Futures End: Justice League United #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Deux nights ago, I, Goggles fer ya lower voices jess first times hearin' my voice acause ya jess first times gittin' dis broadcast, wakes up from da dreamsland where I had beens sloggin' frough dust up ter my tits. I was finkin bout tryin' my hand at swimmin' frough it, it be so dickin' thick. See, Goggs uz a champeenship swimmer back in da Formertimes. Anydust, when I wokeded up, I findered myselfs on a spacious patio mit a martini and a bowls a mixed nuts on da table nearish. I fink it were a martini acause Goggs never uz much fer da drinkin but it had dat olive in da funny glass like on da cover dat Funnygut book my tamā owned but which I never read. Da sky were blue und clear. A shimminy pool stretchered out afore me. Da air uz crisp und it didna hurt ta breathe. I sighed. It had, alla it, ever single minute of it, been a nightscare. The Dusty Stretches jess a figment, sees? I spread my toes wide, starin' at da smooth browness of da skin as opposed ta dat cracked, old leather beaten look I's gottens useded ta. I uz naked und beautiful und serene. And den Grant comed out from da vague, foggy building what was behind me, pale and naked hisself und also so, so very beautiful. He smiled loverly und I began ta panics. He shouldna be here, I thunked. If he's here den alla it, ever piece a it, happened. He sayit, "What's wrong, Goggles?" Und I picked up dat bowl of nuts und I hurled dem at his head und I screamed, or I growled, or I laughed, or I choked, or, mayhaps, I doned dem all. Und den I woked up, tryin' ta catch my breaf, scramblin' ta hold onta dat world as it fadered 'way. I uz a'eady sobbin' when I woked, sobbin' and cursin' dem fuckin' dreamslands, cursin' da dust, cursin' Prof y Grant und everduster und everting acause fuckit. I's almays so fuckin' tired but fuckit. Fuck da dreamslands, feels me? Old Goggs would rather stay awake.

The Goddess pobably wanna tell me dat dream be a gift a some sort. But fucker her too. Gifts donna leaf ya wishin' ya was dead jess so ya wouldna haff ta feel not a thing no more, minute affer minute til da unyverse jess finally wears itself out. Aldough, I should pobably confessem, it were nice ta see Grant's bonger 'gain, even if it onny a figment.

Dis da future Old Goggs wishta haff gotten!

Goggs sure do miss animals what ain't rodents, feels her? Gots enuff a rats y squirrels, sees? How dem squirrels fuckin' survivin', da little bassards? Dey ain't much better ta eat den da rats but at leas' dey donna smell like piss when ya cooks 'em. S'pose Old Goggs could visit one dem kitten farms und gits herself a kitten but some fucker sure fing gonna come along und eats it soon as she turns her backs on it, und den where would Goggs be? Out fousands of koku and broken hearted! Fuck dat. Und I ain't seens a dog fer quite a few round trips now. Mayhap las' one I saw be dat one dem guys crackin' bongers over. I bet dere bears y wolfs und shit out deres somewheres, sees? Gots ta be. Bets I sees a deer soon now dat dis show on da road! Dat'd be a sight, ja? Stomach growlin' jess finkin' about it.

Hmm. Maybe dis ain't no future Goggs wanna haff ta deal mit.

Big probs keepin' animals acause dey eats so Goddessdamned much, ja? Dem Formertimes peeps had luxuries all updown everplace und da biggest one uz feedin' good eatin' food to good eatin' food! Dey ain't never did know da sweet taste a canine, sees it? Dumb bassards. Aldough, wonders where Goggs can gets a keepin' bear? Dat be odysseic.

Dis here girl, Equinox, she gettem a telepathos massage from dat alien guy what chows on dem Oreos. Oh fuckity, I miss dem Oreos! Mayhap Goggs can find her some teensy known 'venience store somedust outs here on dese backroads. Anydust, dat alien got mad scares 'bout somefin done gone wrong, pobably has ta do mit da futures. Dumb dumb telltales 'bout changin' da past so some future don't comes 'bout. Blargh, says old Goggs!

So Equinox goes ta visit da Animal Man.

Aww. Ain't Maxine a cute little fuckity, ja?

Turns out Supersman mussa closed up da Phantom Zone acause now da Justice League puts da really bigbig badbads in a prison on Mars. Gotsta wonder if'n dey even gets a trial, rights? Guessin' not since da Justice League is all fulled up mit righteous pricks. Anydust, 'parently dem badbads 'scaped und now...um...now what? So dey run loose on da Martian surface. Big deals! Lets em!

Ha ha! Oh, Stormguy! Ya wear youse naivete as proudly as ya wear yer 'Merican flag cape.

Da Justice League goes ta Mars acause dey a bunch of idiots. Jess leave dem shields up round da planet und let da fuckity badbads run free. 'Less day also keepin' Warworlds in storage up dere. But ever time somefin looks like a trap und everduster knows it's a trap, dey still alla dem gotta go trip da trap. Dumb dumb fuckers.

Why's everduster in action fiction gotta fink of demselves as immortal bad asses what can handle everting? Out here in The Dusty Stretches, if ya fink somefin is a trap, or you fink some place gonna host an ambush, or you know some fuckity horsedick wantin' ta kill ya, ya donna fuckin' stand ups und yells, "Comes und gets me, fuckers!" Fuck no! Ya avoid da trap and jess go da ovver way. Ya stay outta dangerous places. Und ya prepares ya house mit loads y loads of booby traps ta kill any duster dat comes at ya mit malice in dey hearts. Sos when Cybot says da place is too quiets und Stormguy agrees und says, "It's gotta be a trap," dese dumb fuckers next line a dialogue should be, "Lets alla us git da fuck outta here!" How many kokus ya wanna bet dat ain'ts what dey says at all, feels?

Da next line is by Equinox und it's "Arrgh!" which seems ta s'port dat trap feory.

Cockfist? Cuntthumper? Captain Telepath?

Da badbads suddenly appear und da first ting dey says is, "Looks like our rides here." See, ya dumb fucks? Jess shoulda stayed at home like Old Goggs said und leave dese asscabbages ta rot on Mars. But no! Ya gotsta go trigger da trap und bring dem a fuckity ship ta git home in. Gute one.

Oh fuckity. Even better! If dat be da onny fing can bypass da shields den why even worry bouts a breaksout on Mars? Arrogance gonna git dese fuckers in trouble ever fuckin' time.

Ya know whats kinds of peeps haff survived dese here Dusty Stretches? Da kind what don't says dumb merde like, "Let's go investigate!" Nein, nein. Dems what survives now says, "Let's gettem da fuck outta here, pronto!"

Anydust, da big dumb dumbs find dat alien guy what tells dem dey shouldna haff come. Why he gotta tell dem dat? Dey shoulda fuckin' knowedit demselves. Guess 'telligence ain'ts got nuffin' ta do mit what joker gits dem supered powers, ja? Also, Old Goggs guesses a littyrapture book where da heroes hears tell of some conflict den jess decides ta not bovver mit it acause it's pobably a trap wouldna be interestin', ja?

Peeps still survivin' these Dusty Stretches do falls fer traps now y den, sees it? But dats acause dey fink like dese heroes und fink deys immortal baddest asses dat cans handles anyfink anyduster frows at dem. Und dats why dese richies, dese power hungry bigbigs gonna lose everting soon. Acause dey fink no matter what, da world gonna keep turnin' dere way, sees? Dey fink dey gots enough smarts und enough power und enough weapons und, well, enough enough, ta comes out on top of any conflict dey gits inta. Dey got dat bigtime arrogance makes dem fink dere power und control rests solely on dere abilities und dere merits. Dey, nots one of dem, don'ts realize dey actually sittin' on da top one of dem jenga towers dat jess need ones more block pulled out fore it all gonna crumble down round dere tears. Even tellin' em dis! Even assuming dey lissenin' ta dis broadcast...tellin' dem flat out what gonna happen, dey still gonna walk right inta da trap as carelessfree as can be. Jess watch. Or, jess lissen. Dat time acoming.

Oh ja, turns out dat Captain Atomical be da bad guy ahind it all. Also, dis here telltale gonna be continued nex' week, sees? Dat not cause Old Goggs gettin' bored mit dis broadcast und gots a big itch ta go fuck somefin, nope. Dat acause it continuated in some ovver fun fun littyrapture book which Old Goggs gotsta dig outta some box somewheres. Donna worry! She ain't gonna leaves ya hangin on it, sees? Be backs nex' week, feels? Takes care.