Saturday, November 22, 2014

Green Lantern #36

I wonder how many covers throughout DC's two hundred year history involve a gigantic hand grabbing a hero? I bet the majority of those covers are giant hands grabbing Hal like this one or the giant hand is The Spectre's.

Across the last few issues of Green Lantern, the Green Lanterns have been learning that their most powerful weapon in the universe is a dime store novelty in the face of New Gods technology. And yet the New Gods themselves are treating the rings as the most powerful weapons in the universe. Which leads me to believe that all of the Lanterns are using their rings incorrectly and have no idea what the fuck they're doing. That isn't much of a surprise seeing as how Mogo has lost his ring and not one fucking Green Lantern has offered to give up their ring to save their own fucking headquarters. Somebody could at least pull the Sinestro trick and create a ring for Mogo! I'm beginning to believe that Sinestro isn't an arrogant asshole at all! He is the only person that knows how to use a fucking ring.

I'm going to adapt this speech for use at Thanksgiving on my own father!

Orion might be a loose cannon but even a loose cannon points at the right ship twice a day. Those rings are bullshit! I don't think Highfather needs them to defeat Darkseid at all! I think Highfather just wants a fancy set of cock rings.

Meanwhile the Green Lantern Corps are rushing off to ask Sinestro to teach them how to best utilize their power rings. Too bad they're headed to Sector 3502 instead of Sector 3567 where New Korugar actually is. Can't they do anything right?

Somehow, the Green Lanterns still manage to find New Korugar even with Venditti and his editors constantly fucking up its location. Unless Cullen Bunn fucked up its location! I have no idea where New Korugar really is now!

The entire universe is about to go down the toilet, Bohemian Guardians. Don't fuck up your only chance at saving it by insulting Sinestro!

Don't worry, Sinestro! As I've already pointed out, I know you're the most powerful Lantern in the universe. Kyle Rayner? Most powerful? Don't make me rant!

Hal Jordan's plan for battling the New Gods is to ask William Hand for assistance. The Bohemian Guardians forbid Hal Jordan from recruiting the Black Lanterns to his army. But what right do they have to tell Hal Jordan what to do? They aren't real Guardians! They have no authority here! Which is why Hal Jordan, according to the cover, is probably just going to ignore them.

Sinestro, being Hal Jordan's truest friend and most hated enemy, gives him a good pep talk that involves very little pep and lots of punching. But it serves its purpose! Sinestro convinces Hal Jordan to do what Hal Jordan does best: do something completely irrational!

Dammit! I don't want to find common ground with Hal Jordan! But I think this is why my uncle, an engineer for Lockheed Martin, enjoyed playing Chess with me when I was a stripling. Because my game playing was such a terrific, thoughtless mess that it made it a challenge to beat me.

Sinestro takes the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps to Qward to hide from the New Gods until Hal Jordan can bring back some fodder for the upcoming battle. And that fodder will be given to him by Black Hand and the Black Lantern Corps.

The Black Hand is busy on Earth being the lovable, B-list villain loser he's always been at heart. He's just hanging out in Coast City waiting for Hal Jordan to resume his old school adventures battling villains that never should have posed him much threat as they robbed banks and mugged joggers. He's decided to enjoy an old fashioned circus while he waits for Hal to return to his old school ways.

Why isn't Dick in the act? Oh my God! Dick Grayson isn't really dead!

Hal Jordan asks Black Hand to gather up his ridiculous army and join the fight against the New Gods. I'm sure he'll say yes.

Green Lantern #36 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Sinestro and The Black Hand were written to my liking. But the Green Lantern Corps themselves aren't doing much to help the ranking of their own book! The jerks abandoned Mogo when they could have easily helped the big guy out! Stupid assholes. Hal Jordan should have marched up to one of those asshat Green Lanterns that refuse to use their ring because of Relic's Peak Emotion Theory, snatched the ring off of their finger, and given it to a great big lovable planet that wants to use the ring for good. Poor Mogo. Nobody fucking cares about Mogo.

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