The Multiversity: The Just #1

Dude. So wish, being the amazing Man-Bro that I am, this were a copy of Maximus so I could wank to minor female celebrities in their underwear.

If this were an issue of Maximus, I could be looking at air-brushed, nearly naked pictures of famous women that refuse to pose completely naked because they probably have weird nipples. Plus, Maximus would be full of Man-Bro articles about doing things that all Fratboy Man-Bros know show us living just on the other side of the line of civilized acceptability! Like drinking fake Absinthe or pointing out when women have weird nipples. We're like wild animals and shit. You can't tame us! This is the part where I'd probably howl and fist bump some other Man-Bro because it obviously impresses all of the ladies.

Speaking of nipples, I'm fairly certain that if I saw a picture of the actor that plays Diggle on Arrow's nipples without any other context to the body that they were on, I'd masturbate to them. Any woman would be proud to display those nipples to a room full of hooting Man-Bros! Seriously, he's got some sexy nipples. Um, you know, for a guy! Being that I'm a total Man-Bro, I have to make sure that you know I'm fully heterosexual! Minus those hazing experiences in college that I totally didn't like and only did to become a full fledged Man-Bro. Although it is kind of weird how none of us like seeing each other's dicks and yet, every year, we make the new Frat Recruits pull theirs out for our pleasure. I mean, amusement. I mean, entertainment. I mean, to call tiny and slather mayonnaise on before we make them dip them in the Koi Pond!

This issue begins with a couple of super hot super babes talking about whatever super hot super babes talk about. I don't know. Why would I listen to the words coming out of the place where my dick goes?

Didn't Elemental Girl once kind of kill herself? That was pretty ruff, know what I'm saying?

Dude, one of my Man-Bros, Diddler, just read that line about where my dick goes and said, "Your dick goes in my hand! Burn!" That's gay, right? But it's also fucking ignorant because words don't come out of his hand. That's not a well crafted burn, Bro. Better go back to Burn School on that one. My insults graduated head of the class at Burn School because they're on fire! Oh yeah! Holla!

The Atom is currently in Sister Miracle's bloodstream. Can you imagine how tiny his penis gets? Talk about a grower, right? I wonder where else The Atom's been inside Sister Miracle, right? Right?! I know you were thinkin' it, dude! If I had The Atom's power, I'd call myself Fuck Spelunker! And I'd call my Man-Bro Diddler "Spunk Spelunker" because you know why! He's totally into man juice!

I wonder if the guys in that all gay fraternity call each other straight and hetero all the time? I bet every day during hazing week ends in an orgy with those guys, right? Lucky fuckers! I know it's not gay to wish you could suck your own dick but what about this: since I can't reach my own dick with my mouth, what if I had another Man-Bro suck it while I sucked on fat sausage with my eyes closed? That's like I'm sucking myself off and practically full hetero, right?

Two thousand words? I can answer that question in like twelve: "Batman is totally gay if he's banging that bald broad."

Nah man, I'm just joshing! That Alexis Luthor is super cute. Plus she's fucking hilarious!

See? "Gay!" Ha ha! Totally!

Then this broad starts talking all uppity and shit, using unintelligible words like "post-modern" and "picto-fic" and "predatory." What the fuck? I'm just trying to read a book about Batman kicking the shit out of bad guys! All this comic book talk about comic books inside of other comic books being talked about by the characters of the comic book is getting me all frustrated and sleepy. Fuck this shit. Somebody else read it. I got some beers here ain't gonna drink themselves.

Exeunt Man-Bro (finally, amirite?).

We've already got enough people on the internet that seriously talk like that, so I don't think there's a real need for me to satirize them. They're doing a good enough job satirizing themselves. Here's a perfect example of these guys satirizing themselves: Julien Blanc. I imagine many of you have already read that post going around with dozens and dozens of his offensive tweets. But out of all that shit, I found one tweet that is actually a well-crafted (albeit unintentionally well-crafted) joke (which is still offensive but that doesn't mean that it's not well-crafted. Although can something be well-crafted if it was unintentional? Anyway) in which Julien, unknowingly, satirizes himself:

"The woman sitting next to me is too sensitive. She's not even the fat cunt I was talking about."

The real humor in this joke is not that a woman was called a fat cunt but in the ignorance of the man using the phrase "fat cunt" who cannot see how insulting it would be to the woman sitting next to him. Now this Julien, I'm sure, probably just thinks calling a woman a "fat cunt" is funny and fails to see how the tweet really pokes fun at the guy tweeting it. My friend Diddler said that I should write for Julien and my response was, "That's just what he needs! Somebody that can make his misogyny palatable!" That was a joke because not even my smooth charms can make a fat cunt joke palatable!

I wonder if Julien didn't steal that joke from an old stockpile of already extant racist jokes? It sounds vaguely familiar, like maybe I heard it from that one guy in middle school whose father was a racist drunk asshole who steadfastly taught his son every offensive joke he heard at the bar the night before.

Anyway, I know the previous discussion is kind of hard to take from this staunch hero of comic book commentary blogs that you've grown to love for his pithy wisdom and ingratiating affability. I'm not denying the joke is offensive. But I did want to mention it since it has, at the very least, one foot solidly inside the camp of a successful joke, especially since the joke is about the teller and not about women being fat cunts. And it's a joke I'd only tell in this context because I think what I really like about it is that this Julien guy is so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to how this joke is really skewering Julien by pointing out how he's so mired in his own misogyny that he's tone deaf to who this joke is really skewering!

Back to Multiversity! Let's see how offensive Alexis can continue to be!

Oh Grant. You're so adorable. Pointing out how you're trying to make super heroes interesting but you can't because they're not interesting anymore!

Everybody is so bored on Earth-16! Earlier when I was acting like a Man-Bro, a bunch of citizens were walking around as Gotham City was invaded and none of them were even pointing to the sky! Whenever there's a crowd scene, artists always make at least half of the people in it pointing at the action! So obviously the people of Earth-16 feel too safe! They're complacent! And you know who else is complacent? Sheeps being led to slaughter! I mean, sheep! Multiple ones! Not singular ones!

Everybody on Earth-16 seems to be legacy heroes who have become bored, disenfranchised young adults because their parents completely cleaned up the world by arresting all of the super villains. And any trouble that does come up now is taken care of by Superman's Robot Army. But Chris Kent, the current Superman, has decided he and his best friend and fellow Hardy Boy, Damian Wayne, have a mystery to solve: the Suicide of Megamorpho! That does sound like a good title for a Super Hardy Boys Mystery!

Meanwhile, Alexis Luthor hides under a lead lined coat in the closet because Damian doesn't want Chris knowing he's fucking Chris's father's arch-nemesis's daughter. Superman notes, during his conversation with Damian, that he can hear breathing. I'm sure he can smell her as well. Although it would be just like a Luthor to tamper with their DNA so that their body never produces any smells! Smell. That's one thing I find disappointing in comic books. Smell is rarely ever dealt with. I mentioned in a Batgirl commentary how Alysia should be able to recognize her roommate by smell. It's not that odd. Friends get to know and recognize each other's smells. And Superman? Holy Geez! Superman probably wants to rip his nose right off of his face most of the time.

This is so fucking cute.

Now I need an Earth-16 comic book. Just a bunch of young, bored super heroes trying to find something to fill their lives and having conversations like this! No punching! No alien invasions (except those quickly mopped up by Superman's Army of Robots). Everybody fucking everybody else. Although I'd really want Sapphire Mason to not be dead. She's my favorite!

I'm sorry Grant for ever doubting you in anyway. Amen.

Apparently if Lex Luthor put on lipstick, I'd begin crushing on him because Alexis Luthor is fucking cute. She also knows what's what when it comes to Superman and Batman.

Or this could just be her penchant for calling everything gay.

I guess Bloodwynd will be the hero to join up in The Bleed with the others since Bloodwynd makes an appearance at Megamorpho's apartment where a bunch of legacy heroes (Superman, Wally West, Connor Hawke) along with Kyle Rayner, the last of the Green Lanterns, are investigating Sapphire Mason's suicide. Sapphire has a copy of the "haunted comic book" in her apartment so that's probably the mystery solved right there. I don't think anybody else has finished reading the haunted comic book because they keep getting interrupted by other heroes wanting sex or wanting to solve mysteries.

Meanwhile, Kon-el is evolving into something incredible because all Superman clones eventually turn into Bizarro on Earth-16. If that were true on all Earths, Superboy would be my favorite character! Eventually.

In the Nevada desert, the Justice League do some training exercises against Red Amazo. But the training quickly turns into a real battle. I guess DC decided that "bored heroes" couldn't keep the readers interested for the entire comic book.

Plastic Man's son was dating Metamorpho's daughter. Just think of the bedroom antics!

Batman discovers something in the comic books Sapphire was reading while Superman gets some information from Mento's daughter, Holly. She used the Mento helmet to psychically rummage through Sapphire's corpse where she came up with some images of The Grey Lady and The Gentry. Looks like Earth-16 is going to get some exciting visitors. Also Nix Uotan. He's a visitor too but less exciting. Although he has a monkey! Just like Wordgirl!

Batman believes the comic book infects whoever reads it and that it's from a parallel world. He's a pretty good detective! Maybe the multiverse's greatest even! No wait. It's Damian. No way did he become a great detective. Adequate, maybe. But not great!

Then there are two different groups of panels that I could scan: one contains more information about what is happening in Multiversity and the other has Menta acting cute.

Who cares about the Multiverse? Look how cute Menta is!

And then all hell breaks loose as the Robot Superman Army are taken over by Alexis Luthor (infected by the haunted comic book) using her ex-boyfriend's Genie. She sends them out to crash Sister Miracle's party and probably destroy the world for The Gentry. But fuck all of that! The party of the century is more important! And Lobo's in the pool!

Nobody in this issue manages to use the Lex Luthor Portal Thingamajig to make it to The Bleed so it may have been another version of Bloodwynd that wound up there. Or he'll get there later since Alexis did have a portal set up in her apartment. Hopefully Damian Wayne accidentally used it though!

Earth-16 is my favorite Earth so far. I hope the Robot Superman Army doesn't destroy it all.