Twat Lobo #2

This cover says, "Are you ready to be bored by whatever is going on here? A barbecuing accident, maybe? I don't know. Whatever."

Last issue, Twat Lobo killed the first of eight demolition specialists that have been paid a good deal of money to destroy Florida. I guess it's one of those "whoever destroys it first gets the money" kind of contracts. You know, the kind assassins and mercenaries love to take on so much because they have so much time to waste trying to complete a job that they might never get paid for. In this issue, Twat Lobo will probably kill one more of his targets. It might prove to be a little challenging in the first third of the book but then he'll pull it off in the end and cut off somebody's head while saying, "Sorry. Not sorry." Then I'll put the comic book down, go into the bathroom, vomit up my dinner, take off all of my clothes, sit in the shower, and cry for three hours.

How are they supposed to look Florida in the eye before destroying it? Of course they're using technology to do the job! What kind of demolition specialist punches a structure into rubble?

I'm pretty good at deciphering texts when they're simple substitutions. But this one where every letter is a skull and crossbones could prove impossible. I'm going to try anyway!

Grunt Brother #1: "You are loving a cow!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Who fucked a sheep?"
Grunt Brother #3: "Bovine!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Bessie!"
Grunt Brother #1: "Eww..."
Grunt Brother #2: "Who?"

Before Twat Lobo kills the next three of his targets (although I'm assuming they only count as one and his contact lied about his contract), he does admit that these guys would have a hard time looking Florida in the eye. Florida the state! Not Florida Evans the strong yet loving mother of three.

Just count these guys as three of the eight! The contract was for eight kills. Twat Lobo is going to get a reputation for being a chump. I hope.

I have absolutely no feelings for this character. It's just a pale imitation of one of DC's preboot characters. He's fucking annoying. And everybody that is attracted to him can jump in front of three buses. You're ruining comic books by supporting this bullshit.

Twat Lobo climbs out of the ancient cave with thousand year old drawings by an alien race on the walls and exits through a portable toilet. Because that's exactly how those things work! They're just big plastic rectangles positioned over deep holes cut down into the earth. He takes the world destroying device with him and heads back to his stupid looking circle cycle. That's where he finds three new characters that insist they're going to be his partners.

If I were Cullen Bunn and I were given this assignment, I would want to shoot myself in the face every time I used that phrase.

Twat Lobo's new partners are Rave, Luna, and Emily. They're sure to become the next big hits in the world of comic book fandoms! But first they need more fleshed out personalities than bald mustache guy, cowboy hat wearing bad ass, and short person. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a comic book! Those are perfectly acceptable personalities.

Twat Lobo has a flashback which shows him as a lover and a protector and an all around perfect twat. We hates him.

Twat Lobo and his new team kill the third target in Shanghai. He's a robot that enjoys wearing human skin. Now that's a great personality! Too bad he's dead now. He was the best character in the book so far. His plan to destroy Florida was to cause a zombie apocalypse. Which he started before Twat Lobo could kill him. So now this book just got super exciting because it's zipping right down the zeitgeist freeway! Zombies! That has to be an exciting comic book seller, right? Look at how well The Walking Dead is doing and that's totally all about zombies! Twat Lobo is going to make DC scads of cash!

I bet Cullen Bunn's script just read: "Page 17: Lobo battles zombies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Another thing Twat Lobo does that is getting increasingly more annoying: he keeps mentioning The Code. Nice easy parameters for Cullen Bunn to build the motivations behind the character.

Nerdgasm.com: "Tell us about Lobo, Mr. Bunn."
Cullen Bun: "He's a bad ass that can kill anything but he has his limits!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What are those limits?"
Cullen Bunn: "Well, they're parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What's the code?"
Cullen Bunn: "You'll find out as the comic book progresses! Whenever I need to limit Lobo or set up a situation to challenge him, I'll think up new parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "So you don't believe in writing a fully realized character then? Just a version of the real Lobo that takes direction from a set of rules you make up on the fly to direct the plot?"
Cullen Bunn: "Fuck you! Your stupid ass website is name Nerdgasm! Assholes."

Twat Lobo and his new partners defeat the zombies. Afterward, Twat Lobo doesn't kill his new partners. I can't wait until Rave, Luna, and Emily become Heroclix. They're going to be so popular! Emily even said, "Taste hot, melty death!" That's like a totally whimsical thing a teenager would say, right? And Luna said, "My bad!" Ha ha! Who says that for real, right? "My bad!" Such a hoot! And did you see Rave's handlebar mustache?! Ah ha ha! What a cut up!

Twat Lobo #2 Rating: No change. It wasn't bad enough to lower its rank. But I'm not enjoying it at all either. This is the worst fucking character since Vibe.