Saturday, September 27, 2014

Futures End: Superman Loves Wonder Woman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Well fuck. Jess...jess fuck. Goggs and her caravan ain't even half da way up to Old York und all dese lower voices startem ta git restless. Seems bunches of em thunked we were out ta git us some koku, and raid us some feed houses, mebbe take us a kitten farm somewheres in the big green. Things be in da bucket seat und steerin' dese lower voices ta ruin. Seems dey cain't handles an idea a livin' mitout material wealth. Dey all wants somma dem old possessions, feels? Gittin' bored mit travel. Gittin' tired y hungry. Gittin' restless. Now, mos' of em gots nodust to go, so dey stickin' mit us. But won't gonna be long now fer scads of em takes off fer dere own fing. Und dat's fine...dat, well, dat's jess fine. Goggles ain't gonna keep harboring no 'lusions she gonna make all dem happy. Some dem gonna go back and rebuild up dem burnt cities, or jess heads ta one dat ain't been rioted on. Dey jess gonna find demselves livin dere lives fer some fuckity richie, jess like almays. But who be Goggles ta say dat's wrong, sees? Let's 'em go. Let's 'em all go, if dey wants. But Goggles...she gonna find a better way und she jess hopin' she can make dis world better fer some dese here poor wretches. Hopes ta meet Professor or one his messengers in a few minutes and git us an update on dat kinder place, Death Carousel. Mayhap dat gonna be da place we alls end up, startin' over, livin' mit trust y love and helpin' each other git through dese Dusty Stretches rather dan preyin' on each ovver jess ta make it anovver day. Crossin' dem fingers, feels?

Until den, Goggles still corpsin' time mit dese here fun fun littyrapture books. Got da second one in dat two parts story mit Wonders Woman y Supersman. Dey gonna fight, pobably, even dough dey should git fuckity mit each ovver, ja ja?

Dis be a step in da right direction. Ya knowem, fer da fucking.

Supersman and Wonders Woman never does git 'round ta bang banging. Instead Wonders Woman gives up da mantle of the God of War ta acomes da God of Peace. Und, um, I guessem everting turnered out okay affer dat.

Do mos' dese here Future End fun fun books Goggs been readin' seems like a bigbig waste a dust ta ever ovver duster too? Dis here fing given da big hope dat Wonders Woman gonna turn ta peace und save da world. But what da fuck goin' on in da world here? Dis whole Nemesis fing seems mucho different dan da big Earf 2 war goin' on in da ovver books. Is dis fing a metaphor or somefin? All dese books jess lousy fantasies bout what dese characters mightem come ta in da future but mos' likely ain't gonna come ta ever. Some dese stories hints at da stories gonna be told in da comin' minutes but acourse none of 'em gonna end da way dey do in dese here books. Readin' dese here books jess like watchin' some duster masturbate fer awhile und den never climax. Big sorry bullshit, me finks.

Why da fuckity do Old Goggs keep readin' dem, hunh? She keeps wishin' dey gonna be entertainments but dey keep windin' up bein' disappointments. Dey jess gots no point. Life a'eady got no point; stories outta have one, feels it? Story drags out, it gonna end mitout resolution, mayhap mit no point at all. Dreams never goned for. Hopes never attained. Conflicts never resolved. Story gotta haff an endin', see? Mos' dusters in dere own story what gonna end when dey corpse it but dere story ain't gonna be worth hearin the tell tale of, ja? Littyrapture shouldna outta be da same way. Tells me somefin got meanin. Gives me characters I wanna roots fer. Donna jess write bunches and bunches a chapters dat ain't ever gonna git nowheres never. Old Goggs might as well jess be talkin' bout her own life dat be da case, sees? Cause looks at dese lower voices I be surrounded by. Fuckity maniacs, drug droppers, psychowindups, grievers, lossers, bendups, lespers, slothgullies, time bandits, beggarts, und more. Not a one person in dis group give one rat's ass koku fer Goggles McDeathhurt, sees? So whys am I wasting my time mit dem, and mit dese here fun fun books?

Fuckin' shoulda stayed in Buzztown.

[Loud screeching]

Hey, Archivist Melville? Why ya fuckin' stop, ja?

[Slight electric hum followed by a gasp from Goggles]

Whoa. What da fuck is dat? Um, hey ya, lower voices, Goggles gotsta go fer now. Lookin' like dem mutant raccoon bikers ain't no urban, sees it? Shit, I hope dey is friendly or dey corpse it easy. I bet dey sure am tasty, feels?

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