Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Futures End: Constantine #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Or shoulds I sayem, "Welcome back, Goggles!" Took some turns fer da worst fer a few minutes, feels it? Old Goggs' skydyhole were alla kindsa shot up und ruint by dem thugs contractered out ta make Old Goggs a martyr. Sure, she coulda gone out Obi Wan style und becomed more powerful den ever but fuck dat shit, sees? Goggles loves living. And it ain't not likem I gots lucky survivin' dat raid on da skytoucher, sees it? When ya gots an enemy what ain't got no kind of imagynation so ever, ya almays gonna be moves and moves ahead of dem. So Old Goggs knowsit, she sayem ta herself, "See here? When ol' Shortstuff final-like acides ta bring down dat silver hammers on Old Gogg's head, he gonna do it in da mos' violent, direct manner. He gonna send big ol' bastards mit big ol' weapons and dey gonna storm rights up dem stairs, and crashem right frough dem winders, and shoot shoot shoot up everting what moves." Dat kinna peeps, ya can trap right easy. So fuckity easy ya wouldna believe. Dem kinda traps also leafs behind alla kinda blood and gore. But Goggs were done mit dat skydyhole anydust. Da onny fing dat surprised Old Goggs uz dat stiff bastard, Wazzerman, be da one fink he gonna end Old Goggs. Fuckity glad he did, feels me? Onny fing dat 'complished uz givin' Old Goggs a bit a dat sweet, succulents revenge. Dat ones head gonna stay mounted on Old Goggs' new 'tenna fer da long dust. For Alice B Toklas, sees it?

Anydust, Old Goggs now taken her show on da road where it be best servin' her cause. Dem Techknow Ratfinks been busy busy gnawin' y chewin' and nibblin' y scribblin' up so many plans upon plans. Dey come up mit dis short wave shit what gonna carry Goggles' message from 'tenna to 'tenna to 'tenna mounted on vehicles drivin' all 'round ever fuckin' city dem richies fink dey owns. She gonna git her message out, sees it? And she gonna do it from da back seat dis comfy fuckity limousine mit dis dumb dumb license plate sayem "EATME" on it. She got a whole stack of funfun littyrapture books by her side and she gonna talk 'bout 'em all, and tell her stories, and make a fuckity fuckload of friends, ya hears me, Shorty Shortstuff? Ya a'eady practically los' Old York, yer favorite. But ya gonna lose 'em all, swears it. And ya gonna haves ta lissen ta Old Goggs as she finds da words of wisdom from dem Formetimes prostignosticators. First off be...lemee sees it..."Futures End: Constantine #1." So sits back and enjoy da end of yer world, Shorty. Welcomes ta da Dusty Stretches. We's been waitin' fers ya.

Praise be on dis wisdom.

Old Goggs pobably not one ta pass up da 'portunity ta piss on some fuckity assjacket, feels her? But she pobably gonna wait tils dey dead acause she ain't riskin' her life for some gloatin' horseshit. Da gloatin' come afferward, sees it? Like fuckity Wazzerman. Dat mean fuckity sonna bastard, so fuckity mean I could barely looks 'im in da eye mitout feelin' like turnin' tail and runnin' nearly ever time I runned inta him when he comed ta Saint Lois ta talks 'business.' If Old Goggs hadna been surprised ta sees him dis time, he mighta got da bes' a her. She mighta fought bout runnin' for he even showed his rockrock features. But he surprise her, sees it? Coulda had da drop on hers too! But nope. Big ol' dumb dumb tooked him da time ta frow a couple slurs mys way, gives me time ta rea'just my finkin', and lef' me ta git da drops on 'im. Bullet right frough dat fickass neck a his. Blood gushin' y rushin' all over everting. He seened me afeared a him lotsa lotsa times afore, and I fink dat's what he been countin' on dis time. Old Goggs gonna choke. Old Goggs gonna look fer an exit. Old Goggs gonna memember what dat fuckity big mean bastard did ta Alice rights in fronts of 'er. Goggs did run dat time. Goggs los' her mind und ran and lef' it all behinds her. Dat time. But Old Goggs be diff'rent nows, sees her? She ain't likes ta kill, or act violently, or destroy all dat fuckity shit what gonna haff ta be destroyed, und soon. She don't likes it but she knows now when it gotta be done. And den she does it. Mitout hesitation. Mitout gloating and pissing and sayin' no fink at all. Sure, it mayhaps seems a bits anti-climactics fer dem whats sees da confrontation. But what da fuck does Goggs care? Dat fucker Wazzerman choosem ta mouf off steada shoot firs', and now he's a fuckity hood ornament.

Dat firs round trip, when she and her gang and The Prof tooked Saint Lois by force...dat Goggs was alla bout da show. Gloatin' y showboatin' ever time she needed ta commit an atrocious act on one a dem power hungry selfish bastards still lef' in da city. But she put on dat show acause she couldna stomach what she und her gangers was doin'. She kep' da end goal in sights but she didna haff da hearts fer da clean up. She thunkered a compromise wif Shortystuff und his hund, Wazzerman, and dere army would safe lives. Prof knowed it was all wrong and he lef afore dey could kill him. Dey knowed how dangerous dat fuckity man was, sure as shit. Should Goggs haff gone mit him? Mayhaps, mayhaps. But da ovvers wanted ta stay, so how could Goggs haff lef' dem?

Bah! Fuck dat hissory. Sour. It's all fuckin' sour. If'n Goggs gots ta looks back, she outta look back at where it all changed updown in Buzztown. Dats where it all comed togevver. Anydust...Goggs should pobably stop chewin' on nostalgias und git back ta dis here littyrapture.

Oh, jess put da hokem shinytop on a'eady!

John Constantine 'llows Doc Fate ta fink he's manipulatin' John ta put da helmet on his head but, as allways allatime, fuckity Constantine be pullin' da strings y levers. Ever dusty time, Constantine am underestermated by dese bigbig spellcasters. Da onny way ta win 'gainst Constantine is ta not challenge Constantine. Or take away his cigs, sees it?

Oy, jess a sec.

[Sound of whirring electronics]

Archivist Melville? Pulls over up dat overpass wheres we gots a gute view a Old York burnin, sees? Ja, ja. Right over dere. Dat's it. Cools. Fanks.

[Sound of whirring electronics]

Whass all dis here Doc Fate bellyachin' mit Constantine gots ta do mit dis Futures End merde? So deys gots a beef on up each uvver, ja? Caused by da fings dey did in da Earf Two war. But nows dey gotsta fights mit each uvver? Constantine mus' needem dat helmet ta safe his own life fer some dumb dumb magic reason or anuvver. Or mayhaps he jess be doin dat fing he does where he's keeping magic "fair and balanced."

Dis why Old Goggs reads dese here Formertimes funfun books. Sometimes dey speakems truth.

Goggles has met one a dese types, sees it? Und ya all gonna meets her too...somedust, somedust soon, hopes. Jess keeps lissenin' and burnin' and movin, fers now. We'll gits ta the wheres and whens in time.

Anydust, da book ends how da book ends. Threads be cut; threads be tied. Conflicts become unflicted. Resolutions resolve. Kinda nice ta haff telltales what can be wrapped up all nice and clean like, feels me? Nonna dat dirty, messy life where dat shit jess keep gettin' dirtier y messier, sees? Guess dats why Old Goggs keep turnin' ta dese dumb dumb books, ja? The Dusty Stretches keep on stretchin' and gettin' dustier by da minutes. Ain't never gonna see no clean endin' in sight 'cept at da bottom of a hole dug by yer friends y lovers, feels? Gettin' kinda tired a stories endin' like dat dough. Anydust, dat's it fer dis un.

[Long sigh.]

Look at dem flames. Lotta stories endin' in Old York dis night.

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