Friday, November 7, 2014

The Flash #35

I've only been waiting for it because that's how comic books work. I suppose I could have called up Van Jensen to describe the fight to me.

Two versions of The Flash fighting really isn't as exciting as DC Comics makes it sound. Since they both move super fast, their fight is equivalent to a brawl by two drunks over who ate the last potato wedge. I'd rather see The Flash battle a talking monkey. Preferably in a story entitled "Gorilla Warfare." Because that hasn't been overused. Also not been overused? Saying something hasn't been overused! Oh wait. I just overused it. Sorry.

If I were The Flash, I would constantly be losing my shit. Why isn't he constantly punching holes in his walls waiting for Firefox to fucking load a webpage? What the fuck is wrong with you, Firefox?! Why do you constantly stall and disappear and then reappear and then scroll all the way down the page when I didn't ask you to and then spit in my fucking face? If I were living at a speed that made the rest of the world slow to a crawl, I think I'd kill myself. Remember, everything you do quickly, in your eyes, is at a normal speed. So even if I were to do a bunch of chores while waiting for webpages to load, it would still feel like the webpage is taking hours to load while I washed the dishes and vacuumed the rug and jerked off. Oh man. Jerking off at super speed must be terrifying! Although you wouldn't notice you were going super fast, of course, because your brain compensates and it just seems like the world around you is slow. But you'd know that you were yanking at your cock a thousand wanks a minute! Would the Speed Force protect your tender parts or is the Speed Force as judgmental about "private" activities as God is?

My point is that being a speedster must be fucking torture. How does Barry Allen even sit through a movie? STAR Labs probably has to rig up movies to play at super speeds so that he doesn't feel like he's watching an old fashioned slide show where somebody decided to repeat every slide twenty times. I guess Barry just has to be satisfied with reading comic books.

Don't tell me the Speed Force only kicks in when he wants it to and other times he's going at normal speed because I don't want to believe that nonsense.

Okay, so Future-Flash had finally made it to Forward-Flash's time in Central City. He's ready to save the Speed Force! For some reason. Why, exactly, does it need to be saved again? Is it because with the Speed Force out of control, Hitler is now living in Central City in 2014?

Why is Hitler in a hurry? Poland isn't going anywhere! Hmm. Too soon?

I suppose with the Reboot and all of this time travel nonsense and the Speed Force being out of whack, that really could be Hitler! His moustache is a bit wide but he's got the hair and the salute down pat!

Once Future-Flash checks his Goopple Wrist Computer to determine he's in the right place and time to fix the Speed Force, he kills Barry before Barry knows what's happening. Oh no, sorry. He kidnaps Barry so he can tell Barry what's happening and make the job difficult, if not impossible.

The Flash is already selling Flash merchandise? Cereal Bowls and Women's Flannel Nighties?

Future-Flash takes Forward-Flash to the Salt Flats where all of the important Flash history takes place. That's because that's where the wound in the Speed Force began back when that one thing happened that caused that other thing that sucked. It's all detailed in past issues of The Flash if you're interested in the particulars. But, and I'm guessing here (again!), Future-Flash must need Forward-Flash alive to seal the tear in the Speed Force which is probably why he didn't just blow a hole straight through Barry as Barry ate his cereal.

This issue is called "Out of Time." I would have called it "Running Out of Time" but then I just can't get enough mentions of running in this comic book. Cracks me up every time! "Wait, wait, wait. Did that guy just say he was 'running errands'? Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Barry learns how Future-Flash intends to fix the wound in the Speed Force and it isn't ideal.

Oh Brett Booth! You're a master of making me not care about sight. Barry's look here is anti-anime. Small Eyes. Big Mouth.

Okay, everybody say it together! "There is another way! Future-Flash can die as well! Problem solved!" So now we just wait for Wally West to travel back in time (thus fucking up the Speed Force even further) to kill Future-Flash for having murdered his uncle, Reverse-Flash. That will fix the Speed Force and then nobody has to be a murderer because Wally-Flash will no longer exist. Unless there are two to fifteen paradoxes implicit in the solution and then I guess it's time for a new Flashpoint?

Actually, it can be undone since the point of origin of the tear is known, just stop the monorail from being charged with the Speed Force or from exploding or any number of things that will result in the tear never happening. Also, Future-Flash said "newsflash." That was funny, hunh?!

Comic book logic is the best. If Future-Flash says the tear can't be undone, well then, I guess it can't be undone! But he can find the place in time where it's still small enough to not be much of a problem and can be closed. So can't he go even further back in time until it's even tinier? Or does it just sort of reach a minimum size and then it's continuously hanging over the Salt Flats no matter how far back in time you run? Also, why does the tear in the Speed Force remain in the same place in space relative to its position on Earth? Why doesn't it remain in the place it happened as the Earth and the solar system and the galaxy zip away from it? Oh wait! I know why! Because of the way the galaxy expands like the outside of a blown up balloon! Everything moves away from everything else while still retaining its exact same position on the outside of the balloon. Right?!

I know another way to seal the wound in the Speed Force! Barry Allen can sue it closed! It looks like The Flash's trademark lightning bolt and, as we've seen earlier, The Flash is already marketing products using that symbol. So now he just needs to get a few trademark lawyers out to the Salt Flats to present the wound with a cease and desist. Problem solved!

Ha ha! "All flash!" Also, gross! He fights a villain named Plaque?!

Right before Future-Flash does his finishing move on Barry Allen, he yells the killer one-liner he's been dying to use! "You're the stitch in time." Jesus, Future-Flash. That sounds like the kind of finishing move yell my grandmother would have come up with.

And then Wally West appears to save time! I mean, he shows up in time to save time. I didn't mean it looks like he saves time. He hasn't saved time yet! Unless he has? Time travel is confusing!

Did Wally get leg extensions to help him run faster?

Wally winds up absorbing all of the excessive Speed Force leaking out of everybody and then blows up, sealing the rupture. Fans of the Preboot Wally West cheer! Because the new imposter dies, not because Wally saved the world. Jerks.

Now Future-Flash is future-sad because his whole reason for coming back to the past was to save Wally. But now Wally is dead! It was all for nothing! Except for the part where reality is saved because the rupture was closed. And now future Wally West doesn't have to come back in time to save it, so Wally West will live! Also, he won't be killed due to Reverse-Flash because Forward-Flash is no longer going to lose time every time he runs. So what the fuck is Future-Flash so sad for? Maybe it's because he's still being drawn by Brett Booth? Also, he can't go back to the future. So he'll have to stay in DC's current timeline. Which is probably a good thing since Forward-Flash is either now Way-Back-Time-Flash or he just was transported to Mystery Dinosaur Island. Also his speed is gone. Also, there are murderous robots that scream "Exterminate." Hmm. I hope Barry's trademark lawyers aren't seeing this.

The Flash #35 Rating: -4 Ranking. That drop is for this overall storyline. This is why I don't like "alternate future timeline" stories. Here was a big story with lots of big ideas and big things happening and what was Barry's role in it? Simply passive, ignorant, cereal-eating bystander. Everything just happens to him. He never actually plays a heroic role in this story. He just notices his watch keeps slowing down and then his future self appears and then future Wally appears and then the problem is solved and Barry is just left as confused as ever. Barry didn't learn anything. Barry didn't accomplish anything. Barry might as well have been a sexy lamp.

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