Thursday, November 20, 2014

World's End #5

Solomon Grundy sucks at wearing masks.

This issue is called "Emerald Quest." Is that a pun? I would have called it "Ermahgerd Querst" and Alan Scott would be all, "Ermahgerd! Serlermern Gerndah!" And Solomon Grundy would be all, "Ermahgerd!" And I would keep on cracking up and shouting, "Ermahgerd!"

I wonder if Earth-2's version of Amethyst (Ermahtherst!) will show up since we're going on an Emerald Quest. I bet it turns out the Emeralds are really space travelers and their ancestors had to transform into Emeralds to survive and they lost their magical emerald abilities because they remained too long in their gem form and forgot who they were and had lots and lots of half-emerald children who eventually wanted to learn where they came from so they went on their Emerald Quest and never, ever got a movie even though Marv Wolfman practically promised me right to my face ten years ago that the Elfquest movie was going to happen! I guess I'm just lucky he didn't rewrite the script so that all the elves were raped by a villainous space demon rapist.

As Queen Lantern and Solomon Grumpy try to battle, The Green steps between them and insists they fist and make up.

The Green is a tree with bosoms!

Alan Scott doesn't seem perturbed by the sudden appearance of The Green. But then Alan Scott is gay. Also I might not really know what "perturbed" means.

Three pages are wasted on Mera not revealing what she's going to unleash on the world now that she doesn't care what happens to it. She's all, "Dark things live in dark places! Hungry things live in hungry places!" And then she kneels before a face carved into a rock wall where the cave is the mouth with lots of scary teeth around it. That's probably where the scary thing she's going to unleash lives. I bet her secret weapon is Starro!

Boo! Solomon Grumpy works for no man! Or Earth Spirit! Or woman who has crashed through the glass ceiling in her business skirt and power heels!

The Green mentions that other colors rule Earth-2 with her. The White which represents the living atmosphere. The Blue which represents the hopeful ocean. The Red which represents the angry living things. The Yellow which represents the fearsome dandelions. The Indigo which represents the compassionate future children. The Violet which represents Hallmark. And the Orange which represents the selfish orange.

Master Comic Book Reader!

Sure, sure. Starro hasn't appeared yet! But look at that panel! It's a star fucking someone's face! Totally Starro's modus operandi!

Back in London, The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, Doctor Cocoa Puffs, and Hawk Cop strip Famine naked and hang a mirror in front of her. The plan is to force her to "experience the same fate" to which she has "already doomed so many." That seems an awful lot like fat shaming!

Over on Amazonia (try not to get whiplash as we ping pong back and forth amongst the various plot threads), Sloan reveals that he's been working on a secret spaceship with technology that even Apokolips has never seen. And Mister Terrific has been working on a contraption called a Boom Sphere which can kill gods. When did these guys have time to create such horrible weapons of war? Isn't it the military who is supposed to twist science into imaginative ways of killing the most people in the quickest amount of time? Shouldn't these science guys simply be working on equations and theories?

Okay, Sloan is an Evil Mr. Smarty Pants, so I expect it from him. But Mister Terrific?! No wonder he winds up dooming Earth-The-Main-One.

And finally in the Geneva Firepit, Replacement Batman and his team stumble upon one of Apokolips's secret experiments.

No! Why bring Superman back? Now Val-el is just going to be some second rate chump that refuses to punch stuff. I mean, that's what he is already! But now it'll be obvious even to stupid readers!

World's End #5 Rating: No change. I thought the Horsewomen of Apokolips were going to be truly terrifying and wreak a ton of havoc and introduce Earth-2 to their dogs of war and kill lots and lots of silver age heroes? But they've barely made any kind of impression at all! Do you think Daniel H. Wilson has a plan for this book? Or do you suppose DC just told him that he has to reach a specific end condition within a certain amount of time and he and Marguerite and Mike can just make up whatever shit they want week to week as long as Earth-2 eventually winds up where DC needs it for their ongoing stories? I think Daniel H. Wilson should tell me what his plan is so that I can tell everybody that he knows what he's doing and to trust him. I promise I won't spoil it for anybody else!

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