Futures End #19

Power Girl making Slade Wilson Jelly™.

It's kind of nice to take a break from my Goggles Novella with these weekly comics where I can get back to using my other fake voice. That's this one, dumb dumbs! I'm so sick of you readers not paying attention. Take some more Ritalin, jerkos! Also, you heard me correctly. Those Futures End commentaries are a novella. That's probably why you won't find a lot of discussion about the comic books nor will you find a lot of discussion about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina. Although you probably weren't aware there was a lot of discussion about that in my usual commentaries either. But that's because Tom DeFalco has moved on to who the fuck knows where and who the fuck cares. I certainly don't.

Oh god, I hope he didn't die! If he is dead, I'm sorry for being so cruel in my facetiousness, Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina.

Hey! Did you know that DC Comics was doing this big Futures End event?! It's really raising a lot of money for Dan DiDio's dick transplant. You see, he hasn't been using his brain so he decided to stick a dick in his skull instead. I wonder if he'll pop an eye out when that dick gets an erection?

Hey! Should I have added "guys" to my "heys"? That would make me fit in with all the other cool Tumbld kids, right? I wish they'd let me sit at their Recommended Blogs table. Fucking stuck up assbutts.

Hey! I like that. I'm going to do that in my real life too! Every time I have something to say, I'm going to shout, "Hey!"

Hey! Have you ever heard a kid whining in a grocery store and then begun to whine just like the kid but at an adult volume? I love doing that. I think it annoys people because adults should know better but fuck them. If they don't like it, stay out of public spaces! I didn't want your ears hearing my whines anyway. Stop leeching my soundwaves, you fucking parasites.

Hey! Can you believe The Key and his crew are finally inside Terrifitech? That only took like sixty years or something.

Hey! Don't you hate how people sometimes use extreme exaggeration in place of a joke? It's like, "Ha ha! He said 'sixty years'! As if the comic has been going so long! If only I could make the tears stop! Ha ha!"

Hey! I'm tired of typing "Hey!" so I'm going to stop now.

Hey! One more! For old times sake!

Hey! That was the one more. You didn't think the last one was the one more, did you? That would be stupid because I said, "One more" after saying that other "Hey!" which meant I needed one more from that point on. Dumb dumbs.

Oy! I probably shouldn't call people reading this blog "dumb dumbs," should I? That's rude. I won't apologize for it though because you didn't have to read the words "dumb dumbs." In fact, if you did read those words, you basically called yourself a dumb dumb. You should apologize to yourself.

Now that I feel more like myself, I can point out how Plastique was not doing what she was supposed to be doing. Instead, she was off looking for her cybernetic self from the future. I wonder if Plastique will become Harvest? I'm almost positive that when Plastique finds the cybernetic parts of her future self, they will fuse to her body and create the cybernetic version of herself from the future. That might seem impossible because that would mean that her cybernetic parts exist in a loop of time having never been created. But with a little more intelligent thought than the average dumb dumb has the capacity for, you'd realize that at some point in the future, Plastique's parts need replacing due to their age. One of the scientists who replace the parts will be all, "Why are these parts so run down?" And the other one will be, "Oh, probably because they've been forward and back through time. Kind of like John Locke's compass from Lost. But don't worry. We're going to replace every single part and throw these parts in the incinerator. That way, her parts begin and end here even though it looks like they're caught in an infinite loop of time." "Hunh?" says the third scientist who never understands anything they do but his parents had a lot of influence and got him this job. Basically he wears a lab coat and cashes his checks and stands around looking dumbfounded.

You call your cybernetic future self by whatever pronoun your cybernetic future self wants to go by even if you don't know what that is. But be careful! If you get the pronoun wrong, it is a viable excuse for others to end your career! Or at the very least, to regurgitate that stupid bullshit about apologies and accidentally stepping on toes.

That first scene with Batwing betraying The Key and Coil but not Plastique because he felt sorry for her took up seven whole pages! That might be a record for the length of one scene so far in Futures End.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane is still pondering publishing the secret identity of the new Superman because it's news and you can't sit on news! Plus her advertisers apparently expect major revelations. No, no they don't. They just expect lots and lots of clickthrus!

You know who are the worst people in the world? Those that clickthru ads! Stop encouraging them, you big dumb dumbs! Animated advertisements, pop up ads, ads that move all over the fucking place, ads that pop up on touch screens just when they know you're going to tap the screen...these things are all ruining the fucking internet! Forget the FCC giving companies the right to create a slow lane! Advertisers have already bogged down the entire fucking place!

I don't know. I think the world needs a Batman. But the world can give or take a Superman.

Meanwhile in space, Doctor Raymond Palmer receives a visit from a member of Planetary the Shadow Cabinet. Everybody remember those guys? They're the secret cabal behind Stormwatch. I don't know what they do or why they're needed. I suppose every group needs some kind of secret group that secretly runs their secret group and are secretly run by a secret, secret group themselves. That's just how things go when you're living in a comic book.

Oh! I forgot to mention this: Ray Palmer is being tapped to lead the next incarnation of Stormwatch. Seems like an odd choice since members of Stormwatch are usually really powerful and can do far more than just look smaller.

Later, Deathstroke doesn't die because Fifty Sue saves his life. Whatever deal she struck with Brother Eye keeps him and his machinations (machine nations?) away from her people. Her people are Deathstroke, Grifter, and Twofer Lana Lang. Some more people that might soon become her people are Voodoo and Grifter's sidekick, the Customer. I call him the Customer because he looks like the kind of guy that plays Dungeons and Dragons or Magic the Gathering. I have a friend that used to work for Wizards of the Coast and she always referred to guys who you can tell purchased WotC products as Customers.

Lois's article is terrible journalism. "In fact, there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest he's even alive." Ugh. Such poorly written, irresponsible twaddle! She might as well be writing for TMZ or Comicsverse.

Futures End #19 Rating: No change. Why don't those Shadow Lords do more with their super powerful selves? Instead, they have one job: to remind the new members of Stormwatch, when a Stormwatch team is wiped out, that Stormwatch was put together to watch for storms. Especially the Brainiac storm! When does the Fifty Sue One Shot come out so we can learn all about her? Why didn't she get her own Futures End issue? Why is Lois Lane such a money grubbing jerk? I mean, I don't care that she publishes the news that Shazam is actually Superman. But to write a sentence that begins "in fact"? That's the kind of lazy bullshit I would pull! Hey! Maybe I can be the greatest journalist in the world!