Monday, September 1, 2014

Sinestro #5

Parallax is simply the physical manifestation of DC's mistake of having made Hal Jordan evil.

Whenever a new season of Parenthood drops on Netflix, I wind up binge watching it because, sometimes, you just have to watch a show that you really shouldn't be watching. Here's how nearly every scene goes in Parenthood: one character stumbles on their scripted lines as the character they're speaking to blubbers and mutters and gasps and repeats words from the other character's lines in shock and astonishment. Then the other character speaks their scripted lines as the first character mutters and mumbles and emotes in reaction to the other character's reaction. Nearly every scene introduces a conflict because the basis of the show is how family can overcome anything, even all fifty thousand stupid, bullshit conflicts the characters have to deal with in each of the ten thousand mini-scenes set up in the first thirty five minutes of every episode. A lot of time is spent having Character A tell Character B how they should be seeing their lives while Character B looks contemplative and hurt. Character B then goes off to fuck up their life because of that seed of doubt put in them by Character A who has moved on to fuck up Character C's life with more doubt and insecurities. But I think the only reason I hang on and keep watching the show is because of Ray Romano's character. If anybody on any show has ever captured how I interact with other people, that's the character.

Speaking of Ray Romano, anybody remember his appearances on Dr. Katz? He fucking killed those episodes. His sitcom should have been fine tuned to his act instead of watered down for family television. But whatever. I guess masturbating on your twins isn't acceptable for family television. Also, I'm not sure he ever made any jokes about masturbating on his twins. Also, I think I just realized why no network has ever picked up any of my scripts for television shows.

Speaking of Ray Romano's character from Parenthood, he reminds me of Sinestro so I guess that means Sinestro reminds me of myself. He's coldly logical, a completely arrogant asshole, and has mastered fear! He also really, really hates Hal Jordan. And so do I! It's possible we hate Hal Jordan so much because he's the goody two-shoes frat guy reflection of our rebellious, anti-establishment selves. Hal Jordan believes in the system and authority. He may constantly butt heads with authority figures but he believes in the need for them to exist. Sinestro believes he is the authority figure and how dare anybody ever tell him how to do anything. That's so me! Although I can't stand Sinestro trying to be friends with Hal Jordan. It feels like some kind of betrayal.

Holy God's Shit, stop saying that! What does it even mean?!

Is Cullen Bunn trying to be profound? Did some eighth grade English teacher once tell him that profundity lie in contradiction? "Sometimes life is the most sweet when everything is sour." "Success can only be achieved through abject failure." "Bailing only leads to the big payoff." "To write one's deeds into the carcass of history, one must use invisible ink and an untranslatable language." "Love is merely hate turned back on itself." "How many of these stupid things can I make up before I stop making up stupid things. Or something."

Currently, Hal Jordan is not Sinestro's truest friend because Sinestro does not give him a bro-hug. Instead, Sinestro unleashes his Yellow Lanterns on Hal because Hal is acting all preachy again. Is this scene supposed to be tense? Should I be worried that Hal might be killed?

The main thing I learn from the battle is that I will never learn the names of all the Yellow Lanterns. Dez Trevius? Rigen Kale? Sinestro?

Um. Shit. I just realized that Sinestro means "without estrus" in Spanish. What the fuck, DC? That's kind of a weird name! No wonder Dex-Starr has no interest in being a member of the Sinestro Corps.

I suppose it was inevitable that Hal Jordan show up in this comic book since he's been wondering where Sinestro had gone. Now he's going to tell Sinestro what he can and can't do, and Sinestro is going to tell which objects and body parts Hal should shove up his ass. They'll probably yell at each other for a bit before Hal says something like, "Fine! Do whatever you want! But don't expect any help from the Green Lanterns!" And then the readers won't be filling up forums wondering why Hal Jordan isn't putting a stop to Sinestro's foolishness.

Here's the part where Hal tells Sinestro what he can and can't do.

Sinestro and Hal pull out their erect penises and knock them against each other for awhile while the Yellow Lanterns watch. It's basically the same battle they had each week on Challenge of the Superfriends except with less sports equipment and more penises. Hal is able to keep his penis erect for a long time even in the face of Sinestro's monstrous appendage.

It's a good thing Hal is without fear!

Hal Jordan's erection is no match for Sinestro's and he puts it back in his pants. Then comes the part where Sinestro lists all of the objects and body parts that Hal and the Green Lantern Corps can shove up their rectums.

And I guess this is the part where Hal says, "Fine!" He's just not as enthusiastic about it as I thought he'd be. Buck up, Hal! Size and monstrous appearance isn't everything!

Sinestro #5 Rating: No change. I suppose this confrontation had to take place. But did it have to be so boring?

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