Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Futures End #21

From this point on, I will no longer be calling any archer in the DC Universe a super hero.

Last issue, Red Robin pretended to be caught breaking into the offices of The Fast Lane by Lois Lane. He was all, "Whoops! How did I not know that you were still in the offices when I am nearly the smartest person in DC Comics and I once discovered Batman's secret identity although I really didn't but then Scott Lobdell rewrote the story for Secret Origins so that it seemed like I knew who Batman was all along because Scott Lobdell likes to pretend he had plans to do things differently when fans tell him that the way he originally did them sucked. Then he writes a new story that reveals that his old story wasn't the entire truth and the new story is the way the fans wanted it. And then he says, 'See? Now you have crow's eggs on your faces because you did not trust me and my far reaching plots which reveal themselves in ridiculous ways but eventually show that I didn't really mean for Starfire to be a cum dumpster or for Tim Drake to be stupid or for Tim Drake to actually be Robin even or for the Teen Titans to have already existed before they even actually New 52 existed or for...well, I could go on like this forever but you get my point!'"

I forget the point Red Robin was trying to make to Lois Lane before Scott Lobdell interrupted so now I have to start over.

Forget about Red Robin and Lois Lane. That story isn't going anywhere unless they begin fucking. Let's remember together where Deathstroke and Grifter were! No wait, they were on Cadmus Island. That hasn't changed for dozens of issues. I actually don't think I need to recap anything because then I'd just be repeating all of my recaps from the last twenty commentaries because the plot on this thing moves slower than a snail crapping molasses.

Your army of archers? Get out of there, Barda! You're just going to wind up carrying them all! And Green Arrow will take all the credit! And he'll steal your technology for Q-Core! Unless it's Q-Corps! Maybe it's Cuke-Whore?

Red Arrow, who didn't die over in Earth 2 even though he was dead over in Earth 2, tells the story about the war that's been referenced multiple times in the last twenty issues. Earth 2 was overrun by Apokolips forces, so a bunch of ships full of Twofer heroes and civilians escaped to The New 52 Earth. But they were followed by parademons! New Earthers were all, "Oh man! Fuckin' dicks! Don't drag your shit onto our doorstep!" Although some New Earthers weren't total dicks and were actually super heroes (not Green Arrow, Roy Harper, or Emiko), so they decided to help battle the parademons (with the help of Green Arrow, Roy Harper, and Emiko). And I guess they won even though they suffered terrible happiness like most of the Teen Titans being killed. Big Barda thought Mister Miracle was killed early in the conflict but Emiko has told her different. So Barda is kind of impatient with Red Arrow telling her the story that she already knows.

I'm a little impatient as well! Most of this comic book has now been simply putting all of the various references to the war into a linear story. Does DC Comics think we're morons? They already told us this shit and we, the most intelligent readers of comic books ever (that includes most of the people that read this blog. Most! All of you that I don't mean, you don't know who you are because you're so fucking stupid. Ha ha! Stupids! All of you that are smart enough to know that you're not a stupid dumb dumb, point and laugh at the stupids with me! No wait! Don't! That's mean! I would never do that! I mean, starting from this moment where I just realized it was mean, I will never do that!) have already pieced this story together! So hopefully Green Arrow has something fantastic to say before the story gets to some good old fashioned fucking!

What is old fashioned fucking? Sepia toned fucking in dirty Victorian rags? Or just looking suggestively at somebody's ankle from across an empty room where proper decorum dictates the sexes remain separate. Lucky Victorian homosexuals! I mean, lucky right up until Oscar Wilde over played his hand and ruined it for everybody! Not that I'm blaming Oscar Wilde for the uptight bigotry of the closeted people of power which turned the fear of penises touching into a complete loss of male intimacy which eventually turned most men into obnoxious dudebros! Don't try to deconstruct me into being a victim blaming asshole, you opportunistic piece of righteous wrath and perfection! Stop trying to make me look bad by purposefully misunderstanding me!

See? Just like I typed earlier! I knew New Earthers were jerks! I mean, I was only guessing before! But now that I have proof, I knew it all along.

After the war, Green Arrow began investigating the government agency that demanded Twofers carry ID cards and obey a curfew. It was probably run by Sloan and Sloan! But during his investigations, he ran afoul of Deathstroke and met Red Arrow, his Christmas Doppelganger. Although I agree with Red Robin: he seems more like Speedy's doppelganger. Together, the Christmas Arrows discovered Brother Eye and a traitor named Maxwell Payne and, eventually, Cadmus. They knew Cadmus was collecting all the Twofer heroes and squirreling them away on a secret island. But Green Arrow knew he was no match for Deathstroke since Deathstork Deathstroke is a super hero and Green Arrow is just this guy, you know? So Green Arrow had to gather an army together to fight his war for him! His army was mostly just The Outsiders (not the awesome Outsiders with that cute little Halo and that hilarious Metamorpho and that cool dude Black Lightning and that motherly murderer, Katana...oh wait! Katana actually was in his Outsiders! But not the others!) and some normal, every day people that knew how to string a bow. But now that they have some actual muscle on their team (Big Barda!), they're ready to invade Cadmus!

But not yet because that story took up this whole issue. You'll have to wait a few more days to find out if Hawkman and Amethyst have Nth fucked. Unless you're relying on me to tell you about Issue #22. And then you'll have to wait a lot longer because I'm going to be in Denver for a week.

Futures End #21 Rating: No change.

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