Friday, September 12, 2014

Futures End: Green Arrow #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! High und mighty! Old Goggs shoulda peezed off dem Clorox Cola Companies mucho minutes ago, ja? Dem cheaperskates! Yer know how much koku she pocketem from her sparkly fresh sponsor? Well, never youse mindem, sees it? Dems financies personal! But Old Goggs knows someun mit da initials G.M.D.H. gonna git a bigup aural boost! Gonna force even more dem lower voices ta lissen at her! Youse lower voices sure do lovem dat Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies), ya disgusteverted menaces! Aw, youse knows Goggs lusts ya, yeah?

Anydust, Old Goggs gots a free crate a dem Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) via delivery drone, feels? Nah, nah. Dey didna deliver ta Goggs' secret skydyhole, ya Mopes. She made specialized 'rangements ta pickem it up via covert carriers und black ops mogocycles, gang signals und skylanterns, coded massages und subtle body languages. Ya ain't gots ta worry none bout any badbads what might still be carryin' grudgers from past historicals--mostly a the Saint Lois kinds, see?--findin' Goggs less she wanna be found. Member dat, hitpeeps. Ifn ya find yasself lookin' at Goggs down da sights a yer puny bonger gun, know dat Goggs wantered it dat way and ya betterest has yer wills filled up and Herbied, feels?

Anydust, hows bouts Old Goggs crack upopen one a dese here bottles awhile she reads dis here Green Arrow funfun littyraptures, ja? Ya all ya all mightswell pour yerselfs a drink and settle in, sees it? Bedtime telltales fer yer easy trip frough dreamslands, kay?

[loud sipping noises across several seconds followed by squishy chewing sounds]

Fuckity cults, ja? Firs round trip affer da General Breakdown, seemed like ya couldna piss yerself mitout soakin' some Mope clarin' loyal-ties ta sum blabber mouthed, knows-it-all what spoutin' da reasons fer everduster's troubles. Nonna dem ever could spoutem da answers to dem troubles! Und dats why all dem fuckity cults corpsed it. Well, dat and de fact dat mos' of em corpsed demselves in mass ritualisic suicides.

Old Goggs ever tell ya bout dat time she joinup a cult on her way eastward affer dat Saint Lois affair blowed all up in ours faces? Sees, Goggs was near to starfin', bloodsters all ups and downs her poor foots, clothes what looked like dem beads curtains mit Ganeesh painted all over em, sees? Right fuckity mess, she was. More corpse den womans. Not da first time she finked da Dusty Stretches had finally beat her right down ta feelin' she'd climb up inna grave if'n one jess happen ta come 'long. I uz jess beginnin' ta mindthinks, "What if'n I jess eat my nogood hand? Dat gotsta be some nutritionals, ja? Und da onny fuckity ting it be good fer anydust is changin' up da masterbatin routine." Dat when Old Goggs heared sumfink she'd never tink she gonna hear 'gain: fuckity rumble bumble of a VW bus. Couldna say a word. Couldna move. Dat fink jess comin up behinds me, swayin' and weavin' and rockin' in da dusty winds like it sum fuckity drunk what got physics gainst its very standin' and yet der it was, comin' and comin' and almos' fallen over but still comin'! Joyous voices pourin outta ever brokeded window on dat stinker. Dirty faces smilin' outta dem windows. Long, greasy hair flippin' and flappin'. Da big open space on da side where da door used ta have been. Dat fing was painted ever color ya ever dreamed of and probably some ain't been seen since Formertimes and never gonna be seen again. Like I says, Goggs--dat still be me--jess standin' dere watchin' dis ting approach. And Goggs still be corpsed in dat same place, drop dead a malnutritionals sure as The Goddess give away fancy prizes, ifn' dem peeps in dat bus hadn't screamed und yelled and smiled big as ya can please and dey all leaned outta dat fuckity deathtrap with their tattooed arms and tattered jean jackets, clawin' and graspin' and pullin' old Goggs aboard as it barely slowed a mile.

[loud sipping noises across thirty or so seconds]

'Pologies. Dat memory always makem da tear ducts wide. Goggs never asked for nuttin', she didna beg dem, she didna even make a motion. But sure as birds shit up a statue, dey took her boarda dat rollin' machine and made her welcome as ya please. Dey gived me hydrates and chocos and some stale fuckity bread dat tasted like grandmama's meat sauce on fresh made pasta. Dey stripped me duck naked and used somma yellow water, mayhap it been dere piss, whatevem, ta wash me clean as can be. Put me in a light cotton dress, washed up me swimmin' goggles I uz wearin' ta protect gainst da wind and da dust, and handered me a fuckity sprig a burnin' somefing ta suck inta my lungs and slip away inta dreamsland. When I woked, we was all still rockin' and swayin' and da cutes' little fing mit da mos' handsomest face Goggs ever did see under five layers of dirt, grit, and grime, says...he says, "Goggles, you just about kissed your motherfuckin' ass goodbye on the road back there. Welcome to Buzztown."

Anydust, mayhap da rest a dat story be for anudder time, ja? Back atya Green Arrows, feels?

[several loud gulping sounds followed by the sound of another bottle being opened]

Shockiest of shockers! Oliver Queen and Lois Lane jump startin' the jalopy a life!

Green Arrows stumbled 'pon some secret what puttin' everduster's life in danger. Sos he's gotsta skeez it. He fuckin' found out some secret and now he und his mates are in all kinds of corpsifyin' danger. Dis story...where did dey...I mean, it's jess like old Sain.... Oy fuck. What am I doing? What the fuck am I fucking doing? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucking sorry, Cummerbund. Little Tokyo. Skates. So fucking fucking sorry. But we...I mean, we just couldn't figure out...there was nothing else to do. You know. You all know. You knew. Your faces...fucking Christ...yer faces. You all knew. Alice B Toklas, I miss you so fucking much, babe. There just wasn't any other fucking choice.

[loud, uncontrollable sobbing interspersed by gulping sounds and another bottle being opened. Footsteps descending in volume. Several minutes pass before sounds of someone approaching the microphone. A chair scooting on floor.]

Fuckity Techknow Ratfinks go und put in dis here delay switch fer jess dis kind of fuckity 'casion and Old Goggs fergets ta hit da switch. Fuckity Rat Wine. It ain't no good, I tells ya. Jess ain't no good. But no worries! Dusty Stretches beats on and we gits do over affer do over, feels it? How bouts back ta dis littyrapture und Old Goggs ain't gonna let it git her down nos mores, eh?

Oliver Queen doin' what needs be doned. He gonna git dem Outsiders on his side. He gonna save de fuckity world. Cause he gots meanin' in his life, sees? He gots dem 'sponsibilities. He's got dem tough choices. All ya alls down dere in da lower voices, ya fuckity luckouts, feels me? Jess tryin' keep yoself uncorpsed, dat's a fuckity luxury, git it? A fuckity luxury.

Dat's a bueno fuckity lookin' gang, eh?

Somehows, Oliver figgered out 'bout Cadmus and dat island mit alla dem Twofer Earf heroes. He needem dem Outsiders if'n he gonna safe 'em up and fixit up dis New Earf, gets it? He gonna need him own secret orgnazation ta take down da King Faraday's secret orgnazation. Deys probly bunches and bunches more secret orgnazations as well acause dat's almays da way, sees? Jess like our neberendin' gangs and cults und religy zects. Everduster fightin' y bitin' and clawin' y brawlin' fer da peace of all pie.

Green Arrow gots dat idea right, tells it. He knowem how ta change da fuckity world. First step: ya gotsta git da proper peeps up in da same headspace. Second step: ya gots ta tell everduster da right story. Gits em ta believe da lie, sees it? Dat part fuckity easy. Prof showed me how way backs. Third step: collectem all da techknowhow and all da knowledge and work it for ya. Take it from dem whats fink power and force alone be da way ta change up da world. Sneaks it. Prepares it. Keeps it all hidden way. Fourt step: Risk yer fuckity corpse fer all dem fucking marbles. Hit dem dat want powers hard. Kick dem dats wants control in dem vulneryble sacks. Spits, scratches, claws, screams. Make da drama; make da scene. Fift step: None a da 'bove was da real steps. What da Prof called, lessee..."legerdemain." Ya gonna lose lots a gute soldiers but ya cain't fight da real fight on The Real fields, sees it? Mirrors. Dems be more powerful den rockets, sees? Cause dem rockets ain't killin' nuffin' but shadows. Nuffin' but gute hearted, trusing, loyal-tied shadows. But it cain't be helped, sees it? It jess cain't. Winning be all dat matters when da dust settlem.

Ha ha. Ah ha ha ha! I sees ya gots my message. Gute one, mang. Gute one.

Fuckity. No more Rat Wine (mit jellied pinkies) fer Old Goggs. Fuck if mebee she didna say too much tonight. Hells. Whats matter anyway, long runs? Goddess keep ya sober, what. Und watchem out fer da Illumimasons! Ha ha! Boozers!

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