preposition, why should I fucking bother?!

Is he "granting a visa" or "putting him on house arrest?" Claymato, Clawmato.

Arthur wants Dr. Shin to come to Atlantis to deconstruct its history. When Arthur mindmelded with Chimera last issue, he realized that Atlantis is based on lies. Maybe. It's also possible it's just based on writer after writer retconning the whole fucking shebang every seven years or so. Things are going to get a little confusing after a few decades.

Doctor Evans is also being brought to Atlantis because why not bring along some hack archaeologist thief that thinks science is coming up with theories with no supporting evidence and then believing they must be true because why else would a scientist have come up with that theory? Another belief he's held: if a hole in an ancient rock is trident-shaped, stick a trident in it!

Atlanteans ride Dickdodons?! Or, as science so wrongfully refers to them, Plesiosaurs.

If Atlanteans ride Plesiosaurs, I suppose that means Aquaman will soon be discovering a mini-Atlantis out in Loch Ness? Probably the secret headquarters of some vile arch-nemesis that he doesn't yet know he has?

Aquaman takes the Underrealmers, the rebels who tried to kill Mera a few issues ago, out of prison and exiles them to a chasm in Antarctica. They're now free to build their own kingdom where they can hate whomever they want for whatever reason they want to hate them. It sounds like paradise! It also sounds like trouble in thirty or forty issues once the colony has become strong enough to be the antagonist of an exciting six issue war against Atlantis.

I think of Dr. Shin as more of a "fremesis" than a "frenemy."

The land scientists discover that Atlantis is full of souls. That's something the water scientists couldn't figure out on their own because they believe in science and not hoodoo. Good thing Dr. Evans was on this team or this discovery could never have been made up! They determine that it's these souls that fill every inch of Atlantis that are shaking Atlantis apart because they think Aquaman is a greedy surface land grabber and Mera is his whore consort. Also, they don't recognize his royalty. Evans believes that doesn't make any sense because shouldn't Aquaman's mother's soul have told the other Atlantean souls that Arthur is her baby? Shouldn't they be pleased with Arthur on the throne?

To solve the mystery, Arthur exhumes his mother's corpse which is a simple matter of swimming out to an unguarded sarcophagus and pushing back the lid. The only problem is the sarcophagus is empty! Which can only mean one thing! Atlanna was eaten by an octopus? They can, like, remove jar lids and stuff, you know? No wait! The only conclusion is that...SHE WAS NEVER KILLED! Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

Aquaman #35 Rating: No change. I can't believe Aquaman let everyone eat their meals undisturbed this issue. He's getting soft.

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