Sunday, November 16, 2014

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?

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