Sunday, November 30, 2014

Justice League United #6

Supergirl cannot exist as a Lego character because Lego people do not have bums.

Why won't my stupid fucking laptop stay fucking connected to this fucking bullshit Xfinity piece of motherfucking shit fucking fuck fucked up fucking Gateway?! fuck fuck FUCK (I need a font that has an intermediary look between small letters and capital letters for that middle fuck!)! Fuck you, Comcast! Can you send a representative around to my place so I can punch that representative square in the throat? Now that would be some customer service!

And fuck all you pretentious assholes who wish I would swear more creatively! Shove a fucking fuck right up your fuck hole! Fuck is perfectly adequate in expressing blind rage! I'm not doing this to entertain your ivory tower sensibilities and Shakespearean wet dreams. If you want creative swearing, go read a sailor's blog! Or some holier than thou nitwit's self-induced spoogefest of a webpage who believes that anyone who constantly uses 'fuck' instead of making up something like 'dickclitoris!' whenever they stub their toe is a complete and utter cumdragon. Eat my ass vagina, you cock-mackerel!

Now I'm in the right mood to read Jeff Lemire's attempt at the worst story he's ever written!

By the lopped off foreskin of a half-Jewish sorcerer! He's already hitting puberty!

While Equinox babysits Ace Ultra (who should be old enough to take care of himself in a few hours), Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes battle Byth's super-mercenaries (The Cadre) up on the surface. And since Supergirl is on Earth and in the fight, some stuff must have happened between the end of the Annual and the beginning of this issue. Either the story has jumped ahead or I suffered a serious head injury since reading the Annual.

The Cadre are missing two members: Crowbar and Fastball. Crowbar was last seen in Vibe where I mistook him for a new creation by Sterling Gates but Sterling Gates left a comment saying, "No, you tightly puckered pig's anus. After careful consideration and due diligence unless I mean proper research, I selected Crowbar, a well-established character in DC's canon, for this pivotal scene. You gay retarded monkey blister." I was surprised that a well-established, popular creator with such a fantastic first name would use a phrase like "gay retarded monkey blister." He probably should have just went with "you fucking fuckity fuck." It is possible, although quite unlikely, that I'm remembering the quote incorrectly. Another possibility is that I just made the whole thing up and am pretending to have gotten the quote wrong to distance myself from the creation of the insult "gay retarded monkey blister."

The members The Cadre isn't missing are Overmaster, Shatterfist, Black Mass, Nightfall, and Shrike. I guess Overmaster is a middle management asshole that micromanages The Cadre; Shatterfist relies on a very specific form of martial artists that only works against people making fists (which he shatters); Black Mass is a satanist; Nightfall is the elf I fantasized about the most; and a Shrike is a shitty tricycle. Together, they form a team that will probably get its ass kicked by the Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes.

See?! What is Supergirl doing there? Maybe it's an after image created by the Zeta Beam technology being so closely tied to her vagina.


See? There it goes again!

While Supergirl freaks out in the snows of Moosonee, Canada, Supergirl battles Byth far out in the Polaris System.

I'm fairly certain that's racist! Unless what Byth is doing is encouraging Rape Culture. Whatever is going on, I'm certain that something here is problematic!

Calling everything problematic is like the Biblical story of Chicken Little who cried wolf. It's why so many people have a problem with deconstruction. Because the tool is overused. It's like using a chainsaw to accomplish everything in your life. Sometimes you don't need to butter your bread while also cutting the table in half and losing a leg. Sometimes!

Justice League United Space Division is in the Polaris System to recover Hawkman. But he doesn't seem to want to be recovered.

Kicking somebody in the face is my go to way to convince them that I'm their friend.

Like an overpaid soccer player, Courtney takes a tiny hit and falls to the ground screaming bloody murder. Buddy turns into Sabretooth and rips apart some space cult guys before hiding his wedding ring and going back to check on Stargirl.

Back on Earth, Martian Manhunter and the others learn that Black Mass can teleport (not from Brainiac 5 who is spouting data about their enemies left and right and probably center but from Black Mass himself) when he teleports to get his hands on Equinox and Ace Ultra. Level 12 intelligence my ass!

Seriously. My ass is way smarter than Brainiac 5.

Black Mass teleports his victims to the Polaris System and then teleports Supergirl back to Moosonee. Except he must overshoot because she arrives back on page three! I guess.

Once Ace Ultra winds up on Polaris, he stares up into the weird space anomaly thing that's been anomalying in the background for a few pages. And then lots of yellow space demons come out of it and try to end the universe! Or begin the universe. One of those. I suppose the only difference between the two is the current viewer's perspective.

No surprise, Sardath can't get his Zeta Beam working because Supergirl's vagina is still shaken up from Black Mass teleporting her across the galaxy. So Brainiac 5 calls in Legion's back-up squad.

Fucking really? These guys didn't stop existing after Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell sodomized them for a full year and a half?

Legion Lost returning just brings up too many questions that nobody is going to answer for me. Like why the fuck was time travel outlawed after Flashpoint and then subsequently ignored by all of the shittiest writers at DC during that time (you know which ones I'm talking about! I just named them in that previous caption! Morrison also wrote a story with the main three Legionnaires visiting Superboy, so fuck Morrison as well!)? Legion Lost could have returned home at any time! Because look at what's happening here! Brainiac 5 and friends have traveled back in time? Too bad they didn't think to travel back to page one of issue one of Legion Lost to rescue their friends from the severe butt beating they wound up taking in that thing once DeFalco took over.

Justice League United #6 Rating: Look. I get that time travel sparks lots of ideas in imaginative and creative writers. But it also sparks lots of cop outs and plot contrivances and illusory motivations in the worst comic book writers. And it just completely screws up everything because nearly nobody can do time travel stories well. DC Comics, you fucked up huge when you lifted the ban on time travel because no editor wanted to tell Scott Lobdell the simple truth: characters from alternate time lines coming back to the past are breaking the fucking time travel policy! I'm sure Scott whined and pleaded and acted very smarmy when he pointed out that it's an alternate timeline where Flashpoint didn't happen so they still have time travel. You answer that by hitting him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "NO! WRONG!" You don't roll over and say, "You're a genius, Mister Scott Lobdell!" Because that's both a lie and a huge lie. Fuck you for losing control of your New 52 universe not even one year into it, you stupid fucking assholes. I hate you, DC Comics. And you too, Jeff Lemire, for taking part in it! I thought you were my friend! I thought you were a good bet! Your name on the cover of a comic book meant something! Well, no more, sir! NO MORE!

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