Batman Eternal #31

Best Brave and the Bold Team-up that never was. But is now!

Oh, poor you! Did I hurt your feelings because I said your favorite hero sucked? Get over it! What if Sailor Moon had such thin skin? Would she ever have...wait, she did have really thin skin, the fucking cry baby. But she still saved the world over and over again because she never let assholes like me get her down! Buck up and stop caring about what an idiot on the internet says! You do know about 95% of this blog is facetious irreverence, right? Oh, of course you don't know that! Because everything has to be taken so fucking seriously! You kids have a difficult road to, um, pave if you're going to stop every three feet to lecture someone on not paving the way you think they should pave. And then instead of moving forward, you stand their tapping your toe waiting for an apology?! Jesus fucked! Don't let anybody else define you or what you love or how you pave! Just fucking get....

What the hell am I talking about?! I guess if I don't know, how are you going to know? I think I must have gotten my feelings hurt and decided to take it out on whatever random reader was sensitive enough to think I was talking about them! Ha ha! Take that, you mystery innocent! I sure feel better now!

On to the comic book! And don't worry, Aquaman isn't in it so there's a 50% chance that this commentary won't devolve into pointing out how idiotic he is! Oh stop trying to defend him! We all know he's super strong and dense and bullets bounce off of him and he can smash cars with his testicles! That's not an argument against why he's stupid! Those are just deflections so you don't actually have to think up a reason why he's not stupid! Whoops! Sorry about that! I guess there was only a 20% chance that I wouldn't start bashing Aquaman.

It's about time! I've been jonesing for an all out Arkham breakout!

Too bad Batman cleans up the riot in about one page. What kind of a lame ass version of Knightfall was that?! It's supposed to be a challenge when Batman has to battle all of the escapees from Arkham! I feel cheated by DC! Again!

Forget about Batman beating down the escapees. That's all old hat. And it's especially not interesting being drawn by Fernando Pasarin. I just can't get past how he draws such elongated torsos and squinty, weasel eyes on everybody! Anyway, there's that bestest Brave and the Bold Team-up to read about! And I know I'll love it even with squinty weasel eyes on Alfred!

Ah ha ha ha! You scamp, Bane!

I hope they have a song and dance number! It's not beyond the realm of possibility since Alfred is currently hallucinating. But instead of a gay romp through the sewers, Bane and Alfred are overwhelmed by black hand demon people. It's not as hilarious as the dance would have been.

Batman does some stuff and Hush does some stuff and Spoiler does some stuff and some of the stuff mixes in with some of the other stuff. And then the dance number happens although it's a bit weird without any music.

Now kiss!

Alfred leads Bane to an underground Batman cache and computer room. Bane never realizes it  though because the entrance is trapped and Bane is gassed. Alfred finally gets back in touch with Batman and Penny-Two and a pitiful, whining, nearly dead Batwing. "Help me! Help me!" he moans. Does it always have to be about you, Batwing? This is Alfred's moment!

And that other Hush, Batman, and Spoiler stuff I mentioned earlier? Nothing really happens with it. I guess Batman will have to save Spoiler from Hush next issue.

Batman Eternal #31 Rating: No change. Remember how in the television show, Alfred would occasionally dress up as Batman to fool everybody into thinking that Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't the same person at all even though all of the evidence pointed towards that conclusion? And simply posing as the Batman was all he could really do because he was a frail old man that would probably die immediately if he took one punch, even from Burgess Meredith? Well I think the comic book Alfred can put on the suit and do just as well as the regular Batman! Alfred might even be better at being Batman than Dick Grayson! Why isn't that a comic? Arkham Manor is a comic book! They can do a year's run of Alfred Pennyworth, Batman.