Saturday, November 1, 2014

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"

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