Sunday, November 2, 2014

Arkham Manor #1

I have no idea what the fuck this title is about but at least it isn't Tony S. Daniel's Deathstroke. Ugh. That's next!

The issue begins with that minor incident that just took place in Batman Eternal #29. You know the one? The one where God's Wrath (or Man's Wrath (or, let's face it, just plain old Jim Corrigan's Wrath)) shot up through Arkham Asylum from underground where Deacon Maxie Blackfire Zeus cast some spell on old Jimmy. It's probably Corrigan's fault for not releasing The Spectre earlier like Batwing kept suggesting. Instead he kept it pent up inside until he couldn't contain it anymore. And now that Arkham has been destroyed, where are the crazy people (or the even crazier people that think getting off on an insanity plea in Gotham is better than going to Blackgate) going to live?

Oh! Wayne Manor! I get it now! I guess with Batman busy chasing down Hush, and Alfred busy hallucinating his ass off in the ruins of Arkham, and Penny-Two having always wanted to open a Bed and Breakfast, everything has aligned to make Wayne Manor the perfect place to rehabilitate the criminally insane!

But first, everybody needs to argue about whose backyard will have all the entertaining new neighbors in it.

This series is going to be an entertaining, joke-filled look at mental illness, right? I can't wait!

Mayor Hady, using the vile, evil right of eminent domain (a "right" that probably cost me millions of dollars in inheritance money since my grandfather's family owned a bunch of orchards along Wolfe Road in Sunnyvale but had to sell at a low, low cost of pennies on the pennies because the government is, and always has been, full of assholes) decides Wayne Manor is the place the insane outta be. Sounds good! Although I hope the Batcave has its own bathroom or Penny-Two is going to have to poop in the Batmobile.

A note says that this issue takes place after Batman Eternal #30 which I haven't read yet! I hope I don't get any spoilers! I knew I should have violated the sanctity of the comic book stack and read Batman Eternal #30 this morning!

Uh oh. I think I just read a spoiler about "the idiot son" having lost the family fortune! I think he still had all of his money at the end of Batman Eternal #29! Did Hush steal his debit card and guess that the secret pin was 537154? That's as close as I can get to making Catwoman's name out of numbers!

Batman does some Narration Boxing so that the reader understands that he allowed this to happen. Sure you did, Bat-Genius! Unless it's all explained in Batman Eternal #30! If it is, then I'll apologize for calling you a Bat-Genius.

Nobody noticed the secret staircase behind the grandfather clock? Or the firemen's poles that appear when you push the button in the bust of Christopher Marlowe?

Apparently Batman filled the staircase with concrete. And I think he got rid of the poles years ago because they were just too campy. It seems he doesn't mind giving his house over to Gotham so the criminally insane have a safe place to live. And also a place to keep the rest of Gotham safe from them. He seems to really care about the needs of Arkham's old inmates, mostly because his father wanted the mentally ill of Gotham treated better. Usually Batman doesn't think twice about putting a mentally ill person in the hospital. But for now, he's pretending he cares. I can't wait until he drops the facade and starts making jokes about schizophrenia!

No wonder Batman is afraid his secret identity will get out. Just think of all the lawsuits that would be filed against him for criminal assault!

Bruce Wayne has rented an apartment somewhere in Gotham that he has yet to gentrify. Alfred is there getting drunk because, having recently been pumped full of Scarecrow's special "Piss and Children's Tears" Fear Formula, he's realized life's too short not to throw it all away in nightly bouts of drunkenness. Also, Alfred's back?! Spoiler!

Alfred informs Bruce that something has happened back at Arkham Manor that Batman should probably look into. Did they forget to bring Batcow? One of Alfred Pennyworth the Cat's catnip meeses? Alfred's twelve inch butt plug? Penny-two?!

Oh. The Scarlet Sodomite was killed in Alfred's old room. I guess Batman should investigate that.

Bullock reveals to Batman that another inmate was killed earlier as well. And that's when Batman realizes it's time to institute Plan "This Plan Always Works" Plan. You know the one! The one where Batman (or Nightwing) pretends to be somebody else and gets admitted to Arkham? It's the best way to solve cases! I think it's also the reason inmates constantly broke out of Arkham. Because they'd stumble upon one of Batman or Nightwing's secret escape hatches that they used to get out once they solved the case from inside Arkham.

Arkham Manor #1 Rating: I think I'll enjoy this series for as long as it goes because it's something different and enclosed within a small world. It's kind of the exact opposite of Batman Eternal. But they'd better start making jokes at the expense of the mentally ill already so I can have something to be pretend angry about! This one can begin in the middle of the pack to sink or swim on its own merits.

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